Therapy

I am exhausted and once this is over I am going straight to bed.  It's days like these when I wish I hadn't made this decision to write everyday but it was and still is a very good idea.  Once I'm in bed and I've written, I'll feel so much better.

Went to therapy and decided it was time to bring my focus back to the things that I was beginning to approach before my most recent panic attack.  I decided it was time to begin dealing with my negative self-talk.  Katie, Alli, my parents, Dave, and others have expressed that I'm too hard on myself.  Recently on Pinterest, I repinned the quote, "If a friend spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, how long would you be friends?"  That quote resonated with me and while I was talking to my person, I came to the conclusion that my being hard on myself is a defense mechanism.  I anticipate what others my say, I assume their criticisms and criticize myself before they even have a chance.  If I'm criticizing myself, then others will feel like I've already covered it.

Being highly critical of myself works for me as a way to defend myself from potential criticisms.  It's my way of deflecting.  Dave reminded me that I do not handle criticism well and I never have.  I get super defensive and get angry or I take it as total fact and become super depressed.  So much of it is a self confidence issue.  Without self-confidence, you can be very easily swayed by what others say you.

She gave me a homework assignment that actually involves a book I bought for myself a long time ago.  She asked if I every read it and I told her I could never get past Chapters 1 and 2 which focus on eating better and staying healthy.  The book recommends that I do this for 2 weeks before continuing on and since I could never finish two weeks of self-care.  My therapist suggested modifying it into something that's more than a pass/fail task but rather something that I am actively working toward.  Also, she suggested that I begin with Chapter 3 and work through Chapter 5.  

I have my assignment and it's reasonable.  I can do this and maybe (hopefully) I'll be a bit more forgiving of myself and my flaws.