More Gratitude

I'm still getting used to the idea that people know things before I actually talk about it with them.  That's both an upside and a downside to having this online journal.  Writing things down here makes it seem like I'm repeating them when I actually go to tell someone about it.  Not that anyone complains.  They are such good friends to read it here and then listen to me talk about it at length despite the fact that it's so similar.   I really appreciate that because it different to talk about it as opposed to write about it.  When I type it here, I write it for me.  Yes, I've given those closest to me the address to read along if they choose but I don't expect that of them.  However, I feel like I make a choice when I choose to discuss it with one of them and I love that they listen even if it's just to humor me.  

Speaking the words to a close friend means so much more to me than knowing that they've read it here.  I truly appreciate it if that same friend does read it first but it's different.  So yes, while driving Alli home tonight from getting her dress fitted I couldn't help be feel so grateful for her listening to me go on about things we both knew I had already written about.  Jamie listened to me on Sunday too.  I didn't say any words of thanks then but I thought it.  I'm just so lucky to have such good friends in my life.  Yesterday, when I was feeling grumpy and out of sorts, Katie helped me talk through it and I felt so much better about it.  My mother has given me both of her ears many times too.  And then there's Dave who hears some it before I write, then reads about, and then likes to talk to me about it after I've written it.  Not every post of course.  There are many times that I don't know how I'm feeling until I put it down in words but then he is always there if I feel like discussing it afterward.  How extremely lucky am I now?  

That's something so incredibly important to remember when I'm in the middle of something dreadful. It's so easy to get caught up in the past and dwell on the things that happened then and the loneliness and anger I felt at that time.   But that time is over and my life has turned a corner.  Things are good for me and I am very happy.  I understand that I can't try to ignore any negative feeling that may come up.  They will come up and they may linger for a while but I need to remind myself during those times that the feelings are temporary and residual from old events.  They aren't current feelings.  Again, I'm so grateful.  I get to deal with the feelings and come to terms with them in a such a safe and comforting environment.  

My past my not have been something that I would wish for anyone but my present (even with the  lingering pain) is so wonderful.  I'm so excited for the day that I move through all this.  Even if full integration doesn't come before I marry, I know it will come eventually.  Hell, it's not like I'm never late; it's seems fitting.