Distant Worlds

What a great day and night! Thank goodness I'm not working tomorrow morning.  My coworker needed the night so she asked me to switch and really it couldn't have worked out better for me especially with daylight savings being tonight.  It's tough enough having to get up an extra hour earlier but after going out tonight would make it so much more difficult.

Tonight Dave and I joined Alli and some friends to go see Distant Worlds- Music from Final Fantasy.  Now, I've never played any of the Final Fantasy games but I fell in love with the music a very long time ago.  After John Williams, I would say that Nobou Uematsu is the one of the greatest composers today.  The music was amazing!  They also showed different scenes from some of the games and it was really, really cool to see how the graphics have developed over the years.  They would show scenes from FFIV and then from FFXIII or FFXIV.  It was incredible how they went from the 2D graphics that some may consider worse than the original Mario Brothers to almost cinematic movie scenes.  More than anything, the best part of the concert was the sing-a-long to One Winged Angel.

Afterward, Dave and I decided to go to Finale for dessert.  Gosh, I love that place.  Their molten cake and Rosa Regale wine is one of the most divine combinations of flavors in food.  We had a wonderful conversation and the whole night was just wonderful.  I love my husband so, so much and I'm so thankful that Alli told us about this concert.  While we were there I saw a list of their upcoming shows and there about five more that I would love to go see.  I'm such a dork that I would prefer to go to symphonies than concerts.

Another very short post

I didn't anticipate feeling so tired tonight but as I sit here I'm finding my eyes getting heavy and my breathing slowing down.  I suppose it is 1am so it's not that surprising; I'm not used to working so late.  Work went well again so that was nice.  It's amazing what working one hour less can do.  Six hours feels very different from seven.

Earlier today I went running again.  I did it by myself, at approximately the same time, and on the same treadmill.  I know that's strange to be proud of but those little similarities could all be triggers of another panic attack.  Still, I did it and I got through it.   Oddly enough, I've found that if I silently sing along to the music playing on my iPod I breathe better.  It seems strange but if it works then I'm all for it.

Good days

What a gorgeous day today.  It's still early March but today I got a glimpse of spring.  I really can't wait for the warm weather to become a more regular visitor.  My day went as nicely as the weather as well and I thoroughly enjoyed having the day off.   The biggest downside to my day was getting a text message from my boss asking me to work 5-11pm tomorrow instead of my new 2-9pm which kind of stinks as I've enjoyed getting home before 10pm.  However, it seems to be just for tomorrow so maybe I won't be going back to it permanently.  In the end though, I'm just going to let what happens happen.  If they prefer me to work 5-11pm again, then that does give me full days to play with for maybe something else.  We'll see but I'm not worrying about it.

That doesn't mean I didn't worry at all today.  I had to go to the dentist this morning which meant a least two hours of fretting.  There is something about the dentist that makes me anxious.  I'm not sure what it is exactly.  I mean, I've been visiting the dentist since I was two years old and I had some type of gum infection.  Just somewhere along the way I began to get nervous.  However, two advil tablets and an anti-anxiety pill later and I was ready to go.  I have to say, I love my dentist and the whole office.  It's really kind of awesome to have found a wonderful, local dentist (he's quite literally across the street).  I need to schedule another physical to see if I like my doctor as much as I did the first time.

Really, after getting through the cleaning this morning the rest of my day was a breeze.  I spent a good portion outside reading by the ocean.  Dave and I did allow ourselves to eat out tonight but we tried to be healthy with it.  Later tonight we spent a bit more time looking at our budget with a focus of investing more into our 401Ks and Roth IRAs.  It appears that we will be able to fund them more than we initially thought so another bonus.  I really, really, really like good days.

Back to work

I went back to work today and my therapist was right about something else: it wasn't that bad.  There was something "grounding" about it.  It was like my life was returning to some normalcy.  So that was a big step too.  That said, I'm really glad that I have the day off tomorrow because I still feel like I need it.  Despite not working the past couple of days, I don't really feel like I've had days off.  It's like I've been sick.  I was home but not really myself .  I was going to write so much more but I'm utterly exhausted.  This is super short but I think I'm done with writing tonight.  As it is, my eyes are crossing and the words are blurring.  All done.

Making Strides

Another difficult day for yours truly but it wasn't without any milestones.  I got myself back on the treadmill.  That was a big thing for me seeing as the last time I ran completely sucker punched me but I knew I had two choices: I could avoid running forever or I could climb back on and try again.  Of course, I had my wonderful husband who stood right next to me during my entire run and made sure I wasn't overdoing and that I was okay.  He really is the best.  I don't know where I would be without him.  Unlike my last run, I ran a full level slower and with zero incline and it was easy.  Halfway through the run, I increase my incline back to what it was but no wonder I lost it last time.  Even though I knew I had overdone it, I don't think I understood just how far beyond myself until today.  Seriously.

I also got the dishes done, two loads of laundry, and finished one of the five books that I'm trying to read at the same time.  All that and a nap too.  So yes, I spent the first half of the day in tears and trying to move beyond my own feelings but I did.  Now I just need to get myself back to work.  I can do that too.  Hopefully.

Lesson

I've been all out of sorts since yesterday.  Done and discouraged and afraid are the prevalent emotions.  Thankfully, I have a therapy appointment tomorrow.  What a difference a week makes.  Last week I felt like I was ready to take on the world or at least myself.  I feel so far from that now.  I mean, I'm still eating properly or at least trying to anyway but I didn't go to yoga today or do much of any exercise.  I feel really nervous about exercising again.  I don't want to relapse.  I don't want to endure another one of those panic attacks.  So yeah, I don't know.

Perhaps it's just going to be a tough week and I have to just ride it out.  I can't do that.  I've ridden threw many a tough week and I'm sure that there are more than many more ahead of me.  Each of these moments where setbacks occur are learning experiences.  Maybe this is something else that I need to learned.  I'm not 100% sure what my lesson is just yet but hopefully with time it will reveal itself and I will be a better person as a result.

Panic

I started week two of the couch to 5K and it did not go well.  It didn't go well at all actually.  During week two, we increase our running from one minute to one and a half minutes then walk for two minutes.  I know it was only thirty seconds but my goodness it makes such a huge difference.  Of course, I pushed myself too hard and I started cramping after 4 runs.  Still I didn't want to stop and I continued to push for the next two runs.  When it came time to "cool down"  I was in a lot of pain, dripping with sweat, and struggling to walk for the 5 minutes.  In the end, I didn't finish.  With two minutes left to my cool down, I stumbled off the treadmill and ran to the bathroom where I struggled with the pain for 20 minutes.

Sadly, that wasn't the worst of it.  As I was doubled over alone in the bathroom I began panicking.  I knew I was panicking and despite my best efforts I couldn't seem to get it to stop.  Still dripping with sweat I felt my hands and feet begin to tingle.  For a few moments the pain would subside and I thought I could get myself together but then another wave would hit and I loose control all over again.  Somehow, looking back, I'm not quite sure how I managed to walk across the street back to the apartment where the panic completely took over me.  It ended badly and I'm going to leave it at that.

In the end, I felt so embarrassed and stupid.  I just started to feel ready to talk with my medication person about lowering the dosage.  I seriously thought I was ready.  Now what?  Also, I never want to run again.  Totally bumming out right now.

titles are hard

Had some problems with managing my food intake today which makes me sad because the day started out so promising.   We just had to pass by that cupcake bar on a side excursion to Needham.  Initially we just drove by it but eventually we decided that you can't just drive by a cupcake bar without stopping so we turned back around.  Dave thoroughly enjoyed his cupcake; however, mine just didn't sit right.  It was too rich or too sweet or too something and I couldn't finish it.  That was at least a good thing as it was an enormous cupcake.  Still though, upon leaving I was really bummed that my splurge on crappy food was not what I expected.  Also, it just left a bad taste in my mouth so I wasn't very hungry until approximately ten o'clock where I then found myself eating buttery popcorn and pasta salad.  Tough day today for my weight loss goals with the food and no exercise but I'll do better tomorrow. 

Other than the food the day and evening has been great.  We decided not to do too much tonight and I switch shifts with my coworker tomorrow.  Her husband had shoulder surgery and it's a lot more difficult finding a baby sitter to care for their toddler daughter until 11pm versus 3pm.  Normally, I prefer the day shift as I get out of work and still feel like I have a day left; however, it feels nice to not have to get up at 6am tomorrow morning.  I feel like I can just relax and chill.   

Conflict-the nasty side effect of any good relationship

I am really irritated with Dave right now to the point where I literally kicked him out of the room.  I actually said to him, "Please go away, I don't want to deal with you right now."  It's been a really long time since I've been this upset with him and I'm not going to go into specifics but it's quarter to one in the morning and I have to write and this is how I'm feeling so he will have to deal with the fact that I'm documenting my unhappiness with him.  He didn't consider my feelings at all this evening so whatever.  Yes, it isn't necessary for me to disregard his feelings just because he disregarded mine earlier.  Yes, it is a tad bit immature but I don't care.   By tomorrow morning I'll be over it because it wasn't anything major. It just really upsetting to me and it came down to me just continuing to bitch him out or have him go away and wait for me to calm down.  Bitching at him wasn't going to make me feel any better.

There is progress there, I suppose.  I used to be the type that would just yell and yell and yell.  For hours.  Many times, I would just talk in circles long after the other person says they're sorry and that they mean it.  It's useless.  The cliche "beating a dead horse" comes to mind.  Of course, "beating" any animal alive or dead bothers me but that was what I would metaphorically be doing in my arguments.  So though, telling him "Go Away" wasn't the nicest thing in the world.  I just saved both of us from an endless tirade on my part.  Like I said, it wasn't even that big of a deal.  It was just something that's been an issue for us in the past--in fact, a big issue when we first started dating.  He knows it bothers me and he just "didn't feel like dealing with it."  That alone makes me angry.  Well, great.  Now you have to deal with me and I certainly know I'm far more unpleasant than what you would have had to deal with earlier.

All the more reason I'm not ready to be a parent.  I feel like that's the adolescent way of living.  They don't deal with something that might be mildly unpleasant at the moment so end up having to sit through their parents yelling at them later or far more dire and serious consequences later.  I've been there.  We've all been there so no, I can't be too angry with him for taking that route tonight but still it is quite annoying.  I have the right to be annoyed, don't I?  Now that I've gone and written this I feel bad that I'm going to end up posting it.   He just came back in and apologized again.   Funny how just a bit of space can change everything.  I got up and gave him a hug and don't really feel mad anymore.

Sometimes I get sidetracked...

I'm watching the Project Runway Broadway episode (yes, I'm a bit behind but I've been busy) and I think the opportunity to design for Broadway is one of the coolest challenges they've had since they used to the do the amazing make a garment out of the junk you find at lumber yard.   I really, really miss those challenges.  I mean, I still can't get over what they do in the amount of time they have.  Actually I can't get over what they do at all; the fact they can design and they create.  I wish I could do it.  I wish I could do a lot of things.

I saw a dance number on Pinterest and my goodness I wanted to be her.  Yes, I know that she is a World Champion Dancer and that ever being able to dance like that would be like me saying that if I just worked hard enough I could be Michelle Kwan.  Obviously, I could dance for days on end and never ever be able to dance half as good but she made me want to dance.  She made me want to find an adult ballet studio or at least a studio that offers dance classes and begin learning the basics.  Of course, this led me into thinking, "why don't you try skating again?  At least you have a background in it."  I don't know what it is but I'm reluctant.  Maybe it's because I want to pick up where I left off and that's not possible being ten years out of skates and thirty pounds heavier.  I don't want to work so hard to get back to what I could do ten years ago.  With dance or yoga, at least I'm starting at the beginning.  After a year's worth of work, I'd be a better dancer than I've ever been and I wouldn't be able to say that about skating.

Right now though, the dancing is on hold.  Two of my goals were to try yoga for real and to get back on the ice.  I need to focus on those for now.  Maybe I can't try dance a bit later.   I did go to yoga again today for a class but no one else showed up so I had a private lesson.  How cool!  I did so much better than I thought I was going to do.  When I went on Monday, I just couldn't get into it.  Perhaps it was because I allowed myself to get too caught up in comparing myself to everyone else.  Gosh, I get that recognizing when I do it will eventually help me stop doing it but really, I would just like to stop doing it altogether.  Anyway, today, I really felt good about it.  I was more forgiving of my usual harsh self criticisms and I just went for it.  I will admit, I'm loving all this exercising I'm doing.  The change in eating has been difficult but the exercise is making me feel great.  I feel like I'm working on something.  With the food, I feel like I'm just trying to break a lot of terrible bad habits.  I did well today though!

Well, I got a bit sidetracked from Project Runway.  I was very happy with the outcome.  When I saw the winner's look come down the runway, I thought it was the best for Godspell.  I am never able to predict the winner.  I guess, I do know my fashion if it's ostentatious and for the stage.  Too bad you can't wear those normally.

Super Short

My word, I'm so incredibly tired.  I don't have the slightest idea why because I slept late again today and it's only 9pm.  Maybe it's the extra hours at work or the change in my diet and exercise or the weather.  I came home and I was just exhausted to the point when Dave insisted that I write now and not wait so I can go to bed if I want.  Also, I've decided that Wednesdays are going to be my "day off" from working out.  I go to work earlier in the morning and Wednesdays are just one of those days that always seems to be more difficult for me.

Okay, this is super lame but I think I'm calling it quits tonight.

Moving through setbacks

So I totally had that setback that I was afraid of this morning.  Oddly enough, I handled it okay which I guess is a good thing.  Sure I overslept and slept through breakfast but I still meditated and I still worked out and I still went to work .  So I didn't allow the fact that I slept in to ruin my whole day.  I doubt I'm going to write creatively today but I'm okay with that.  I wrote yesterday and the day before.  My Accountability Partners and I set the goal to dedicate four hours a week to start with and I'm halfway done with that.

Right now, I'm still struggling with the whole not eating thing.  It's crazy because it truly is just a bad habit that I've developed.  I would so love some nachos and cheese or some chocolate chip cookies right now.  That's what I used to do.  I'd come home and eat whatever I craved.  Not that eating nachos and cheese or chocolate chip cookies are a bad thing.  I'm not banishing them from my life forever but there is a time and a place.  Now only an hour or so before bed on my couch watching t.v.  So yeah, I'm really hoping that I get over these cravings relatively soon.

I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Trying to live well

Another productive day today.  I'm hopeful that I will be able to keep it up.  A couple of days ago, I created a very, very comprehensive plan to help me get the things done that I want to do on a daily basis including eating well, exercising, meditating, and writing.  So far it's going well but I'm nervous that it's not going to be something I can keep up.  Here's the thing though I feel so much better.  It's only been a couple of days of eating well and only two days of exercise but it's already showing its effects.

The biggest downside is that between my new comprehensive day plan and working seven hours a day I'm tired.  It's just a matter of getting into a routine.  Also, I still feel a bit hungry.  I've decided that I don't want to eat after I get home from work at 9pm.  I'm not used to it and I feel hungry but that's probably more habit talking than actual hunger.  My hope is that all this will actually improve my life and my waistline.  I've been trying to wake up early and eat breakfast with Dave so I'm going to try and do something lazy before going to bed.

Another Post

We went to my sister's house tonight for dinner and to get our taxes done.  Keeping up with our new found eating habits they made a delicious salad and soup.   Ben actually did most of the cooking.  It was a good time with a good meal. While my sister did our taxes I played with their adorable puppy and waited to hear the actual figure of how much we were going to owe.  Turned out, I worried for nothing.  We're actually going to be getting a return.  To answer Alli's question from yesterday, you do not have to file Married.  However, most people do because you tend to get a better result.  For example, we had each filed individually Dave would not have been able to deduct the interest from his student loans but because we were filing together, we were both able to and apparently I have enough taken out of mine to cover the both of us.  

On a totally unrelated note, Dave and I began a Couch to 5K program.  Basically today involved walking for 5 minutes to warm up then alternating between running and walking for just over 20 minutes.  We'd run for one minute, walk for a minute and a half, and run again for a minute.  We repeated this until 8 times.  Running for a total of 8 minutes to today.   This week we will do this two more times before bumping the running up to a minute and a half and only walking for a minute.  After about 9-10 weeks, we will be able to run a 5K.  Of course, we may be incredibly slow but we can then work to just pick up the pace.  My sister in law is doing this as well.  My brother in law was always a runner.  Hopefully, by the end of May or the beginning of June we might actually be able to run a 5K though I'm not about to sign up for one anytime soon.  The best part of this program is the iphone app that walks you through it.  It works wonderfully with whichever playlist you want and the woman who talks is all British.  

So overall a good, productive day.

Forgot

Got to see Katie and Alli today which was super awesome.  We just sat and talked.  It was great.   I'm lucky to have them as friends because as I was talking I kept saying, "on my therapist is the reason for this and my therapist is the reason for that" and they called me on it.   Actually I caught a look that Alli gave Katie, a "here she goes again" kind of look and at first I thought it was because I kept talking about me so I apologized but then they told me that it was more that I'm giving my therapist too much credit and not myself.  Katie even stated that if it really was all my therapist then I should probably get a new one.  It was then that I admitted that it really isn't my therapist and that she says tells me all the time that I'm the one doing all the work.  I just don't feel like I feel like I can take credit for it.  I mean, I went for almost ten years and couldn't do it myself.  It wasn't until I started working with her that I began to work through things and begin the work.

I suppose, I could also make the argument that without my first grade teacher I wouldn't be able to read but there's that other part of me that feels like I don't deserve the credit.  After all, I got myself in the position to begin with and I did that without any help at all.  Something else came up when I was talking to them but I then started to get upset so I pushed it back down and I can't remember what it was.  It had something to do with going all one way and now this is the other extreme but I don't remember the details.  It was not the time or the place.  I don't see them enough to begin delving into those things that upset me. When I do see them I want to laugh and have fun and reconnect.  It's kind of strange that I now don't remember exactly what it was.  I mean, I'm sure I will at some point but clearly I'm still quite adept at selective forgetting.

Love

Dave had the day off from work today which made it so much harder for me to go to work at 2pm.  I just wanted to stay home and cuddle and dream with him.  I am really just so happy with him.  It feels so good when I hold him or he hold me.  Snuggling is by far one my favorite activities.  Sometimes I wonder how I got here.  How did my love life work out so awesomely?  After meeting my first crush, I used to imagine what love in my life would look like or feel like?  However, I don't think I ever dreamed of feeling like this.  Of course, the feeling of falling in love is unlike any other feelings but it's easy to imitate and imagine.  This kind of love though.  The kind where you feel like you are spending every single day with your best friend, with a person who understands you, who supports you, who you feel completely and 100% safe with.  It's really incredible and I can only hope that it lasts.   Just before I fell asleep last night, I realized that we have only been married for just under five months.  It feels like we've been married forever (in the awesome way).  I love him a whole lot.

Getting Healthy

So day two of my Biggest Loser challenge was just that: a challenge.  I didn't work out due to the cramps as a result of my long overdue monthly friend but I did try and monitor my eating.   Throughout the morning and early afternoon, I just felt rather blah and kind of down.  However, I had a decent talk with Katie over IM about it and she gave me some good advice saying that it I didn't have to do an all or nothing approach.  We talked about my horrible habits and recent addiction to fast food.   Initially, I expressed some sadness over not allowing certain indulgences.  Katie encouraged me to not give up my loves but to try and find some alternatives to make at home.

Honestly, that makes more sense.  I don't want to diet, lose the weight, stop dieting, then gain the weight back.  I have no desire to begin yo-yo dieting.  I've already lost the weight and gained it back during the past year and it's not something I want to continue.  Therefore, it's a lifestyle change that needs to occur, not a diet which means that I can't give up my favorite foods.  She mentioned trying to just replicate my favorite fast food meal at home and not worry so much about it being "healthy" at first.  After, I could then look toward healthier options.  That makes so much sense to me and in the end I want to cook our meals at home, eat when I'm hungry, stop when I begin to feel full, and increase my activity level.  I'm not looking to become the next great-American athlete or model.  I just want to lead a healthy lifestyle and be healthy in mind and body.

Tonight Dave and I cooked our dinner together, shut off the t.v., turned on some music, and just had a wonderful dinner together at our table.  It was really nice and it's definitely something that I want to continue.  We then cleaned the apartment a bit more and spent most of the evening just talking.  How incredible that just having some dinner together without the distraction of t.v. can change the entire tone of the evening.  So yeah, the first two days of eating home with Dave went really well.  I hope we can keep it going.

Disney

Taking a break from my Disney planning.  Dave showed me a website that allows us to buy other people's Disney timeshare points so you can actually book the really nice Villas for far cheaper than you could directly from Disney.  Of course there are downsides to this: no refunds being the biggest which concerns me when we are traveling during late November and early December.  Also, compared to Disney's Value resorts there are very little savings.  That said, the value resorts are nothing compared to what we'd be getting if we stayed at one of these villas.  Perhaps if we were traveling during the spring, I would seriously consider it.  I guess I can't really say I've ruled it out entirely yet.  I need to show what I've found out to Dave and go over it with him as well as my parents.  I'm excited to go to Disney!

Self Improvement

By the time I went to bed last night, I found myself forgiving my mistakes which I thought was a good step.  I found myself saying things like, "you can learn from this.  This is not going to be the first time you've made a mistake, it won't be the last, and just because I've made this mistake doesn't mean I'm going to be a giant failure."  It's a big thing for me... to have self compassion.  It's something I've been working on for quite a long time.  

So yes, yay for some progress.  I'm still super disappointment in myself and it's quite humbling but I don't feel like I'm thrashing myself or that I need to.  So anyway, Dave and I went grocery shopping after I got out of work and I feel like we actually have food in the apartment that I can not feel guilty about eating.  My work is beginning The Biggest Loser Challenge this week.  Hopefully, they are going to weigh me in tomorrow and I'm super excited and motivated to shed the now 30 pounds I've gained since college.   Dave went to visit his best friend tonight and his fiance actually bought us the Biggest Loser 6 Weeks to a Healthier You and I'm super excited.  How awesome of Becky!  I miss them.  

Mediocre

I'm super aggravated and frustrated.  I don't want to talk about it but I have to write and this is how I'm feeling at the present so it's hard to think about anything else.  It's time like this when I hate that this is a public forum because I feel like I can't say everything I want but that was my choice.  I can easily switch to a blog that allows me to lock certain posts or I could actually not use this as a personal diary.  I guess you could say my frustration is mainly with myself.  Like with the blog, I'm upset that I'm dealing with certain limitations but really I'm the one who chose those limitations so in the end what am I frustrated about.  Yeah, I'm talking in circles.

Like I said, I'm just frustrated with myself.  I thought I was so meticulous in my planning and I spent hours and hours and hours on this.  I was beginning to think I was good at it but I clearly made a huge oversight and am now having to pay the consequences.  So like so many other things that I thought I could be good at I've clearly misjudged myself.  Instead, I've spent the last forty-five minutes yelling at Dave blaming him for this oversight when really I'm just so upset with myself.  Also, what the heck is my issue blaming Dave?  Seriously, I'm such a pain in the ass.

Whatever.  I keep wanting to find something that feels like I found a niche and I think it's just time for me to realize that I don't have a niche.  I don't have one, I won't have one, and it's time that I just get over being mediocre.  I've always thought I could do something more than be a call center representative.  I thought I had more potential.  But then, who doesn't?  Who aspires to be a customer service representative?  No one that I know.  Everyone always thinks they can do more but in the end that's probably just wishful thinking.  Mediocre.  That's it.  It's time to find some clarity and solace in this.

Life's reminders

I feel badly for my mother.  She was making dinner for us and she burned her finger pretty badly.  It's all swollen and it looks like it's about to blister any moment.  Worse though is the pain she's in.  She kept her fingers in cool water all night (she burned her finger at 3pm) and though she kept trying the ointment we got her specifically for burns the pain was and is just so intense.  She handled it like a trooper all night but I'm worried about her trying to sleep tonight.  I've only ever experienced really minor burns.  Really, I've hardly suffered from a severe sunburn but the tiny burns I have experienced are excruciating so I really, really hope she can sleep tonight.  My poor mom has difficulty sleeping without the pain of a burn.

I hate the phrase, "You know what's the worst? " or "it's the worst when..." because the most ridiculous statements follow those lines like "the worst thing is when you have to stand in line at the post office" or "god, that traffic is the worst." Really, that's the worst?  However, I truly feel like being severely burned is one of the worst things that can happen to a person (or any living creature).  I don't know how the angels who work in the burn units at hospitals do it nevermind, the patients.  The screams and the smells... I can't imagine.  My mom only has a tiny burn on her fingertip but there are poor people who have whole parts of their body.  Just thinking about makes me wish I had the power to take all their pain away and allow them to recover in peace.

It something that stands as a simple reminder to how much worse things good be and how great I've had it.  I really need to be more grateful.

Stepping Forward

We had our first Accountability meeting today and it went awesome!  I think we each narrowed down our long term goals into smaller short term goals.  Overall, we decided to spend approximately 4 hours a week working specifically toward the goals we set for this month.  Next month we will meet again to go over how things went; what worked, what didn't, and the emotions involved.  So yeah, hopefully I'll be getting on the writing train very soon.

In addition, we had a great day in Newburyport.  I really, really love that area.  It's such a New England town with the cute shops, great restaurants and cafes, and the picturesque cobblestone and ocean views.  Really it's one of those place I would love settle down in permanently but it's a bit away of Dave. I really wish he worked in Boston.  At least that would allow us to utilize the trains into the city from all these great towns and it would be far easier than driving back and forth from the multiple locations he has to go to on a daily basis.  Really though, there are a ton of places I would love to settle down in and at the moment I don't think either of us are ready for that yet.

short post

I love getting out of work before 11pm.  It makes such a huge difference.  I am feeling more tired than I normally do but I think it's just a matter of getting used to the new schedule and how busy it can be.  Overall though, I'm liking my new hours.  Next week, I have to see what it will be like to add Wednesdays to the schedule.  Maybe I won't like it so much then.  We'll see.

Before work I went to lunch with my former boss and my former coworker.  All the worries and concerns and hours I spent analyzing how I was going to leave were worth it in the end.  I still have her respect and that's all I wanted.  I wanted things to end properly.  It helps that the people they hired are crazies so my crazy doesn't look as bad.  Lunch was great though.  I'm glad I went despite being slightly anxious.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with my accountability partners (hopefully-we still need to establish an exact time and place but I'll send them texts in the morning).  I'm so very excited for our first meeting!

On the upswing

Super quick post tonight.  Great day today.  I'm sad that I have to go back to work tomorrow but I do need the money.  Anyway, I had a such a wonderful night with Dave tonight.   Actually over the last two nights we've been able to spend some great quality time together.  Maybe it's St. Valentine's influence this week or the new work schedule that has me out a little bit earlier than usual.  Whatever it is, I hope it stays.  In addition, I did a little bit of work on the apartment as well which was nice.  Dave is going to pick up the final items needed for my alcove of an office.  That will be one "room" fully complete hopefully within the next couple of days.  

Anyway, my mood swings are all over the place this week.  Just two days ago I was so down and depressed and anxious.  Tonight on riding high.  Geez, if I'm a manic-depressive in addition to all my other psychological issues I don't know what I'll do.  Hopefully though, it's just hormones.  Turns out, I don't actually have my friend yet but I am expecting her visit any day now.

Follow up

First I need to say, "Happy Birthday Laura!"  My little sister turned a quarter of a century today.  She invited me to go out and play trivia with her tonight but Dave and I already had a belated Valentine's Day date planned so I was unfortunately unable to make it.  I hope she is not too disappointed in me for not going.  Really, I never expected the invite as she normally does her own thing on the anniversary of her birth and I was thrilled to get it.  I did need the time with Dave though after last night so it was probably for the best.

As you all know and as it's clearly evident from last night's post, February is not a good month for me.  Although this year it hasn't been too bad.  I am feeling a lot better since writing my post last night.   I woke up this morning to find that I received my monthly friend so I'm hoping it's just my hormones going wild.  I'll need all the help I can get if/when I get pregnant.  I feel badly for Dave already.  I really do wish I wasn't so unstable.  Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of my meltdown.  Two years ago, I was unable to go to sleep the entire night because I had one panic attack after the other after the other.  By the time Dave woke up that morning I was seriously contemplating checking myself into a psychiatric hospital.  I had heard of panic attacks and had one or two in my life but never like that.  Never without warning.

Since then I've gone by leaps and bounds but I still have these setbacks like yesterday.  I hate that I still do feel responsible.  After Dave read my post he say that he thought it was ironic that after looking at websites to help victims of domestic violence, I found myself justifying his violence all the more.  What is up with that, indeed? Despite all the work I've done with my therapist and by myself, I don't feel like I've made the gains I wanted.  Sure, I'm not have a panic attack everyday or even every couple of months but I still feel so far behind the curve.  Why can't I just let it go?  Why can't I just accept it and move on?

My therapist says that it's probably has to do with the fact that I'm facing the challenge of recreating myself.  She says that right now I'm still grieving the loss of who I could have been.  I feel like I've been destroyed and I'm grieving that loss and I'm angry and I'm not ready to let that go.  Clearly, because when I attempting to find meaning last night, I just fell further back into a downward spiral.  I'm inpatient.  I'm unwilling to just sit in the discomfort of it all.   I want to take action.  I want to actually do something to make it go away.  I kept asking her, "what do I need to do?"  She asked what I already tried to do... planning a wedding, diving into two jobs, putting a ton of effort into a achieving my goals.  They are distractions.

It's the "once I get/have this" syndrome.  Once I'm married, I'll feel whole and complete.  Once I find the right career.  Once I pay back our debts.  Once I stop writing fragmented sentences.  She is right when she says that nothing external will help me.  It's something that needs to come from inside.  I get it.  It's like how I found it impossible to trust myself when I first went to her.  I couldn't trust my feelings or my opinions or even my thoughts.  It was horrible and that didn't heal overnight.  If anything that took two years of me speaking my thoughts and following my desires.  But first, I had to just deal with how uncomfortable it made me feel for quite a long, long time.   I had to deal with the fact that I just didn't know myself at all and take the time to listen to me again.

This is going to take time too.  I'm just so unwilling to wait.  I want it and I want it now.  I don't want to have to recreate myself.  I don't even know where to begin.  Maybe I just have to shut up and listen.  I need to stop trying to force it with thought and action.  Who knows, maybe I will someday be able to become my own master.  I will it was as easily as Aladdin wishing that I could be free.

This post is super depressing and not worth reading

I don't want to write tonight at all.  Possibly because the things on my mind aren't exactly what I want to talk about at the moment.  I had another therapy session today and it was a tough one.  In addition, I also went and looked at some websites regarding domestic violence.   I want to maybe join a group or find a cause that I can get behind. Try and create some semblance of meaning to what happened.  I don't know what happens to me though.  I look on the sites and I read through some of the signs of domestic violence and I begin to feel guilty because I did some of the things listed to him.  Maybe I'm just as much the abuser as the abused.

I'm not an easy person to be with and I know that.  I definitely wasn't a good person to be with when I was with him.  Reading through some of the signs, I can't deny that I inflicted some of that on him.  I yelled at him constantly and said things that were belittling, hurtful, and downright terrible.  To this day, I still ask Dave to send me a text when he gets home or gets to work.  For me, it's to quell the "he might be dead" anxiety that runs through my mind and when I demanded it from Greg it was for the same reason.  I never felt the need to "check up on him" but maybe that was how it was perceived.  I desperately longed for Greg to be someone different and I made that distinctively clear in ways that could be and probably would be considered abusive.

Even my parents expressed concern.  When Dave and I almost broke up a few years ago, my parents remember how I treated Greg and immediately wanted to make sure that wasn't how I was treating Dave.  They witnessed my freak outs at him, the nights I spent screaming and yelling at him through the phone.   They heard many of the cruel and awful things I would say.  Maybe he too is suffering from PTSD from the emotional torment I put him through.  What if he is? Could I have inflicted that much hurt? Did I destroy him as much as he destroyed me?  Did he do what he did as his way of fighting back?  I belittled him, made him feel like he was worthless and a bum so he took control the only way he knew how.  That was his way of forcing his will with a more silent, subversive form of pain.

Yes, I acknowledge that what he did was wrong.  Very wrong.  But my actions, they were wrong too.  I should have never started dating him to begin with.  I didn't want to; I wasn't interested.  I wasn't even really attracted to him.  Something about him made me feel off and I told him so in the most brutal and tactless way even before we started dating.  I told him I wasn't all that interested, that I was still in love with someone else, that if we were to date it wouldn't last because I really wasn't attracted to him or wanted to be with him at all.  I remember having that conversation specifically.  He pursued me anyway.  I think I became a challenge.  I felt guilty saying no.  I didn't want to hurt him so I went along anyway.  Then I don't know what happened but it became imperative that I change him.  Maybe I didn't want him to begin with but he could become that person.   Suddenly it was like that became my challenge and I set out to change him into what I wanted.

It was a lost cause to begin with.  Everyone knows you can't change someone.  You can't make someone be anything that they aren't.  He wasn't stupid.  In fact, I still think he is one of the smartest people I know.  He read me like I was an open book.  He knew how I felt.  I can't even begin to imagine  being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want you.  I started dating him because I felt guilty.  I was afraid to hurt him.  In the end, I hurt him far worse than I could have ever imagined.  There's a part of me that wants to tell him I'm sorry for everything I said but I'm too afraid.  Regardless, I still fear him.  I don't want him anywhere near me.  Not that saying sorry would magically undo all the pain I caused him.  If he were to contact me and apologize, it certainly wouldn't ease anything that I'm going through.

No, instead I have to learn to live with how I treated him as my as I have to learn to how to live with the way he treated me.  You would think that I might find some comfort in the thought of hurting him while we dated but there's zero comfort.  If anything, I feel like it makes everything worse.  I'm purposely delaying, I don't want to use the words, "maybe what happened to me is partly my fault."  I know what that sounds like but really, who am I kidding?  I was not the sweet, soft-spoken, demure little girl who just wanted him to love me and didn't deserve being mistreated at all.  I was a downright bitch to him throughout the majority of our relationship.  I was demanding and mean and I thought I was better than him.  So no, I know how badly it sounds but a part of me still believes it was just his way of trying to deal with me.  If I was that girl who loved him for who he was and not for who I wanted him to be, maybe he wouldn't have felt like he had to do what he did.  Maybe our relationship wouldn't have been about who had the most power and control.

God, I wish I had the non-abusive dysfunctional teenage romance.  Actually, I just wish I never had a teenage romance (if can call what I had a "romance") at all.

Extra Work

I went into work early today to pick up some extra hours and ended up agreeing to a semi-permanent increase in hours.  Really, it's okay though as I do want to make more money.  I'm still under 40 hours (barely) and compared to working the two jobs I'm can't imagine it being that difficult.  I hope not anyway.  My boss is really awesome though.  When she asked me she was completely understanding of the fact that I am looking to move out of a call center environment and that I'm not 100% dedicated to working during the day if I can find something else somewhere else.   On the bright side, this is a trial run.  If I can't stand it or it just doesn't work for me then I can go back to my traditional nights.  So yeah, super excited to make some more money.

It was a long day so I didn't do any work on the apartment when I got home.  Honestly, I haven't done much of anything and I will be going to bed as soon as my episode of The Biggest Loser is over.  Got a therapy appointment tomorrow and then back to work.

Apartment work!

Speed post time.  I can't believe it's almost midnight.  I've been up since 6:30 and haven't napped so I'm surprised by how quickly our evening went by.  We were busy bees though tonight and accomplished a lot of the things we wanted to do yesterday but I was too much of a slug to handle.  Our living room is almost completely done!  We finally hung the shelves we bought over a month ago.  In addition, I went through and organized a few of the many, many boxes piled with more stuff than I even knew we had.  Seriously, how did we accumulate so much in the 2 years that we've been here?  I mean, I shouldn't be that surprised as I continuously shocked myself every time the spring semester ended and I had to pack up my dorm room.

Overall, I'm really happy with the progress made tonight and I can safely say we are about halfway done.   Yes, all this work and we're only about halfway but when I set out to do something I go all out.   It might take me forever to get started or things may sit in a giant mess for months waiting for me to tackle it again and finish what I started but I do eventually get there--most of the time anyway.  There is still a lot to do.  There are four more boxes of stuff sitting in the middle of our kitchen waiting for me to siphon through it and there are two more bags in the hallway.

Not to mention the kitchen which no matter how many times I go through and clean it, it somehow manages to become all cluttered and filthy in such a short time.  We still have to hang smaller shelves in the hallway, complete the bathroom, begin/finish the bedroom, and finish our office space.  Once all that is done I think we will find ourselves quite content and maybe give ourselves a bit of a break (a few months) before tackling the storage unit we have.  I'm hopeful that we may actually get a lot of this completed much sooner than I was beginning to expect from ourselves.  We're halfway there!!

Little steps

I felt like I wasn't able to wake up today.  Even after waking up I felt like I was in a fog.  We scheduled a massage for me on the drive home from Ogunquit for 5pm and we got home around 1:30pm.  Because tonight ends up being an early night for me, I didn't want to take a nap but while I was trying to do other things, I found myself slipping further and further into sleep.  At a certain point Dave came out to talk with me and found me sleeping while sitting up.  He helped me get more comfortable on the couch and came to wake me when it came time to get ready to go for my massage except that I couldn't get up.  I just felt so tired so he cancelled my appointment and I went to bed for at least another hour or so.

On the other hand, I did work on writing for the new blog and I have one and a half posts.  I'm hoping to actually publish something really soon.  Alright, that's enough for today.

Regular day when away

Today is our final day away.   There's a small part of me that is okay with that.  We've enjoyed our time together here.  Really what I am most reluctant to leave here is the overall feeling of relaxation that accompanies us.   I've made comments throughout our time here about how relaxed Dave appears.   Initially, he denies it.  It's true though.  I'm not sure if he is 100% aware of the change but it's subtle and I see it clearly.  His demeanor is different.  He's not as tense as he is when work is looming over him and the other daily stresses.

Even Maui didn't give him this same sort of vibe which has really gotten me thinking.  It's my personality to be constantly on the go when I'm away.  Rarely do  I just relax and just do nothing.  Normally, I come home and my daily routine seems more carefree.  The cliche, needing a vacation from your vacation describes my approach.  My normal motto is that if I can do it at home then why would I waste time doing it while I'm away?  The whole point to being away is to do things that you can't do at home.  Combine that with the mentally of, "what if we never come back here?  We need to do it all now!" and poor I can understand why Dave didn't find Maui as relaxing as these 3 days.

So like I said earlier, I've started thinking about future and potential vacations.  We are hoping to do a Disney trip with my parents during this year's holiday season.  Disney isn't as stressful because I've been there so often that the pressure isn't as intense and I've learned how to navigate the area.  I know when to go to what parks, which rides are worth waiting for, and planning is easy.  Still, rarely do I plan for regular downtime while I'm there and I'm beginning to rethink that.  Will we really be missing out on that much if we spent a few hours by the pool, watching a movie, or playing a card game?   Scheduled downtime will be an adjustment for me but it may be one of those things that offer more reward than sacrifice.

Maine

There's not much to do around here in the middle of the winter but that didn't stop us from having a good time today.  It wasn't too cold considering it's February but there was just nothing open.  This place is hopping during the summer months.  I can only imagine what it's like here for the residents.  If you're a business owner you must love the summer months but if you live down the street, the craziness must drive you insane.  I've never lived in a purely tourist area especially not one with an "off season."  The difference between now and what it will be in June is crazy.

Regardless, we drove around for a while and ended up at the Kittery Outlets where we had a fabulous lunch.  The place was super cute and the food was delicious.  On the way home we stopped at the grocery store and picked up dinner.  Out of all the cool things about this hotel, the best one is the enormous jacuzzi tub in the middle of our bedroom.  It's the reason we chose this place so once we got home we relaxed which led to a wonderful nap.  Now, to enjoy the evening.

Away!

Wow, I really needed this vacation!  Even just this day/night was great.  We slept in, lingered a bit, and arrived here around 6pm.  I got over the apartment being a mess and made sure to leave the apartment dark and cold so that when they come to inspect the place,  they won't want to stay long.  Hopefully it won't be as bad as I am fearing.  Regardless, until now I haven't thought about it and won't think about it until I get back home.

It's amazing just what a change in location does for the spirit.  Dave and I have had such a wonderful evening.  We got a chance to really reconnect and just enjoy each other without the daily stresses weighing us down.  Both of us, I think, would benefit from approaching life and each other that way at home as well.  Of course, that's part of what makes this getaway so special.  It's romantic, fun, and perfect.  Now time to go back to it!

Going away

Tomorrow Dave and I are going away to Ogunquit, ME!  Sure, it's only about an hour away but it will be good to just get away.  Change locations and scenery.  While we are away, our apartment is going to be inspected which makes rather concerned. The apartment isn't in the best of shape and I'm afraid that they are going to quarantine it. I want to go into a cleaning frenzy but it is already so late.  On the other hand, I'm concerned that I won't be able to leave it like this if I know there will be others coming in to look around.  Really, I'm wondering why they want to do it in general.  I feel like that haven't done it in a while so I'm hoping that they aren't going to make a big stink for us nailing things into the walls and whatnot.

Anyway, I'm going to pick up a little bit.  So excited for the next couple of days!

Pieces

The girls and I were talking at work about teaching.  Although I'm the only one with an actual degree in education two of my coworkers are looking to become early childhood teachers.  One has majored in psychology and is looking to teach young children.  She has a preschool license and works with children often.  Another one of my coworkers wants to eventually go back to school and open up her own daycare.  Of course, I know as much as anyone that teaching is severely underrated in what is required; however, both of my coworkers are more than willing to take the necessary classes needed to give the basic knowledge of classroom techniques, teaching, and management.  The more I've learned, the more I realized that you either have the skills, patience, and compassion or you don't.  Not everyone can teach though many people think they can.

Anyway, that was a very opinionated diatribe which some of you will probably disagree with but I'm okay with that.  Really, it was just nice to talk about the different learning styles.  Whole word reading versus phonics and things of that nature.  I miss those conversations.  I miss working with the kids and helping piece together words.  A very large part of me still wonders if I could do it.  I'd like to believe that I could and that it was just one terrible experience that discounted my confidence.  Either way though, my confidence was shattered and I'm still trying to pick up the pieces of my non-teaching self.  I don't have the strength to try and fix that along with everything else.

Speaking of working to piece myself back together again, I had another therapy session.  God, I look forward to the day when therapy isn't a weekly necessity and I can just drop by every month or so to analyze the my general feelings of past weeks.  All of this baggage gets heavy once in a while.  Nevertheless, we did stumble upon some really interesting issues today.  Issues are still affecting me way too much in the present day for me to feel comfortable discussing but they are things for me to thing about and percolate on.  I have another appointment scheduled for next week so hopefully I can do a lot of processing this week and make greater strides at the next session.  I just need to remind myself to be patient.

Just keep swimming

Long day.  I always forget that I wake up at 6:30 on Sundays and wonder why I'm so tired at 11pm.  Perhaps I'd have more energy if it wasn't for the super disappointing Superbowl.   I'm not going to go into it because the feelings are rather raw for my husband.  So with respect to him, that is all I will say on the topic.

We spent the evening at my sister's house and aside from what was on television we had a good night.  Earlier, before the game started we talked about competitiveness.  Somewhere along in the conversation I learned that I was actually a very, very good swimmer.  Super slow but had great technique.  I never knew.  All I knew was that I got to the highest level and there was nowhere for me to go but competition and I was into skating more at the time.  I was hardly 11 when I stopped swimming and it was so long ago.   So that was a new, interesting tidbit I learned about myself.

That will be how I remember today.   I was a good swimmer in my childhood and I'm going to take that to bed with me.

Changing Names

Dave and I finally updated our Facebook statuses so we are officially Mr. and Mrs. D. It's exciting!  Dave's been wanting to do this for a couple of days now but I was reluctant.  I didn't want to do it flippantly.  We've gone this long since our wedding before changing our names on Facebook (we wanted it to be actually official before we made it Facebook official) and I just didn't want to do it quickly and with little thought.  I wanted to enjoy the moment.  I wanted to post a picture from our wedding day as a new profile picture and change to the Timeline format which I actually really like.  

Honestly, that's all I wanted to discuss today. Good night!

Yesterday's appointment

Thinking about my therapy session yesterday, I am having a hard time accepting what we discussed.  Every fiber of my being just longs to be better, to not panic over nothing, to just be normal.  However, despite the significant gains that I've made thus far, I am not better.  I do still get scared for no reason at all.  I obsess over thoughts that I know I shouldn't have.  I feel guilty and get really frustrated.  I close down and detach emotionally.

The difficulty I'm having writing about it now indicates just how strong the discussion had on me.  I actually have an appointment on Monday morning which I'm incredibly grateful for as I'm still really bothered by it.  I don't know how to resolve this issue.  I'm not sure where to go and I need more assistance.  On the more positive side, the techniques she's given me has slowed the thoughts.  I've also  tried to be more compassionate about the thoughts I do have and not get so upset with myself.

It will take time and more therapy but I'm so lucky that I have a wonderful doctor to work with.  I'm slowly coming around to the idea that I need additional assistance.  Like before, I know I will get through this phase and my reluctance to deal with it is just that: reluctance.  It's unpleasant.  I'd rather avoid it but that doesn't solve anything.  I can't go around it.  I have to go through it and I will and I will be stronger for it (hopefully).

Better

Thank goodness for therapy.  It's a nice place to go and just cry for an hour which is basically what I did.     It was something I needed though.  We talked a lot about what was bothering and why it might be bothering.  I figured that I would talk about it more here but I'm not sure if it's because it's late or because I'm tired I just don't feel like going into it.

As far as good news goes, Dave and I went to the bank and had our names changed with them.  We deposited my checks from my past job and ordered checks with our names on it.  This means that we will be able to send the checks into Sallie Mae to begin paying down our debts sooner.  I'm super excited!  We also went to dinner at my parents' house where we began planning for a trip down to Disneyworld again.  I haven't been there with them since I was nine.  It's exciting to be going with them.   More on that later.

Now it's time to sleep.

Tough Day

I had a really tough day today and night last night.  After writing my post last night I struggled to go to sleep.  I kept tossing and turning with thoughts racing through my head.  Despite using many of the techniques I've learned with therapy, it still took me hours to fall asleep.  Finally, I managed to fall asleep but then was woken up only an hour or two later to Dave tossing and turning.  His neck was killing him and after about 45 minutes of trying to go back to sleep, he decided it was best to just wake up.  By this time, I too was awake and felt miserable.  I tried to go back to sleep but I just couldn't.   My thoughts wouldn't slow down long enough to being to dream.  It got to the point where I had to ask Dave for my anti-anxiety pill.

Within a half hour I was asleep and I didn't wake up until 3:30.  I wish I could say that after all that sleep I  felt better but I didn't.  I actually felt a whole lot worse.  This time though it was depression.  I just laid there staring at the ceiling trying to motivate myself to climb out of bed.   When I did get out of bed it didn't last long.  Dave came home and could tell that the past couple of days have been hard on me.  He wanted me to talk about it but I felt guilty about discussing some of the thoughts.  I went into them a bit and then just broke down.

I heard myself saying things like, "I don't feel like a person.  I'm afraid but I don't know why.  I'm angry but I don't know why.  I just want to disappear."  He promised that I could disappear if I promised he could call me back when needed.  He felt so badly for me and I hated that I couldn't explain it.  He let me go back to sleep again and when I woke up I did feel better.  Detached but better.  I think Dave is convinced that something really bad happen at this time of the year because this happens to me like clockwork.  If something did happen, I don't remember it.  It would make sense though.

Thank goodness I have another therapy appointment tomorrow.  I need it.  He cooked me some soup and we played a rousing game of Monopoly and I now feel a whole lot better.  Hopefully, I can say that my freak out for this February has passed.

Tired = super short post

Normally I come home on Tuesdays with a lot of energy because it is like my Friday.  Tonight though, I swear I'm about to pass out from exhaustion.  I don't know where this tiredness is coming from as it's not like I did a lot today before work, I even napped but it's here so I'm going to listen to it.  Thankfully, I do have tomorrow off so I can hopefully rest up and perhaps Dave and I can do something fun.  My sister is sick which is terrible.  I can thank my lucky stars that I'm not sick at least.

Anyway, between my feeling tired and super grumpy I'm going to end this post early.  I would just end up complaining anyway.  Good night.

Rushing my post before bed

We got cute little bedside table lamps as a wedding gift and I love them.  You touch them to turn them on or off and they have the different settings of light.  Right now, I'm typing this post in bed with my lamp on the lowest setting.  I was putting Dave to bed and when I was laying down with him realized that I may want to go to sleep as well despite waking up late today.  Of course, I can't do that without writing first so that's what I'm doing.

Dave's cute though.  Now that he knows I want to go to bed with him he is staying awake playing with his phone until I finish.  He started adding a daily vitamin to my medicine because he has become recently worried that I am going to get sick.  I think I got a very mild case of salmonella (my stomach and I haven't been good friends for the last few days) and it's got him concerned.  Also, I love that he brings me my medicine on a nightly basis now.  Really, I am so lucky that I got him as a husband.  Go me!

Good days

Laura, Ben, Mom, and I went venue shopping earlier today.  I think they might have found their venue!  I'm super excited for them.  It's a big step if they do decide to go with the one that become the favorite today.  Hopefully, once their decision is finalized, they will have a date set.  Then my sister can take a break so she doesn't drive herself crazy during the middle of tax season.  Finding the venue and choosing the date is one of the hardest pieces of wedding planning.

Unfortunately I couldn't stay very long after lunch as I did have to work this evening.  Work was quiet and I found myself clock watching.  It was one of those days where I left feeling like I did just enough to get by.  I haven't had one of those days in a while so I don't know why I feel guilty about but I do.  Despite that though, I actually had an awesome caller who took down my supervisor's email so he could tell her how much I helped him.  That will totally great if he actually does that.

It's late now and I haven't seen Dave all day so I'm going to cut this short and talk with him before going to bed.  I enjoy good days!

Lazy Saturdays

I've finally begun my second post for the other blog I'm writing.   Last week I promised that I would have it by the middle of this most recent week but hasn't quite happened yet.  At the moment, it's just two paragraphs that haven't been edited it.  My hope is to at least finish it before discarding it entirely and trying to rewrite it.  Otherwise, it's been a quite day.  Dave and I intended to go skating again today but he's on call this weekend and work called him 3 or 4 times after we went to bed.

Instead, we spent our afternoon in bed.  Him napping trying to catch up on his sleep and me just next to him listening to his heartbeat and his sleeping breathing.  I don't spend enough time doing something that simple.  A relationship doesn't need giant romantic gestures or far away adventures to continue to grow.  I would argue that a long conversation over dinner that continues through the evening or something as simple as just being with the other person when they are their most boring is what deepens a relationship.  We had a good time today even without the ice skating or the apartment projects originally planned.

Tomorrow unfortunately, we will not be spending a lot of time together.  I switched my shift with one of my amazing coworkers so that Laura and I could go visit two of her favorite wedding venues.  She called me and wanted my opinion which is really, really cool.  I'm super excited to go meet her tomorrow.  The downside is that I now have to work until 11pm instead.  Ah well.  It's worth it to hang out with my sister tomorrow.

Finance

Alright, it's 3am and I need to write something before going to bed.  I realized looking at the first line of many of my posts that I start the majority of posts like this.  It appears that I don't want to write much of the time and end up doing it anyway.  I just want to keep the habit intact.  I guess it's like working out.  You have to keep doing it because once you stop, it's so easy to begin again and stop.

On another note, I took a look at our finances again tonight.  We've been more relaxed with them recently especially with all the apartment stuff that we've been doing.  I mean, we're not going crazy but these past two months we've spent more than we realized.  Oddly enough, placing all your charges on a credit card for you to pay down that the end of the month is illuminating.  When you are just paying bills and spending money on food and other things through your checking account or debit card, you just get used to expecting a certain amount as a maximum in that accounts as funds a continuously debited and credited to it.  However, when just about every bill goes onto the credit card, you just see the bill get larger and larger.  With the funds moving back and forth, you don't realize just how much you are spend a month.  However, at the end of the month when the credit card statement cycles, it provides a solid large figure of your monthly expenditures.

Despite my vigilant tracking, I still didn't take into consideration everything.  So these past two months I've learned even more.

Escapism

It's that time of the year again.  The time that I stuck researching potential escape destinations.  My wanderlust kicks into overdrive during these short, cold days.  Something about being shut in and whatnot. I've tried to remember that Dave and I are planning a cheap Maine getaway in just a couple of weeks but that doesn't get us away from the heavy clothing, cold air, and the short days.  I want to strip away the layers and go swimming in the sea.  Some find winter cozy and comfortable and there are many days that I agree.  However, there are also as many days where I just feel confined and stifling.  One of these days, I will become accustomed to this season.  I will and I must because the idea of my moving permanently away from here is becoming less and less realistic.

I know I'm just at the very, very beginning of my life as an adult but is it bad that I'm already looking forward to retirement.  Of course, I'm not looking that forward to it as I still quite a long life to live prior to that.  Hopefully, Dave and I will both be around and together come the time we retire.  Seriously, the idea that he may not be in my life 45 years from now is terrifying.  Looking forward with a positive attitude though, I really can't wait until the two of us are old enough to not have to work.  My hope is that we will have save enough money to do the New Englander's dream: spend May to January here and then fly to Florida from January to May.  Get away from the snow and the ice that could cause easily break our already fragile bones.  

There are many times that I really wish that I could get away for just one winter.  When I went to Costa Rica and I heard so many people tell me how much they wish they could see snow.  Listening to twenty-forty year old adults say that they've never seen snow just blew me away.  I've never not known snow.  When I came home for that winter, I must say that I greatly appreciated and actually embraced the snow. Sometimes I wonder if I really would miss it if I went an entire year without it.  If all I knew was the same old 40-80 degree temperatures, would I get bored?  Would I find myself longing to come home?  I really don't know.

Of course, moving to an area with no winter would bring me terribly far away from those I care most about.  I am super close to my family and I wouldn't want to be far from them for an extended period of time.  A huge part of me wishes I was rich enough to move everyone out to San Diego for a couple of years.  I just want to know what that's like.  I mean, almost perfect weather almost all year round?  It seems downright impossible.  I know a few people who have traveled here after living there and they love the variety that New England offers.  Sometimes the old adage is true: you don't know what you have until it's no longer there.

I must admit.  Dave is a huge weakness for me.  Despite all my griping about the area, it really doesn't matter.  I could leave anytime I wanted to but I will not and have absolute zero desire to be without him for more than a couple of days.  Even that seems like it would be far too long.  My week in Paris felt like ages without him.  I never in a million years would have seen this coming but I wouldn't trade him in for the whole world.  I long to see the world.  However, if I have to stay in Massachusetts for decades and then die I won't care, so long as he's here with me.  Yeah, I know.  I'm cheesy and corny but I'm a newlywed.  It's might right and privilege.

Criminal Psychology

I find criminal psychology fascinating.  It's really bizarre but there are many other there who share my interest.  There's an entire television station dedicated to crimes.  Shows like Criminal Minds, Dexter, and Law and Order Criminal Intent are massive hits.  It's clear that other people have find this of likewise intrigue.  Watching the premier of the show Dark Minds, where they use a serial killer to help find other serial killers (Silence of the Lambs anyone?) and I realized that I understood something before it was revealed.

The show reflects many murders happening in the New England where the killer seems to use stabbing as a signature.  One of the first comments was how it was unusual for the victims to not have the sexual assault.  However, I found myself saying out loud, "well that's what the knife is for."  Of course, not more than ten minutes into the show they feature the convicted serial killer stating that stabbing is the act of penetration itself.  Maybe it was something obvious.  Maybe in my brief description, my far more intuitive friends were able to pick up on that without the obsessive interest in criminal psychology.  For me, I find that I continue to surprise myself by what I know about sexual sadists and other aspects.

My therapist, after realizing that limiting my exposure might not be what I need, suggested a book written by one of the most prolific criminal psychologists out there.  She asked why I was bothered by my intrigue.  I couldn't answer the question.  I still can't answer the question but I feel like it's something I need to work on.  What am I looking for?  Is this something that I just find interesting, the way some people find computers, cars, fashions, or sports interesting?  Perhaps she's right.  Maybe I should stop trying to discourage this interest.  I don't know.   This is a step for me though.  I'm going to stop criticizing myself for finding this interesting because it's not like I don't find it terrifying as well.

This will be something I bring at my next appointment.

Filler

Lots of stuff happened today but I'm not in the mood to go into it.  In fact, I'm waiting for Dave so we can watch the show Shark Tank together so really I'm just writing filler until he gets here.  My post last night turned out not to be so bad so I don't mind it so much.  Really what I need to start doing is begin writing for real.  You know, actually just sit down and compose something.  It doesn't even have to be good; it just needs to be more than what I'm doing now which is, "oh, it's time to scribble something/anything onto paper so I can I call it writing for the day."  Sure, sometimes that works out and ends up being far more insightful than I every planned but it's not serious or real writing.

Okay, so Dabey is here and that is my cue to stop writing so we can snuggle.  Bye!

Self-made billionaires

I'm writing now because I don't particularly want to and I doubt that will change in 40 or 60 minutes.  While I'm at work, I think of all the things I want to do once I get home.  Then I come home and I either don't remember half of them or don't feel like doing it.  I end up just sitting on the computer looking at Pinterest and sometimes Facebook.  The next night I'm at work and I remember all of the things I want to do.  I'm in that position now.  I was talking to Dave and I was thinking about the things I wanted to look up or research.  Then I sat down on the couch and I no longer remembered any of it.  So I've decided to write while watching a 20/20 special on Billionaires.

They just mentioned that most self-made billionaires are risk takers who know how to respond to failure. Just those two characteristics made me realize that my road to being a self made billionaire will be practically impossible.  I'm am not a risk taker and I definitely do not handle failure very well.  Of course, I have no real desire is to be a billionaire at all; however, I have a very strong desire to be self-made financially independent.  I want to be able to retire comfortably and I want to not have to worry about money in my life.

Right now, I'm watching a woman who buys failing companies and restructures them to profitable empires.  She is not what you would think of as a billionaire.  Her clothing is very provocative and she embodies what one might describe as trashy.  She is the second businesswoman who isn't afraid to "be a woman" I've heard of in the past two days.  Yesterday on NPR, they were interviewing a woman who is an extremely successful entrepreneur who is one of the judges on the show Shark Tank.  When asked what it was like to be a women in an industry of men she said that she used it as a good thing.  She said that she used to always wear mini-skirts and red power suits because she knew that it was important to be remembered and she didn't care if she was remembered as "the woman" or the "slut" or whatever name she might be called.  She said that men need to work so much harder to be remembered.  

"Successful people do all the things all unsuccessful people don't want to do." That's a quote from the man who launched the Paul Mitchell hair line.  He talked about how you may go to 50 doors and have 50 doors slammed in your face.  However, it is extremely important to be just as enthusiastic on door 51 as door 1.  I personally believe that.  So yeah, I guess I'm really need to continue to do that.

Entry from my iPhone

This will be a very quick post for two reasons. The first reason being that I am writing in between sleep. I went to bed super early tonight so I awoke for this sole purpose. The second reason being that I am writing this from my iPhone. For some people writing with their smart phones is just as easy as a computer. My little cousin actually told me how she wrote one of her papers with her phone. I don't even know how she could do that but maybe that's just a reflection of my age. I grew up with a cell phone; however at the time it was so basic that texting wasn't a feature I could enjoy. Now it's like having a computer in the palm of your hand. I must admit that I don't regret surrendering to the smartphone technology. For years I resisted and only bought one because the non smartphone devices leave a lot to be desired as far as basic design goes. Anyway, watching Jamie with her iphone while in Paris solidified my decision. And just over a year later I bought one of my own. Dave even convinced me to get the new one with Siri and I'm glad I did as I use her all the time now.

Guess what? That's going to be it for the night. Yay for lowering my selfimposed writing requirements.

Appreciation

For whatever reason, I sat here and stared at the blank screen for a bit before I began typing.  It's been a while since I've done that.  Writing on a daily basis is habit forming just like anything else and I'm really happy that I've developed this habit.  A friend of mine wrote me a motivating Facebook message that she posted on my wall asking for more entries for my new blog.  I keep thinking about it but I haven't sat down and written anything yet.   Seriously she is one of the sweetest people I knew.  How grateful I am to her for her kind words of encouragement!  Once I write the second post, I'll have to send her something thanking her.

There are very few people who inspire me the way she does.  There was a time that I couldn't imagine her being unhappy.  She is one of those types of people who has the uncanny ability to befriend anyone she meets, lives life with such enthusiasm, and always seems to have a smile on her face.  Of course, I am well aware that looks are deceiving.  However, it wasn't until we met up again at another friend's housewarming party that she opened up to me a bit more and it was revealing.  After leaving I not only admired her but also related to her as well.  I understood.  I had similar if not identical feelings.  Since that party many of her wishes at the time are working out for her and I really couldn't be happier for her.  Because of our busy lifestyles, we don't see each other as often as I would like.  Hopefully, it will change.

In addition, another close of friend of mine began her own blog today.  I don't want to give out details as I don't know if she's had the chance to get the word out and I don't want to steal her new blogging thunder.  Once she does let out the word, I hope that you get the chance to read it.  She is one of the most thoughtful people I know and her first two posts were wonderful.

I know I've said this before but I am so incredibly lucky.  Despite my constant seeking to improve it, I am truly satisfied with everything I have now.  The people in my life are great, the opportunities that are ahead of me are more than I could ever ask for, and I have more things than I need.  What more can I ask for but to continue to do what I can to deserve it?

34th Annual Kennedy Center Honors

Wow.  I almost forgot to write again tonight.  Thankfully Dave reminded me before I headed off to bed.  After work tonight we stayed up late and watched The Kennedy Center Honors.  I had recorded it a while ago and I just felt like tonight was as good of a night to watch it as any.  They honored Meryl Streep, Yo-Yo Ma, Sonny Rollins, Neil Diamond, and Barbara Cook.  What an inspiring two hours!  I was in tears by the end of it.  The stories of the honorees' lives and how their tributes were represented were incredible.

I learned that Meryl Streep's first and most difficult role was in high school when she envisioned the person she wanted to be and sought to embody her.  Ann Hathaway gave a musical tribute to her with a full song and dance number.  I'm ashamed to admit that I had never heard of Sonny Rollins.  Bill Cosby talked about how he is known across the world, yet I didn't know him at all.  He is an 80 jazz musician who brought the tenor saxophone to life over the past 60 years.  Barbara Cook, the incredible Broadway singer, was also honored.  Glenn Close, among many other talented sopranos sang a beautiful collaboration of her many songs.  Red Sox fans were featured in Neil Diamond's tribute with Sweet Caroline which I thought was the perfect touch.  But it was Yo-Yo Ma's tribute that brought tears to my eyes.  There's something about that man's charisma, his humbleness, his love of music that just takes my breath away.  In his video biography they show him traveling the world embracing and collaborating with musical styles so wildly diverse from the cello.  His tribute brought together many different styles conducted by the brilliant John Williams with "Here Comes the Sun" by James Taylor.

The two hour special was filled with such moving accolades and musical performances.   The president and his wife sat alongside the honorees, interacted with them, and seemed to thoroughly enjoy the night.  However, it was the expressions of those being honored as they watched what was crafted specially for them.  The look in their eyes as they listened to the words and the music from colleagues and friends.  Given more time, I might be able to better articulate watching this entire special but it's just after 4am and I must go to bed.  What a wonderful thing to fall asleep thinking about.

Points and Projects

Sometimes certain website interfaces are annoying.  Apparently video games don't work either because I just overheard Dave cussing it out.  Maybe it's just one of those moments when things just want to bother us.  He's continuing to swear at his and I'm still silently cursing the one I'm trying to work on.  To quote Dave, "Why won't this work?!!"  Sigh, I don't want to give up on it because it's already long past due but this is just plain frustrating.  It's just told me that the plug in has become unresponsive again.  WTF?  Ah well, I'll just keep plugging away at it.

Dave and I did get to spend some quality time together today though.  The person he was supposed to train today had to reschedule so he was able to take a personal day.  We also were able to plan a relatively inexpensive getaway for February.  I'm really excited about it.  I continued to look online for different things for our apartment.  What we realized is that we earn so many more points on our credit card if we simply make the purchases online rather than in the store.  The two of us decided that we eventually would like our points to pay for us to go on a Mediterranean Cruise with our points.  Sadly, something like that is super expensive but in the last year, we've already earned almost $1,000 in points.  So it's totally doable.  A Mediterranean Cruise is a dream of mine.  How cool would it be to go for free?

Thing is, we are buying items and spending money on things we would pay for anyway.  With this card and earning points that don't expire, each thing we purchase actually gives us more money toward our cruise.  So yeah, we're looking at making our purchases at stores that earn us 4-20 points per dollar we spend to earn them quickly.  Oddly enough, it will actually help me stay within budget.  Shopping at Kohls earns us 10 points per dollar, JCPenney 6 points per dollar, and the majority of big point stores are more budget friendly.  So yeah, so reason to look at Anthrolopogie this year.  My clothing with be bought at the cheaper department stores. Even the annoying project from about will be worth 4 points per dollar.    So yeah, super excited!

Blegh titles

It's only 10pm but I'm already exhausted.  I tried to maneuver by many, many books into a couple of bookshelves but can't seem to fit them all.  I'm going to have to go through more of them and determine if I actually want to keep them all.  There are some that I know I won't reread or recommend to friends.  Really, why else would I keep a book otherwise?  So, I may be donating more books to the local library or nearby used bookstore.  However, I'm content to just leave them lying on the floor right now.  Overall though, I am happy with things as they are at the moment.  I'm just really tired and don't want to do much more than play on my laptop right now.

In other good news, Katie and I got together earlier today.  We went out for a mid-afternoon lunch and just sat and chatted for a while.  It was really nice to see her and just talk with her about many different things.  I don't get to see her or any of my friends often enough.  I had so much more to say but they've escaped from my brain at the moment.  I'm going to go chill.

My husband

I love my husband.  The other night, as I was falling asleep I thought, "you know, so many girls long for the love they read about in novels.  I've found a love that's so much more than anything I've read."  I'm so incredibly lucky.  Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve finding such an incredible man.  When I came home tonight, I found myself wishing that he wouldn't go to work tomorrow.  Of course, I know he must but I just want him all for myself.  I want us to be together all day, everyday.  It's strange.  These kinds of feelings are supposed to subside after 4 years.  Sure, we've only been married a few months but we've been together for quite a while.  How incredible that I still feel this way.  

I do just want to hole up with him for a while.  It's strange because I've never really felt this way before.  It's like I want to go away again and just have him all to myself again.  I love our friends and family but I want just him all day and all night.  I don't want to let him go.  I don't want him to leave me.  It seems very clingy but I don't ever care.  Really, in the end, it isn't clingy at all.  Wanting him with me all the time is just that, a want.  I don't need him; I just want him.  He makes me happy when he's with me.  I feel like I can do more than I dreamed.   I just love him so much. 

Apartment Work

Dave and I didn't get as much done on the apartment as I would have liked today though some progress was made.  I woke up super late.  Going nonstop yesterday certainly has its side effects. We did get to IKEA and spent a lot of money but luckily I had enough gift cards that it basically cut our total in half.  It was nice going in there today with only a basic need for inspiration as we already have a pretty good idea of what we want for the place.  When we came home Dave spent a good amount of time hammering and drilling so that we have a few of the pieces we bought up.  I spent the evening on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor.  Somehow though, despite all of our work I feel like I'm going to bed with an even bigger mess on our hands.

Yes, I know these things (complete apartment overhauls) take time but I'm feeling rather impatient.  I want it done and I want done now.  Currently Dave is yelling at our new light fixture so clearly he's frustrated as well.  I know we'll get through it and that every small step we take brings us closer to our end goal.  I just have to keep reminding myself of that.   Right now though I'm exhausted.  I think that Dave is too.   It's only 11 but we both have to work tomorrow and I do want to wake up and get a bit more done before I head in.  I'm not used to having my days back.  I keep looking at the week and wondering how I'm going to fit it all in but then I remember that I don't have to work on Wednesday or Thursday and I feel a bit better.

Alright, I'm going to go and try and relax.  Possibly read for a bit.  Dave is going to be building our second set of shelves and then I hope that he takes a break as well.  If he does that tonight then I will definitely have plenty to occupy my time tomorrow. I won't be able to say that we didn't do enough for tomorrow so I have no excuse.  It's just a matter of overcoming my general laziness.  

Weddings and Disney movies

Quick post tonight because it's super late.  I only got home a little over an hour ago as I went to my parents after work today.  We discussed my sister's upcoming wedding and I told everyone about the ideas that Katie had and they loved them.  I love that Katie can make just about anything classy so she was able to take the initial idea that we had and totally run with it.  Laura is at that wedding planning stage where she wants to do everything from photo booths to fireworks.  Of course practicality will force certain decisions to be made but this is still the fun contemplation stage where just about anything goes.   It's part of the reason I like having a theme.  It helps to focus your ideas.  As the theme takes form it helps to narrow down your thoughts.  For example, renting a photo booth for 4 hours suddenly didn't seem to fit into the shape of my rustic themed wedding despite the fact that I loved the idea when I first saw it.  Neither did fireworks (and I adore fireworks).  So, we have to allow her to contemplate and see what Ben and her really like away from the many ideas thrown out by family (or just me).

Jamie also stopped by and the three of us went to go see Beauty and the Beast in 3D.  I don't know how I feel about the whole 3D craze but I really am enjoying the movies from my childhood coming back to the big screen.  I love watching movies on the big screen in the theater.  Sure the movie is the same when it comes out of DVD but it just never seems to have that all encompassing effect that being immersed in a theater provides.  It's really cool to see these movies on the big screen because I was so little when they initially were released.  Many of these movies I was too young to see in the theater so it's really a first for me.  It's kind of strange seeing a movie that you've already watched a million times on the big screen.  I like it.  It's also really cool watching these movies influence a whole new generation of small children.  I love it actually in the way I love how one good book passes through the fingers of the many who borrow it from the original owner.  

After the movie, my dad helped me pack the remaining wedding gifts.  I decided it was finally time to find a home and begin to actually use the wonderful items people gave us.  Over the past few months, I've been thinking a lot about how I wanted to decorate this place.  It overwhelmed me at first but as time progressed a picture became more and more clear.  When I got home at almost 1 am, I finally told Dave some of what I have been envisioning.  Hopefully we'll be able to take a trip to IKEA tomorrow and possibly Bed, Bath, and Beyond to make the purchases.  I really want to make at least a little bit of progress of the place on our day off.  I'm totally motivated by our recent work and I don't want to lose it.

Anyway, we have a busy day ahead tomorrow so I'm going to go get some rest.

According to Plan

I enjoy days that go exactly as you hope they would.  Despite going to bed super late night, I actually woke up at 8am not long after Dave left for work.  I was able to empty the dishwasher, complete two more loads of laundry, and managed to empty a few of the giant boxes filled with stuff to sort through later.  We still have some things lingering from the wedding and the honeymoon that we need to sort and organize.  We've really made some decent progress thus far.  Hopefully by the end of the holiday weekend, we'll be have completed a few rooms.  It's exciting actually.

Dave also got lucky and was able to get out of work around 11ish which allowed us drive to Framingham together.  We were originally going to meet at the college when he got out of work but we didn't have to so that was super awesome.  We showed Brian around the campus and talked about his plans.   Afterward we took him to Five Guys and when we were finished eating I handed him the application and had him complete it while we sat there.  I figured it was harder to make excuses to your cousin than a guidance counselor or parents who are pushing it.  He's got that out of the way now so he won't have to worry about it.  He's such a good kid.  Both Dave and I want to hang out with him just regularly.  It's kind of cool that they are at an age that I don't feel like they are too young to hang out with my crowd.  Yes, the age difference is still the same but 22 and 12 is very different than 27 and 17.

Skating was also a really good time.  I forget how much I miss it.  Dave also enjoys just watching me skate around the rink.  It's flattering.  I don't have to do anything special.  No jumps, no spins, no wacky footwork.  Just my skating around is impressive to him.  It's really cool.  We didn't skate very long, only about a half hour, but even the little bit we did made me feel so good about myself.  I felt refreshed and energized in a way I haven't before.  I don't think I've ever been admired like that before for doing something so natural for me.  It was wonderful.

Dinner also was a perfect way to end out night out together.   We had lovely time with Thom and Laura.  Dave feels really comfortable with Thom, something kind of unusual for Dave but I accredit that to Thom's charisma.  He just knows how to make people feel comfortable and that's such a rare quality.  Laura and I were also able to have quite an interesting conversation.  I only really knew how much Thom liked her but didn't know much about who she is at all.  It was so awesome of them to come to Worcester to see us.  They were coming from Manchester and it would actually be easier for them to come to Woburn.

Now, we are watching what is so far quite a good football game.  The second half just started so I don't want to jinx anything but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they don't give up this incredible lead.