It's amazing how long I put of writing the post where I'm supposed to list all the positive things I did this year. Seriously, what's my deal?  I've literally waited until the very end of the night to open up my blog and I've stared at it for almost a half hour now.  I know what I'm suppose to write but I haven't gotten a clue how to write it.  In reality, I've been thinking about it in the back of my mind since my therapist suggested it and I couldn't think of that many things.

However, I did say I would write this post and it's not getting any earlier.  If I wait any longer, I'm going to fall asleep at this computer.  So here's my rule for tonight.  I have no more than twenty four minutes to write at least fifteen things I learned this year.  Learned is a better word as I feel like I would be using a word like "accomplished" extremely loosely.

Things I've learned this year....

1. What it feels like to have a full blown panic attack and techniques on how to use a combination of relaxation techniques and medication to overcome them.
2. Sometimes you just need to sit with all feelings or lack of feelings no matter how uncomfortable it makes you.  
3. All my feelings are okay even bad ones; they are automatic and are sometimes brought about by things I don't realize and therefore I shouldn't be so critical of them.
4. Thought-stopping.  Like feelings, many thoughts are automatic but unlike feelings you can stop them by simply saying "I'm not going to think about that right now."  I channel Scarlett O'Hara during these times and add, "I'll think about that tomorrow."
5. I have some really awesome aunts.  Without them having experienced panic attacks in the past and being willing to discuss them with me, I would never have made it through those first couple of weeks. 
6. Sleep does wonders sometimes but too much sleep will just make me feel even worse and instigate those automatic negative thoughts. 
7. I do have some artistic ability and I really enjoy painting with acrylics.  You don't have to create anything magnificent, it's important to just allow myself to play.  
8. Paris is not nearly as romantic as everyone portrays it to be.  I had the most amazing time there with two of my ladies and it was still perfect.
9. Exercising control over my spending habits is not only good for my wallet, it's almost as much fun saving it as it is spending it. 
10. When I'm feeling really down I should do something completely ridiculously like dance in my kitchen for a minute or two.  It helps, even if it's only a little. 
11. I have great friends who are so understanding despite the fact that I disappeared from all contact for months.  
12. It will pass.  It felt like it would never end and that I would never go back to the way I was before the initial panic attack but I sort of did.  Mostly. 
13. Post Traumatic Stress can happen even ten years after the original incident/s.  Things will come up when you feel safe enough to express it (even if I didn't want it to).  
14. This whole thing has been really good for me in more ways than one.  Therapy is quite therapeutic indeed.
15. My fiance must really, really love me because only just a few months after I went crazy on him, he proposed marriage.  He clearly does want me in his life-- irrationally crazed and everything.  I love him. 

There I did it.  It wasn't too bad.  Now, I'm super exhausted and I'm going to bed.