Mental movement

What to write about?  It's one of those days that I have a lot of thoughts and even more feelings but find myself unwilling to share them.  This being a personal journal in so many ways I want to treat it that way but then I remember that others can and do read this.  It's hard to be entirely open and honest.  More than that, it can be difficult to just state feelings without needing to explain them.  Some feelings can't be explained.

For example, while I was laying down, the feeling that I am still in the abusive relationship came to mind.  Of course, in reality I'm not in it at all.  My husband is so incredibly different and loving and supportive.  When I with him I feel safe and understood and like I could anything which is the complete opposite about how I felt in the abusive relationship.  Still, in many ways, I feel like my mind is still there.  My mind is still operating under the rules, parameters, and boundaries that were established during that relationship.  Even though it been years, I still feel mentally trapped.

I know it doesn't make sense and no matter what I say I don't think I'll ever be able to explain it to others. It's too close to home and I'm not sure if I fully understand it enough to explain why it does makes sense to me.  It does though.  For the first time in a long time, I feel like it's one of the first thoughts that I've had that means something- that feels like it's real.  It was an "aah ha" moment that my therapist talks about when you realize that one truth that makes everything fit.   This is why I've been having such a difficult time recently.  It's why I've been freaking out and hiding in sleep.  Suddenly things are slowly beginning to come together.

Finally, I feel like I've found what it is that I need to work with.  It's no longer this invisible amorphous being that I'm grasping blindly toward.  Now, I can use the energy to try and explore this new information.  There's so much here and I've only just found the box.  Like anything else, I know that what I find in there could make things worse temporarily.  I look forward to bringing this to my wise woman to help me determine how to go about tackling this.  Yes, I'm nervous but I'm there's a part of me that feels like I'm getting somewhere and that's super exciting.