Introverted vs. Extroverted

Went to a baby shower today and it was a lot of fun.  There were so many wonderful woman in attendance and small, adorable children running around.  Mommy to be was beautiful and glowing despite feeling super hot in this unusually warm April day.  I didn't know very many people but I got to meet a wonderful lady from San Francisco who has traveled around the world and we just had a great conversation.  In addition, the party gift was perfect.  If I ever get pregnant, I totally want to do this for my bridal shower.  We each chose a letter and decorated it.  People were so creative and artistic not to mention that it was super fun.  

For those curious, I did the T.

The party made me think about how so many people think I'm very extroverted.  There are many times when I feel like I'm extroverted myself.  I'm relatively comfortable meeting new people and find that I can participate in conversations easily.  I'm genuinely interested in talking with others and enjoy learning about their experiences, likes, dislikes, etc.   Overall, I enjoy working with people.  I want to work with others and I sincerely want to help others in whatever way I can.  

On the other hand, getting me out of the house is not an easy task: even for friends I know well.  If given the choice, I also always chose to stay home or just be with Dave.  Even tonight, I chose to stay and have spent the time to myself.  I've sat on my computer pinning things from Disneybound on Pinterest.  Dave is on his computer in the other room doing his own thing and I am super content with that.  Even Dave, who normally comes across as far more introverted than myself, expresses how he is far more interested in hanging out with friends.  Once I'm with friends, I feel great and I have a wonderful time.  It's just getting me there.  

Really, I'm a just a contradiction.  I do wish I embodied more of that extroversion.  In my daydreams, I envision having a home where people come over regularly and I am completely and totally comfortable even if they stay for days.  I see myself throwing lots of fun parties and attending creative parties of others.  Every time I hang out with friends, I find myself thinking about future get-togethers and truly cultivating those relationships.  I want that but at the exact same time, it seems to go against my very nature.  I don't maintain a home that's welcoming to others.  I don't throw parties.  I don't actively try to get together with others preferring the quiet solitude.  

Looking back, I've always been like this.  So much so that my father gave an accurate prediction while I was in middle school that if I didn't hang out with my friends then they would no longer be my friends.  I don't think he ever realized the complex that gave me later in life.  His words echo'd in my ears as those very friends ran away from me in the school yard the following school year and refused to speak with me for months.  I would linger with them anyway despite how they refused to acknowledge my existence and vowed that I would never choose solitude.  I actually appreciated the winter days being so short knowing that on school nights that I wasn't allowed to hang out after dark.  It made the hours having to socialize shorter.  There were times that I dreaded weekends believing that if I didn't go hang out with people, I would lose the friends I had made. 

During college, I was terrified of my friends hanging out without me firmly believing that they would just one day question why they let me tag along and leave me behind.  This caused a lot of jealousy on my part which was I'm sure very obnoxious.  I can't tell you how many times I would go hang out with a group of friends just because the person I was closest to at the time was doing so and I feared that those hanging out with us would realize just how awesome that person was without me.  I knew how awesome they were and I never felt like I could hold my own.  Somewhere, in my twisted mind, I needed to be liked as much as them.  I was lucky.  I had found myself some really great friends who tolerated my strange friendship issues, even went out of their way to accommodate them at times.  Thinking about it know makes me cry because that alone should have shown me how much they cared.  

Finally, years later, I'm beginning to come to grips with this issue.  There are times that I hear about it and I hardly think twice about it--truly a miracle.  Other times, I feel the twitch and I find myself having to talk myself down.  The difference is that I can talk myself down now.  Well, many times anyway.  I'm someone unique and different.  I do bring something to a group that no one else can.  I shouldn't be so worried about being replaced.  I can't replace anyone.  Why do I think that someone can replace me?  So I supposed this recent solitude is a choice that I'm making.  Trying to reconnect with the part of me I so badly tried to deny, that I hated, and that I thought threatened my friendships.  Maybe once I've reconnected fully, I'll find myself wanting to get out more.  Maybe not but I need to begin accepting want I am and stop berating myself for not being who I want to be.  

It's really not easy.  Let me tell you.