goals, memories, and hopes

I walked a mile today.  It took me exactly 17 minutes to complete it which I'm determined to feel proud of that accomplishment.  The alternative would be zero miles and all day to finish so it's far better than that.  Now, I'm exhausted and hungry.  Although, that probably has more to do with the fact that I didn't sleep well last night and really haven't eaten much all day.  But it's baby steps.  It really is just a matter of making the commitment with yourself.  Walk fifteen minutes and write fifteen minutes.  I also decided that tonight would also be a good night to enact the "no food an hour before bed" policy.  I figure I'll start off with an hour and then increase it to two in two weeks and three in four weeks.  That sentence had a lot of numbers in it.  

Earlier today, I created a mini "to do" list for the wedding where I wrote down the big important things that still need to be completed.  You know, bridesmaid dresses, meeting and securing the officiant, scheduling my hair appointments for the day off, interviewing and deciding on a dj, and losing twenty pounds so I can take in my dress when it arrives.  Of course there's a whole lot more than just those but at the moment but that's my primary focus for now.  Already I'm meeting two of my bridesmaids this week to look at dresses and I'm super excited to hang out with them. 

I don't see either of them nearly enough.  Sometimes it feels strange when you look back and remember living with them and seeing them everyday.  It makes me wish we all still live in the same apartment complex.  How nice it was to just walk down the hall and stop by for a few minutes just to say hi or bemoan whatever is griping you at the time.  Even though, I've been out of the college world for over three years now I still remember those times.  I especially miss our "sweatshop" gatherings where we would meet in the basement of our dorm and sew costumes for shows, renaissance fairs or anime conventions.  When I say sew I mean, I would go down to the basement with them, hang out, and watch them sew but they were always fun. 

My mom just called and it I hate that life is so stressful right now.  It's bad enough that we all feel buried under feet of snow but to then have to deal with a really sick father (my grandfather) it's too much.  My poor sister too is working seventy to eighty hours a week at her job and I know she is having a tough time dealing with the swiftness of my grandfather's sickness.  I'm not sure what it is but I feel like it hasn't hit me yet.  Maybe the concern for my mom and my grandmother are overshadowing anything that I might feel about it. 

I can't imagine what it's like to lose a parent even if he's eighty-six years old.  When my father does pass (hopefully not for long, long time), I know I'm going to be absolutely devastated.  More than my mom though, I'm worried about my grandmother.  They been married for over fifty years.  I can't conceptualize fifty years, nevermind being with the same person for that long.  I think about how devastated I'd be if I lost Dave and we've been together just three years; fifty that's twice my age.  

The one good thing about my mother's family is that they are really close and there's six children.  Hopefully, they will be able to share their grief together along with their many memories.  My grandfather is a truly rare kind of man and even I have some fantastic memories.   Between the six children, their spouses, and many of the older cousins (myself and my sister included) we can hopefully minimize my grandmother's loneliness. If that kind of loneliness can even be lessened.  Sadly, we'll only be able to wait and see.