Slump

Today was a difficult day for me.  I hate having difficult days on my day off but then, having difficult days on the days that I work really wouldn't be that much better.  My day started with my waking to some horrible dreams.  In almost all of my dreams this morning the prominent theme seem to be how ugly I am.  I feel like everyone I encountered during it either told me straight out that I was ugly and didn't deserve to marry Dave or we were surrounded by really hot girls and I felt completely inadequate.  When the dream did turn sexual Dave chose me over the other hot girls so I suppose that's something to hold on to but when I woke up I felt super depressed and lack motivation to do anything but sit and peruse Facebook.

This also turned out to be a bad idea because Facebook for me is both a blessing and a curse.  I love being able to see where old friends whom I've completely lost touch with are and how they are doing.  However, sometimes after surfing through the waves of social media, I end up feeling worse than when I began.  First, it started with me looking at the pages of people who I feel like I missed opportunities with.  The thoughts of "what if" abound during this time frame.  "What if I had gone to that dance?  What if we hadn't had that fight?  What if I hadn't unintentionally mistreated or done something bitchy to so and so?  What if I had called that person back?"  During these moments, I berate myself for my mistakes with others.  I look at these people and they seem like they'd be wonderful people I wish I hung around with and I think would thoroughly enrich my life but they've moved on with their lives.

The second thing that can happen when I spend too long on Facebook is that I begin to think of everything I'm not and everything I wish I could be.   I wish I hadn't given up skating and I could some awesome pictures of me on the ice, I wish I learned how to play a musical instrument because maybe I would be able to write my own songs, I wish I could be that girl who looks so put together, I wish I was better at yoga, I wish I had her body, hair, whatever.  Now, this doesn't happen every time I go on Facebook.  Most days I can combat any feelings that may creep up with some simple logic: no one is as put together as they appear.  There are just some days, like today when my defenses are lowered and I find myself being affected.  Really, I allow my mind to go crazy with negative thoughts and do little to try and stop them--I spend my time trying to justify my down feelings instead of just letting them be.

Tomorrow will be better.