Paranoia

I had an absurdly hard time waking up this morning.  For a while there I thought I was doing so much better as I was waking up a reasonable hours but it was like I slipped back into my issues.  Whatever.  I'm not going to beat myself up over it as it's not like I can go back in time and wake up properly.  Tomorrow I'll just have to try again.  As of right now, I'm propped up on pillows in my bedroom.  I mentioned that I needed the tv yesterday but tonight I just had zero desire to be on my couch mindlessly gazing at whatever mindless nonsense was playing in front of me.

I'm debating whether or not I should go into the real reasons why I'm not sitting in front of my television right now.  It relates to an "experiment" my therapist has asked me to attempt for this week.  So far, I've been very good about it but tonight I really wanted to slip back into it.  At my last session, I brought up to her my recently new found interest in "crime" shows.  Initially when I started having my freak outs about nothing I couldn't watch shows like Criminal Minds and whatnot; it was too much for me.  However, within the last year I guess, that's what's captivated my interest.  Recently, my repertoire consists of shows like Criminal Minds, Law and Order: SVU and Criminal Intent, Dexter, "Who the Bleep did I Marry?", Snapped, I Survived...., and the most recent series Escaped.

Something about it all this week made me try and figure out where this new found curiosity originated.  It was the series "Escaped" though that totally did me in.  The entire show focuses on one person who was held captive for a period of time and how they eventually managed to escape.  Watching this show, I felt myself totally engaged.  When I brought it up, it came under the "they all had it far worse than me" guise which does make me feel better.  After watching what these other people go through, what happened in my past seems like a minor paper cut.  I figured that would be where our conversation would end but of course she said something that made far more sense to me.

She brought up how I feel constantly on guard.  Today, just my phone ringing while I was hanging out with Katie caused me to jump.  Every time I'm out in public I constantly sizing up the situation.  I know where I am and where anyone who might be a threat is.  During the day, when there are construction workers outside, I'll avoid going in via my side entrance to the apartment and instead walk all the way around to the front of the building so they won't see that they can access my apartment from that entrance.  You know, in case one happens to be a serial killer or something.  Every night I find myself double and triple checking the locks.  If something unexpected happens I react like it's an actual threat possibly even screaming in fear.  It's not natural.  Normal people don't do that.

She of course knew this from past sessions and brought it back up saying that because I was once "victimized" that I am looking for it just about anywhere.  I keep expecting it to happen again.  My watching crime shows is my way of trying to anticipate what might happen the next time as if it's preparing me for it.  If I know what's happen to others I'll have a better idea of what to expect when it happens to me.  At that this point, it feels like it's not an "if it happens," but more of a "when it happens."  She over simplified it with an analogy: when you buy a Ford Focus, you suddenly recognize all Ford Focuses that pass by when you wouldn't before.  At this thought, it was like something clicked.  That's totally why I watch those shows.  I want to know what else is out there.

Of course she brought up that though it may seem like it's making me feel safer that it could actually be perpetuating much of the jumpiness and paranoia.  At the end of the show, I feel better but it's the long term effects of it that could be hindering my healing.  As an experiment she's mentioned me eliminating the watching of these kinds of show for a certain amount of time and seeing how it affects me.  Like every request, she doesn't actually expect me to be doing that this week but I felt like taking it on. What she said made a lot of sense to me so I'm trying to see it's affect.  Right now though, it just feels like there's absolutely nothing else on television.  I still jumped at my phone so I can't say the effect is immediate at calming my general nervousness but... maybe it will get better.

I am excited to bring it up to her the next time I see her.  I want to recover as quickly as possible.  It's not fun living like this.  Even now, as I write this I'm thinking, "oh my god.  What if some crazy person on the internets reads this and decides to make some of the things I fear a reality?"  I am actually questioning whether or not I should post this because of that thought.  Seriously, I've got such issues.  Luckily I can at least say that I am getting help.