For the past few weeks I've been having these dreams where I am back in school. They are really strange because I've been out of school for so long and I was really beginning to wonder where they were coming from. At first I thought they were under the "career" dreams that I've been having like the ones when I'm the teacher or the substitute teacher and things go awry. Now though, I'm not so sure. In these dreams I'm not the teacher but the student and they seem to be focused on the worst part of all my experiences as a student. In each of the dreams I'm super stressed out about getting a good grade. During some of the dreams I might be taking a test or trying to complete a project.
The ones that really freak me out though are the ones when I'm walking around completely and utterly confused. For example, sometimes I'm wandering through the halls knowing I'm supposed to be going to a class but I have absolutely no idea what classes I'm supposed to be taking. In all the dreams, it's the middle of the semester and I feel like I should know where I am going but I don't have a clue. There are similar dreams where I am on the way to a particular class but am too afraid to go in because I've skipped too many classes and I have absolutely no idea what I've missed or what is due. I'm afraid that when I go in the teacher is going to say that I've missed too much and have failed the class. Finally I have the dream where I'm packing up to go home from school and I'm at my locker trying to determine what I need for homework but again I forget what classes I'm taking or what's due for them.
The overwhelming feeling in all of them is this deep sense of foreboding. There's that anxious feeling that I used to get when I knew I was behind in my classes and how would I explain it to my parents when I got the D or F in my classes especially when I had nothing else was going on in my life. In these dreams, I don't have a job and the only thing that I have to focus on are my classes and yet I was going to fail them. How would I explain to others that I woke up one day in the middle of the semester and had no idea what was going on and was completely lost and confused? I signed up for these and I've been going to them for weeks and now I don't know which classes I'm taking of what I have to do for them, how is that possible? Luckily it is just a dream.
When I wake up in the morning I feel very disturbed by the details of the dream and despite the frequent reminders that I am no longer in school or that I'm not enrolled in a single class I can't shake the feeling of anxiety that dreams produce. Like I said before I've been trying to figure out the meaning of these dreams and how they relate to my waking life. I am a believer that when I have recurring dreams like these I'm trying to tell myself something. I feel like the repetition of such dreams is a way of saying, "Hey, something is totally bugging you that you're not paying attention to so how 'bout you figure out what it is and deal with it already?" While I was at work today, I had a few moments to think about it when it finally came to me. These dreams represent my feelings regarding planning my wedding. I bet a few of my friends are thinking to themselves, "I could have told you that, Denise" but sometimes these kinds of things take longer when it's your own issues.
The honest truth is that I do feel overwhelmed, behind, and somewhat lost when it comes to my wedding plans at the moment. I feel like there is so much to do and I'm afraid I;m not thinking of something. I know I'm behind but I'm unsure how to catch up or where to begin. Like the "how am I going to explain the D" anxiety I'm anxious that I'm not thinking about something critical and when the day arrives everyone is going to be like, "oh, how did you not know to do that?" On the surface I feel calm about it but deep down I know I'm totally stressed out and avoiding it the way I would when I had a major paper or test coming up. However, wedding planning is nothing like writing a paper. For one, I've written a gazillion papers and taken so many tests but I've never planned a wedding before. In fact, I've never really planned any kind of party before. This is totally new territory for me. With a paper, I also know that I will eventually I will sit down, put my nose to the grindstone, and bust it out. My wedding is not something that I am doing all by myself; there are multiple moving parts. There are many people involved in a wedding who aren't just going to jump when my eventual freak out is bound to happen.
I need to get on board this train now and start making things happen but again where do I begin? I promised myself on this blog that I would get the honeymoon registry up tonight so that's probably a good start but then what? I need to schedule a fitting appointment for my bridesmaids, I need to purchase linens for the tables, I need to contact our officiant, I need to plan our ceremony, choose the readings, contact our venue, decide on flowers, figure out hair/makeup, the list goes on and on and I don't have that much time. Add to all this and I'm worried I'm not going to have enough money at the end of all this. Clearly, I can see how every aspect of those dreams apply now.
If any of you have any words of assurance or ideas on what to tackle first, please e-mail me. I'd say call but this would be one of those things that I want to really remember and by the time I get off the phone I've forgotten too much of what was said and I don't want to waste your time.
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