Not so hopeless setback

Something about the people potentially coming freaked me out, I think.  My nightmares, which has somewhat subsided, came back in full force last night.  I kept dreaming that they were just walking into the apartment, not knowing that I was there, and catching me sleeping.  Worse, in my dream I knew I was sleeping and there was nothing I could do to wake myself up.  Sometimes I would "wake up" and throw on some stretch pants but then I would realized my dressing was still part of my dream and that they were still coming inside and I was still laying in bed.  No matter what I would do, I couldn't seem to wake myself up.  Finally, I would find myself gasping for air and actually come back to reality.  I'd fall back to sleep and it would happen all over again.  At a certain point, I couldn't tell when I was awake and when I was dreaming.  It was terrifying.

Needless to say, when I finally did wake up I felt like I had been through an emotional war.  I was crying and frustrated and terrified that they were going to come to the door.  I wanted to leave but I couldn't get a grip.  It was awful.  In the end, I called into work.  Luckily, my job is super understanding and supportive.  I spent today working on small projects and watched a movie.  Once 5pm came and I knew that they would not be showing up today, I felt such relief.   I threw on my headphones like I used to do when I was a teenager and later took a bath.  Dave was hanging out with friends and it was nice to have the apartment to myself for the evening.  At first, I had wished for him to be near me.  I always want him nearby when I'm emotionally fragile but as I started to regain my composure I found myself enjoying the time alone.

On the bright side, having a clean apartment is liberating.  I hate putting the work in and I try to pretend that the mess doesn't bother me but it totally does.  It's oppressive and makes me feel even more confused and unstable.  Now that there isn't junk everywhere I need to keep this way.  Is there more cleaning to do, yes but right now I want to maintain this.  It's amazing just how much it helped during my recent setback.  I felt out of balance, unstable, and totally fragile but I had hope.  I knew it was temporary.  I looked around the apartment and didn't feel like such a failure and feel so overwhelmed by the cluttered and emotional distance I still need to travel.   Today was rough and I really, really hope that the nightmares don't come back tonight.

Cleaning

So Dave and I officially got the notice that people may be coming in to look at our apartment tomorrow.  At the moment, he is being awesome and working on cleaning the living room.  I took a nap so that I wouldn't be grouchy but then I woke up and my nose apparently was full of allergens and I've been miserable since.  Still, I'm going to buck and at help him at least a little bit.  Maybe take care of the kitchen or something before laying down for the night.  My hope is that this will be a decent clean that we can try to maintain.  It's always so much hard when the mess just piles up then it becomes such an arduous process.

My clean from a couple of weeks ago helped I think.  I feel like our bathroom is a bit more decent and the kitchen isn't too bad.  It's just all the miscellaneous clutter that needs to be sorted through in the living room.  The bedroom we'll at least make presentable for those that are coming in but I would like to get that done to my ideals as well.  Oddly enough, my making this apartment something I can live is my most successful goal of this year thus far.  We allowed ourselves to get sidetracked but this visit seems to be a decent kick in the pants.  I kind of wish we had known yesterday as I might have pushed to get the bedroom and the hallway done.

Oh well, we're just picking up where we left off.  It will be what we want soon enough.  Time for me to get to work and actually contribute.

Introverted vs. Extroverted

Went to a baby shower today and it was a lot of fun.  There were so many wonderful woman in attendance and small, adorable children running around.  Mommy to be was beautiful and glowing despite feeling super hot in this unusually warm April day.  I didn't know very many people but I got to meet a wonderful lady from San Francisco who has traveled around the world and we just had a great conversation.  In addition, the party gift was perfect.  If I ever get pregnant, I totally want to do this for my bridal shower.  We each chose a letter and decorated it.  People were so creative and artistic not to mention that it was super fun.  

For those curious, I did the T.

The party made me think about how so many people think I'm very extroverted.  There are many times when I feel like I'm extroverted myself.  I'm relatively comfortable meeting new people and find that I can participate in conversations easily.  I'm genuinely interested in talking with others and enjoy learning about their experiences, likes, dislikes, etc.   Overall, I enjoy working with people.  I want to work with others and I sincerely want to help others in whatever way I can.  

On the other hand, getting me out of the house is not an easy task: even for friends I know well.  If given the choice, I also always chose to stay home or just be with Dave.  Even tonight, I chose to stay and have spent the time to myself.  I've sat on my computer pinning things from Disneybound on Pinterest.  Dave is on his computer in the other room doing his own thing and I am super content with that.  Even Dave, who normally comes across as far more introverted than myself, expresses how he is far more interested in hanging out with friends.  Once I'm with friends, I feel great and I have a wonderful time.  It's just getting me there.  

Really, I'm a just a contradiction.  I do wish I embodied more of that extroversion.  In my daydreams, I envision having a home where people come over regularly and I am completely and totally comfortable even if they stay for days.  I see myself throwing lots of fun parties and attending creative parties of others.  Every time I hang out with friends, I find myself thinking about future get-togethers and truly cultivating those relationships.  I want that but at the exact same time, it seems to go against my very nature.  I don't maintain a home that's welcoming to others.  I don't throw parties.  I don't actively try to get together with others preferring the quiet solitude.  

Looking back, I've always been like this.  So much so that my father gave an accurate prediction while I was in middle school that if I didn't hang out with my friends then they would no longer be my friends.  I don't think he ever realized the complex that gave me later in life.  His words echo'd in my ears as those very friends ran away from me in the school yard the following school year and refused to speak with me for months.  I would linger with them anyway despite how they refused to acknowledge my existence and vowed that I would never choose solitude.  I actually appreciated the winter days being so short knowing that on school nights that I wasn't allowed to hang out after dark.  It made the hours having to socialize shorter.  There were times that I dreaded weekends believing that if I didn't go hang out with people, I would lose the friends I had made. 

During college, I was terrified of my friends hanging out without me firmly believing that they would just one day question why they let me tag along and leave me behind.  This caused a lot of jealousy on my part which was I'm sure very obnoxious.  I can't tell you how many times I would go hang out with a group of friends just because the person I was closest to at the time was doing so and I feared that those hanging out with us would realize just how awesome that person was without me.  I knew how awesome they were and I never felt like I could hold my own.  Somewhere, in my twisted mind, I needed to be liked as much as them.  I was lucky.  I had found myself some really great friends who tolerated my strange friendship issues, even went out of their way to accommodate them at times.  Thinking about it know makes me cry because that alone should have shown me how much they cared.  

Finally, years later, I'm beginning to come to grips with this issue.  There are times that I hear about it and I hardly think twice about it--truly a miracle.  Other times, I feel the twitch and I find myself having to talk myself down.  The difference is that I can talk myself down now.  Well, many times anyway.  I'm someone unique and different.  I do bring something to a group that no one else can.  I shouldn't be so worried about being replaced.  I can't replace anyone.  Why do I think that someone can replace me?  So I supposed this recent solitude is a choice that I'm making.  Trying to reconnect with the part of me I so badly tried to deny, that I hated, and that I thought threatened my friendships.  Maybe once I've reconnected fully, I'll find myself wanting to get out more.  Maybe not but I need to begin accepting want I am and stop berating myself for not being who I want to be.  

It's really not easy.  Let me tell you. 

Living to Work and Working to Live

Walking out of work with one of the newer girls yesterday we had a very brief conversation.  Because we don’t work near each other in the office I don’t know much about her.  She’s young, perhaps just out of college.  This might be first real job since graduation.  Smiling, though only half joking, she said, “We’re living to work and working to live.”   I remember when the harsh reality slowly dissolved my illusions of what my life would be like after finishing school.  We are brought up (or at least I was) to believe that once we graduate college we can find a job that we love to do and earn a decent living.  

After working at a credit card processing company four four years (yes, it is four years in June) I have long since come to the realization that very few of us find the job of our dreams.   In addition, I've also learned the "working to live" mantra some time ago.  However, something about her saying it yesterday caused me to think about it a bit more.  Maybe it was the NPR show on poverty that Dave and I listened to going to get pizza yesterday as well.  Either way, the "living to work and working to live" bit is quite a catch 22.  In the end, it is the major reason for people wanting to be rich.  It isn't that they want more and more things though there's always something awesome to buy.  It isn't because we want to travel to exotic places in luxury.  Really, what we want is to not feel like we are living to work and working to live.  

We want the freedom that being rich provides.  We want to feel like going to work is something that we want to do, not something that we have to do.  Is it a pipe dream?  Unfortunately, for the majority of us, yes.  In today's economy it's become even harder to dream but I do not believe the dream to be dead.  No, we might not be able to "choose" to work.  We may always "have" to go to work but I still believe that we might be able to find a job that we might enjoy going to each morning.  It' not impossible; my husband is proof of that.  Maybe it means that we won't make the most money in the world but if it gives us some enjoyment and meaning, that's what I think matters.  Especially since working to live is going to be a necessity for most of us.  

Volunteering?

Those commercials with the suffering animals kill me every single time.  Most of the time I am able to turn it off or at least mute it and avert my eyes but every once in a while I don't even realize that it's on until it's too late.  Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly emotional I'll even break down in tears.  I truly do not understand how people can abandon and hurt innocent animals.  They are so sweet and are just looking for someone to care for them.  A part of me feels that it is more heinous to hurt an animal than a person.  An animal can't speak or manipulate or hurt but a person, even a victim can still hurt their tormentor.  

I've been thinking about where I would like to volunteer and I wouldn't mind working at a shelter of some sort.  However, I'm concerned about forming an attachment only to see the animal not get adopted and put down instead.   Of course, I'm not entirely sure what is required of someone who volunteers and I need to do much more research but this is one of my top three charities.   My top one is working with other victims of domestic violence and PTSD but that one scares me in a way and I don't know if I'm ready for it.  The second choice is with an animal shelter and my third choice is to do something that would help research for Alzheimer's Disease.  

It's a disease that scares me more than many others.  Really, any disease that can cause you to forget those you love, your memories, yourself is horrifying.  In the end, that's all we have, isn't it?  As they said in LOST, "Live together, Die alone."   Who are you if not a collection of your personal experiences? If you can't remember those experiences, influences, loved ones what do you have?  Not to mention how heart wrenching it would be for your family.  I honestly don't know what I'd do if my mother or father couldn't remember who I was or didn't recognize me.   I've been lucky to have never had to experience this but there are so many who do. 

So yeah, that post came out nowhere.  

This morning's story

These things only happen to me.  I woke up late this morning and was getting ready to go visit Katie for lunch when I received a knock on the door.  I wasn't fully dressed at the time so I didn't answer and hoped it was just someone dropping off a package and would leave.  Then I heard the keys and I knew that it was someone from the apartment complex.  During the day if they think you're not home they will just come in to do what they need to do.  Immediately I finished dressing and rushed to the door opening it just enough so as to not reveal my disheveled appearance.

Upon looking out, I noticed not one or two maintenance guys but approximately seven people four of whom were very well dressed.  For a moment no one spoke before Lisa, our complex manager, spoke up asking if I received the notice.  Still perplexed by the mass of people outside my door and knowing absolutely nothing about a notice I just stared blankly to which Lisa responded, "you didn't received the notice?"  At this point, I managed to say that I had not received anything.  She then told me that we should have received a notice regarding them coming to show our apartment to a couple of investors as they are trying to refinance.

All I could think about was, "they cannot base their investment decision on our wreck on an apartment.  Of course, I don't blame her for thinking we were good candidates for this.  She has repeatedly told her that we are some of her best tenants.  If she only knew the slobs we were she would never had selected us for this showcase to the well dressed investors.  Luckily she gave me an out asking if this was a bad time and I, gratefully told her yes it was.  She said that there was another apartment they could look at and they left.  

Now though I felt uncomfortable going to Katie's right away.  What if there other apartment didn't work out either and this time I wasn't home so they came in anyway?  How embarrassing for Dave and me.  I mentioned it to Dave who said that he received a call from the apartment complex but that the reception was bad and all he heard was "blah, blah, blah" to which he said "no thank you" and hung up.  At this point I was like, "Dave, that 'blah, blah, blah was actually, 'hey we're bringing potential investors into your apartment so that they can help us refinance."   It was distressing but rather funny.

I would have loved to help them out.  Had I known, I would have made the place at least somewhat presentable.  Still, I was super reluctant for them to come back.  Finally, I decided that I was not going to let it keep me from seeing Katie so I wrote a message on the white board in the kitchen saying, "If you came back to look at the apartment we are super sorry about the disaster zone you unwittingly walked into.  We did not get the notice and have would have made this place far more presentable if we had.  Please don't judge!  Sincerely, Denise and Dave." Luckily, it does not appear that they did come back.


So the lesson learned by today's story: if Dave gets a call and only hears "blah, blah, blah" he should have me attempt calling them back.  That, and if we weren't such slobs then this would not have been an issue at all.  It's too bad I didn't know as I would've made that the number one reason to get the place in order.

It's a post...

Holy cow I'm sleepy.  I didn't get a good night's sleep last night.  The downside to all this amazing weather is the allergies that seem to come with it.  Last night, I got to bed late because I just wasn't tired and could not fall asleep for the life of me.  When I finally fell asleep I got all of two hours before waking up with my allergies completely overtaking my head.  It was awful.  I didn't get back to sleep until 8am and I woke up just before I had to get to work.  It was just a bit off-putting so I feel out of sorts in a way.

Now that I've written that paragraph I'm not sure what exactly to say.   I am just sitting on the couch watching the Biggest Loser and there was quite the twist on this episode.  They've shorten the episodes though to one hour instead of two and I'll be honest I miss the second hour.  The adds they put in seem so much more obvious in the shorter episode.  Also, I miss the challenges.  Now they're telling us to go online to see it but I don't want to do that.  I want to watch in on the t.v. because I'm a creature of habit.

That's it.

Exercise and Books

We had another weigh in at work tonight.  Although I haven’t gained all the weight I lost back, I did gain a solid 2 pounds back which makes me kind of sad.  However, I’m not going to let it get me down.  As we know, making giant life changes are not something I’ve been all that successful at recently.  Instead, I’m going about making smaller reasonable goals that will be easier to make a habit.   At first I tried tackling my diet but I’ve never been good with food.  Even at my healthiest, I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.  What’s changed the most since my healthy weight is regular activity.

Even after college while working at The Body Shop I was on my feet walking around the store for hours at a time.  Now, I spend almost all of my day at a computer committing seven hours at work and whenever I’m not at work at my laptop.  When I’m not sitting, I’m sleeping.  I don’t think I’ve ever been this inactive in my life and it’s not good for me.   In the past, I spent my time in structured activities, walking around campus, or even my store.   Trying to incorporate activity since has been difficult, even structured exercise seems hard for me to stick with.  I’m not giving up though.  I still plan to incorporate small increments of time daily and slowly increase it.  Hopefully, that will work. 

On a totally unrelated note, I’ve decided that I do like the book that I just finished.  I found myself thinking about it last night before falling asleep contemplating the twist at the end.  At first, the ending almost didn’t make sense but as I thought about I was able to reconcile it within my own mind.  Of course, it’s just my interpretation.  The only one who truly knows is the author herself but I can’t really ask her and now that I’ve come to my own conclusions I don’t think I want to anymore.  Thinking about it more I can completely understand why some didn’t like it but for me, it makes sense.   I’m also not afraid to say it: I liked the book. 

Feeling better? Hopefully

Writing this post now so I can fold the laundry and go to bed.  Dave and I went on another walk today.  My gosh, I was so sore.  How quickly my muscles atrophy!  It feels good though to have the sore muscles again.  I always knew that exercise is something that I enjoy doing but I always thought I needed to tackle the things I like the least first.  However, Katie was right when she said that I should start with small exercise goals to get some actual successes under my belt.  So right now that's my focus.   I'm actually really happy with the past couple of days.  After last week, I was nervous that I would not recover from the setback but I feel good.

I also finished a book tonight which always makes me feel accomplished.  It's strange.  The ending had a huge twist and I haven't decided how I feel about it yet.  It prompted me to jump online and get other people's opinions.  However, doing that just reinforced the necessity of determining my own opinion before seeking out others.  A lot of people hated the novel but I'll be honest: I didn't think it was terrible. I liked it (at least until the very end- I'm still unsure about that) but then I like books and stories that start at the end and end at the beginning.  And I enjoy books where the authors use "flowery" language.  I like it when authors pay attention to how they put words together.

What makes a novel great?  It's entirely subjective.  What one person loves another person might despise and that's okay.  Why is that so difficult for me to comprehend or accept?  Sometimes the book may not be a literary masterpiece (again, what's the criteria for that?) but I read it at just the right time.  There was something about this book that makes me want to put my past behind me.  It's one of those things that I wish I could discuss it with someone and at the same time, I just want to keep it to myself.

I'm full of contradictions lately.

Cambridge

Good day today!!  I got outside during the absolutely gorgeous evening by going to Cambridge with Dave.  We went to Harvard Square and walked two miles to the Friendly Toast for dinner and then walked back getting some delicious ice cream at JP Licks.  It was a wonderful to spend the night together.  The long walk was unusual for us being so sedentary recently but both of us agree that it behoove us to begin walking more regularly.  We spend a good amount of time talking to each other most days so we might as well walk during it.  Of course, we couldn't help talking about what it would be like to live there.  

It was a great night with my amazing husband and I'm really glad we ventured there.  

::shrugs::

I made it to and through work tonight without a panic attack.  Bonus points for me.  Actually I was feeling a bit better today which of course, led to the inevitable breakdown where I cried for a solid half hour before finding comfort in a couple of games of solitaire.  Oddly enough, it was the first time I've cried all week so it gave me much needed catharsis.

My tears today indicated that I'm just feeling overwhelmed.  I feel stuck where I am and find what is needed to move out of this place completely beyond me.  I begin to think about it and I shut down.  Last week, I came to the realization that I'm not as far along in my trauma recovery as I initially thought I was and that I still have a whole lot more to go.  Not to mention everything that would not necessarily be considered "traumatic" but still very detrimental to my emotional and psychological stability that still needs to be address.

Such a large part of me just doesn't want to go into any of it which is why sleep always wins when I look at my options.  Perhaps deep down, I hope that my subconscious will deep with it for me by way of the multiple nightmares and dreams that I've been having.  I don't know.  I need out of this rut but I'm too halted by the tasks necessary to get out of it.  That and I don't even know where to begin.

Truthfully though.  I need to figure it it out because I can't continue to exist like this.

Prayer

It's 3am and I'm awake.  I went to bed again at 9 with the hope that I could pull off the same thing that I did last night where I slept for twelve hours and woke at 9:30 am.  12 hours seems like a lot but it also appears to be my new normal- at least for now.  Unfortunately, I woke up around 2am and haven't been able to fall back asleep so I decided to get out of bed for a bit.

Before falling asleep earlier night, I prayed for the first time in a really, really long time.  I've tried it many times in the recent past to no avail but it felt different this time.  I actually did feel a bit calmer.  I'm not sure if it will go anywhere but it wasn't a distressing situation this time.  A part of me feels slightly inclined to try church.  Again, I'm not sure but it may be something to look into for the future.

inching along

I made it to work today which is a positive.  Unfortunately I also had to leave early which is a total negative.  It sucks.   Later on tonight, I sent my manager and my team lead an email apologizing but I haven't heard anything which totally worries me.  I hate that what I'm going through right now is also affecting my work.  It drives me mad actually; not to mention is incredibly embarrassing.  My manager isn't in tomorrow but hopefully I can speak with her on Monday.  My goal is to make it through the whole day tomorrow without panicking.  I will take my tranquilizer if I must and just hope it doesn't put me to sleep.

On the plus side, quite a few friends and family reached out to me.  Katie and I had a wonderful conversation.  I'm so lucky that I have such incredible friends.   That's where I'm going to leave it tonight because I'm trying really hard not to berate myself.  I have some great people in my life... it will be good to leave it at that.

Blank and Numb

My head aches.  Really, what the hell?  Again, despite waking up late, I'm exhausted and absolutely dreading working tomorrow.  I'm having super high anxiety for no reason at all.  Dave and I tried going to Jordan's for some ice cream but I was super anxious and afraid for no reason at all.  I just felt myself close up and shut down.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  I'm desperately hoping that this is just a slump because I feel like I've taken a huge step backward in my progress.   Seriously, I just want to go back to bed and sleep forever but nothing has happened.  Nothing changed.  So what am I doing back in the space.  At first I thought I was just being lazy, then I realized that I was feeling under the weather, but now I feel physically better but mentally.   My mind is just blank and too numb.  I need to get over this.

Cough Cough Blegh

I think I caught the office bug that's been going around.  The coughing and the losing of my voice and whatnot.  Like always, it comes with an overwhelming feeling of exhausted.  I will be scheduling myself a physical tomorrow.  Yes, the tiredness effecting me at the moment probably has something to do with my fighting this sickness but I'm always tired.   I feel like I'm struggling to wake up everyday and that's not normal.  Not for a 27 year old anyway.  I doubt that there is anything actually wrong with me but I'm overdue for my physical and maybe they can tell me something I don't know.  They are doctors afterall.

So with that, I'm doing to bed early despite sleeping again all day.  Thank goodness I have tomorrow off.   Maybe I'll really be able to get ahead of this and be fully alive again soon.

Trying to make the most of it

I had a rough day today.  Really rough.  My parents always said that if I have a good day one day, the next day I'm a miserable, disgruntled mess.   That must of been what happen with today.   I woke up feeling like absolute crap.  I couldn't get out of bed and I was all out of sorts.  Dave actually ended up calling out of work for me and I went back to bed not waking up again until 7pm.  Seriously?

I did make sure to get three meals in today.  Literally forcing myself to eat the peanut butter sandwich Dave made for me.  That's my new goal for the next two weeks: to eat three meals per day.  I'm notorious for skipping meals and spending a half a day not having eaten anything.   When I tried "getting healthy"  I went from eating irregular crap to trying to eat 6 small healthy meals per day.  It's really no wonder that I felt apart after a couple of weeks.  So I'm going to go back to basics and begin with healthy habits.  I'm not going to worry about weight loss anymore.

So for the next two weeks, I'm dedicating myself to just eating 3 meals a day.  There are no other rules.  Just need to eat.  I need to get my body used to getting food regularly.  I want to feel hungry when I'm supposed to and the satiate that hunger.  Once I can eat 3 meals per day for 2 consecutive weeks then I'll  start implementing modifications.  In all honesty, I'm expecting this to go on for at least a month but maybe I'll surprise myself.

Easter Sunday

I'm always surprised by how quickly time flies when caught up in a decent work of fiction.  It's so unlike the distinct short stories portrayed on television.  Hopefully you all enjoyed your Easter Sunday.  Earlier, I had written a post that was both nostalgic and caustic in reference to this holiday.  However, now that the day is over I think it best to discuss how my holiday was celebrated rather than reflect on what it no longer is to me.

Actually, I almost forgot about the holiday entirely.  Today was a regular work day and there was hardly any mention of it leading up to today.  Luckily though, my parents both remembered and invited Dave and me over for dinner.  My parents are awesome.  Despite my being just three short years shy of thirty and my sister having turned a quarter of a century this year, they still hid eggs all over the house for us to find.  The four of us: Dave, Laura, Ben, and I methodically went into each room and then scrambled about looking for where my father hid the eggs.

Like last year, my parents filled the eggs with coins and candy.  I'm enjoying a mini Reese's peanut butter cup as I write this.  In addition, they included little felt bunnies that featured a number within each egg.  Once all of the eggs were collected and opened, they brought out the collection of prizes and we used the numbers from the eggs to determine the order in which we could select the prizes.  Honestly, this is my favorite part of the game.  Last year, I made out with a toothbrush that I absolutely adored.  I haven't gone through the prizes this year but I landed a hoola hoop, a set of toy guns, a small 100 piece Disney princess puzzle, band aids, toothbrushes, dental floss, Milano cookies and a whole assortment of fun goodies.  Like I said, my parents totally rule.

When I left, I couldn't help but feel slightly bad.  I'm at the age where Dave and I should be throwing these kinds of get-togethers.  We should be the ones cookies for them and yet they still provide us with holiday celebrations like they did when we were kids.  Just as I was about to leave, I noticed the pile of dishes in sink and felt awful that I hadn't even offered to clean up.  We came empty handed and it seems rather immature.  They were quick to brush these comments aside when I spoke up but I still...  Funny, as part of my homework assignment for therapy I am supposed to collect some of the instances where I'm being hard on myself.   I guess I can add this paragraph to the list.

Although Easter may no longer have the religious significance it once had, I am so incredibly thankful for my family.  They provide a secular tradition that brings us all together gathered around the table laughing, fighting, and being a family.  It was truly a wonderful way to enjoy the holiday.  Thanks mom and dad.

Busy day off

My word: we really let our apartment get beyond messy.  I spent all day cleaning and the apartment would still be consider very unkempt by any stranger.  Of course, it didn't get like this overnight.  We spent many, many lazy days not doing anything: not doing the dishes, not doing the laundry, not throwing our trash away.  Pathetic, really.   I kept thinking I wanted to do the dishes or do a load of laundry but then I'd get home from work and feel too tired or I'd wake up late and didn't want to spend the hour before work cleaning.   Because we allowed it to get beyond a "manageable" amount, a simple wipe down of the counters or rinsing of a few dishes or one load of laundry wasn't going to cut it.

I was supposed to hang out with Lauren and Jamie today but with Easter being tomorrow and Dave at PAX we agreed to meet next weekend instead.   A huge part of "needing a day for me" was to finally tackle the growing mess that was slowly making me insane.  So today, I got through all the dishes, did 6 loads of laundry, cleaned most of the cluttered trash that accumulated, and did a somewhat thorough cleaning of the bathroom.

In addition, I went to get dinner at my favorite crepe place and tried on some pants at New York and Company.  I've been having a difficult time fitting into my pants.  In fact, only one pair fits comfortably and I kept thinking, "oh I'll lose the weight and they'll fit."  Yeah, yeah I know: it's what everyone says after they've put on a few pounds and their clothing no longer fits.  Sure, I lost the five pounds but I've practically put it all back on since that panic attack.  Really, the panic attack is just an excuse.  Truthfully, the I tried to do too much too quickly.  You can't try to change every aspect of your life all at once.

So, I've ordered pants that will fit and I will try and lose the weight again but this time in a far more slow and organized fashion starting with eating more.  Yeah, seems backwards but I don't eat and when I do I eat everything.  My first change will be eating three times a day.  It can be anything (even fast food) but I need to do it at least three times a day.  I need to get in the habit of eating on a regular basis.  Then, hopefully, I'll be able to reduce portions or create substitutions.  Maybe then, I'll be able to start shedding the pounds.

Lifting of spirits

Getting home tonight I was feeling super depressed.  Dave and I went out to dinner at UNOS after I got out of work and they messed up our order.  However, the manager came out and gave us the preferential treatment.  He gave me an extra salad and catered to our every need totally making up for it.  In addition, they basically gave us our entire meal for free.  Our bill only came to $2.96.  What?  Of course, after they bent over backward I couldn't pay only that.  So we left a twenty and left quickly before they could try and give it back.

When we came back home, I took a bath and just felt completely bloated and fat.  My mood plummeted and I couldn't break it.  Then Dave called me into the room.  He borrowed his best friend's camera and our entire wedding ceremony was on it.  Feis's sister or his fiance videoed all of it.  Watching it again with Dave completely lifted my spirit.  It was really such a amazing day.  What Dave and I both seemed to love the most was spending the day with all of our closest friends and family.  Really, there is no other time in life when everyone comes together just for you.

Watching that video, I was overwhelmed with gratitude.  I am so grateful that everyone came out for us.  Our bridal party was just incredible.  We are so incredibly lucky- to have each other, to have such a great group of friends, and such a wonderful family.  I love them all so much.  Thank you Heather or Becky for the unexpected wedding gift six months in.

Therapy

I am exhausted and once this is over I am going straight to bed.  It's days like these when I wish I hadn't made this decision to write everyday but it was and still is a very good idea.  Once I'm in bed and I've written, I'll feel so much better.

Went to therapy and decided it was time to bring my focus back to the things that I was beginning to approach before my most recent panic attack.  I decided it was time to begin dealing with my negative self-talk.  Katie, Alli, my parents, Dave, and others have expressed that I'm too hard on myself.  Recently on Pinterest, I repinned the quote, "If a friend spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, how long would you be friends?"  That quote resonated with me and while I was talking to my person, I came to the conclusion that my being hard on myself is a defense mechanism.  I anticipate what others my say, I assume their criticisms and criticize myself before they even have a chance.  If I'm criticizing myself, then others will feel like I've already covered it.

Being highly critical of myself works for me as a way to defend myself from potential criticisms.  It's my way of deflecting.  Dave reminded me that I do not handle criticism well and I never have.  I get super defensive and get angry or I take it as total fact and become super depressed.  So much of it is a self confidence issue.  Without self-confidence, you can be very easily swayed by what others say you.

She gave me a homework assignment that actually involves a book I bought for myself a long time ago.  She asked if I every read it and I told her I could never get past Chapters 1 and 2 which focus on eating better and staying healthy.  The book recommends that I do this for 2 weeks before continuing on and since I could never finish two weeks of self-care.  My therapist suggested modifying it into something that's more than a pass/fail task but rather something that I am actively working toward.  Also, she suggested that I begin with Chapter 3 and work through Chapter 5.  

I have my assignment and it's reasonable.  I can do this and maybe (hopefully) I'll be a bit more forgiving of myself and my flaws.

Hunger Games

Dave and I had a date night and went to see the Hunger Games tonight.  I completely agree with everyone else and say that it was a great adaptation of the book.  One of the best aspects of the books are that they read like a movie and when that happens I sometimes wonder if the movie will oversimplify it or leave out vital aspects.  However, they did a wonderful job with it and I agree with Katie who stated that they did a fantastic job casting.   More than anything, I think they made a great choice with the ending by toning it down a bit.  The end of the book was super intense, more intense than it needed to be for the movie to have a similar effect, especially for a PG-13 audience.  The movie made me remember just how much liked it (I had mixed feelings after reading the second-half of the last book).  I really love it when the movie adaptation does the story justice.

Somehow this led Dave and I to discussing children.  Yeah, a movie about kids killing kids got us talking about having children of our own.  Yes, we're a strange couple.  Really, it got us discussing how it important it is for reading books to be a huge part of our lives with our children.  When I'm pregnant I want to read aloud to the baby in my belly.  I want Dave to read to us.  As they grow up we want to have designated book time when we spend an allotted amount of time reading: all of us.  The time increments will of course increase as they get older.  On long trips, it's important to us to listen to books on tape.  Also, reading a story before bed is not something I particularly agree with.  Reading is meant to stimulate, to get us thinking, imagining, and talking.  When my kids read, I want them engaged.  I want us to have discussions.  I want my children to read and then reenact the stories the way that kids make pretend after seeing a movie or watching a television show.  Luckily Dave is in complete agreement which made this a delightful conversation.

Of course, this expanded to other areas where we both realized that we are so not ready for us to raise children.  There are so many things we want to do.  There are so many routines we want to create.  Honestly, I need to figure out how to take care of myself first.  In the end, it makes me super excited for Katie and Jared's little one.  Adam and Ashley are also going to have a new baby in June.  So many babies!  Eeep!

Making a big deal out of something minor

I don't know what to write about tonight.  I'm reading "You Majored in What?" and I haven't been able to get through the first chapter because I'm too busy trying to create my "wandering map."  Problem 1: I don't have a big enough piece of paper.  Problem 2: Once you write it down, you can't move it around to assist in making the "connections" which is major part of the assignment.  So I did what I always do and I brought Dave into my task.  After trying to work it out himself, he made a suggestion that it would be easier if each of the words and experiences were on magnet and we could move them around.  So the initially simplistic map is become a super awesome project for the two of us.  We plan on using magnetic chalkboard spray paint and creating a large "board" on the walls on either side of our bed to create our maps.  I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about this.  I'll share my findings eventually. 

And to finish it like the serial killer "thirteen" on the show Dark Minds, "that's it." 

Superstars

My coworker's nephew was the body double for Ryan Reynolds!  What!?  Hearing that today totally made my day.  My coworker didn't even know who Ryan Reynolds was but me an another one of my colleagues I think made him realize that being a body double for him is actually a pretty big deal.  Seriously, it totally my shift and my whole night.  Ryan Reynolds is my get out of relationship free guy as he is super, phenomenally hot.  A gorgeous man really.   Dave asked if I was going to go for my coworkers nephew to which I answered, "absolutely no."  Ryan Reynolds has a mouth watering body, sure but it's his face that makes him the whole package.  His face is both strongly masculine and yet has this quirkiness to it that is just so endearing.   So yeah,  it feels totally awesome to be only 3 degrees of separation from him.  

In other news, I'm super proud of my best friend who totally went for a timed, monologue only audition.  For someone who hates auditioning with monologues, this is huge!  Plus, she got super lost beforehand and did not call to cancel and drive home.  Despite, making the anxiety much stronger she made it and completed the audition in the allotted time necessary.  This is such huge step for her who struggles with feeling like she is good enough to go for what she wants in life.  Even if nothing else comes of this audition, she made some great progress and got some wonderful experience.  The best part: she knows this too.  Way to go, sweetie!

Eye Makeup

After work today I decided I didn't want to go right home.  Last night after finishing my board on Pinterest, or in an attempt to add make up or something else, I began looking at Sephora and Lancome.   I loved some of the eye shadows that Lancome had to offer and I contemplated trying one of them after work.  I figured I'd see how tired I was when I left work and decide to go then.  Oddly enough, I found that I wasn't all that tired so I made my way over to Sephora to play with the makeup.  As usual, I remembered just how much I despise the Burlington mall and it was insane.

As I was looking at one of the eye shadow palettes, one of the makeup artists came over and asked if I needed help. I enjoy getting my make up done and was definitely interested in learning how to utilize the five different colors on my eyes so I asked her a couple of questions.  Instead of working with one of the palettes I was looking at, she went over to a totally different counter and I found myself agreeing to wearing those colors instead.  Seriously, I knew I should have spoken up but I just stayed silent.  When she was done, I wasn't all that thrilled.  Despite the colors being more subtle, the look itself was not.  The mascara on my eyes was insane and I just felt very uncomfortable.  

I continued to peruse the mall for another ten minutes or so before deciding I needed to go home and take it all off.  For me, less is definitely more.  Although, I can pull it off and makeup artists love to experiment with strangest colors, I end up not feeling all that comfortable with it.  Perhaps, I just wasn't in the mood for something so intense today and was looking for something that I would actually wear regularly.  Either way, I came home and it took me almost a half hour to wipe out the ridiculous amounts of makeup off my eyes with eye makeup remover.  If it takes longer to remove it than it does to put it on, no thank you.  Sadly, my right eye feels all irritated.   Lesson of the story, trust the person who you allow to put on your makeup.  If they don't listen to you or disregard what you're looking at initially, there is a very good chance they are not going to give you what you are looking for later.

Household items

Well, I spent most of the day pinning products onto my new Households pin board.  Again, I apologize to all of those who went in and saw a ton of ridiculous, unappealing products.  Why did I create such an obnoxious board?  Well, after making the decision to order our products online, I found the website giving us the most points and found myself adding everything to my checkout.  Quickly, it became quite evident that we do not need all of those products right now or even in the near future.  We already have some of them or alternatives nor can we afford to buy then all right now.  Realizing that every time I went to the website, I would find myself mindlessly wasting time perusing every item in each category.

I'm a horrible shopper.   Really, I'm a phenomenal browser but when it comes to buying things, I am quite terrible.  This is exactly what I love about Pinterest.  I get the similar sensation to buying things without actually spending any money.  There have been tons of studies that discuss the psychological aspects to shopping.  It's not based on what we need but entirely on either what we think we need or what we want.  Clearly while I was looking at this particular site, I do what I always do when I'm at a store and I see products saying to myself, "oh we need this" or "sure, we don't need this now but it might be nice to have on hand" or "how much more of this do we need"  and finally, "oh, I should get that.  I know I have something like that I don't actually use but this looks like something I'll use instead."   Really, it's absurd.  In the end, I tend to either buy a bunch of things that aren't necessary or walk out without getting the actual necessities.

So, that ridiculous pin board is currently serving as a primarily round where I can go "shopping" and then go shopping again.  Now that I've eliminated the thousands of different items down to about 100, I can go through my cabinets and determine "what do we actually need?"  Like toilet paper, we need toilet paper.  In addition, I've already chosen a brand so I won't be siting there trying to determine which brand of toilet paper is best or the cheapest or the most environmentally friendly.  Also, I can have Dave run through it to make sure I've got the particular brands that he likes (he can be particular about the most bizarre things).  Finally, after the initial order, rather than peruse the whole website I can now go back to the pin board and "shop" from there again as I've already spent many hours narrowing it all down.

Yes, the whole process is insane and counterproductive but this is why I do not prize myself as a "shopper."  I hate shopping and at the same time love browsing.  On the other hand, at least I'm not blowing all of our salary spending hours and money on the shopping that I'm doing.  So as backward as the madness may be, I do have a method.  Wow, I did I just spend an entire post writing about why I created an arbitrary board on Pinterest?  Yes, yes I did.  Le sigh.

Love and Obscure Pinboard

I'm writing tonight because I have to and I've put it off long enough.  Dave just asked me, "What time is it?" To which I responded, "time to take my medicine?"  So he asked again, "what time is it?" And I begrudgingly answered "time to write..."  He won't let me slip up on this and that's totally awesome.  He knows just how disappointed I'd be if I skipped a day.  Really, he is just great.  I'm so head over heels, I know but I don't care.  Our relationship is healthy and I'm totally safe within it.  It took me marrying the man to let my guard down.  I guess it's better than never letting my guard down.

To help accumulate more points on our credit card, it's best for us to shop online.  Yeah, totally abrupt topic change, sorry.  Anyway, we have made the decision to get our non food products through the online world.   As a result, I've created a new pin board pinning all the different types of products that we may ever want to get.  I'm so sorry if you hate it and please don't follow it if you wish.  If I could make a private board, I would.  I really, really hope that they come out with that feature.  Sure, there are things that you would absolutely love sharing with the world but there are other things that the world is just not interested in like which products I would by to clean my house or whatnot.  Ah well, I look forward to that day.

Back to it then...

Lazy

I'm very tired tonight.   I woke up just in time to go to work which was at noon so I don't really know why exactly.  Of course, it could be the time of month.  Dave actually expressed concern about it but I think it's just the unfortunate side effect of doing it naturally without birth control.   Work actually seemed to move quickly today which is always a great thing as I feel like I've been counting down the minutes each day recently.  I suppose I'm just in a downward slump at work right now.  Like everything else, there are times when I'm extremely satisfied and then there are others when I am just working for the paycheck.  I think the new shift makes it harder to socialize.  It's still too busy and it wasn't until the last hour or so that we would begin to chat.  There's that and I really haven't been in the mood to do much of that either.   Like I said, I go to work, I do I what I have to, I come home and I look forward to the paycheck.  

No, it's not ideal but I've been too lazy to look for anything else right now.  

Unexpected Day Off

Dave got to work from home today.   It was amazing!  I mean, he spent all day working and I spent a good portion of it sleeping as I was trying to make the cramps go away but it was so comforting just having him nearby.  I love him being here.  Sadly, he has go back tomorrow but we'll both be working Friday night so we'll have Friday morning together too.   Because I wasn't feeling my best today and Dave was home I also stayed home from work so I will going into the office tomorrow instead.  It actually works out for them too as they are short staffed on Thursdays.  

We were going to go parents tomorrow but with Dave home my parents were willing to change that and meet tonight.  We've officially booked our flights to Disney World and have decided to stay at the Coronado Springs Resort.   I couldn't be more excited about it.  Really, I'm so looking forward to going with them.   I was in the fifth grade the last time I went to Disney with my parents.  How different this trip will be as a married adult on her ninth trip.  Also, although I'm super excited for summer, I can't wait to experience Christmas there again.  It was truly magical.

While we were there, we looked through photographs from my childhood and my parents teenage years. I always love looking back at old pictures.  My mom is trying to clean up and sort through the many things that accumulated over the many, many years living in our house.  She found this adorable picture of skating pandas that Darcy drew for me way back when.  I think I might frame it because it's so cute and she was such a great artist.  We also received a Tenchi c.d. and on the way home Dave and I listened to it.  I was super surprised that it still played after all scratches but the j-pop music made me think of Alli.  It made me remember the days as roommates and she the music that would play in the background.  I miss Alli.  I miss not living closer and not being able to see her as frequently as I'd like.

It was a good day off.

Feeling better

Okay, so I totally lost my crap last night.  I really just wanted to break things but I didn't I just raged here on my little journal, yelled and stomped around for a few minutes, then finally sobbed for a few more.  What made everything even worse was the Dave had just as bad of a day/evening.   We went to bed super early both exhausted emotionally.  It was quite an evening and I can't even begin to tell you how glad we both are that it's over.

I haven't had a day like yesterday in a really long time.  From the moment I woke up, throughout the entire seven hours of work, and then coming home I was just so angry and upset and just not having anything.  I think a large part of that was the nightmare.  Honestly, it was the worst one yet.  I only existed in Dave's mind.  I was just a figment of Dave's imagination and as he forgot about me, I felt myself slowly disappearing from the world.  I kept jumping around and trying to get his attention back but he wouldn't see me.  I wasn't real and he was moving on with his life.   Just before I completely disappeared, I woke up.  It was awful.

Luckily my dreams of last night were nowhere near that bad and I woke up feeling like a new person.  Thank you to those of you who contacted me.  I'm sorry if I made any of you worry unnecessarily.  You guys are the best.

Done

I'm fucking done.
I've had it.
I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm done with the nightmares
I'm done with the constant sleep but no rest
I'm done with feeling tired
I'm done with feeling sick
I'm done with days
I'm done with nights
I'm done with sleeping.
I'm done.

I've had it with my goals
I've had it with our debt
I've had it with my feelings
I've had it with my frustration
I've had it with my anger
I've had it with disappointment
I've had it.

I'm sick of work
I'm sick of the time clock
I'm sick of the idiots
I'm sick of the self-righteous assholes.
I'm sick of counting down the minutes
I'm sick of the apartment being disgusting
I'm sick of the pile of dishes
I'm sick of the piles of laundry
I'm sick of the dirt
I'm sick of the dust
I'm sick of the bugs
I'm sick.

I don't want to deal anymore
I don't want to sit here
I don't want to leave
I don't want to keep waiting for whatever the fuck this is that I'm dealing with to make me stronger.
I don't want to...
I'm sick.
I've had it
I'm done.

Family

Dave and I both went to bed around 7pm.  It's now just past 11 and I'm awake but Dave decided to to stay sleeping which I think is better as it was a long, stressful week and weekend for him.  My only hope is that he can continue to get a restful night's sleep.  I can hear him in there rustling about and I can't help but feel a bit badly for him.  He works so hard and never complains... not even a little bit.   I know he's my husband and I am totally biased but I admired him so much.   I look up to him and at the same time he is 100% my equal, my partner.   Of course there are things that I admire about all the people close to me but he just is my world and I wouldn't want it any other way.  This is what love is, I guess.

In other news, my parents have officially bought their plane tickets to DisneyWorld!  I'm so excited to get to go with them.  They haven't been on a vacation like this and I couldn't be happier for them.  The last year was very difficult for them and they had to make sacrifices that I don't think either of them ever anticipated after working as hard as they have for decades.  I can't even begin to express how much I'm looking forward to sharing that experience with them.  I'll admit that I wish my sister and Ben could join us too but with a new home and an upcoming wedding, they have more than enough of their plate.  Now Dave and I just have to get our own tickets!  Super pumped!

Living close by

Got to hang out with Jamie today.  Growing up stinks as you can never see your friends as much as you'd like.  We talked about how cool it would be to gather all of our friends and live in a condo community like her mom's.   That would be so cool to be so close to friends.  Right next door or down the street.  It would certainly make for some pretty rocking block parties.  Sometimes I think about the apartment complex we live in and how so many of our neighbors know each other.  Many of them are Indian and they all hang out together.  Their kids play together.  At times I want to join them.  I doubt they'd mind but they normally speaking in Indian which I can't even begin to figure out.  

What would it be like to live among family and friends without actually living together.  Just staying nearby.  We can each return to our individual homes with our small families but together, we'd be one big family.  I suppose there would be some negatives.  Sometimes it's not always obvious when one is not welcome or it can make it more difficult saying that you just want to spend some time with your family without someone taking offense.  The possibility of drama is also very likely when close friends live almost as close.   Like college only different since it would involve more than just ourselves but husbands, wives, children, parents, or siblings.  Still, I think it would be nice especially once we figured out each other's personal boundaries.  

Getaway

Writing everyday makes it difficult to write anything that is well thought out.  Okay, that's not true but there are so many other things that I want to do.  I want to just sit and watch my television show and mindlessly surf the web.  I've been feeling the stir of wanderlust.  Although there is nothing overly stressful happening in my life I just want to runaway with my husband to some tropical getaway.  We actually saw an incredible deal on Groupon but then tried to find flights and the price of the flights were absurd completely destroying that idea.  At first I was bummed because the hotel deal was more than we would have expected but those flights.  Not cool.

 Instead, I suggested that we enjoy a "staycation."  Even with the trip to DisneyWorld, we will have the time available for a couple of days off.  My suggested is that we take 4 days off and instead of going away, we just stay home and travel locally or just be together.  So I've started looking at different local areas we might be able to visit.  Right now we haven't thought much about it or gone into any detail but hopefully soon we'll just be able to wake up together and go to bed together for more than one night and day.

Oh what a beautiful day!

Don't want to write today.  Oddly enough I had a post planned documenting the days evens but the idea of moving my pictures from my phone to the computer and putting them in this post seems like too much effort and I don't want to deal.  Yes, I know that there is very little effort involved but I still don't want to do it.  I'm so glad that I had the day off today--what a fabulous day to have off.  I know we've been totally blessed by the beyond amazing weather during the month of March but it's supposed to go away and I don't want it to! It's been perfect and I want it to stay.  I did make as much of it as I could today and spent a good portion of it outside and getting the most of the warmth and sunshine as possible.

I wish I could have tomorrow off as well but I'll get Saturday too.   Plus I need the money for some of the things Dave and I were discussing today.  Hope you had a lovely a day as me!

Work

Today turned out not to be so bad at work.  For approximately an hour, I had the CEO, my manager, and one of our IT guys surrounded my computer tying to figure out something that happened yesterday.  Really, that sounds worse than it actually was.  I've not had the chance to work with the CEO at all and he is a really good guy who does seem to know a lot about running a business and tracking down issues.   It could have been worse but really, I just found myself super antsy.  I couldn't sit still and the time just crawl.  When 7pm rolled around, I was out of their so fast.

My appointment went well today too though it was different than usual.  On my ride over, all I could think about was whether she ever got tired of listening to people complain all day.  I love that she's not one of those therapists who turns that question back on you with a "Why do think this question is important?"  She just answered honestly saying "yes" but that she felt like she was in a zone.  It's not like listening to friends; she gets paid to do this.  She also said that I would probably make a decent therapist myself as this isn't the first time I've been interested in her.   I actually do think I would do alright in that profession but it's the money for extra schooling.

Right now I'm just looking around.  All I can say is that I'm so happy to have the day off tomorrow.

Losing weight, setting goals

So on the Biggest Loser this week, the excuse is "I can't lose weight on vacation."  Really, I gorge myself on vacation but I always come home lighter than I did when I left.  I never intend to lose weight I always do.  Why? Well the answer is obvious at least with the way I vacation.  When I am at home I sit around all day.  I go to work and sit at a computer for 7-8 hours a day, then I get in my car and drive home and sit in front of the television and my own personal computer for the next couple of hours before lying in bed to sleep for another 7-8 hours.  Yeah, it's a long time on my butt.  Not when I'm on vacation though.  On vacation I'm constantly going.  I sleep and sit down for less than half a day.  The rest of it is spent walking and exploring.  Sure I eat a lot and often (which is probably better than I do at home which is very little and infrequent) but I'm constantly on the move.   That was a really long way of me saying that if my life were an ongoing vacation, I'd be healthier than ever.

Speaking of losing weight, I weight in today at work at 158.6 pounds.  I lost 4.8 pounds since last month!  That was with my slacking the past two weeks.  When I woke up today, it started out like my recent days.  It was much later than I wanted but I literally had a shower of ideas while taking my shower regarding the blog I never get around to writing.  In addition, when I was getting ready for work I decided that although I totally slacking off recently shouldn't mean that I should give up on the goals I set out earlier in the month.  So I might try and bump it up a notch again.  Too bad I have to work tomorrow... especially since I made a big mistake tonight and I have to go in tomorrow and own it.  Blegh!

Thoughts

While I was taking a bath today, I read about a career as a tour guide.  I have a book that outlines very, very briefly multiple different career choices and out of all of them, (including teaching), working as a tour guide seems the most fitting.  Of course, it was a very comprehensive description and the idea is one that would require a lot more research before even beginning to consider it but it peaked my interest.    Again, it might be nothing but who knows.  It sucks feeling so lost sometimes.  Still, I have my current job and that's earning enough money to grow our savings.  That's enough for now.

I'm still having horrible nightmares.  I woke up this morning screaming for Dave.  Well, I'm not sure I was actually screaming but in my head I was.  He had already gone to work and I had to call him.  These dreams aren't fun and I'm beginning to wonder why I'm struggling in my sleep like this.  I can't even say, it's too many crime shows because I've actually reduced my hours in front of the t.v.  Who knows really. I did have a decent dream the other night... I don't remember what it was about but I didn't wake up in cold sweats which was a nice break from my new normal.  Just taking it day by day.  I have another appointment with my wise one and hopefully we might lift the veil a bit.

Unwell

I woke up feeling like crap today.  I got through work which was great; however, I couldn't make it Alli's birthday party which saddened me.  Because I've been a stress case, I thought if I didn't make it would've been because of a panic attack not because I was just feeling ill in general.  Hopefully, I'm not coming down with something because I really don't know to deal with it.   It's been roller coaster of a month so far.  Ah well, it was a gorgeous day out and I did try and spend at least a half hour outside enjoying it.  Afterward, I got some much needed sleep literally sleeping for about 4 hours.  Even now that I'm awake, I don't feel fully rested and will be going back to bed shortly.  I am feeling a bit better though. 

Work

Today was relaxing.  We woke up late, chilled out, took naps, and finished it off with dinner and a movie.  I wish we had more days like this.  Dave's job gets more stressful by the day and it concerns me.  On Thursday we couldn't hang out at because he spent all night working (after working the entire day).  This morning work consumed him before he eventually decided to push it aside and enjoy the day.  Tomorrow evening, when I will hopefully be attending Alli's birthday party (happy birthday Alli) he will be working yet again.   His day to day tasks get more and more challenging as well and it seems that he gets very little respite from his work these days.  Sure, the money he makes from his job allows us to live with relative ease financially; however, if this continues I would rather take a cut in pay for get my husband's peace of mind back.

All the more reason for me to find something to help support us.  He never mentions it but I sometimes wonder if bothers him that he makes most of our money or if he feels burdened by it.  I try to stress to him that money isn't everything but at the same times that's hard for him to believe when my salary wouldn't support a far more modest lifestyle nevermind the one that we live.  Perhaps, I should find a way to change that.   I mean, I've got a college degree.  Supposedly that should help earn me more money though I've yet to see any sort of proof of that.  At all.  Really, in the end I chose the wrong major.

Pipe Dreams

Yikes I almost forgot to write tonight.  Now that I am, I don't really know what to write about except that vacations are super expensive and I wish I were rich so I could just go anywhere I wanted.  And I want to go everywhere.  I do!  There are just so many places and I sometimes fear that I will never have the opportunity or the time to see it all.  Really, my dream is to make money auditing classes and travel around the world.  Wishful thinking, totally but if I had the opportunity that would be my dream.

Then I think about it and I think about how delusional I am.  Is there any hope for me?  Really?  Will I just be chasing these pipe dreams for the rest of my life?

Manic Depressive

Writing my post super early today.  I slept a lot today-- more than normal.  Luckily, I managed to get through most of my hours without any nightmares and after a second nap, I've awoken feeling rested for the first time in days.  I also don't feel too down about anything right now which is also a nice feeling.  It's been a rough couple of weeks.  Man, I'm hungry.  Dave has gone to go get Five Guys.  Sadly, our diet and exercise plan has halted a bit.  I just don't have the motivation which sort of depresses me but I I'm not allowing it to get to me for now.  It doesn't get me anywhere.

I'm very hopeful that this whole depression thing will subside soon.  I'm so done with it.   Here's the thing I have these tiny spurts of motivation but I'm really beginning to fear being manic depressive.  It's not the worst thing in the world and I have not been diagnosed with it at all but it's become a consuming thought similar to when I feared that I was a narcissist.  So yes at the moment my fear is that when I get these spurts of motivation, I'm quick to stop it.  I don't want a manic episode where I do a lot and then crash.   So as a result, I've almost been finding comfort in the depression which is strange.  I hate being crazy, it's really obnoxious.  Do I really think I'm manic depressive? Not really but it's something that scares me.  Hopefully it will pass.  I mean, these mood swings have been just a recent thing.

Alright.  Dave is here with my much needed food.

If you don't have anything nice to say....

Meh.  Not in the mood tonight.  Like not at all.  Really, I just feel like I have nothing good to say right now and you know that saying, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."  It's something you learn as a child to remind yourself to not speak unkind words toward others.  Kids tease and taunt each other all the time.  The saying is fitting for them.  However, it can also be used toward yourself.  If you don't have anything nice to say about yourself, don't say anything at all.  Funny how that isn't used toward ourselves; it should be.

Only bad thing about that is that I feel like I now have absolutely nothing to say.  I still have so much progress ahead of me...

Better day

Today was a much better day than yesterday which was a good thing.  I have one more seven hour shift tomorrow before I get a day off.  Not having two consecutive days off in a row is more difficult.  Perhaps though I just need to learn how to embrace the individual days that I have.  On the one hand I want to reduce my hours but on the other hand there are so many things worth saving and earning more money for.  Each day that I think about our finances, I think of something else that I hadn't been considering or some other type of buffer we need.  Anyway, my current thinking is to continue what I'm doing and keep my options open.

Aside from that, not too much really happened today.  I had another therapy appointment again today but so much of was focused on my work anxiety and the current funk I'm in.   While we were talking I realized just how much my current work situation (not necessarily the job, but everything) was stressing me out.  We were discussing how cardholders swearing at me and being rude or condescending appears to roll off my back to my coworkers but that it does affect me in other ways.  It possibly even contributes to my daily anxiety.  There was a certain feeling of validation when I got a response from the bank about the crazy lady I talked to yesterday (who basically swore at my nonstop through tears for a solid ten minutes) saying that they basically kicked her out of the bank because they couldn't deal with her.  Can I just say that I love it when banks do that!  Most people don't realize that if you are too much of a pain in the ass to a company or bank, they can and do refuse you service basically telling you to take your business elsewhere.  Take that bitches!

Sigh

Work was extremely frustrating today.  It actually didn't start out that way but around 7:30 the phones exploded and people began calling in with what should have been simple tasks but weren't.  I felt like every phone call I got took so many extra steps and time.  I felt like I was working far harder but because of the strange types of calls I was far less productive.  It also didn't help that we were short two (technically three since Jen was promoted) and my coworkers also seemed to be getting the same types of calls I was.  In the end, I left over an hour later than I should have.  It doesn't appear to be letting up as one of my coworkers went to the hospital earlier today and may need her gall bladder removed.  I really hope that she doesn't because she's already been through enough.  Seriously, I think there's something in the water with me having panic attacks again, another of my coworker's husband have surgery, and now her potentially needing gall bladder surgery.   On the bright side, we are all super supportive of each other and that really makes a huge difference.

Compounding my frustration, I've been having a really difficult time sleeping.  For the past two days, I've been sleeping long hours and having terrible nightmares.   Today, despite waking up early I found myself utterly exhausted by mid morning and put myself back to bed.  During my sleep, I kept having these awful dreams where strange men would let themselves into my apartment while I was there naked, alone, and too tired to defend myself.  Yesterday my dreams comprised of me being yelled at continuously by managers and customers alike because I couldn't bag their art supplies efficiently or quickly.  No matter how many times I would wake up from these dreams, when I'd fall back to sleep they would pick up where they left off.  90% of the time when I did wake fully, I felt even more tired than when I went to bed.  It's making me quite reluctant to go back to bed tonight even though I am quite tired.

Right now, I just need to remember that this is frustration and exhaustion is just temporary.  It will get better.

Housewife

I don't feel well. I'm having a runny nose issue again; gosh, it makes me feel yucky.   After getting home from work today, Dave and I were talking and I began thinking about our modern day society.  As you know, I'm all for women in the workforce.  I personally believe that all women should have the opportunity and the right to work if they choose.  I am all for the wife being the primary breadwinner and I fully support "house husbands."  However, the expectation that both the husband and wife work is not necessarily the answer.

Tonight I found myself really missing my nights and weekends.  I want to be here when Dave comes home.  I want to keep house.   I've never considered myself to all that domestic but how much of that was because it was never very much stressed.  Growing up in the fifties, young women were under the expectation to maintain the home.  Her pride was dictated by the house she kept.  Today, women's pride is supposedly dictated by the jobs we work.  Is that any better?  Now there's that need to keep house, keep the job, have a relationship, have personal time, have time for friends, and eventually there will need to be time to be parents for both men and women.

I watch my mom struggle with trying to manage the balance of maintaining the home, working with my dad to help raise my sister and me, trying to find daycare when they were both at work, and trying to be a wife.   She did a wonderful job but it wasn't always clean.  We were expected to do chores but there were times that was hard to enforce because my mother herself couldn't always do her part of the housework and she wasn't always around to hold us accountable due to her daily responsibilities.  Maybe it would've been easier for her to stay at home while my father worked.

I don't know.  Tonight I just found myself desiring the life of a housewife.   Maybe it's the whole "the grass is greener" feeling but it's still there.  The worst part of it is that if I did try it many jobs want to have any gaps in employment fully explained.   What did you do during those 6 months that you weren't working?  First, what business is it of theirs?  Second, maybe I did decide to dedicate my time and energy to my family.  Maybe my husband wanted to do that.  Why should that be held against us?  Like I said earlier, I understand everyone having equal opportunities and rights to work but I don't like that it's an expectation.

Distant Worlds

What a great day and night! Thank goodness I'm not working tomorrow morning.  My coworker needed the night so she asked me to switch and really it couldn't have worked out better for me especially with daylight savings being tonight.  It's tough enough having to get up an extra hour earlier but after going out tonight would make it so much more difficult.

Tonight Dave and I joined Alli and some friends to go see Distant Worlds- Music from Final Fantasy.  Now, I've never played any of the Final Fantasy games but I fell in love with the music a very long time ago.  After John Williams, I would say that Nobou Uematsu is the one of the greatest composers today.  The music was amazing!  They also showed different scenes from some of the games and it was really, really cool to see how the graphics have developed over the years.  They would show scenes from FFIV and then from FFXIII or FFXIV.  It was incredible how they went from the 2D graphics that some may consider worse than the original Mario Brothers to almost cinematic movie scenes.  More than anything, the best part of the concert was the sing-a-long to One Winged Angel.

Afterward, Dave and I decided to go to Finale for dessert.  Gosh, I love that place.  Their molten cake and Rosa Regale wine is one of the most divine combinations of flavors in food.  We had a wonderful conversation and the whole night was just wonderful.  I love my husband so, so much and I'm so thankful that Alli told us about this concert.  While we were there I saw a list of their upcoming shows and there about five more that I would love to go see.  I'm such a dork that I would prefer to go to symphonies than concerts.

Another very short post

I didn't anticipate feeling so tired tonight but as I sit here I'm finding my eyes getting heavy and my breathing slowing down.  I suppose it is 1am so it's not that surprising; I'm not used to working so late.  Work went well again so that was nice.  It's amazing what working one hour less can do.  Six hours feels very different from seven.

Earlier today I went running again.  I did it by myself, at approximately the same time, and on the same treadmill.  I know that's strange to be proud of but those little similarities could all be triggers of another panic attack.  Still, I did it and I got through it.   Oddly enough, I've found that if I silently sing along to the music playing on my iPod I breathe better.  It seems strange but if it works then I'm all for it.

Good days

What a gorgeous day today.  It's still early March but today I got a glimpse of spring.  I really can't wait for the warm weather to become a more regular visitor.  My day went as nicely as the weather as well and I thoroughly enjoyed having the day off.   The biggest downside to my day was getting a text message from my boss asking me to work 5-11pm tomorrow instead of my new 2-9pm which kind of stinks as I've enjoyed getting home before 10pm.  However, it seems to be just for tomorrow so maybe I won't be going back to it permanently.  In the end though, I'm just going to let what happens happen.  If they prefer me to work 5-11pm again, then that does give me full days to play with for maybe something else.  We'll see but I'm not worrying about it.

That doesn't mean I didn't worry at all today.  I had to go to the dentist this morning which meant a least two hours of fretting.  There is something about the dentist that makes me anxious.  I'm not sure what it is exactly.  I mean, I've been visiting the dentist since I was two years old and I had some type of gum infection.  Just somewhere along the way I began to get nervous.  However, two advil tablets and an anti-anxiety pill later and I was ready to go.  I have to say, I love my dentist and the whole office.  It's really kind of awesome to have found a wonderful, local dentist (he's quite literally across the street).  I need to schedule another physical to see if I like my doctor as much as I did the first time.

Really, after getting through the cleaning this morning the rest of my day was a breeze.  I spent a good portion outside reading by the ocean.  Dave and I did allow ourselves to eat out tonight but we tried to be healthy with it.  Later tonight we spent a bit more time looking at our budget with a focus of investing more into our 401Ks and Roth IRAs.  It appears that we will be able to fund them more than we initially thought so another bonus.  I really, really, really like good days.

Back to work

I went back to work today and my therapist was right about something else: it wasn't that bad.  There was something "grounding" about it.  It was like my life was returning to some normalcy.  So that was a big step too.  That said, I'm really glad that I have the day off tomorrow because I still feel like I need it.  Despite not working the past couple of days, I don't really feel like I've had days off.  It's like I've been sick.  I was home but not really myself .  I was going to write so much more but I'm utterly exhausted.  This is super short but I think I'm done with writing tonight.  As it is, my eyes are crossing and the words are blurring.  All done.

Making Strides

Another difficult day for yours truly but it wasn't without any milestones.  I got myself back on the treadmill.  That was a big thing for me seeing as the last time I ran completely sucker punched me but I knew I had two choices: I could avoid running forever or I could climb back on and try again.  Of course, I had my wonderful husband who stood right next to me during my entire run and made sure I wasn't overdoing and that I was okay.  He really is the best.  I don't know where I would be without him.  Unlike my last run, I ran a full level slower and with zero incline and it was easy.  Halfway through the run, I increase my incline back to what it was but no wonder I lost it last time.  Even though I knew I had overdone it, I don't think I understood just how far beyond myself until today.  Seriously.

I also got the dishes done, two loads of laundry, and finished one of the five books that I'm trying to read at the same time.  All that and a nap too.  So yes, I spent the first half of the day in tears and trying to move beyond my own feelings but I did.  Now I just need to get myself back to work.  I can do that too.  Hopefully.

Lesson

I've been all out of sorts since yesterday.  Done and discouraged and afraid are the prevalent emotions.  Thankfully, I have a therapy appointment tomorrow.  What a difference a week makes.  Last week I felt like I was ready to take on the world or at least myself.  I feel so far from that now.  I mean, I'm still eating properly or at least trying to anyway but I didn't go to yoga today or do much of any exercise.  I feel really nervous about exercising again.  I don't want to relapse.  I don't want to endure another one of those panic attacks.  So yeah, I don't know.

Perhaps it's just going to be a tough week and I have to just ride it out.  I can't do that.  I've ridden threw many a tough week and I'm sure that there are more than many more ahead of me.  Each of these moments where setbacks occur are learning experiences.  Maybe this is something else that I need to learned.  I'm not 100% sure what my lesson is just yet but hopefully with time it will reveal itself and I will be a better person as a result.

Panic

I started week two of the couch to 5K and it did not go well.  It didn't go well at all actually.  During week two, we increase our running from one minute to one and a half minutes then walk for two minutes.  I know it was only thirty seconds but my goodness it makes such a huge difference.  Of course, I pushed myself too hard and I started cramping after 4 runs.  Still I didn't want to stop and I continued to push for the next two runs.  When it came time to "cool down"  I was in a lot of pain, dripping with sweat, and struggling to walk for the 5 minutes.  In the end, I didn't finish.  With two minutes left to my cool down, I stumbled off the treadmill and ran to the bathroom where I struggled with the pain for 20 minutes.

Sadly, that wasn't the worst of it.  As I was doubled over alone in the bathroom I began panicking.  I knew I was panicking and despite my best efforts I couldn't seem to get it to stop.  Still dripping with sweat I felt my hands and feet begin to tingle.  For a few moments the pain would subside and I thought I could get myself together but then another wave would hit and I loose control all over again.  Somehow, looking back, I'm not quite sure how I managed to walk across the street back to the apartment where the panic completely took over me.  It ended badly and I'm going to leave it at that.

In the end, I felt so embarrassed and stupid.  I just started to feel ready to talk with my medication person about lowering the dosage.  I seriously thought I was ready.  Now what?  Also, I never want to run again.  Totally bumming out right now.

titles are hard

Had some problems with managing my food intake today which makes me sad because the day started out so promising.   We just had to pass by that cupcake bar on a side excursion to Needham.  Initially we just drove by it but eventually we decided that you can't just drive by a cupcake bar without stopping so we turned back around.  Dave thoroughly enjoyed his cupcake; however, mine just didn't sit right.  It was too rich or too sweet or too something and I couldn't finish it.  That was at least a good thing as it was an enormous cupcake.  Still though, upon leaving I was really bummed that my splurge on crappy food was not what I expected.  Also, it just left a bad taste in my mouth so I wasn't very hungry until approximately ten o'clock where I then found myself eating buttery popcorn and pasta salad.  Tough day today for my weight loss goals with the food and no exercise but I'll do better tomorrow. 

Other than the food the day and evening has been great.  We decided not to do too much tonight and I switch shifts with my coworker tomorrow.  Her husband had shoulder surgery and it's a lot more difficult finding a baby sitter to care for their toddler daughter until 11pm versus 3pm.  Normally, I prefer the day shift as I get out of work and still feel like I have a day left; however, it feels nice to not have to get up at 6am tomorrow morning.  I feel like I can just relax and chill.   

Conflict-the nasty side effect of any good relationship

I am really irritated with Dave right now to the point where I literally kicked him out of the room.  I actually said to him, "Please go away, I don't want to deal with you right now."  It's been a really long time since I've been this upset with him and I'm not going to go into specifics but it's quarter to one in the morning and I have to write and this is how I'm feeling so he will have to deal with the fact that I'm documenting my unhappiness with him.  He didn't consider my feelings at all this evening so whatever.  Yes, it isn't necessary for me to disregard his feelings just because he disregarded mine earlier.  Yes, it is a tad bit immature but I don't care.   By tomorrow morning I'll be over it because it wasn't anything major. It just really upsetting to me and it came down to me just continuing to bitch him out or have him go away and wait for me to calm down.  Bitching at him wasn't going to make me feel any better.

There is progress there, I suppose.  I used to be the type that would just yell and yell and yell.  For hours.  Many times, I would just talk in circles long after the other person says they're sorry and that they mean it.  It's useless.  The cliche "beating a dead horse" comes to mind.  Of course, "beating" any animal alive or dead bothers me but that was what I would metaphorically be doing in my arguments.  So though, telling him "Go Away" wasn't the nicest thing in the world.  I just saved both of us from an endless tirade on my part.  Like I said, it wasn't even that big of a deal.  It was just something that's been an issue for us in the past--in fact, a big issue when we first started dating.  He knows it bothers me and he just "didn't feel like dealing with it."  That alone makes me angry.  Well, great.  Now you have to deal with me and I certainly know I'm far more unpleasant than what you would have had to deal with earlier.

All the more reason I'm not ready to be a parent.  I feel like that's the adolescent way of living.  They don't deal with something that might be mildly unpleasant at the moment so end up having to sit through their parents yelling at them later or far more dire and serious consequences later.  I've been there.  We've all been there so no, I can't be too angry with him for taking that route tonight but still it is quite annoying.  I have the right to be annoyed, don't I?  Now that I've gone and written this I feel bad that I'm going to end up posting it.   He just came back in and apologized again.   Funny how just a bit of space can change everything.  I got up and gave him a hug and don't really feel mad anymore.

Sometimes I get sidetracked...

I'm watching the Project Runway Broadway episode (yes, I'm a bit behind but I've been busy) and I think the opportunity to design for Broadway is one of the coolest challenges they've had since they used to the do the amazing make a garment out of the junk you find at lumber yard.   I really, really miss those challenges.  I mean, I still can't get over what they do in the amount of time they have.  Actually I can't get over what they do at all; the fact they can design and they create.  I wish I could do it.  I wish I could do a lot of things.

I saw a dance number on Pinterest and my goodness I wanted to be her.  Yes, I know that she is a World Champion Dancer and that ever being able to dance like that would be like me saying that if I just worked hard enough I could be Michelle Kwan.  Obviously, I could dance for days on end and never ever be able to dance half as good but she made me want to dance.  She made me want to find an adult ballet studio or at least a studio that offers dance classes and begin learning the basics.  Of course, this led me into thinking, "why don't you try skating again?  At least you have a background in it."  I don't know what it is but I'm reluctant.  Maybe it's because I want to pick up where I left off and that's not possible being ten years out of skates and thirty pounds heavier.  I don't want to work so hard to get back to what I could do ten years ago.  With dance or yoga, at least I'm starting at the beginning.  After a year's worth of work, I'd be a better dancer than I've ever been and I wouldn't be able to say that about skating.

Right now though, the dancing is on hold.  Two of my goals were to try yoga for real and to get back on the ice.  I need to focus on those for now.  Maybe I can't try dance a bit later.   I did go to yoga again today for a class but no one else showed up so I had a private lesson.  How cool!  I did so much better than I thought I was going to do.  When I went on Monday, I just couldn't get into it.  Perhaps it was because I allowed myself to get too caught up in comparing myself to everyone else.  Gosh, I get that recognizing when I do it will eventually help me stop doing it but really, I would just like to stop doing it altogether.  Anyway, today, I really felt good about it.  I was more forgiving of my usual harsh self criticisms and I just went for it.  I will admit, I'm loving all this exercising I'm doing.  The change in eating has been difficult but the exercise is making me feel great.  I feel like I'm working on something.  With the food, I feel like I'm just trying to break a lot of terrible bad habits.  I did well today though!

Well, I got a bit sidetracked from Project Runway.  I was very happy with the outcome.  When I saw the winner's look come down the runway, I thought it was the best for Godspell.  I am never able to predict the winner.  I guess, I do know my fashion if it's ostentatious and for the stage.  Too bad you can't wear those normally.