"At the end, who am I living for?"

When Dave asked if I wanted to go see Katy Perry's movie tonight I was a bit surprised.  He genuinely seemed interested and although I never would have gone if he hadn't asked it was actually really good.  I laughed, I cried, I felt moved, and inspired.  Normally I avoid all sorts of celebrity gossip with only a couple exceptions and rarely learn more about an artist than their music.  Dave's the opposite.  When he finds an artist he enjoys he like learning about them and what inspires their music.  Really, the movie was a lot better than I expected and my respect for Katy as a musician and artist definitely increased.  I can relate to her in some ways and I couldn't help but cry with her when she was crying.

Dave and I discussed a part where despite her being an emotional wreck and completely exhausted she pushes herself to get on stage and perform her concert.  Despite everything going wrong at the time, she knew she had thousands of fans who spent money to come see her and were perhaps looking forward to seeing her concert for weeks or months.  Cancelling the show wasn't an option for her even though her personal life was collapsing around her.  I don't envy what she was going through by any means and I did cry with her feeling for her completely and admiring her strength.

Still, I couldn't help but wish I had a career that meant something to me.  In all honesty no one really depends on me.  Anyone can pick up the phone and answer questions after a couple of weeks of training.  No one is calling to speak with me specifically.  If I call in, I'm easily replaced.  I do nothing special and my being at work specifically makes things only slightly easier for my coworkers.  Even when I was placing new accounts on the system, it made it easier to force myself to get to work because I knew I was the only one who knew how to do it.  If I didn't go in that day, didn't put those accounts on the system, I was stalling someone's ability to make more money and earn a living.  It is nice to be needed and to feel like you are actually doing something.  I don't get that in my current job.


Oddly enough, watching the movie today made me realize just how important it is for me to find something that drives me to push forward even during the worst of times.