"Just keep swimming"

Writing these days seems to be getting harder and harder.  The temptation to just go to bed instead of putting words down on a computer screen was almost impossible to resist this evening.  As of write now, I feel tired and uninspired.  It's as if the self-imposed pressure to compose something is beginning to overpower me recently.  Of course, I should expect this as it does happen every year.  

Despite the really great things that have been going on in my life I still feel out of sorts.  At the time of the positive moment or moments, everything seems well and I feel like I'm doing okay--getting through.  Then I find myself still unable to wake up despite sleeping more than enough hours, burrowing within my more negative thoughts, and I find myself feeling more overwhelmed and down than otherwise.  It's like the general mood of the days tends to be dull, down, and drab with moments of great happiness and excitement instead of the overall good mood with periodic down moments that is more normal for me.  

Last night was the one year anniversary of my mental breakdown.  During the day, some really wonderful things happened.  My second bridesmaid found a beautiful dress to wear for my wearing and we had a very enjoyable evening full of laughter and fun discussions.  However, when I got home I started doing my own thing and suddenly I felt this wave of depression.  Soon, I found it difficult to stay awake and despite getting plenty of sleep the night before I found myself lying down and falling asleep.  When Dave woke me up a couple of hours later, I again just tried to entertain myself but found it more and more frustrating.  

Finally, while having a discussion with Dave things got a little tense and the frustration became overwhelming.  Somehow in the midst of the conversation, of trying to figure out what I'm feeling, I found myself hysterically crying.  Memories of my old relationship came rushing back again from the place where I try to keep them dormant and I felt myself unraveling.  I was partly hoping that this year I'd be okay and compared to last year I was leaps and bounds better.  Still, I found myself in hysterics.  I get that this is par for the course.  My trauma is still far from being integrated and these memories are bound to continue to affect me.  So much of me is just tired of all the negativity.  

Overall, I'm just feeling tired.  Tired of the depressive thoughts, tired of the overwhelming blah feeling.  It's frustrating because I don't feel like myself.  Feeling this way is not normal for me and I really want that regular me that began this journal to come back.  I know that it will as it always does every year but I just will it would happen just a bit earlier than usual.   Still, it's the 17th, I'm more than halfway there.  I have another appointment on Monday and I will continue to cling to the many positive things going on.  Those need to be my focus right now.  I can't prevent these feelings and I can't force them to be something different but I can try and remember that it will get better and to keep moving forward rejoicing in those small moments.