Had another productive day today and was able to check off a couple of things off my list. Tomorrow I'm hoping to get a bit more accomplished so that's good news. Something about being busy though makes me unwilling to write. I think part of it is because when I'm busy I become so focus on what I'm doing that I don't spend as much time thinking about the other random things that I end up writing about at some point. Now that I think about it really does make sense that all the crap that has come up over the past year happened. Sometimes I wondered why it had to come up at all but honestly I have the time to process it right now and did.
When I was in college constantly trying to get this or that done in between trying to hang out and have a normal social life and work at part time jobs, it would've been impossible. I never would've had the time to let any of it arise. After I saw that theater group that came in and they had the therapists waiting in the back of the room in case we found it too much and needed to talk, I felt something then. That was a huge wake up call to me actually. It was too much and I sobbed like a crazy person the entire way through it. Anyone who looked at me must have known that I had been through something. It was intense but I wasn't ready to talk about it. Instead I went back to the dorms and to my ex but he was never someone I could really talk to about anything more serious than what I did that day.
He wasn't a bad guy quite the opposite actually. As a boyfriend, he gave a girl a lot that she could want but he just wasn't the right match for me. I wasn't the right match for him either... possible even less of a match for him. I have always been a thinker; questioning and analyzing just about everything. He wasn't that way at all. Every time I tried to go beyond the surface or the face value of something, he always said, "You think too much." Sometimes I hate to admit that he wasn't entirely wrong, I do think too much but that's who I am. If I had wanted to discuss the play and my feelings and maybe think about my past, I didn't feel comfortable enough with him or think that he'd really understand. Between my being so busy and a boyfriend who was hard to communicate with, I couldn't deal with these things.
It wasn't until Dave and now. Dave never shied away from deep conversation and he loved the fact that I thought so much about things. I was never shy about admitting the abuse and the other crap but when it did come up it didn't scare Dave. He allowed me to think about in small pieces at first. Then once I went from full time to part time I suddenly had all this time on my hands. That and a pipe dream that I thought I wanted to pursue but really didn't. All of them just sort of came together and though it's been really tough I'm so glad it did. I'm not through it yet, hardly but I'm getting there.
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