Follow up

First I need to say, "Happy Birthday Laura!"  My little sister turned a quarter of a century today.  She invited me to go out and play trivia with her tonight but Dave and I already had a belated Valentine's Day date planned so I was unfortunately unable to make it.  I hope she is not too disappointed in me for not going.  Really, I never expected the invite as she normally does her own thing on the anniversary of her birth and I was thrilled to get it.  I did need the time with Dave though after last night so it was probably for the best.

As you all know and as it's clearly evident from last night's post, February is not a good month for me.  Although this year it hasn't been too bad.  I am feeling a lot better since writing my post last night.   I woke up this morning to find that I received my monthly friend so I'm hoping it's just my hormones going wild.  I'll need all the help I can get if/when I get pregnant.  I feel badly for Dave already.  I really do wish I wasn't so unstable.  Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of my meltdown.  Two years ago, I was unable to go to sleep the entire night because I had one panic attack after the other after the other.  By the time Dave woke up that morning I was seriously contemplating checking myself into a psychiatric hospital.  I had heard of panic attacks and had one or two in my life but never like that.  Never without warning.

Since then I've gone by leaps and bounds but I still have these setbacks like yesterday.  I hate that I still do feel responsible.  After Dave read my post he say that he thought it was ironic that after looking at websites to help victims of domestic violence, I found myself justifying his violence all the more.  What is up with that, indeed? Despite all the work I've done with my therapist and by myself, I don't feel like I've made the gains I wanted.  Sure, I'm not have a panic attack everyday or even every couple of months but I still feel so far behind the curve.  Why can't I just let it go?  Why can't I just accept it and move on?

My therapist says that it's probably has to do with the fact that I'm facing the challenge of recreating myself.  She says that right now I'm still grieving the loss of who I could have been.  I feel like I've been destroyed and I'm grieving that loss and I'm angry and I'm not ready to let that go.  Clearly, because when I attempting to find meaning last night, I just fell further back into a downward spiral.  I'm inpatient.  I'm unwilling to just sit in the discomfort of it all.   I want to take action.  I want to actually do something to make it go away.  I kept asking her, "what do I need to do?"  She asked what I already tried to do... planning a wedding, diving into two jobs, putting a ton of effort into a achieving my goals.  They are distractions.

It's the "once I get/have this" syndrome.  Once I'm married, I'll feel whole and complete.  Once I find the right career.  Once I pay back our debts.  Once I stop writing fragmented sentences.  She is right when she says that nothing external will help me.  It's something that needs to come from inside.  I get it.  It's like how I found it impossible to trust myself when I first went to her.  I couldn't trust my feelings or my opinions or even my thoughts.  It was horrible and that didn't heal overnight.  If anything that took two years of me speaking my thoughts and following my desires.  But first, I had to just deal with how uncomfortable it made me feel for quite a long, long time.   I had to deal with the fact that I just didn't know myself at all and take the time to listen to me again.

This is going to take time too.  I'm just so unwilling to wait.  I want it and I want it now.  I don't want to have to recreate myself.  I don't even know where to begin.  Maybe I just have to shut up and listen.  I need to stop trying to force it with thought and action.  Who knows, maybe I will someday be able to become my own master.  I will it was as easily as Aladdin wishing that I could be free.