Something more

Feeling so much better tonight, thank goodness.  I'm not 100% but comparatively, this is something  I can handle without wanting to kill anyone.  I felt so badly for Dave as I was quite the grumpy bitch at him until I went to bed at 10:40ish.  Yes, I was bitchy even after he worked so hard to clean up the place hoping to make me feel better. I'm a horrible soon to be wife.  Luckily I was tired enough to go to bed before I could make his night miserable too.  So that was a good thing and I'm much happier tonight.

While I was work, I thought of a bunch of different things to write about tonight but now can I remember a single one of them?  Nope, not at all.  I should really learn to write these things down when I think of them.  Anyway, I'm trying to figure out how to go about figuring out what I want to do in my life.  Yes, I know that right now I should be focused on the wedding but let's be honest.  The day I come back from our honeymoon is a day of reckoning for me.  I will no longer be able to say, "I'll figure that out once I'm married..." So yeah, I've been thinking recently about what I'm going to do to try and figure it out.

Truth is, I'm great at pretending that I'm better at things than I am.  When I listen to a great song sometimes I'll fantasize that I composed it (despite knowing not even a little about music), when I read something compelling, I pretend that I wrote it.  If I stroll past an incredible piece of artwork, I wish I could do something like that.  In my mind I'm great at whatever it is that I encounter at the moment.  The reality is that I'm not a great musician, vocalist, writer, artist, anything really.  I don't have anything that I do really well and though I aspire greatness like we all do, I don't know which direction to look in for it.  

I used to think I had a knack for teaching until I got into the field and realized I'm not as talented as I thought.  In the end, teaching wasn't for me despite my wanting it to be and my trying to force it.  There's a fear that I may feel this way about just about anything I encounter.  I guess I'm just tired of being good at something.  I want to be really good at something.  I want others to look at my work and be impressed the way they are when they see Jamie act or when they read something Alli wrote.  Sorry I keep referencing you two but it's true; I admire what you do and I know others agree with me.   I want to find something like that for myself.

For a while I was thinking "blogging" but I've been doing this for a year and honestly I'm not that great at it.  Add to that the simple fact that I don't have anything specific to talk about and I'm just not sure if that's the best fit either. Still, I plan on doing it again once this year is over so I don't know.  As Dave would say, "What to do?"