Saturday, July 21, 2012

The next day

I was up super early this morning probably due to all the sleep I got yesterday from my meltdown.  Now it's only 8pm but I'm so sleepy.  Not that being sleepy this early is a bad thing since I'm up early again tomorrow but it's weird.   I am feeling a lot better than I was, thank goodness.  Seriously though I'm done with all of this.  I need to stop.  I need to try and take some more control over my healing.  I need to maybe not be so accepting of my setbacks.  I think it's time for me to stop trying and just start doing.  I mean, I spent years trying to write on a daily basis but it wasn't until I made the full on commitment and just started doing it that it really clicked.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm always going to be here stuck in the never ending oscillation of anxiety and depression.  I fear that I'm never going to be able to hold down a job or function normally ever again.  I know that is an extreme thought and that I will eventually be able to get back in control of the situations.  Still, it's hard to remember.  I so badly want it to be like a light switch that I can just turn off not that it's been switched on.  Ahh well, I'll figure it out I guess.  I just really hope it happens soon.

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