You're so much better at giving advice than listening to it. That's really a problem since you tend to give advice so freely. Where's the wisdom in telling someone to stop smoking as you take a nice long drag of your cigarette? More than anything you especially need to take your own advice. Yes, I get it. It's far easier to give advice to someone else about their problems than to apply what you say to your own problems. So tonight, I am writing you this letter as if you were someone else because as you told your dear friend earlier; it's sometimes better coming from yourself than a stranger.
First things first. Cut yourself some damn slack and stop being so serious all the time. You spent a good portion of today ranting and raving about politics and you know that only really happens when you decide to take your rage and confusion and throw it at people and ideas that you have absolutely zero control over. Yes, it may temporarily make you feel better thinking about how moronic other people can be but that's not really what this is about now, is it? Hey, it's okay to get angry at yourself and at what happened every once in a while but at least own that. It sucks that you had to go through all of it then and it sucks that you have to deal with it all now. You didn't deserve that and you didn't ask for it. Don't look at me like that; allowing something to happen doesn't me you wanted it or that it was okay. We've gone over this many times but clearly you need to hear it again. Also, it's okay to get mad at yourself for whatever part you played during that time. You feel like you betrayed yourself back then and that you didn't do enough to protect yourself. It hurts, it's frustrating, how can you trust you to protect yourself now when you couldn't then? Go ahead, stamp your feet, scream into a pillow, throw raw eggs into the bathtub (you still haven't tried that one, yet).
Really go do that and once your done doing that and you've calmed down then please continue to read. There's nothing like a good solid outpour of emotion to help clear your head. Anyway, first allow me to address those feelings you have about yourself. I'm not your therapist or your mom or your friend, these words are coming from somewhere within you, so please keep that in mind that I was there too when everything went down. There was only so much you could do back then and honestly, you put up a pretty good fight. You didn't do this to yourself. He did. He was calculating and manipulative and he knew how to wear you down. I know you don't want to hear this but he knew what he was doing. I get that you don't want to villainize him but you need to distinguish between what you actually did and what he did. How can you protect yourself now? Keep learning. You didn't even realize what was happening to you back then; you didn't recognize the cycle of abuse but you know it now. It's hard to fight when you're blindfolded and can't see where the next attack would come from. When reading your book, one of the factors that normally prevented Post Traumatic Stress was the knowledge of what was happening and how you might feel. You lacked all that knowledge so please, stop thinking you could've done more.
You couldn't look your friend in the eye today when she discussed what you are dealing with but I know you heard her. Last year when you began to piece together just how bad all of this was and how it has continued to negatively affect other completely unrelated parts of your life, you first heard the word victim applied to you. You heard that you were victimized as you took that in along with everything else that happened, the term seemed to stick. As you continued to share your story, that word victim became more than just a word but a personality trait and eventually something that defined who you were. You've come a really long way since last year. I know that it doesn't seem that way at times but when you really think about it, you've progressed by leaps and bounds. When was the last time you found yourself sobbing uncontrollably on the floor? Do you even remember? That was once part of your daily life and now you can't remember the last time it happened. That's huge. You are ready to take on this word "victim" now. That is not a word that defines who you are today nor did it define who you were then. It really just was another outfit you wore as you felt your way through your teens. Not, it's not something that all teenagers have to wear but you did and now you can officially take it off and put it away.
I can hear what you are thinking (yeah, I'm in your brain too and it's much harder to hide from me). Yes, this means that you were not perfect. At a time when you were very vulnerable someone came and took advantage of you and you were too naive to see it then. Please remember though that no one is perfect. We all carry our share of burdens and regrets from the past. You didn't fail yourself by not knowing. You're not proud of everything you done or haven't done in your life but I think you might find it difficult to find someone who thinks that everything they did was what was best for them. It's time that you really look at what was in your control and forgive yourself for everything that wasn't. There is so much more that I would like to tell you to reinforce because I know that you've heard it all before. Though you may not see how now, these words will begin to sink in. Just be patient and this too will pass.
Love,
Yourself
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