Looking back

As I stepped out of my car the comforting warmth of the moonless night came over.   It was late and most people were already in bed fast asleep.  Luckily I'm a night owl and the darkness of night never really had the same affect on me that it tends to have on others.  A soft, gentle breeze caresses my uncovered skin with it's cool touch.  It's the kind of night that serves as the perfect night for a midnight picnic or walk or campfire.  Memories of such nights spring briefly to my mind before fading back into its recesses.  It's a short walk to my apartment door and the lamplight illuminates the lock just enough for me to place my key in and unlock the door.

Dave, who was sitting at his computer, gets up and greets me with a bear hug.  We haven't seen or really talked to each other all day but it's no longer necessary to maintain the loving connection we share.  The heaviness of his demeanor and the subtle slur of his words tell me that he's very tired from another extra long day at work.  If he didn't find such enjoyment in his work, I would ask him about a career change but I know that it's more him putting in the hours to make sure what he's working on is done correctly than it is his job pressuring him.  I long to find that feeling in relation to my job but it hasn't happened quite yet.  My job isn't the most horrible place to work and at times, like tonight, it's not too bad at all despite the difficult calls that came in at the beginning.

Within the next hour, I convince him to come to bed. I'm not tired but I want to cuddle and our couch isn't quite long enough.  Plus, he desperately needs his sleep.  Our bed was by far one of the best purchases he and I decided to spend our money on.  Immediately after lying down, I feel much of the tension within me relax.  As I turn on my side (my favorite resting position), he brings himself next to me and wraps his arms around me.  I don't have to fall asleep right now but laying in this position I close my eyes.  Our room is dark and quiet; even our upstairs neighbors, who are notorious for making lots of unintentional noise, have settled in.  Minutes pass and it's at this time I tend to reflect most upon my day, week, month, or just life in general.

Sometimes these thoughts aren't the most pleasant.  Every now and then I go back to a time when being in someone else's arms was the last place I wanted to be but couldn't get away from.  Those memories tend to stir up anger and resentment at him, at myself, at life.  Why did that have to happen?  Most of the time, I find myself humoring impossibilities.  During these moments I go back in time, change my decisions.  I wonder what I would have done differently if I knew that I would be marrying someone I loved deeply in a mere ten years.  Would I have allowed myself to put up with so much?

I feel Dave shift next to me and I roll over placing my head on his chest.  He gives me a tight squeeze and a gentle kiss on the forehead.  Every sleeping position is comfortable with him.  I can feel the sweet contentment in my stomach.  This was something I couldn't have predicted so many years ago.  Listening to the rhythmic beat of his heat and the slowing of his breath, I can't help but smile.  I don't know why I had to endure what I did all those years ago but I can't deny that what happened had an effect on all subsequent decisions and if that's what I needed to go through to bring me into Dave's arms I can honestly say that it was all worth it.