Tough Day

I had a really tough day today and night last night.  After writing my post last night I struggled to go to sleep.  I kept tossing and turning with thoughts racing through my head.  Despite using many of the techniques I've learned with therapy, it still took me hours to fall asleep.  Finally, I managed to fall asleep but then was woken up only an hour or two later to Dave tossing and turning.  His neck was killing him and after about 45 minutes of trying to go back to sleep, he decided it was best to just wake up.  By this time, I too was awake and felt miserable.  I tried to go back to sleep but I just couldn't.   My thoughts wouldn't slow down long enough to being to dream.  It got to the point where I had to ask Dave for my anti-anxiety pill.

Within a half hour I was asleep and I didn't wake up until 3:30.  I wish I could say that after all that sleep I  felt better but I didn't.  I actually felt a whole lot worse.  This time though it was depression.  I just laid there staring at the ceiling trying to motivate myself to climb out of bed.   When I did get out of bed it didn't last long.  Dave came home and could tell that the past couple of days have been hard on me.  He wanted me to talk about it but I felt guilty about discussing some of the thoughts.  I went into them a bit and then just broke down.

I heard myself saying things like, "I don't feel like a person.  I'm afraid but I don't know why.  I'm angry but I don't know why.  I just want to disappear."  He promised that I could disappear if I promised he could call me back when needed.  He felt so badly for me and I hated that I couldn't explain it.  He let me go back to sleep again and when I woke up I did feel better.  Detached but better.  I think Dave is convinced that something really bad happen at this time of the year because this happens to me like clockwork.  If something did happen, I don't remember it.  It would make sense though.

Thank goodness I have another therapy appointment tomorrow.  I need it.  He cooked me some soup and we played a rousing game of Monopoly and I now feel a whole lot better.  Hopefully, I can say that my freak out for this February has passed.