Escapism

It's that time of the year again.  The time that I stuck researching potential escape destinations.  My wanderlust kicks into overdrive during these short, cold days.  Something about being shut in and whatnot. I've tried to remember that Dave and I are planning a cheap Maine getaway in just a couple of weeks but that doesn't get us away from the heavy clothing, cold air, and the short days.  I want to strip away the layers and go swimming in the sea.  Some find winter cozy and comfortable and there are many days that I agree.  However, there are also as many days where I just feel confined and stifling.  One of these days, I will become accustomed to this season.  I will and I must because the idea of my moving permanently away from here is becoming less and less realistic.

I know I'm just at the very, very beginning of my life as an adult but is it bad that I'm already looking forward to retirement.  Of course, I'm not looking that forward to it as I still quite a long life to live prior to that.  Hopefully, Dave and I will both be around and together come the time we retire.  Seriously, the idea that he may not be in my life 45 years from now is terrifying.  Looking forward with a positive attitude though, I really can't wait until the two of us are old enough to not have to work.  My hope is that we will have save enough money to do the New Englander's dream: spend May to January here and then fly to Florida from January to May.  Get away from the snow and the ice that could cause easily break our already fragile bones.  

There are many times that I really wish that I could get away for just one winter.  When I went to Costa Rica and I heard so many people tell me how much they wish they could see snow.  Listening to twenty-forty year old adults say that they've never seen snow just blew me away.  I've never not known snow.  When I came home for that winter, I must say that I greatly appreciated and actually embraced the snow. Sometimes I wonder if I really would miss it if I went an entire year without it.  If all I knew was the same old 40-80 degree temperatures, would I get bored?  Would I find myself longing to come home?  I really don't know.

Of course, moving to an area with no winter would bring me terribly far away from those I care most about.  I am super close to my family and I wouldn't want to be far from them for an extended period of time.  A huge part of me wishes I was rich enough to move everyone out to San Diego for a couple of years.  I just want to know what that's like.  I mean, almost perfect weather almost all year round?  It seems downright impossible.  I know a few people who have traveled here after living there and they love the variety that New England offers.  Sometimes the old adage is true: you don't know what you have until it's no longer there.

I must admit.  Dave is a huge weakness for me.  Despite all my griping about the area, it really doesn't matter.  I could leave anytime I wanted to but I will not and have absolute zero desire to be without him for more than a couple of days.  Even that seems like it would be far too long.  My week in Paris felt like ages without him.  I never in a million years would have seen this coming but I wouldn't trade him in for the whole world.  I long to see the world.  However, if I have to stay in Massachusetts for decades and then die I won't care, so long as he's here with me.  Yeah, I know.  I'm cheesy and corny but I'm a newlywed.  It's might right and privilege.

Criminal Psychology

I find criminal psychology fascinating.  It's really bizarre but there are many other there who share my interest.  There's an entire television station dedicated to crimes.  Shows like Criminal Minds, Dexter, and Law and Order Criminal Intent are massive hits.  It's clear that other people have find this of likewise intrigue.  Watching the premier of the show Dark Minds, where they use a serial killer to help find other serial killers (Silence of the Lambs anyone?) and I realized that I understood something before it was revealed.

The show reflects many murders happening in the New England where the killer seems to use stabbing as a signature.  One of the first comments was how it was unusual for the victims to not have the sexual assault.  However, I found myself saying out loud, "well that's what the knife is for."  Of course, not more than ten minutes into the show they feature the convicted serial killer stating that stabbing is the act of penetration itself.  Maybe it was something obvious.  Maybe in my brief description, my far more intuitive friends were able to pick up on that without the obsessive interest in criminal psychology.  For me, I find that I continue to surprise myself by what I know about sexual sadists and other aspects.

My therapist, after realizing that limiting my exposure might not be what I need, suggested a book written by one of the most prolific criminal psychologists out there.  She asked why I was bothered by my intrigue.  I couldn't answer the question.  I still can't answer the question but I feel like it's something I need to work on.  What am I looking for?  Is this something that I just find interesting, the way some people find computers, cars, fashions, or sports interesting?  Perhaps she's right.  Maybe I should stop trying to discourage this interest.  I don't know.   This is a step for me though.  I'm going to stop criticizing myself for finding this interesting because it's not like I don't find it terrifying as well.

This will be something I bring at my next appointment.

Filler

Lots of stuff happened today but I'm not in the mood to go into it.  In fact, I'm waiting for Dave so we can watch the show Shark Tank together so really I'm just writing filler until he gets here.  My post last night turned out not to be so bad so I don't mind it so much.  Really what I need to start doing is begin writing for real.  You know, actually just sit down and compose something.  It doesn't even have to be good; it just needs to be more than what I'm doing now which is, "oh, it's time to scribble something/anything onto paper so I can I call it writing for the day."  Sure, sometimes that works out and ends up being far more insightful than I every planned but it's not serious or real writing.

Okay, so Dabey is here and that is my cue to stop writing so we can snuggle.  Bye!

Self-made billionaires

I'm writing now because I don't particularly want to and I doubt that will change in 40 or 60 minutes.  While I'm at work, I think of all the things I want to do once I get home.  Then I come home and I either don't remember half of them or don't feel like doing it.  I end up just sitting on the computer looking at Pinterest and sometimes Facebook.  The next night I'm at work and I remember all of the things I want to do.  I'm in that position now.  I was talking to Dave and I was thinking about the things I wanted to look up or research.  Then I sat down on the couch and I no longer remembered any of it.  So I've decided to write while watching a 20/20 special on Billionaires.

They just mentioned that most self-made billionaires are risk takers who know how to respond to failure. Just those two characteristics made me realize that my road to being a self made billionaire will be practically impossible.  I'm am not a risk taker and I definitely do not handle failure very well.  Of course, I have no real desire is to be a billionaire at all; however, I have a very strong desire to be self-made financially independent.  I want to be able to retire comfortably and I want to not have to worry about money in my life.

Right now, I'm watching a woman who buys failing companies and restructures them to profitable empires.  She is not what you would think of as a billionaire.  Her clothing is very provocative and she embodies what one might describe as trashy.  She is the second businesswoman who isn't afraid to "be a woman" I've heard of in the past two days.  Yesterday on NPR, they were interviewing a woman who is an extremely successful entrepreneur who is one of the judges on the show Shark Tank.  When asked what it was like to be a women in an industry of men she said that she used it as a good thing.  She said that she used to always wear mini-skirts and red power suits because she knew that it was important to be remembered and she didn't care if she was remembered as "the woman" or the "slut" or whatever name she might be called.  She said that men need to work so much harder to be remembered.  

"Successful people do all the things all unsuccessful people don't want to do." That's a quote from the man who launched the Paul Mitchell hair line.  He talked about how you may go to 50 doors and have 50 doors slammed in your face.  However, it is extremely important to be just as enthusiastic on door 51 as door 1.  I personally believe that.  So yeah, I guess I'm really need to continue to do that.

Entry from my iPhone

This will be a very quick post for two reasons. The first reason being that I am writing in between sleep. I went to bed super early tonight so I awoke for this sole purpose. The second reason being that I am writing this from my iPhone. For some people writing with their smart phones is just as easy as a computer. My little cousin actually told me how she wrote one of her papers with her phone. I don't even know how she could do that but maybe that's just a reflection of my age. I grew up with a cell phone; however at the time it was so basic that texting wasn't a feature I could enjoy. Now it's like having a computer in the palm of your hand. I must admit that I don't regret surrendering to the smartphone technology. For years I resisted and only bought one because the non smartphone devices leave a lot to be desired as far as basic design goes. Anyway, watching Jamie with her iphone while in Paris solidified my decision. And just over a year later I bought one of my own. Dave even convinced me to get the new one with Siri and I'm glad I did as I use her all the time now.

Guess what? That's going to be it for the night. Yay for lowering my selfimposed writing requirements.

Appreciation

For whatever reason, I sat here and stared at the blank screen for a bit before I began typing.  It's been a while since I've done that.  Writing on a daily basis is habit forming just like anything else and I'm really happy that I've developed this habit.  A friend of mine wrote me a motivating Facebook message that she posted on my wall asking for more entries for my new blog.  I keep thinking about it but I haven't sat down and written anything yet.   Seriously she is one of the sweetest people I knew.  How grateful I am to her for her kind words of encouragement!  Once I write the second post, I'll have to send her something thanking her.

There are very few people who inspire me the way she does.  There was a time that I couldn't imagine her being unhappy.  She is one of those types of people who has the uncanny ability to befriend anyone she meets, lives life with such enthusiasm, and always seems to have a smile on her face.  Of course, I am well aware that looks are deceiving.  However, it wasn't until we met up again at another friend's housewarming party that she opened up to me a bit more and it was revealing.  After leaving I not only admired her but also related to her as well.  I understood.  I had similar if not identical feelings.  Since that party many of her wishes at the time are working out for her and I really couldn't be happier for her.  Because of our busy lifestyles, we don't see each other as often as I would like.  Hopefully, it will change.

In addition, another close of friend of mine began her own blog today.  I don't want to give out details as I don't know if she's had the chance to get the word out and I don't want to steal her new blogging thunder.  Once she does let out the word, I hope that you get the chance to read it.  She is one of the most thoughtful people I know and her first two posts were wonderful.

I know I've said this before but I am so incredibly lucky.  Despite my constant seeking to improve it, I am truly satisfied with everything I have now.  The people in my life are great, the opportunities that are ahead of me are more than I could ever ask for, and I have more things than I need.  What more can I ask for but to continue to do what I can to deserve it?

34th Annual Kennedy Center Honors

Wow.  I almost forgot to write again tonight.  Thankfully Dave reminded me before I headed off to bed.  After work tonight we stayed up late and watched The Kennedy Center Honors.  I had recorded it a while ago and I just felt like tonight was as good of a night to watch it as any.  They honored Meryl Streep, Yo-Yo Ma, Sonny Rollins, Neil Diamond, and Barbara Cook.  What an inspiring two hours!  I was in tears by the end of it.  The stories of the honorees' lives and how their tributes were represented were incredible.

I learned that Meryl Streep's first and most difficult role was in high school when she envisioned the person she wanted to be and sought to embody her.  Ann Hathaway gave a musical tribute to her with a full song and dance number.  I'm ashamed to admit that I had never heard of Sonny Rollins.  Bill Cosby talked about how he is known across the world, yet I didn't know him at all.  He is an 80 jazz musician who brought the tenor saxophone to life over the past 60 years.  Barbara Cook, the incredible Broadway singer, was also honored.  Glenn Close, among many other talented sopranos sang a beautiful collaboration of her many songs.  Red Sox fans were featured in Neil Diamond's tribute with Sweet Caroline which I thought was the perfect touch.  But it was Yo-Yo Ma's tribute that brought tears to my eyes.  There's something about that man's charisma, his humbleness, his love of music that just takes my breath away.  In his video biography they show him traveling the world embracing and collaborating with musical styles so wildly diverse from the cello.  His tribute brought together many different styles conducted by the brilliant John Williams with "Here Comes the Sun" by James Taylor.

The two hour special was filled with such moving accolades and musical performances.   The president and his wife sat alongside the honorees, interacted with them, and seemed to thoroughly enjoy the night.  However, it was the expressions of those being honored as they watched what was crafted specially for them.  The look in their eyes as they listened to the words and the music from colleagues and friends.  Given more time, I might be able to better articulate watching this entire special but it's just after 4am and I must go to bed.  What a wonderful thing to fall asleep thinking about.

Points and Projects

Sometimes certain website interfaces are annoying.  Apparently video games don't work either because I just overheard Dave cussing it out.  Maybe it's just one of those moments when things just want to bother us.  He's continuing to swear at his and I'm still silently cursing the one I'm trying to work on.  To quote Dave, "Why won't this work?!!"  Sigh, I don't want to give up on it because it's already long past due but this is just plain frustrating.  It's just told me that the plug in has become unresponsive again.  WTF?  Ah well, I'll just keep plugging away at it.

Dave and I did get to spend some quality time together today though.  The person he was supposed to train today had to reschedule so he was able to take a personal day.  We also were able to plan a relatively inexpensive getaway for February.  I'm really excited about it.  I continued to look online for different things for our apartment.  What we realized is that we earn so many more points on our credit card if we simply make the purchases online rather than in the store.  The two of us decided that we eventually would like our points to pay for us to go on a Mediterranean Cruise with our points.  Sadly, something like that is super expensive but in the last year, we've already earned almost $1,000 in points.  So it's totally doable.  A Mediterranean Cruise is a dream of mine.  How cool would it be to go for free?

Thing is, we are buying items and spending money on things we would pay for anyway.  With this card and earning points that don't expire, each thing we purchase actually gives us more money toward our cruise.  So yeah, we're looking at making our purchases at stores that earn us 4-20 points per dollar we spend to earn them quickly.  Oddly enough, it will actually help me stay within budget.  Shopping at Kohls earns us 10 points per dollar, JCPenney 6 points per dollar, and the majority of big point stores are more budget friendly.  So yeah, so reason to look at Anthrolopogie this year.  My clothing with be bought at the cheaper department stores. Even the annoying project from about will be worth 4 points per dollar.    So yeah, super excited!

Blegh titles

It's only 10pm but I'm already exhausted.  I tried to maneuver by many, many books into a couple of bookshelves but can't seem to fit them all.  I'm going to have to go through more of them and determine if I actually want to keep them all.  There are some that I know I won't reread or recommend to friends.  Really, why else would I keep a book otherwise?  So, I may be donating more books to the local library or nearby used bookstore.  However, I'm content to just leave them lying on the floor right now.  Overall though, I am happy with things as they are at the moment.  I'm just really tired and don't want to do much more than play on my laptop right now.

In other good news, Katie and I got together earlier today.  We went out for a mid-afternoon lunch and just sat and chatted for a while.  It was really nice to see her and just talk with her about many different things.  I don't get to see her or any of my friends often enough.  I had so much more to say but they've escaped from my brain at the moment.  I'm going to go chill.

My husband

I love my husband.  The other night, as I was falling asleep I thought, "you know, so many girls long for the love they read about in novels.  I've found a love that's so much more than anything I've read."  I'm so incredibly lucky.  Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve finding such an incredible man.  When I came home tonight, I found myself wishing that he wouldn't go to work tomorrow.  Of course, I know he must but I just want him all for myself.  I want us to be together all day, everyday.  It's strange.  These kinds of feelings are supposed to subside after 4 years.  Sure, we've only been married a few months but we've been together for quite a while.  How incredible that I still feel this way.  

I do just want to hole up with him for a while.  It's strange because I've never really felt this way before.  It's like I want to go away again and just have him all to myself again.  I love our friends and family but I want just him all day and all night.  I don't want to let him go.  I don't want him to leave me.  It seems very clingy but I don't ever care.  Really, in the end, it isn't clingy at all.  Wanting him with me all the time is just that, a want.  I don't need him; I just want him.  He makes me happy when he's with me.  I feel like I can do more than I dreamed.   I just love him so much. 

Apartment Work

Dave and I didn't get as much done on the apartment as I would have liked today though some progress was made.  I woke up super late.  Going nonstop yesterday certainly has its side effects. We did get to IKEA and spent a lot of money but luckily I had enough gift cards that it basically cut our total in half.  It was nice going in there today with only a basic need for inspiration as we already have a pretty good idea of what we want for the place.  When we came home Dave spent a good amount of time hammering and drilling so that we have a few of the pieces we bought up.  I spent the evening on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor.  Somehow though, despite all of our work I feel like I'm going to bed with an even bigger mess on our hands.

Yes, I know these things (complete apartment overhauls) take time but I'm feeling rather impatient.  I want it done and I want done now.  Currently Dave is yelling at our new light fixture so clearly he's frustrated as well.  I know we'll get through it and that every small step we take brings us closer to our end goal.  I just have to keep reminding myself of that.   Right now though I'm exhausted.  I think that Dave is too.   It's only 11 but we both have to work tomorrow and I do want to wake up and get a bit more done before I head in.  I'm not used to having my days back.  I keep looking at the week and wondering how I'm going to fit it all in but then I remember that I don't have to work on Wednesday or Thursday and I feel a bit better.

Alright, I'm going to go and try and relax.  Possibly read for a bit.  Dave is going to be building our second set of shelves and then I hope that he takes a break as well.  If he does that tonight then I will definitely have plenty to occupy my time tomorrow. I won't be able to say that we didn't do enough for tomorrow so I have no excuse.  It's just a matter of overcoming my general laziness.  

Weddings and Disney movies

Quick post tonight because it's super late.  I only got home a little over an hour ago as I went to my parents after work today.  We discussed my sister's upcoming wedding and I told everyone about the ideas that Katie had and they loved them.  I love that Katie can make just about anything classy so she was able to take the initial idea that we had and totally run with it.  Laura is at that wedding planning stage where she wants to do everything from photo booths to fireworks.  Of course practicality will force certain decisions to be made but this is still the fun contemplation stage where just about anything goes.   It's part of the reason I like having a theme.  It helps to focus your ideas.  As the theme takes form it helps to narrow down your thoughts.  For example, renting a photo booth for 4 hours suddenly didn't seem to fit into the shape of my rustic themed wedding despite the fact that I loved the idea when I first saw it.  Neither did fireworks (and I adore fireworks).  So, we have to allow her to contemplate and see what Ben and her really like away from the many ideas thrown out by family (or just me).

Jamie also stopped by and the three of us went to go see Beauty and the Beast in 3D.  I don't know how I feel about the whole 3D craze but I really am enjoying the movies from my childhood coming back to the big screen.  I love watching movies on the big screen in the theater.  Sure the movie is the same when it comes out of DVD but it just never seems to have that all encompassing effect that being immersed in a theater provides.  It's really cool to see these movies on the big screen because I was so little when they initially were released.  Many of these movies I was too young to see in the theater so it's really a first for me.  It's kind of strange seeing a movie that you've already watched a million times on the big screen.  I like it.  It's also really cool watching these movies influence a whole new generation of small children.  I love it actually in the way I love how one good book passes through the fingers of the many who borrow it from the original owner.  

After the movie, my dad helped me pack the remaining wedding gifts.  I decided it was finally time to find a home and begin to actually use the wonderful items people gave us.  Over the past few months, I've been thinking a lot about how I wanted to decorate this place.  It overwhelmed me at first but as time progressed a picture became more and more clear.  When I got home at almost 1 am, I finally told Dave some of what I have been envisioning.  Hopefully we'll be able to take a trip to IKEA tomorrow and possibly Bed, Bath, and Beyond to make the purchases.  I really want to make at least a little bit of progress of the place on our day off.  I'm totally motivated by our recent work and I don't want to lose it.

Anyway, we have a busy day ahead tomorrow so I'm going to go get some rest.

According to Plan

I enjoy days that go exactly as you hope they would.  Despite going to bed super late night, I actually woke up at 8am not long after Dave left for work.  I was able to empty the dishwasher, complete two more loads of laundry, and managed to empty a few of the giant boxes filled with stuff to sort through later.  We still have some things lingering from the wedding and the honeymoon that we need to sort and organize.  We've really made some decent progress thus far.  Hopefully by the end of the holiday weekend, we'll be have completed a few rooms.  It's exciting actually.

Dave also got lucky and was able to get out of work around 11ish which allowed us drive to Framingham together.  We were originally going to meet at the college when he got out of work but we didn't have to so that was super awesome.  We showed Brian around the campus and talked about his plans.   Afterward we took him to Five Guys and when we were finished eating I handed him the application and had him complete it while we sat there.  I figured it was harder to make excuses to your cousin than a guidance counselor or parents who are pushing it.  He's got that out of the way now so he won't have to worry about it.  He's such a good kid.  Both Dave and I want to hang out with him just regularly.  It's kind of cool that they are at an age that I don't feel like they are too young to hang out with my crowd.  Yes, the age difference is still the same but 22 and 12 is very different than 27 and 17.

Skating was also a really good time.  I forget how much I miss it.  Dave also enjoys just watching me skate around the rink.  It's flattering.  I don't have to do anything special.  No jumps, no spins, no wacky footwork.  Just my skating around is impressive to him.  It's really cool.  We didn't skate very long, only about a half hour, but even the little bit we did made me feel so good about myself.  I felt refreshed and energized in a way I haven't before.  I don't think I've ever been admired like that before for doing something so natural for me.  It was wonderful.

Dinner also was a perfect way to end out night out together.   We had lovely time with Thom and Laura.  Dave feels really comfortable with Thom, something kind of unusual for Dave but I accredit that to Thom's charisma.  He just knows how to make people feel comfortable and that's such a rare quality.  Laura and I were also able to have quite an interesting conversation.  I only really knew how much Thom liked her but didn't know much about who she is at all.  It was so awesome of them to come to Worcester to see us.  They were coming from Manchester and it would actually be easier for them to come to Woburn.

Now, we are watching what is so far quite a good football game.  The second half just started so I don't want to jinx anything but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they don't give up this incredible lead.

Productive

Almost forgot to write again tonight.  Totally glad that I had the night off even if Dave and I spent a good portion of it cleaning the apartment.  Originally we were going to go to IKEA to get some more items but dinner and getting Dave's new skates sharpened took longer than expected.  So instead we came home and Dave hung up the wine rack, the coat rack, and the magazine rack that have been sitting around forever.  He also took down our Christmas tree (yes, we still hadn't done that) and removed the closet doors so I can have my closet office.  We had no idea just how big they were but luckily they fit wonderfully in our storage space.  I did the laundry and cleaned the kitchen.  By clean the kitchen, I mean that I washed the dishes and scrubbed the counters and the walls.  When I clean, I kind of go a bit overboard  I still need to wash the floors, organize the cabinets, and the refrigerator.  Instead I'm now working on putting away the Christmas decorations before eventually going to bed.

Tomorrow, we have a very busy day planned but I'm looking forward to it.  Unfortunately, Dave does have to work tomorrow morning but we're both hoping that it doesn't last very long.  I'm actually going back to Framingham State to show the campus to my younger cousin.  He is interested in attending there next fall so I'm going to meet him, show him around and tell him about the school, and maybe take him out to lunch.  He totally turned into a really cool guy and it's awesome that he's excited to meet me.  Once Dave gets out of work we are planning on going skating at the DCU Center who is having free public skating which I'm super, super excited about.   Thom and his new girlfriend were going to join us but because they are unable to rent skates, they are just going to meet us after to go out to dinner.  Our hope is that we'll be home by 8 or 9pm so that we can watch the Patriots game tomorrow night as it's kind of a big game.  Being so close to Alli's new place makes the fact that I won't be seeing her my biggest regret.  How did I not do something to try and make plans?  Probably because until yesterday I was doing a really decent job of being a hermit.

So yeah, I'm excited about tomorrow.  I feel like I should go to bed but I'm not tired yet.  I will be tomorrow morning.

Good Decisions

Good day today.  My first guilt-free weekday off in a while and it was very nice.  I slept in, mindlessly perused the internet, caught up on my crime shows, had an almost 2 hour phone conversation with Katie, talked with Jamie for a bit when she came over after work, and then had a relaxing night with Dave.  Best of all is that I have tomorrow off too and Saturday!  I'm already feeling so much better than yesterday.  What I didn't realize is that by all of this work, I was feeling incredibly out of touch with loved ones.

It was really wonderful to talk with Katie about life and other things.  I missed my friends.  I missed having time out for me.  I'm glad that seeing Dave tonight wasn't competing with exhaustion.  This was a very good decision.  It's also going to allow me to really focus on the goals I have.  Hopefully I'll do more writing and whatnot.  I want to get this apartment done.  It's way overdue and I'm annoyed by living with the clutter and junk.  This weekend is a long one and I think we can do a pretty decent job of getting things done.

Change

I resigned from my day job today though I doubt that comes as any surprise to any of you considering my recent posts.  Honestly, I thought that I'd feel better but I just feel drained.   The last few days were full of anxiety and today was just overly emotional.  Top it off and my mom told me some news that was unsettling.  My nerves just feel frayed and I just want to zone out.  It hasn't sunk in yet.   For the next couple of days I'm just going to relax.   It doesn't help that I'm PMSing or that I'm exhausted from a very disjointed and uncomfortable sleep.

Dave actually made a big deal about me writing today.  I almost released myself from my daily responsibility.  Actually, I did.  I gave myself permission to not write but he made a stink about it.  Not in a bad way, but in the way that it made me second guess my wanting to just go to bed.  He focused on how much this not writing blip would be something I would definitely regret later and he's totally right.  So one more day of writing achieved.

Not much tonight

It was difficult to get through work tonight because I'm so anxious.  I've talked to Dave and my parents about it but until I've actually done it, I don't want to mention it here.  All I know is that it's probably not going to be pretty but I've just got to do it.  At times like these I need to remember that the anticipatory anxiety can be a lot worse than the actual deed itself.  I just don't want to deal with it at all.  It's one of those things we're avoidance is always preferable.

Like last night, because my thoughts are so consumed with this, I feel like there is nothing to write about.  I don't want to write anything.  Sorry, I know I've been like this for a while now.  I promise I'll change that very soon.

Something else

So I just written an entire post and have decided that I don't want to post it.  As a result, here I am writing yet another one.  On the good side, I've saved it as a draft so I can refer to it later.  I do wish that I could password protect or lock posts but blogger is meant as a blogging website and not as an online journal like livejournal.  I took today off from my day job and I think I'll be taking tomorrow as well.  I'm struggling with a big decision (which I wrote about earlier) and I think I've figured out how to go about handling it but I'm still fretting.  I need the extra day.  A large part of me is hoping that it will help me in making the decision by not requiring me to do so; however, I know that is unlikely.

Because I don't want to discuss it now, it makes this an extremely difficult post to compose.  It's one of those moments where I just want to be alone with my thoughts.  They are private thoughts and they are all consuming.  I can hardly think of anything else of which to write.  I am putting together a timeline for my 27 Goals to help me get things done.  It's become quite a project.  I go through each goal, break it down, and when I'm done I will have a nice packet to help guide me.  Alright, I'm done writing now.  I've been writing for 45 minutes even if it doesn't show right now.

Sea Monkeys

Look! I'm writing early again.  So far the writing earlier is working for me.  I love that it's done and out of the way so if I randomly crash and want to go to bed I can.  It's like a new found freedom.  Fascinating, really.  Who knew that not procrastinating can be freeing?  Does this mean I'm growing up a bit?  Finally?  Possibly.  I hope it's not a phase because I like it.

While at work today, Brittany sent me a text message that made my life feel surreal for it bit.  She asked me if I could go feed the seamonkeys located in client services.  At first I was like, "we've got seamonkeys? How did I not know this?"  I told her I would go feed them for her and went into the client service department and could not find them for the life of me.  I sent her a second text asking her to be more specific and she responded with, "make sure they are still moving.  I'll be in so much trouble if I starved them to death."  I couldn't help but wonder if she is messing with me.  She then told me they were next to the fish tank and I was like, seriously, she's totally messing with me.

So I did what any confused employee would do and brought my coworkers into the ridiculousness.  Maria and I then went hunting in client services again when we finally stumbled upon this itty bitty tank. that appeared to have absolutely nothing in it until we put the magnifying glass to it and saw these little tiny creatures swimming around in there.  The whole thing was entirely absurd and hilarious at the same time.  Apparently this little, almost invisible creatures are going to get a tiny bit bigger so we shouldn't need a magnifying glass much longer.  I look forward to seeing what they grow into!

Family Day

Happy Saturday.  Today Dave and I spent the whole day with my family which to me is a good thing.  I thoroughly enjoy my family especially our big family gatherings.  We had our holiday Christmas/New Year's party with the whole family from my mother's side.  I'll admit that I was a bit nervous about seeing two of my cousins who rsvp'd to the wedding but then never showed and haven't spoken to me at all.  Honestly, I didn't even care all that much that they didn't come but it really bothered me that I never heard from them after.  Even saying something as simple as "something came up" but nothing.  These were cousins that I really thought I was close too. 

In truth, I think they were mad because I told my aunt that my cousin's son could not be her date to the wedding because I opted to have a "no kids" wedding affair.  Honestly, I even understand them choosing not to come because of that.  I just wish they said something to me.  They didn't and I have to admit that I was nervous about a confrontation today.  There was no confrontation.  Instead there was nothing at all.  The entire 4 hours were spent and I never said hi to them and they never said hi to me.  After about two hours, I felt like I was really being pathetic because this isn't a big deal and it doesn't seem like it's worth severing ties over.  I had a great time at my wedding and harping over two people and their guests not showing is super petty.

Still, after two hours, what was I going to say?  They made little to zero effort to approach me though I could tell the younger cousin wanted to come over but didn't seem to know how.  I kind of regret that I didn't come across as more approachable.  Overall, the entire event went by without any words being spoken and it makes me really sad.  Luckily, I have such a large, amazing family so it was actually awesome.  I adore my younger cousins.  All of them.  They are such great people.

Later we went home to my parents with my sister and discussed my sister's potential wedding.  I'm really excited about it.  In fact, I plan to do more research on it when I get home. 

bleck

I got stuck at work super late tonight and didn't end up leaving until almost midnight.  Last night I went to bed immediately after typing my post at about 8pm and slept through the whole night.  I woke up with a massive headache and called in for the morning.  I continued to sleep as I just felt so exhausted.  When I woke up I felt better and I went to work.  While at my night job my headache began to creep back.  By the time I left, I felt miserable.  I still feel miserable.  I truly hope I am not getting sick.  Everyone at my night job is sick.  Brittany called in, two of my other coworkers' children are sick, and I just really don't want to become another sick person.

Alright, you know what? I'm totally breaking my 2 paragraph rule.  I don't want write anymore and none of you need to deal with my ramblings.  Good night.

Putting something down for the night

I'm writing my post early tonight. Katniss Everdeen and her Hunger Games have my complete attention outside of work.  Last night I stayed up until almost 2am finishing the second book.  My coworker let me borrow the series and Dave has already plowed through them.  Since I'm lying in bed reading, I feel the tiredness from my lack of sleep last night taking hold.   I knew that I either write this post now or very begrudging wake myself up later to write.  As much as I've enjoyed writing every night, I' miss my freedom of crashing early and not having to worry about whether I've written something that day. I suppose the trade off isn't so bad if I sit down to write early enough.

Right now I'm trying to resist the temptation to just stop at the above paragraph.  I don't know why I've given myself the short two paragraph obligation but I feel like it doesn't count if I only spend five minutes typing.  It does.  If any a second paragraph can ruin a post especially if it's about the self enforced 2 paragraph minimum. When I first got home I intended to do a bit more toward my goals and make some progress but now my top priority is finish the third and final book.  I suppose that in and of itself is part of my goals but it's one the easier, more fun of the goals.  Perhaps I'll try again tomorrow.

Productivity

Still no interview today.  It will probably end up being tomorrow when I don't want it to be.  The outfit I have picked out for the day is my least favorite for the week so I may have to reconsider it.  People at the office noticed and complimented me on it.  I also told then that it's a New Year's resolution so I feel that I need to maintain some accountability.   As you all know, it's the accountability factor that makes me stick  with things.  I also am bringing more food to work with me which means that I'm less hungry during the day and therefore the candy jar is far less tempting.

Work started out rough for me today.  By 11am I was certain that my boss was going to give up on me and tell the owner of the company (who I think I saw today but still haven't met yet) that she was no longer considering hiring me permanently.  I just kept making stupid, little mistakes all morning and it was clear that she was getting frustrated with me.  It got to the point where I actually wrote down each of the mistakes in my notebook so as I remind me to smarten up and get with it.  They were dumb mistakes. Not the justifiable ones that everyone makes.  Things she's already corrected me on--the most irritating.

However, after writing my list, I took a deep breath and reminded myself that what is going to happen will happen and just kept on working.  You know, I used to think that if my work gave me the luxury of goofing off while at work, I'd take advantage of it.  I always thought that the reason I didn't check my personal e-mail, dabble on Pinterest, or read my news feed during work was because my prior company had our computers under lock down.  There was a part of me that wondered if I would partake in those simple distractions if I could.

Here's the thing though.  I don't.  My day job isn't like the night job where doing something non work related will get you in seriously trouble.  They don't monitor me for the slightest offenses.  Heck, if I need a break they actually allow it.  I have a far greater sense of freedom.  Obviously, spending the entire day doing my own thing and being paid for it would not only be noticed but harshly reprimanded but I could easily get away with small snip-its.  I still don't.  I walk by some of my coworkers and see then looking at shoes or completing a crossword puzzle or even reading at times but the idea of that is super weird to me.

They aren't paying me to read or to pin things on my online boards.  I wouldn't even consider it.  I feel guilty taking a 15 minute break in addition to my lunch and almost never do.  My boss has to remind me to take my lunch because I feel like I have to get a particular task done.  I fear that if I take a break and something isn't done when it's needed then I'll look like I'm slacking off.  I don't know how others do it.  I pride myself of having something ready before I am asked for it.  Making those mistakes this morning, I was super embarrassed.

I didn't treat school this way.  Maybe it's because I'm being paid for and I feel as if I have to earn the money.  Almost as if I'm stealing if I don't produce.  I'm there to work and work I do.  Clearly, I have more of my parents in me than I realized.  Someday, I need to treat my daily life in the same way.  Maybe if I can do what I do at work at home, I'll actually get things accomplished.  But then I don't get paid to do anything at home and the only person I truly risk disappointing is myself and I've done that so many times over my life that I've just come to expect it.

On the other hand, I did complete the goal of writing for one year and though I haven't posted on the other blog I am making gains on my 27 things.  I just have to keep working on it.  Perhaps it is possible for me to be as productive outside of the office as in. Oh, and as an aside.  Later in the day, my boss saw the mistakes that I wrote down in my notebook.  She took it, wrote on it, and gave it back to me saying that she needed to edit my notes.  When I looked at it I saw that she had scribbled in black pen over what I had written and initialed it the way she edits the rest of my work.  It was a nice way to end the day.

To get things done

There are times when I make inaccurate assumptions.  For example, when I stated that there was absolutely no way that we were going to attain the numbers that we needed during our day job, I was wrong.  During these times, I try and look back to reassess the situation as there may be something to be learned.  When I initially made that statement our numbers were nowhere near what they needed to be in order to reach our goal by the end of the year.  I find it interesting that I would have just given up if I had been the manager.  I would have given up, admitted defeat, and tried to do what I could to salvage what was left of the account. 

My boss didn’t.  She pushed harder and got on people’s cases.  There were times that one could argue that she pushed too hard and it backfired but for the most part, her perseverance paid off.  She had a lot of obstacles to get over too including try to put a fire under the staff who, like me, had also thrown in the towel.   She also had to deal with the holiday obstacle; no one wants to schedule or conduct an in home visit right before or right after the holidays.  It’s a busy, stressful time of year for everyone.   What is it that she saw that I didn’t?  Then I realized that I would have been way too afraid to push like that. 

Once again, it comes down to the fact that I am horribly uncomfortable with being perceived as a bitch. There were times when people did perceive my boss that way and she knew it.  She didn’t care.  She had a job to complete and she wasn’t going to let other people’s opinions of her get in the way of that.  Will I ever be as aggressive as her? I doubt it.  Like I said, I am a believer that you get more flies with honey than vinegar.  However, imagine what I could do if I met her half way.  Who knows?  Maybe during my time here, it will begin to rub off a bit. 

Trying

My work let me out early tonight.  It has been super dead for since Christmas and we've been able to maintain the impossible by keeping our Falcon numbers at zero and all the online requests responded to and all the days work completed and QC'd.  That and the call volume is also really low.  As a result for the past couple of nights we've been able to send people home early.  Today, I requested that I could be one of the ones who went home.  Still, to be fair, we put our names in a hat and picked two names.  Luckily I was one of them.

I was really grateful because tomorrow we are supposed to be visited by the owner of the company.  He's going to be there for the next couple of weeks.  I know that there is a very, very good chance that I will be meeting with him tomorrow or Wednesday.  It was good to go home, take a shower, get my clothes ready, and just chill out.  I actually got my clothes ready for the rest of the week.  I'm really trying to become more aware and put more effort in the clothing I wear.  If I'm going to wake up, roll out of bed, and throw something on then I can at least choose what I will throw on before going to bed.  Or a week in advance which is probably better for someone like me.

So we'll see.  I went and bought a couple of pairs of sweater tights at TJ Maxx because I'm always cold.  Always.  It's really become obnoxious.  I hate the fact that no matter where I go, what season it is, it's always too cold inside for me.  I swear, what most people consider a comfortable temperature is approximately 5 degrees colder than the temperature I'm most comfortable at.  I always feel like I have to bundle up and I tend to find layers super uncomfortable.  So I end up in big, bulky, think sweaters, pants, and constantly have warm water nearby to keep my hands warm.

So I'm hoping to get over that.  Maybe somehow figure out a way to trick my mind into making my body feel warmer than I do.

Day one of the new year

New Year's Day is almost over.   I hope that all of you had a nice beginning to the year as I did.  The day was bright, sunny, warm, and beautiful.  Of course going to bed super late and waking up early to watch the sunrise meant that Dave and I slept most of the day.  Driving home from Newport was difficult but we got home and I crashed while watching the Patriots Game.  My only regret is that we missed the polar bear plunge.  The polar bear plunge or as Dave calls it, the polar bear jump, is when a bunch of crazy people run into the ocean on the first of the year.  The ocean is warmer at this time of year than it is during the summer.  Anyway, they ran into the ocean at the beach right across the street from us.  We just didn't know about it so we missed it.

So since I slept all day I need to do something tonight to make it a more productive start to the new year.  Luckily, I don't have to work tomorrow morning so I can stay up a bit later than I normally would want.  Thank goodness because there is no way I would be able to get to sleep at a reasonable hour.  When I woke up CBS was on from the game and they had all this news on politics.  All I can say is that it's going to be a very long campaign year that I'm really, really not looking forward to.   I'm so disenchanted with the whole system and I don't want to care but I do.  I care a lot and I hate that I care so much because aside from casting my vote on election day I feel like there is very little I can do.

I have high hopes for this year.  

Happy New Year!

This is the last post of the whole year!!!  It's December 31st and with the publishing of this post, I can safely say that I have written for an entire year.  Dave, Jamie, Ian, and I are in a Newport hotel room and I decided to write now because we have massive amounts of alcohol that I will enjoy as soon as I finish this post.  So I'm writing this post now because I didn't want to run the risk of passing out without writing on the last day (which would so happen if I wasn't actively aware that it could).  Also, I didn't want my last post of the year to be written in a drunken haze.

At the moment Dave and Ian are having guitar fun time.  Ian, in some twist, has become Dave's guitar teacher.  It's really cute.  He's been practicing all week so that he and Ian could play more tonight.  It's been adorable.  I was enjoying it because it meant that he was expanding his repertoire.  Then when Jamie and I came back from borrowing Jumanji and Happy Feet from the front desk (we plan to get drunk to those later) we heard him playing the same old tune only this time Ian had expanded on it which made it sound cooler but I want him continue growing.

So why are in Newport, RI?  Mainly because the hotels in New Hampshire were closed.  Last year we hung out for New Year's Eve but got so drunk and stayed up so late that we never got to see the sunrise.  I totally loved that night and also missed watching the sunrise.  So we came up with the idea of staying on the water so that we'd be close.  All the hotels in New Hampshire are closed for the season so here we  are.  Happy New Year Everyone!

Fortunate and Thankful

I just took a look at Boston.com's The Year in Pictures: Part 1 and it really made me stop and think about how lucky we are in this country.  Incredibly, incredibly lucky.  We have this tendency to focus on what's wrong and all the small shenanigans at play.  Sure, the concerns the citizens of this country have are very important.  I myself, get caught up and overemotional about them too.  However, looking through these photos, I can't help but realize how safe, secure, and okay everything really is in this country.  Does that mean we won't get there, of course not but we aren't there yet.  There are so many people who live everyday in legitimate fear (not the stupid irrational fear that I fear at times).  Their fear is real.  They and their loved ones could be killed or harmed any moment.

Sure I understand the Occupy Wallstreet movement and many other "issues" we have in this country.  Like I said before, we have some serious, serious flaws.  I wish we could totally restructure the system and try again but I don't live in fear that a bomb could blow up next to me, that I won't get shot in the head during a protest, that I might not have a warm, home to return to at the end of the day.  It saddens me.  I don't get it. I don't understand what it must be like to live in a society like that.  The United States got their most recent glimpse of the terror on September 11, 2001.  There are so many other countries where it feels like that everyday and I can't imagine that.

I'll be honest.  On big days like New Year's Eve and 4th of July,  I do quietly get nervous that something terrible could happen.  I then remember that September 11th wasn't a special day.  It was an ordinary day just like any other but you can't live in fear like that.  I don't know.  Normally, I don't look at pictures like this but when I do I just wish I had the power to make things right.  Unfortunately, wishing for world peace is something that is more than a cliche.  It's impossible.  All I can do is give them my thoughts and just remember how incredibly, incredibly lucky I am that I was born in this country to my family.   Really, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world right now.

Brief Post

First things first.  I'm going to write this post before I begin falling asleep.  The past couple of posts have just been ridiculous especially last night's when I was half asleep.  Unfortunately my desperate attempts to write and not fully wake up didn't work.  When I put the computer down, I tried to fall back asleep and just ending up laying there.  I gave myself 20 minutes and then ended up waking up.  Last night, I spent most of the night working on my wedding budget.

 My sister requested it and I wanted to help her.  Plus it put it into a better perspective for me, as well.  I wanted it to be thorough and organized so I looked through prior statements, grouped the transactions, and placed them into an Excel spreadsheet for her.  She also asked us recently which things we would change and what we liked the most so I tried to include that in there for her.   It was actually a nice thing to keep on file for us later on in our lives.

I have so many things on my list of things to do and I plan to actually do some of them tonight.  The 27 Goals Project hasn't worked out so well.  I need to get back on that and actually do something.  I am making progress on the goals; I've just done nothing to document them like I hoped.  Alright I need to continue making more progress.

Midnight necessity

This is going to be super quick tonight,  I found myself struggling to stay awake and put myself to bed.  Dave actually just woke me up to make sure that I wrote for the night.   How awesome is that? He's so good to me.  Anyway my goal is to just type my two paragraphs and stop so I can go back to sleep.  Is it bad that I'm looking at what's I've written thus far and getting annoyed that I'm not further along?  I feel like Charles Dickens being paid by the word except that I'm not being be paid and my writing doesn't quite have the "best of times and worst of times" ring to it.

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water and you keep yourself in that half asleep state so as to not wake up fully?  That way it's easier to fall back to sleep once you go back to bed.  I think that this is the longest I've ever kept myself in this mode.  I am very sorry to everyone reading this.  You are all such good friends for putting up with this.  A goal is a goal and I don't believe that I only have 3 days left.  3 days!  Of course, I don't plan on stopping.  Even posts like this keep up the habit.  I personally believe that this is one of the best habits I've developed in my life.  But yes, in 3 days I will have officially met my goal.  If I allowed myself to be more awake I might actually feel more excited.  It's time to go back to bed.

Paranoia

I'm tired and I don't want to write.  How many times have I used that as an opening?  Too many, I know.  Around 10pm, I was struggling to stay awake at work.   I couldn't wait to go home, type out whatever nonsense I felt like and go to bed.  Then I stepped outside.  It was cold, rainy, windy, and it woke me right up.   Irritating.  By the time I got home, I was in a funk and threw myself under my headphones to escape from the world for a while.  Not sure if that was the healthiest way to handle whatever it was but it seemed to work.

Really, today my paranoid insecurities were out to play.  They are still having quite a good time on the swing set in my mind, actually.  By the time I came home tonight, I felt like I could go from having two jobs to having no jobs and then what would I do?  Of course, there was absolutely nothing that happened outright that prompted this but still I can't help but feel this way.  During the day, my boss said that she spoke to the owner and he mentioned hiring someone to help her on the business development side which she spoke with one of my coworkers about but gave her no update on my situation.  Obviously, that means that they're reconsidering me for the job, right?  Like I said, paranoid much?

At my second job my team lead pulled a few reports and determined that our SLAs are too low.  Sure, I've been there longer than most but with the wedding and this other job, I haven't given extra hours like everyone else.  That and I allowed so much time to accrue that I've had a ton of time off which makes me feel like I'm not meeting expectations and that they aren't going to want to continue to have me on.  Again, it was nothing egregious.  No one actually complained about my performance or lack of it but I still feel like my days are numbered.

Slipping under my headphones for an hour helped distract me from these doomsday thoughts.  Really, I'm not quite sure what I can do about them except just continue to go to work and do what I can.  As I've said before, I just need to see what happens.  If I lose them both then the day job clearly wasn't for me and I've always thought that my night job letting me go might be the only way that I end up leaving it.  It's comfortable now and the people are amazing; I don't particularly want to leave.   Anyway, I can already see that this current train of thought is going to lead me in circles.  It's probably best that I just go to bed.  I'll think about it tomorrow.

Not much to write tonight

I got a second Christmas gift from my work today.  Okay, it wasn't really a gift but it felt like one.  I went into work tonight and everyone looked at me and was like, "what are you doing here?"  At first I was a bit confused but then they all told me that I had the night off.  I completely forgot about it.  The best part was that it wasn't busy at all today so I didn't even feel bad about going home.  It felt like Christmas all over again.  I got the entire day off today.  Of course, I have to go in and do a double again tomorrow but I'm writing this post before 11pm which wouldn't be possible.

Because I didn't do much today, I don't have much to discuss here tonight.  It felt good to catch up on my sleep and do a few more things that I've been too busy to do.  I wish I had done more but I shouldn't be so hard on myself.  I have so many different things in the works and I long for the days back in college when I would stay up late and get things done.  Now, despite the extra sleep I'm still tired at 11pm.  I don't want to ignore the tiredness because I am trying to get back into a routine of going to bed at a reasonable hour and waking at a reasonable hour.   Also, I totally don't feel like writing so I'm going to call it a night tonight.

Happy Christmas

Merry Christmas!!  I hope you all had as nice of a Christmas as I had today.  After sleeping over at my sister's place, we went to my parents' house.  There we opened presents like we were still five years old.  I think it's still funny that our family still abides by the tradition of gathering around the tree, my sister and I taking turns unwrapping gifts.  Of course, the presents have changed over the years and I can't help but feel like my parents are just doing too much.  I mean, I'm almost thirty now.  I feel like one gift would be more than enough.  Nevertheless, they got Dave and me a nice picture frame with a wedding photo in it, a beautiful ornament commemorating our first Christmas together, and a membership to the Museum of Science.  I also received an evergreen sweater and some other nice gifts as well.  

My sister, Ben, Dave, and I got together to buy my mother her ornaments and my dad hockey skates.  Laura and Ben want to build an ice rink the way my dad used to when we were little.  Laura bought Ben a pair of skates, then bought a second pair which she decided to gift to Dave instead.  I'm really excited that he now has a pair of skates because now we can go skating together.  The past couple of times we've gone to the rink he's had to rent skates which have always left him feeling super uncomfortable and in pain.  Dave's gift to me was the highlight.  He completely surprised me with a kindle.  I'm super excited about it.  He's going to download books on it for me too. 

The coolest part of the day was hanging out with my grandmother and teaching her how to use a computer.  She is super sharp.  I can only hope that I'm half as quick as she is when I'm her age.  From her experience as a typist, she is already better at typing than many people I know.  Of course, the spacing between the keys on a laptop are very different than those on a typewriter and that threw her off and frustrated her a bit but she caught on super quickly.  We showed her how to use e-mail and created a Facebook page for her.  Dave even gave her a link to my blog here (hi grandma!).  She was cautioned that is not a organized, well-written, or entirely optimistic place of writing for me.  Hopefully she won't become too upset or think any less of me after reading this. 

Overall, another wonderful Christmas had by our family.  

Twas the Night Before Christmas

It's the night before Christmas and I'm writing at my sister's new home.  Dave and I are staying here because they have to go up to Maine tomorrow to celebrate Christmas with his parents as well. So they will have to leave early tomorrow so they can take the trek up.   Understandably, they didn't want Dave and I arriving in the mid-afternoon and give them a late start.  It's true that is probably what would happen if we did head back to our apartment.  We wouldn't want to wake up and totally end up getting there later than expected. 

Last year, I wasn't able to enjoy the Christmas Eve festivities due to work and it was good to see everyone this year.  Every year, my uncle hosts Christmas at his house. There is always a delicious meal served with lobster, spaghetti, and ravioli.  They had lobster ravioli and regular ravioli.  Both lobster sauce and regular sauce.   It's all just so good.  We actually picked up Dave's mom so that she could join us this year.  It was really nice for her to be there.   She is just as much a part of my family now and all of them are and it was nice that she could be there with us.   Despite her not celebrating Christmas, she handled it all very well and she had a good time. 

The biggest downside that it took almost two hours to get home considering we had bring her back home and then drive back to my sister's place.  It was worth it though to have her there with us this year.  Next year, I'm scheduled to work Christmas Eve again.  We'll see where I am at this time next year.  Hopefully, I still be able to join the party.  I have such a good time. 

Happy Birthday Mom!

Happy birthday mom! I hate that her birthday falls so close to Christmas because we never really end up doing anything special for her as a result. As a child she would always receive the dreaded birthday/Christmas combination gift. She would tell the story about when she was a child her siblings would receive a $5 bill for their birthdays and a $5 bill for Christmas. My mom, on the other hand would receive just one $5 bill as a birthday/Christmas gift. Sadly my sister and I have continued with this unfair ritual. On Christmas she receives the Hallmark ornaments on her list with a " happy birthday and merry Christmas" wish. There's no taking mom out dinner-it's just Christmas dinner.  Even this year, with all the craziness I didn't get her a separate gift. I'm such a terrible daughter. It's one thing to not do anything at 17 and another thing entirely at 27.

My mom deserves so much more than the very little we end up doing for her. She always gave us more of herself than she really should have and I feel like I am selfish person for taking advantage of it and giving so little back. In the end though I thinks she does know how much we love her. She is one of the most important people in my life. Yes, she is my mother but now she's also one of my best friends.  I tell her everything and she is still the first or  second person I call when something big or small happens in my life. She is still the person I go to in order to evaluate big decisions though I'm trying to grow up a bit more and not go to her as much.  Anyway, she is a wonderful woman and the best mom.  Love you mom!

Slight anxiety

My meeting went well today.  I must admit.  I would like this to work out.  Honestly, it's scares me to say this but it's true.  The truth is I would actually like working here full time.  I would like to begin leading a relatively normal life again.  Maybe make a bit more money and gain a lot of skills.  The person I met with help me ease my fears regarding the company.  Yes, we are start up company and there is a lot of risk but  the owners of the company have already done this once.   They last company they had started with 4 people in a one room office (including the president) and by the time they sold it a couple of years ago there were 3500 employees.  They sold the company for 15 million dollars.

These two companies are their next project.  It makes sense that I would be part of a start up company.  Especially a start up company in the education field.  A part of me feels like I should be here.   I feel like I'm almost meant to be here.  However, there are many things that I thought were meant to be that never amounted to anything so I'm nervous.  I don't actually have this job yet.  Not at all.  I have still yet to meet the owner of the company.  He will be coming to visit in January.   What if he doesn't feel like I'm worth it.  He is a businessman after all.  He'll be looking at the bottom line.

There's also that terrible contract with the temp agency.  The company is under a contract with my temp agency that they pay 40% of my first year's salary.  That's nuts.  Sure I would not have found this place without the temp agency but I think it's pretty crappy that if I like the job and the people at the job like me, they have to pay 40% of what they give me.  That means that if they pay me $40K (I wish), they are actually paying close to $70K. Not cool.  Not cool at all.  I get that's how they make their money and all but seriously.

Ah well.  I just have to wait and see.  I've got another long day ahead of me tomorrow but then it's Christmas.  My gosh, how is it already Christmas?

possiblities

It's 10 o'clock and it feels both early and late at the same time.  I can't decide if this hour should be bedtime and hope to extend my mornings or if I should just embrace the next two hours as part of my regular evenings and do something with them.  I didn't have the talk with the president of the company today nor did I have the discussion with the person who is working on the project that I was shown.  My meeting with the president was moved until tomorrow morning and I think the meeting with the man project guy will be on Friday.

Basically, I'll tell the condensed version rather than the longer story.  Exactly a week ago, my boss made mention of my staying on over the first two weeks of January.  More specifically, she stated, "Don't make any plans for January, I have you for at least the first two weeks."  Then as a casual aside, she mention, "that is if you still want to be here."  As you know, last week about this time, I was having my doubts.  In fact, I was just trying to make it through the day so I could go home and actually think on them and discuss them with Dave when she asked.  Not knowing exactly what I wanted or what to say I said nothing and hoped she'd move on.

She didn't.  She pounced on me actually wanting to know why I was silent and what was wrong.  Again, unsure, I just responded that I had been thinking about it and just hadn't made up my mind yet.   She wanted more than that.  Flustered, I floundered with my words and said a lot of things that didn't come out right and the entire meeting was very uncomfortable.  It ended with her basically throwing me out of her office, calling in our HR person and closing the door.  I spent my lunch venting on the phone with Dave at how unprofessional I thought her reactions were.

The next day, I didn't go in and spent more time thinking about it.  On Friday we sat down and I expressed my concerns that I didn't want to be a permanent temp and that I wanted to look and see what else was out.  Maybe something that I have a bit more interest in or something that has more to do with my degree.  Sure enough, she mentioned the other side of the company.  The Education side. The next thing I knew, it was Monday and I was meeting with one of the main people there and it was definitely more interesting than anything I have encountered before.

Needless to say, I'm not quite so intent on leaving at the moment.  I sense an opportunity is in front of me and I feel like I should see what happens.  Really, I'm not banking on anything.  I'm sort of just letting it happen or not happen.  I don't want to force anything because that never seems to work for me.  So that's that.  I'll keep you posted and maybe even describe it in more detail later.  We'll see.

Late nights

When I got home from work tonight, I meant to write a longer, more detailed post about my current job situation but found myself talking to Dave.  Last night when I got home he was half-asleep so I wrote my post and we immediately went to bed.  It's not easy though.  A lot can happen in a day for each of us so it's hard that when you finally arrive home the other person is struggling to stay awake.  There is no time for chit chat.  As it is, I feel badly that he's forced himself to stay awake until I get home.

Because I wanted last night's post to be more of a follow up post, I didn't get the chance to write about the events of the day.  Now two full days have past and each day I'm finding myself taking one step in a direction that I didn't anticipate.  So I planned to write it here; however Dave wasn't half asleep so I just started talking to him.  I had two days worth of conversation that I wanted to share and get his feedback on.  Seriously, do you have any idea how lucky I am to have found a man that I can talk to about anything.  I love him so much.

Anyway, after spending an hour and a half talking to him it is now 1am.  It's one in the morning but it feels like 2.  I'm exhausted.  I have another full day tomorrow at work complete with an interview with the president of the company, another meeting with the person who may become a second boss, and possibly a phone conversation with the man who is a key developer on the project I may end up working on.  It's a big day and I'll explain more tomorrow, hopefully.  Tomorrow, this whole thing could be very different but we'll.  Tonight though, I am in need of my sleep.

Thank you

Thank you to those of you who reached out to me today.  I didn't mean to worry you with my post from last night.  Sometimes I forget that other people read what I write and posts like last night's can be difficult for those who love me and don't get the chance to see me on a daily basis.  I'm apologize if I made any of you worry unnecessarily.   I think it's sometimes more difficult to bear witness to someone else's pain than it is to bear it yourself.  When you live it, you don't have a choice yet at the same time you have more control over it than those around you.  You just do it.  It's those around you who want to help and fix it.

I know that you may feel helpless throughout this whole process but you don't know how much help you have already given me.  You read this silly blog on a daily basis.  When you read something that touches you or worries you, you tell me about it and just knowing that you are there for me makes all the difference.  I don't know if what I'm writing is making any sense but please know that I love you all and being loved by you in return is more than I could even begin to ask for.  I'm so incredibly lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.  If I had to deal with one giant scumbag to be able to appreciate it the way I do then I'd deal with him all over again if I had to.

Today was a much better day.  Writing that post proved to be very therapeutic.  I actually wrote it by hand first before typing it up later in the evening.  Once I finished writing I felt as if much of the weight was lifted off my shoulders.  Dave and I worked together to get some of the laundry done, do the dishes, and prepare the pasta salad for my the Secret Santa party at work tonight.  He doesn't want me to do it all myself.  He wants to help; he wants us to do it together.  That is something I can get behind.  Today was one of the first days that I didn't feel like I was in such a fog.  It's not gone but I feel like I'm not hindered the same way by it.

Anyway, thank you so much for all your love and support.  I love you more than you know.

Opening up

Sometimes I feel unsafe.  I feel as if there is danger all around me.  I jump at the slightest noise and overreact to things that present little or no harm. I feel as if I have to be constantly alert all the time.  Still, I find that I'm easily surprised by something unexpected and very jumpy.  Today, my daily life give me little reason to fear things the way I do; however, I utilize the television to support these fears.  I watch shows that focus on horrible events in life.  Shows about death, murder, hostages, and victimization.  I can connect with these shows on some level.  I connect with the victims.  I dissociate from my own experience.  These shows both support and reinforce my feelings that the world is a dangerous place. I've been victimized once but there are many ways for it to happen again.

I live with a constant internal struggle.  I oscillate between trying to deny, hide, push away, "let go" of what happened to me and trying to accept them.  Acceptance feels impossible much of the time, however it doesn't go away despite my constant efforts to suppress them.  Instead, I live in a state of survival..  I go through the motions but never actually experience anything.  I live perpetually disconnected from myself, my feelings, and the world around me.  When not working I continue to escape from the conscious world by sleeping whenever I can.  Even the nightmares are preferable as I can exert some control over them through semi-lucid dreaming.  Hours of oversleeping have helped me develop this skill. Escapism is always the choice over actually living.  Even when awake, I fantasize about being someone else, a better version of myself who cares about herself and the things and people around her.

I don't take care of myself, my belongings, or the people around me.  Though it's extremely embarrassing to admit, I neglect even the most basic necessities.  I go days without a shower, don't brush my teeth regularly, skip meals only to binge later.  The most exercise I get on a daily basis is whatever walking is necessary for me to get to, from, and around the offices I work in.  My apartment is in constant disarray.  The dirty laundry sits in a giant pile on the floor in my room and the hallway, unclean dishes take up space in the sink, days old trash accumulates in multiple bags in the kitchen, and my belongings are strewn about the apartment because I never put things back where they belong.  Because I'm too lazy to exert any effort the majority of food I eat consists of ready made snacks full of sugar or salt.  Sometimes making a peanut butter sandwich seems like too much work so I scoop the peanut butter out of the jar and eat it like ice cream.

The burden of cooking a real meal falls on restaurants and/or my husband Dave.  He finally expressed his frustration last night before going to bed.  We had gotten into a tiff about something small and unrelated and he completely overreact.  Later he opened up and explained how resentful he is growing to this one-sided relationship.  He expressed himself with feelings of guilt because he knows what I am going through and adamantly reiterated that he still loves me very much.  It saddens me that he's held it in for so long and was nervous about telling me.  Of course he has every right to be upset and frustrated- I would be too.  In fact, I would never have had the patience he's had with me.  I've been extremely unfair to him and have taken advantage of one of the most important people in my life. I wish I could say that he is the only one but he's not.  I show up late, cancel things last minute, and forget to return things that others have let me borrow.  I've also been so self-absorbed that I really haven't been there for many of the people closest to me.

All of these are interconnected.  Since finding Greg on that registry I stopped trusting that I won't be overwhelmed by my feelings so I've numbed out and stopped feeling anything.  At some point I stopped believing that I was worth any kind of care and stopped taking care of myself all together. With no pride or reason to care for myself I stopped caring about the things around and stopped thinking about the feelings of others.  By not doing what is needed for myself and my environment, I only feel worse.  I come overwhelmed and exhausted prompting me to sleep all day.

The truth is that I need to make time for my feelings.  I have learned many skills since beginning the process to be able to handle them.  Pushing them down in vain attempt to 'let it go" only makes them stronger.  I have to work that much harder to suppress them and it's exhausting.  I need to make time and room to experience the feelings no matter how much I'd rather not.  They don't go away.  It just becomes easier to dissociate over time.  If I can't do it for myself then I need to at least begin doing it for Dave. It's not fair for him to have to do it all.  When we married, we became partners.  When we married, we became partners.  I need to start acting like one and actually doing my part.

This writing is a start. I allowed myself to express myself is not going to solve anything.  Yes I hit a massive setback.  I fell like I've broken my ankle after years of training for a marathon.  I need to get off my feet, let it heal, and then try to make up for the lost training time.  It's going to be frustrating and painful and slow.  I just need to be patience.

Christmas party

Tough day today.  Really tough.  I almost didn't go to Katie and Jared's party.  Thankfully I did.  I had a good time (despite that Dave and I just got into a huge stupid fight about something that happened during it).  Katie and Jared throw some really great parties.  They invite great people, create a wonderful vibe, and everyone has a great time.  I just can't believe how long it took for me to get there.

Honestly, I slept all day.  Literally all day.  I went to bed yesterday at 1am when Dave got home, tried to wake up at 9 and couldn't.  Slept until noon, still couldn't get out of bed and finally got out of bed around 1:30 in the afternoon.  I got on my computer and just felt like I couldn't function.  Within the hour I went back to bed and back to sleep waking up only upon Dave's insistence around 5 so we could get ready for the party.  Unfortunately this time, I felt like hell.

I had a headache and just wanted to go back to bed.  The idea of getting up, getting dressed, going out in the cold, and staying out late seemed overwhelming to me.  I developed this awful headache and just felt awful.  Finally, when the pain died down and I laid there awake for a bit telling myself that I would totally regret not going.  Really, there is no reason at all that it should have been so difficult.  I hate these mental issues that have seemed to creep back into my life.  I hate the fact that I've done this to myself but being so stupidly curious.

Of course, we had a good time.  I knew I was going to but it still took me forever to get there.  It was so not cool.

Christmas Shopping

Got many of my Christmas gifts tonight.  I love the Liberty Tree mall because it's more of a discount mall than a real one.  Instead of Nordstrom, Macy's, and many of the other higher retail stores the mall is composed of discount stores such as Marshalls, Target, 5 and below, and many others.  All my anxiety about what to buy for the Yankee Swap was unfounded.  As Katie says, the best gift in a Yankee Swap is something you would like to have for yourself and that is exactly what I found.  I would love to keep this gift for myself and there's a small part of me that kind of hopes that no one else wants it.  There was one other at the store so even if someone else does get it then I can command Dave to go back and get the other one while I'm at work. 

I still need to figure something out for one of my coworkers at the day job and I have absolutely no idea what to get.  We'll see what happens.  I have until Wednesday so hopefully something will come of it.  I found something for our Secret Santa at my night job but that was easy.  I knew what I was going to go get her for a while now.  Also found some great stocking stuffers for my coworkers at the night job.  At 5 and Below I found these winter flavored lip balms for $4 for a pack of 7 so I got three and on Sunday I'll place them into their stockings.   In addition, I found a $5 gift for my boss.  She had mentioned wanting to get something to put her iPhone on to play her music so I got her something that does that.  I just hope that for $5, it works.  

Dave is out with his former roommates and it's been nice having the night to myself.  It's so obvious that I'm a newlywed because I already find myself missing him.  Being super tired I might just go to sleep before he comes home tonight which I can't think about too much because I'll start worrying and possibly panicking that something terrible will happen to him.  Thought stopping.  That's the technique for this kind of thing.  

Titles are hard for me

Therapy wasn't as cathartic as I hoped today but I think there's just a lot for me to weigh and process that it can't all happen in one 45 minute session.  There's too much that's happening right now in my life that it's going to take longer than I want.   She gave me a copy of a document called, "The Trauma Information Group Manual" written by colleagues of hers who work at The Victims of Violence Program in Cambridge.  They ask to not be quoted without the authors' permission so I won't but I wish I could because there is so much useful information within the document.  

We discussed a lot of things that I don't quite feel comfortable going into right now.  It's late and I just don't want to rehash those feelings at the moment.  I want to sit and veg out before going to bed.  I'm so lucky because I actually have tomorrow night off but that doesn't mean I won't be busy.  My plan is to do the Christmas shopping that is still very much needed.  I haven't done any of it.  Katie and Jared's Christmas party is this Saturday and I am woefully unprepared.  I don't have a second gift for the Yankee Swap and have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do.  I know it shouldn't be stressing me out but then my nerves are all frayed and honestly, what isn't getting me all anxious.  It's really irritating that my emotions feel so out of control.... again.  

Really, what the hell? Christmas is next weekend.  Seriously, when did that happen?  I need more time.  November felt like it was never going to end but now here's Christmas.  I need to stop being so selfish and start thinking about others.  I've been selfish long enough.

Quidam

Tonight is one of those nights that I'm just not int he mood to write.  Dave and I went to see the Cirque Du Soleil's Quidam at the DCU Center in Worcester.  It was amazing!  I wish I had half the flexibility that some of those women have in that show.  I was introduced to Cirque du Soleil years ago with this exact show when I watched it on DVD.  Between the music and the acts, I was overwhelmed by its awesomeness.  Dave and I took my parents and sister to see a different Cirque show and the acts in that were great but it didn't have the pizzazz or the depth that Quidam had.  The show tonight definitely met my expectations.  The only downside to tonight was that the DCU center is massive and they didn't sell enough tickets.  It is a show that needs a full house and the audience didn't have the electric quality that show like this tends to dictate.  The show is sold out on Friday so the lack of audience definitely had to do with it being a Wednesday.

The biggest downside of tonight was that we didn't get home until after 11.  There is something to be said about getting home prior to 11pm.  It's strange how important that time is over the course of many nights in a row.  It's tiring.  Alright, yeah... I'm done for the night.  This post is over.

Contemplation

I'm super tired so I plan to make this post short.  I know I've said that before but I mean it tonight.  Normally I wait for my coworker to leave with me but it was already 11:20 and I thought I was going to fall asleep right there that I just took my chances and walked out alone.  This schedule is not the easiest thing in the whole to accommodate and it's not getting any easier now that the honeymoon period with my new boss seems to be over.  She's become super nit-picky all of a sudden and I think I'm beginning to see why so many found her challenging to work with.  I mean, she's always been demanding but these past two days it's gone beyond that.

Perhaps she's just having a bad week but both days I've left the office wondering if this job is worth it.  Ideally, I would love to stay on long enough for it to be something I could add to a resume but I don't I'm not sure if sticking it out another 2-3 months is really worth it.  There's no job security and as a result her stress level is always stretched to the max.  Plus, if she's getting on my case now about this kind of stuff, I can't imagine it improving and that will only leave me feeling resentful and that would feed her irritation.  She is a wonderful person who really means well but under the pressure of the situation sometimes her overly demanding behavior is downright obnoxious.  Today was the second day I caught myself rolling my eyes at something she was criticizing me about.  I don't do that so to do it two days in a row is saying something.

One of the many things I've learned from my student teaching hell was that if you can't find a way to put out the fire, you should probably leave the building before it burns you alive.  I don't want to end up in that situation again uselessly tossing buckets of water on an inferno.  So far, I've establish a solid relationship with her and I'd like to keep it that way but it won't happen because I won't be able to continue keeping quiet. Like I said, I'd like this to work but I am seriously contemplating writing a letter of resignation where I indicate a two week notice that she can either accept or have me leave upon my handing it to her.  I just want to do it professionally and with a clear head.  Not every situation works and I need to not try and force it.  

With that, I'm going to bed.  I have another day tomorrow so we'll see how that goes.

Frustration and Disappointment

Today was a super frustrating day.  It appears that my day job is officially a lost cause.  There is absolutely no way we are going to make the numbers that we are responsible for and my boss is having a really hard time accepting this.  She came in late in the game, long after her predecessors destroyed any possibility of completing what they initially told our client we could accomplish.  To my boss's credit, she came in and turned things around in the few short months that she has worked there and I think she was really hoping that we'd be able to save it.  Unfortunately when the expectation was initially set at 10,000 and we probably won't hit 3,000, there is only so much you can do.

I get it.  This is her only job.  This is it for her.  We have no other contracts as of right now and she is feeling the pressure of making magic.  My personal opinion is for her to just let this die, they've already told us they weren't going to use us again and all we can do is what we've been doing.  There's only so much that she can do at this point.  If it were me, I'd be focusing all of my remaining efforts and time on trying to garner new business.  But then, I've only been in the workforce for 3 years, the most of it spent in a call center, what do I know?  Regardless, the pressure is on and she was not very pleasant to work for today.  She's demanding in general but today was a bit absurd.  It was like nothing I did was good enough or done fast enough and she was annoyed that I had to leave for my other job.

It was just ridiculous.  When I finally got to my second job after waiting 20 minutes at the post office (first time this year I hated the fact that Christmas is upon us) and being stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, I came in to find the 2012 holiday schedule.  Not only am I working Christmas Eve again next year but I am also scheduled to work 5-11pm on the 4th of July.  I've said it here before and I'll say it again: the 4th of July is my holiday; it's the only one I actively participate in for more than the necessity of it.  I like Thanksgiving too.  I am super bummed and just had to let it be today.  All I can do at this point is ask my coworkers if they'd be willing to switch and be willing to accept that I may end up with Christmas Eve and Christmas Day or Thanksgiving.

If nobody offers to switch then I really will need to reevaluate the holiday's importance.  This past year's holiday showed me that I'm really the only one who takes it as seriously as I do.  Before, I was under the impression that it meant the same to my parents and my sister but last year my sister didn't go at all and my parents only went to keep me from being too disappointed.  In all truth, it doesn't mean that much to them.  It's not Christmas.  As soon as Thanksgiving is over, their tree goes up and the decorations adorn the living room.  They almost didn't go to the 4th of July this year.  I know that Jamie still cares but she's the only one aside from me and I fear that she only cares because she knows how much I care which I love about her but really, maybe I'm just taking it all too seriously.  There was a time that I would've contemplated leaving my job if they made me work on the 4th of July.  Maybe this year will have to be the year I just get over it.

I really wish I could love Christmas as much as everyone else seems to but in reality, I find it burdensome.  The season just seems so fake.  It used to mean so much more when I actually was religious.  It had the religious significance back then and I could roll my eyes and do my best to overlook the emphasis on buying presents and silly decorations.  All that mattered to me back then was the putting up the nativity set that my nana beautifully painted 50 years ago (just did it last night!).  I didn't care about the Christmas tree, the parties, the presents.  It was about Jesus and that nativity was the perfect representation of all that mattered.  Now though, I don't believe that Jesus is the only way to God.  I'm not even sure what I believe regarding him as a Messiah.

Without that, all that's left is all crazy nonsense: people trampling each other to get a particular gift, Christmas music playing before Thanksgiving begins, lines out the door at the post office, the Secret Santas and the Yankee Swaps which almost always result in your receiving something you neither want nor need and your gift being the exact same for the intended recipient, for my family--it was the ornament hunting that began at the beginning of the season and continued after the New Year.  Please don't get me wrong.  I don't criticize anyone who really enjoys any of these things.  I'm glad that my parents find happiness in their pursuit of the newest ornament in a series and the parties are always a good time.  I love most Christmas music too.  Yes, I know this post is very reminiscent of Scrooge's bah humbug spirit but that's not how I feel at all.

Dave put up our Christmas tree today while I was at work and it is beautiful and I love it.  It's completely bare and it's perfect.  I intend to place some of the ornament's I've received over the years but I just enjoy having it in my apartment.  Baking and decorating the cookies on Saturday was a blast and photographing my parents wonderfully decorated living room made me really happy.  I will sing Christmas songs and buy my presents on Wednesday and enjoy myself at all the work and social parties.  Christmas is a special holiday and it always will be but it will also be a constant reminder of everything I've lost spiritually.  Until I can find some peace with that spiritual loss it will always remain bittersweet.