This blog is for me

This blog is craving more creative writing excerpts.  I want to write more but I've been so entirely self consumed that the desire to write about my thoughts and feelings have pervaded.  Honestly though, I'm not upset about that.  Sure the last thing I really wanted was for this blog to become just another one of many personal online journals but it's not really about what I want right now.  It's about what I need.  I keep thinking about how much writing here has helped me figure some things out about myself.  All I had to do was relax and let my fingers type without too much thinking.  It's really provided me with some fabulous insight about myself that I wasn't aware of and I think it's helping me discuss the really personal issues that are too difficult to talk about at first.

It's strange when all this began over a year ago.  I had to talk about everything to Dave.  Every little bit of anxiety and every bit of support I relied on him to receive and respond.  Honestly, it was far too much to ask of any one person but he embraced it without a single solitary complaint.  Recently, he's been asking me what's been bothering me.  Normally, I would gush about whatever it was that was bothering;  hearing my woes and his comfort provided me with more solace than I could provide myself at the time.  Now, however, it's been different.  Maybe it's because what's bothering me now is far deeper.  It's no longer the memories of my traumatic relationship but now it's the feelings that the experience implanted in me long ago that have pervaded my world for the past ten years.

What's bothering me now are what Edmund J. Bourne, author of  The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, would call "Mistaken Beliefs."  I read this book from cover to cover not long after beginning my therapy sessions over a year ago to my immense satisfaction.  It helped me realize that my panic attacks did mean I was a crazy person though at times I still feel like I am.  I used to think that my anxiety was entirely incapacitating until I read about how some people have a phobia of grocery stores.  The detailed steps on how to help overcome that phobia made me realize that it was something that I too could overcome.  Though the initial part of the book focuses on handling panic attacks, the rest of the book is really helpful for anyone experiencing an type of anxiety and depression.

For example, one does not have to be abused to have a whole list of "Mistaken Beliefs."  Mistaken beliefs are more than just casual worries, "I'm afraid I won't be good enough" or "what if they don't like me."  These are deep seated beliefs that you are not good enough and they won't like me and it doesn't matter what I do.  It's just a fact.  My belief that I don't deserve to be happy and that all the good things in my life are really just mistakes are examples of my own mistaken beliefs.  "If things are going well, watch out!"  or "If I don't worry, the something bad will definitely happen" are some more of mine.

In his book, he has a questionaire where he gives a examples of common mistaken beliefs and asks you to rate them.  When I first took it, I score high on all counts.  I've still scored high on four out of the six areas but that's still an improvement.  It means that I've somehow figure out how to counter and change some of my old mistaken beliefs.  Maybe in my next post, I'll look at a couple and try and use his techniques to counter some of my beliefs using his five questions and positive affirmations.  Or maybe I won't.  I don't know, I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Overall though, writing here in this blog everyday has helped me to see things like some of my, "mistaken beliefs" and given me a jump off spot for many therapy sessions.  Sure, I didn't want this to be a blog about me and my feelings but I'm glad of kind that it's become that in a way.  I feel a bit sorry for my readers because there's really nothing more dull than someone going on and on about themselves but I didn't begin writing this to get a following.  I began writing this for me.  I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised that this blog ends up being mostly about me.  There's also a time, I'm sure, when I'll have forgotten about this time in my life and won't it be cool to read what I've written now, then.