Eve of a wake

Life is fleeting.  Even so I find myself seeming to want to rush through life.  Rather than searching for wedding gifts or favors or songs, I'm searching blueprints for homes under 1200 square feet.  That and reading about decorating small spaces have consumed my present time.  I suppose it's better than harboring thoughts that are far from healthy.  I'll admit that right now I'm having a hard time thinking about the wedding because all I can think about is that my grandfather won't be there.  He so badly wanted to be there and I find it painful that he won't be able to see us marry.  Even worse, I can't help but think about how it will be the very first event that my grandmother will have to attend without him.

It saddens me to know that what I hope to be one of the happiest days of my life will probably be one of her most painful.  Of course, I know that she'll be happy for me.  But to go to wedding alone for the first time in over sixty years.  My wedding is now almost eight months away so it's not like one of my cousins will have a baby before then.  I just hate the fact the first family function she will attend after the funeral of her husband will be the celebration of her granddaughter finding one.   I can't help but feel for her.  It's made the wedding planning process stall a bit.

My grandfather's wake is tomorrow and I hate the fact that I feel so incredibly reluctant to go.  Though, it will the first time the whole family will come together in who knows how long.  We get together every Christmas and we are close considering just how large of a family we are but there's always one or two people who are unable to make it.  This will be the first time I see my cousin Adam again in years.  This just isn't how I want to see them sharing my grief.  Witnessing the pain of our parents and our grandmother.  One the other hand, we'll all be there to support each other.  Perhaps it will continue to bring us closer but honestly, I'd rather use bowling as a family bonding activity.