::shrugs::

I made it to and through work tonight without a panic attack.  Bonus points for me.  Actually I was feeling a bit better today which of course, led to the inevitable breakdown where I cried for a solid half hour before finding comfort in a couple of games of solitaire.  Oddly enough, it was the first time I've cried all week so it gave me much needed catharsis.

My tears today indicated that I'm just feeling overwhelmed.  I feel stuck where I am and find what is needed to move out of this place completely beyond me.  I begin to think about it and I shut down.  Last week, I came to the realization that I'm not as far along in my trauma recovery as I initially thought I was and that I still have a whole lot more to go.  Not to mention everything that would not necessarily be considered "traumatic" but still very detrimental to my emotional and psychological stability that still needs to be address.

Such a large part of me just doesn't want to go into any of it which is why sleep always wins when I look at my options.  Perhaps deep down, I hope that my subconscious will deep with it for me by way of the multiple nightmares and dreams that I've been having.  I don't know.  I need out of this rut but I'm too halted by the tasks necessary to get out of it.  That and I don't even know where to begin.

Truthfully though.  I need to figure it it out because I can't continue to exist like this.