Grumpy

I'm in a mood right now.  Grumpy and grouchy and unhappy.  I think I know why but I'm not feeling like talking about it and getting into it.  I'm just tired and I really shouldn't be because I slept in so late.  Still, I'm tired.  I'm tired of my mood swings, I'm tired of my allergies, I'm tired of my apartment, I'm tired of everything.  I just want to go away.  I want to get married next week and go on our honeymoon.  I want to move out.  Sigh, I hate feeling this irritated.  I've come to the conclusion that it's this dammed apartment that is instigating my allergies.  When I leave it, I manage to get a bit better then I come home and everything gets set off again.  I hate it and I'm sick of it.  God, I was even happy to be walking into work today because I knew I'd start to feel better once I was there.

So yeah, I don't know.  I have a lot of thoughts and feelings going through me at the moment and I don't know how to articulate them.  Part of me doesn't want to articulate them.  I just want them to go away.  I don't like feeling like I'm disappointed in people I care about or worse that I've disappointed them somehow.  I hate it when others decide for me what I need and then resent me for it.  That's frustrating and unfair.  Just because I'm going through a difficult time right now doesn't mean I can't handle the difficult emotions of others.  I'm not going to shatter because someone else feels like hell too.  I get that this is why people don't discuss their losses openly; knowing your past people changes how people treat you.  Like there afraid that they may say or do the wrong thing and everything will unravel.

Right now I know that this sounds harsh and I'm sure there is a much better way to articulate that tiptoeing around me isn't going to help me anymore than actually saying or doing the wrong thing.  I don't even know what the wrong thing would involve.  I've talked with my coworkers about it and they understand.  When Brittany's father died, she felt it constantly.  Like, "oh I can't mention my own father anymore because she doesn't have hers."  Leah understood it too having lost her little boy.  People would be afraid to mention children around her and never quite new how to act.  She said that she hated it because she just wanted to move on.  It's nice to know that they understand.  I'm not angry at these people even though it seems like I am right now.  I'm really, truly not.  I greatly appreciate that fact that they care enough about me to be concerned about how to act around me.  That means a lot and that's how I've always viewed their actions but today it was just more difficult.

Honestly, I'm probably frustrated about many other deeper, more personal things that I'm not even aware of at the moment and right now this is how my mind is trying to channel it.  Hmphf.  I'm going to bed. Hopefully, it will all be better in the morning.