News

Sometimes I dislike the public viewing of this personal journal.  There are times when I want to discuss  something that happened but since it didn't happen directly to me I can't.  What happens in the lives of my friends also affect my emotions and thoughts of the day.  When something good happens for one of them I feel like my day was made better as a result.  When something heartbreaking happens, my heart breaks as well.  Of course, I don't feel the emotions the way they do especially if it's not something I've ever experienced myself but still I feel a portion of it.   Yes, I'm entirely self-focused and  selfish at times but I truly, truly want the best for all of my loved ones.  I hurt when they hurt.  When something happens in there lives that is a big deal, I want to write about it because it's on my mind and in my heart.  This is when good and bad happens.  However, because it's not my story to tell I don't feel comfortable discussing it where others can read about it without their consent.

For example, I was bursting with happiness the day Katie had her little boy.  He was the first baby I held in my arms since I was maybe 10 years old.  There were so many emotions racing through me that day and the day I met him.   I wanted to run home and write all about it.  I wanted to write about him, Katie, Jared, and my own feelings.  But I didn't have the baby.  They did.  It was their news to share at their discretion.  I couldn't just come out here and start running my tongue.   It's not my place.   There's a part of me that wishes I had written a little something that I kept for myself so I could go back to it later.  Just because I can't post it online doesn't mean I can't write about it for myself and lock it away privately.  I should have done that then and I should probably do that now but it's so easy to express it verbally to someone and not take the time to put the words down on paper.  Maybe I'll get better at that someday.

In my own news, Dave joined me for my therapy appointment today.  I was really glad he came and got to meet the woman who has really helped me through so much.  It was also nice to discuss my panic attacks and depression slumps with him present.  He feels so helpless at times and I hate that I push him away when I need him most.  It was good for us to go over coping skills.  There are so many times when he asks me, "What would your therapist say?"  This was a good chance to go over some of those situations and get her perspective.  In the end though we both realized that it really all comes down to me.  It's what can I do to help myself rather than what can he do to help me.  I don't know if that makes any sense.  Anyway, it was really nice that he was there.  I have such an amazing and wonderful husband.