Something about the people potentially coming freaked me out, I think. My nightmares, which has somewhat subsided, came back in full force last night. I kept dreaming that they were just walking into the apartment, not knowing that I was there, and catching me sleeping. Worse, in my dream I knew I was sleeping and there was nothing I could do to wake myself up. Sometimes I would "wake up" and throw on some stretch pants but then I would realized my dressing was still part of my dream and that they were still coming inside and I was still laying in bed. No matter what I would do, I couldn't seem to wake myself up. Finally, I would find myself gasping for air and actually come back to reality. I'd fall back to sleep and it would happen all over again. At a certain point, I couldn't tell when I was awake and when I was dreaming. It was terrifying.
Needless to say, when I finally did wake up I felt like I had been through an emotional war. I was crying and frustrated and terrified that they were going to come to the door. I wanted to leave but I couldn't get a grip. It was awful. In the end, I called into work. Luckily, my job is super understanding and supportive. I spent today working on small projects and watched a movie. Once 5pm came and I knew that they would not be showing up today, I felt such relief. I threw on my headphones like I used to do when I was a teenager and later took a bath. Dave was hanging out with friends and it was nice to have the apartment to myself for the evening. At first, I had wished for him to be near me. I always want him nearby when I'm emotionally fragile but as I started to regain my composure I found myself enjoying the time alone.
On the bright side, having a clean apartment is liberating. I hate putting the work in and I try to pretend that the mess doesn't bother me but it totally does. It's oppressive and makes me feel even more confused and unstable. Now that there isn't junk everywhere I need to keep this way. Is there more cleaning to do, yes but right now I want to maintain this. It's amazing just how much it helped during my recent setback. I felt out of balance, unstable, and totally fragile but I had hope. I knew it was temporary. I looked around the apartment and didn't feel like such a failure and feel so overwhelmed by the cluttered and emotional distance I still need to travel. Today was rough and I really, really hope that the nightmares don't come back tonight.
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