Real and Imaginary

You know what's weird? On the days that I sleep super late, I tend to get tired earlier than usual.  It's seems counter intuitive.  I'm sure there's some scientific experiment that would explain why that is but it's just strange.  Honestly, I'd love to share just how late I slept but it's downright embarrassing so I refuse.  Maybe it has to do with biorhythms or something.  Seriously, I have no idea what I'm talking about so don't mind me.

On a totally different note, I really don't know what to say today.  The past week or so I've written very long posts and felt like I could go on forever but tonight, I'm just not in the mood.  Maybe it's because I slept super late and worked but I just feel wordless.  I think part of it is that at the moment, I'd rather be doing something else like living in my head for a bit.  Since I've left work, I've concocted an "ideal life" and by life I mean career.  No, it's not something to be shared because it's painted with long brush strokes of idealism. I guess, that's why I would consider it to be an "ideal" life.  Way to be redundant, Denise.  It's strange, I find that in certain moments I am completely in tune with the realities of my day to day life.  Then there are other times that I disappear into my imaginary world where I'm super beautiful, talented, and successful in both my relationship and career.

I suppose that's not all that odd.  At least many of my "hero/warrior" fantasies tend to be slowing down.  When I explain how sometimes I imagine that I'm some kind of superhero to my therapist, she seemed to think it was entirely normal.  Yes, I do imagine I'm a superhero with superpowers and everything (like a sort of indestructible being) at the ripe age of 26.  For a long time I was too embarrassed to admit that to anyone aside from Dave.  Even admitting to my therapist made me feel like I was strange.  She told me that it was natural that I would create an imaginary indestructible warrior kind of self in my head because of the abuse and whatnot.  When I look back, I don't remember having that type of fantasy before that relationship began.  Most of the time, my fantasies were about how I was super pretty or an amazing figure skater or super organized-- a better overall version of my human self.  It wasn't until that relationship that I fell back into the childhood fantasies of having magical, superhuman powers.

Of course, I don't know how accurate any of that is.  Maybe imagining yourself as "superhuman" isn't as unusual as I originally perceived.  I was so humiliated that I did that it that I never asked anyone else about it.  Maybe everyone still has fantasies like those as an adult.  Maybe it has absolutely nothing to do with the abuse.  Part of me kind of hopes so.  As comforting as it is to be able to look at an aspect of myself and say, "oh that's because I was abused"  I can't possibly believe that everything I do is related to that.  I guess that part of this process is identifying what parts of myself are because there's abuse and what parts of me are just aspects of my personality.  I feel like sometimes I attribute too much to my past.  Like Jamie said, since realizing what's happened after being blind to it for so long I could be overcompensating.  Okay she say that exactly but I think that was the general gist.  Correct me if I'm wrong, love since you read this.

Interesting entry.  Just after I began I realized that I didn't particularly want to discuss my real life and I avoided it in a way I didn't quite expect.  Ah well.  Moving on...