Tonight I'm feeling bummed, self-conscious, and anxious. Tomorrow Dave and I are going with Jamie and Ian to Six Flags. That should have me excited and enthusiastic but before any kind of summer activity for me there is the inevitable "grr. argh" moment. Today I sort of had a double whammy because I went to the bridal shop with my mother and tried on the sample of my dress again (I'd explain that more but it's not what I'm in the mood to talk about right now).
Everyone has their physical insecurities, I get that no matter what I'd be insecure about something. Still, this is something I've been dealing with for my entire life. I can't even begin to conceptualize how much money has been spent trying to lessen this particular flaw. No, it's not weight or anything weight related. Truth of the matter is I'm a hairy beast. I have lots of body hair; in fact I've never met another female who has even come close to the amount of hair that I have. It's long, thick, black, and everywhere: my face, my arms, my back, my stomach, my legs, my feet, and even my fingers and toes.
In elementary school, kids would howl at me as I walked by imitating a werewolf which was their insult of choice. Though by the time fourth grade came, I had grown a thick enough skin to not let the taunts and jokes to affect me outwardly but it's always been something that lies within. Normally it doesn't surface until I'm forced to face it. For example, at Six Flags there's a water park which mean a bathing suit. Anytime a bathing suit is involve there a minimum of forty-five minutes to an hour needs to spent preparing to wear it. What I would give to be able to jump at the opportunity whenever Dave (or anyone for that matter) says, "hey this is a great beach day... let's go. Or hey, what to take a dip in the pool?" For me, the first question that I always ask myself at that proposition is "when did I last shave?"
Most of the time, because continuous shaving is irritating to my skin causes all sorts of red itchy bumps and splotches I tend to avoid shaving unless I have to. Many summer days, you'll see me in jeans. I've grown into wearing t-shirts (for a long time I would wear long sleeves in the summer just to cover my arms). I hate having to be like, "oh some other time..." whenever someone asks but I'm not about to just strip down with hair all over the place. I'm sure most people would be grossed out the way they tend to be if they see a woman with any armpit hair. I get it and I agree: it's totally disgusting. I just can't help but wish it wasn't sometimes.
Looking in the mirror today while wearing the dress all I could see were the long black hairs on my arms. My mother asked if I wanted to wax them a few months ago and at first I was reluctant. I've never waxed my arms as I've always been too afraid of what they would look like as it was going back in. Initially, I was just going to bleach it like I used to do in school. Sure it caused a lot of questions regarding why the hair on my arms was blond and my hair black but the majority of the attention got diverted a bit. However, looking at it today I began to reconsider. Maybe I'll schedule an appointment to get my arms waxed and see how it turns out.
Anyone want to give me a couple thousand dollars for more laser surgery. I've already had a gazillion treatments along with electrolysis and I need all the help I can get.
No comments:
Post a Comment