Short

I'm not writing a post tonight detailing my day.   There's a lot to say and I'm too tired to write about it.   All I want is to soak my sore feet and legs in the tub, dry off, and go to sleep to magical Epcot memories.  Even though I got a super late start due to menstrual mayhem, I was able to get a lot done.   I also had my first alcohol beverage in what feels like ages.  In Disney World with my husband and parents without the worry of being a parent shortly myself... perfection!

The Kingdoms

Another long but great day.  I like days like these and I wish everyday could be like this.  That's a shocker: I want all my days to feel like busy vacation days.  I'm sure I'm the first person to speak words like that...

Anyway, our day was spent our day at the two kingdoms: Animal and Magic.  We did not get to Animal Kingdom first thing in the morning like we hoped due to some menstrual issues on my part last night at 4am.  Still, we were able to get a lot done and the safari today was the best I've ever been on.  There were so many animals!  In fact, we had to stop multiple times to let the giraffes cross the street.  It was so cool and I absolutely loved it.  Whoever said that the best viewing were soon after the park opened and just before the park closed was incorrect by my experiences.  Every year that's what I've done but I didn't do that this year and I got a viewing better than any of those in the past.  I probably just got lucky.   Those who make recommendations like that tend to do it more than once or twice every few years so they probably know more than I do.

We also had dinner at Animal Kingdom Lodge which was beautiful, delicious, and expensive.  My parents took the bill though so I'm not sure what the final amount was but we are getting tomorrow's expensive meal so that makes me feel better.  They said it was part of our birthday celebration but they've been picking up little things here and there throughout the trip and though I appreciate it immensely that's not their responsibility.  Looking forward to tomorrow's dinner too though.

This post is all over the place indicating how tired I am.  Our evening was spent at Magic Kingdom at Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party.  We got a rough start and my menstrual issues had me feeling down but Disney got the best of me.  They added a new piece to their winter show where they project these coolest images onto the castle.  It blew me away and the fireworks were fantastic too.  I'd go into more but I'm so going to bed instead.

Disney!

Wow, I am wiped out.  I’m not all that surprised as we we’ve been up since 3am with only an hour nap.  We all made it to Disney World safely and we are already having a blast.  Between the flight in and the nap, we weren’t able to begin until this evening but we’ve already done a good bit at Hollywood Studios.  Before going into that though, I have to say that this hotel is great.  We are staying at the Coronado Springs Resort and it is beautiful.  I haven’t stayed in a moderate resort since I was a child (before the value resorts existed) and it is so much nicer.

That’s not to say that the value resorts are horrible.  They aren’t but this is a step above and I’m really glad that decided to go here.   We were too tired and it was a bit too cold to enjoy our pool but I’m super excited to use it.  It’s a replica of a Mayan ruin with a giant waterslide running through it.  We have pictures which I’ve posted on Instagram and will post here eventually.  The biggest downer thus far is that the internet is super slow.  I’m writing this in Word and will hopefully be able to actually post it after it’s done.

Okay, I’m falling asleep at my computer here so the rest will be quick.  Tonight we enjoyed Fantasmic and the Osborne Spectacle of Lights before having some good ol’ Earl of Sandwich at Downtown Disney.  Again there are pictures, a lot of them and I will post them asap and let them speak for themselves.   To say that the Christmas lights were beautiful would be an understatement.  The lights, the choreography with the music, the whole experience was breathtaking.  Fantasmic hasn’t changed but is still one of my favorite shows. 

Alright, to bed now for much needed rest.  We will be up early tomorrow for the Animal Kingdom and Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas Party.  I wish I didn’t need sleep because I want to do it now.

Oh, and it’s Dave’s 30^th Birthday today!  He hit the big 30!  There’s so much more to say but I really can’t.  I just love him so much and am so glad that we are celebrating it here in this magical place. 

Night before vacation

Our bags are packed and my hair is braided into pigtails.  This means that we are officially ready to jetset to DisneyWorld in just over four hours! I'm super excited.  We're going for six nights/seven days and I think this is the lightest I've packed.  I'm getting better.  Well, I did manage to pack for Hawaii in a travel on bag so I guess that would be better since we were gone longer for that trip.  I was thinking that vacations should last as long as one spends waiting for it to arrive.  Maybe that's why they seem to go by so quickly.  You wait for months that seem to go on forever so the five or six days of your vacation go by so fast.   I'm going to really try to stay present during this trip and appreciate every moment.

Sadly I did not get my period today like I hoped.  There was a bit more spotting but nothing.  It's less nerve-wracking in the sense that this is familiar.   The lethargy, spotting, minor cramping, etc were the physical symptoms I was expecting more than ten days ago.  I've packed both pregnancy tests and feminine products.  I've also got plenty of Advil and anti-anxiety meds to help manage the cramping and subsequent panic that tends to come my period.  Hopefully I'll be able to keep it under control and not let it affect the trip but all I can do is wait and see.  As you all know, I'd much rather get it than not.

Alright, I'm up at 3am tomorrow morning to catch our 6am flight so I'm going to head to bed.  My next post will be in Florida!  So excited I'm not going to sleep tonight.

Maybe?

I had some spotting earlier today which is either really good new or really bad news.  I'm going to go with the former.  Sure, women can spot at the very beginning of their pregnancy but my test this morning was negative and I do tend to spot a little bit before getting my period so I'm feeling a little less anxious.  Of course, I won't feel fully relieved until it's actual arrival but I am beginning to think it will come at the most inopportune time.  Hey, if it means I'm not pregnant I guess I'll take it.  I've already been to Celebration hospital down in Disney once and I figure it can't get much worse than going to the hospital.  I've also passed out and threw up at one of the water parks not more than ten minutes after arriving.  Thankfully Jamie, Katie, and Jared are all easy going and were more than supportive during those times.

Luckily I didn't wake up exhausted so I was able to get some shopping and packing done for our trip.  In less than 36 hours I'll be heading to the airport; hopefully with a monthly visit and without any cramps.  My hope is that I get it tomorrow so I can deal with the worst of the cramping before I go.  Whatever, if the cramps can hold off for the plane ride then I should be okay.  It will just be a matter of having to chill in the room for half a day or so while it passes.  Not ideal but I won't be pregnant so I can't complain that much.  Crossing my fingers!

Yeah, not tonight

Okay, I've tried starting this post five or six times now.  I'm clearly not in the mood to write at all.  It's lame and all but I don't care.  I woke up late but I'm tired anyway.  Just not feeling the whole sharing thing.  My thoughts are getting old: pregnancy, period, Disney, and repeat.  So yeah, as I've discussed all of those ad nauseam  I just don't really have anything else to say.  I'm still working on my lifelong bucket list. Maybe I'll post that sometime soon.  Just not tonight.  I'm done with this post tonight.

Giant Sigh

All the plans Dave and I had for today did not end up happening.  We had tickets to go see the new James Bond movie but when push came to shove both of us opted against going.  Sure we had to eat the cost of the tickets but I think we made the right decision.  I've been feeling kind of lethargic lately and just not in the mood to anything except lie around and do nothing.  I'm hoping it's because I've been pretty active recently and not because I'm pregnant.  I took another test today and that came out negative as well; however, I still have no sign of my period so I don't know.  Yes, I normally get lethargic, anti-social, moody, and all sorts of unpleasantness just before I get it but I don't know, I feel like I'm this pre-menstrual crap is going on forever.  

Truth is, I just sort of want to hole up in my apartment with my husband for the next three days until we go to Disney.  I don't want to do anything aside from pack and watch Battlestar Gallactica.  Yes, I know.  Don't judge me.  Dave and I were both wrong in thinking it was going to be really stupid and dumb but now find ourselves hooked.   I know I will have to venture out of my apartment at some point to buy the final supplies needed for our trip but that's really all I want to do.  I hate when I get into these moods.  I like people.  I like our friends.  I don't know why I will suddenly have the compulsive desire to be hermit inside my shell for a week or so and then be fine afterward.  It's weird.  

Really I just want my damn period.  My nerves feel frayed and I think more than anything I'm exhausted from the anxiety of the giant potentially newborn human "what if" answer.  So far I've been able to distract myself but I could really use the help of warm-weather DisneyWorld.  A part of me fears that if I don't get it by then that it's going to hang over us like this giant cloud.  I think I'm ready for myself to be with child.  I mean, as ready as I could possibly be at this point anyway.  A part of me just wants to know and the other part is saying, "you've got one more day of freedom" each time the test comes out negative.  I know I shouldn't look at having a child as a prison sentence but a part of me sort of does.  A baby changes everything.  It rewrites scripts and forces me to start looking at everything in a way I just don't want to yet.  

Things like finding a career I love, trying to save up to buy a home, hell even my relationship with Dave will be irrevocably altered.  In the end, once the child is here or even once I come to terms with the fact that I'm pregnant, I will feel like it's all worth it.  This just isn't how we want this to go.  A baby will be the end of my life as I know it.  It will also be the beginning of everything I may find enriching in my world.  I'm just not ready to make that transition.  I just want to go to bed, stay there as long as I can remain unconscious, and then zone out to television dramas.  I want to be selfish and I think that's why I don't want to socialize.  When you socialize, it can't be all about you.  It has to be about someone else too and all I can think about right now is myself, my husband, and this new family we might or might not be having.   

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday to me.  Thank you to everyone who called, texted, or sent me a message through Facebook.  It's funny how every year, I fear that no one will post or remember.  People do remember though.  Even people who I don't expect will send a happy wish in my direction today.  It's one of the really cool and interesting aspects of Facebook.

My birthday went well.  I was lazy and just relaxed for most of the day.  Dave and I stayed in bed until the afternoon only getting up to eat.  Eventually we did get out of the house and bought a new purse, wallet, and ski coat at Burlington Coat Factory for me.  Despite it not being all that busy, after that I'd had my fill of shopping.  I'm one of those few people who hate shopping unless it's for books so after that store we ordered pizza and went home to watch a movie.

Overall, it was a good day.  This post doesn't really express all my thoughts from today but it will have to do.

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! Today I am thankful for still my pregnancy test being negative!  Yes, this is going to be mentioned until I know one way or the other.  Anyway, I'm also super thankful for my family.  I spent my Thanksgiving having dinner and dessert at my sister's and future brother in law's house with my parents, and both my grandmothers.  My mother even took over doing the dishes (after spending most of the day cooking) so I could listen to my grandmother's tell stories of their pasts.

Listening to them can put things into perspective.  It makes these whole pregnancy fears seem petty.  My grandmother had four children by my age.  They also talked about how the siblings they lost during a time when infant mortality rates were far higher than today.  I can't imagine losing a child.  How a simple diarrhea outbreak could shorten so many lives and cause such lasting memories and pain.  Really, if I am pregnant all I'll want is to have a healthy baby and a healthy family.  That's what most important to me.  More than anything.  It makes you realize the sheer magnitude of having children or being able to purposely delay having children all the more.

My mother and the youngest of my aunts were not planned by my grandparents but my grandmother doesn't regret it at all.  She talks about how it certainly caused some anger at first especially with my aunt.  She already had five children, one about to go to college.  The only form of "birth control" she used was what she called the "religious roulette" otherwise known as the rhythm method.  She got pregnant with my aunt while she was menstruating which doesn't happen easily; you're supposed to be okay during that time.  I can completely understand their frustration at the time.  Restricted by their devote faith and the demands of the much stricter church, she was made to feel guilty about even practicing the rhythm method.

Like I said, she wouldn't change anything and she is more than grateful for my mom and my aunt.  Still, I can't help but be super thankful for the fact that I have been able to practice "safe" sex.  That is accepted and even expected today.  I'm so happy and grateful to talk to my grandmothers and mother who not only understand my anxiety but also helped to give me better perspective about it.

Not yet

I took another pregnancy test this morning.  If I am pregnant, the hCG pregnancy hormone isn't high enough to register yet.  Tomorrow, I'll take another one.  Yes, I know I should wait a few more days before taking yet another test but if I am pregnant I want to know as soon as possible.  The owners of the pregnancy tests will be happy as I will be giving them more and more of my money until I either get a positive reading or I get my period.  A part of me wonders if the test will be positive on my 28th birthday as God's way of saying, "Happy Birthday."  If not, then possibly on Wednesday which is Dave's birthday.

The pregnancy came with a tracker that estimates the baby's due date based on your last missed period.  If I am pregnant then I'll be due around July 20th.  If our child is born before July 22, he or she will be born under the zodiac sign of Cancer.  It's one of the only signs I don't want my child born under.  Cancers are super sensitive and close up emotionally when hurt by verbal daggers. Dave and I are notorious for throwing these daggers without even realizing.  He and I are not overly sensitive people.  Sure, there are times when I overreact but for the most part I don't take things very seriously.  We're Sagittariuses; verbal daggers are what we're known for.  I know this is stupid to be thinking about but I've always found astrology interesting and somewhat accurate.  I don't really take any stock in it but I do kind of.

God, I'm so not ready to have a baby.  Not yet please!

Still waiting

So my period is officially five days late.  This normally wouldn't concern me except that I don't have any of the physical PMS symptoms.  Sure, I've been overemotional and moody but physically nothing.  None of my usual symptoms have appeared: no spotting, tenderness, lethargy, nothing.  It's these PMS symptoms that have me more worried than normal.  I took a pregnancy test yesterday which was negative and opted not to take one today.  I'll try again tomorrow morning.

Being pregnant is no longer the same sort of terrifying prospect that it used to be for me.  At this point, if I am I more than accept it.  It would not be ideal timing nor would I plan it like this but Dave and I have talked about how we would welcome a little one into our family without hesitation.  It is super unlikely as we haven't stopped using protection so if I am, I feel like this baby is meant to exist.  If I am, I'll be using all my free time to go about researching what to expect, choosing my preferences, and reading about all things pregnancy/baby related.

Just the idea that I could be pregnant and that I know I will be keeping it seems to change everything in my thinking.  I'm extra observant about the little things.  I've refused all offerings of alcohol, thought about the food I've eaten, and hesitated/not taken over the counter medications that I would have popped without thinking.  In addition, holding Wyatt this weekend felt different.  Holding him, I couldn't help but think I might have one of my own sooner than expected.  In addition, it's got me thinking about "settling down" and actually purchasing a home.  Our tiny apartment will suffice with an infant but really it we would need something more after a year or so.  So yeah, now I'm looking at buying a home and possibly having a baby and I'm beginning to wonder if quitting my job was the wisest choice.  If I am pregnant, do I go back to work?  I honestly don't know.

All this being said, I still doubt that I am.  I'm thinking/hoping that it was just the change in my diet that's throwing things off.  I'm not on birth control which makes my periods super irregular and it hasn't been 35 days yet.  Dave is convinced that I'll get it on the plane on the way to Disney.  He's probably right.  I haven't felt any PMS symptoms but I also haven't felt any early pregnancy symptoms either.  In fact, I feel pretty great but that's not unheard of with certain women.  Everyone is different.  Until I get my period though, I'm going to be taking quite a few pregnancy tests (at least until one reads positive).  It's out of my control now.  All I can do is test, wait, and try to wrap my head around the potential.

Really Stupendous Title

A ballerina created delirious euphoria from gesticulating horribly. I've just kept leaving my nosy opinions plainly quiet. Really someone thought up vanity with X-ray yodeling zestfully

Sleepy

I'm so tired right now.  I got out of my bath and all I want to do is lay down, close my eyes, and drift off into sleep.  We got back rather late from my parents where we made tentative plans for our trip to Disney.  It's only 10 days away!  I need a trip, for sure.  Aside from that, not sure what else to write about.  We've decided to modify our diet.  For the last fourteen days we've gone without carbs and today we had our first serving of wheat toast.  This elimination of a whole food group thing is not really all that sustainable.   We did it.  Dave lost fourteen pounds in the process.  I've lost five in total as I didn't lose any this week.  Oddly enough, I'm okay with it.  We're still going to try and make decent choices and thoughtfully approach our meals but dieting is not how I want to do things long term.  It was a great jump start and we may need it again in the future but I think just healthy eating will suffice from here on in.

Self Loathing

The fact that Dave is so honest is a double-edged sword sometimes.  I totally appreciate it and would rather him be honest with everything.  If he is, then I know that whatever opinion he has about something is real and not a guess at what he thinks I'm going to like.  That Sagittarius brutal honesty though can be just that: brutal. Like tonight when we were driving home from a friend's 30th birthday party and he said that I was the second prettiest girl there.  I hate that I can't let it roll of my back like when he told me earlier that I do look better without my glasses.  No, I'm not the oversensitive type but his comment tonight was just like "zing, he thinks your second best."   It doesn't help that this girl kind of looks like me (only prettier), is a third grade teacher, and a dance teacher.  She's the me I want to be but can't because I'm a failure.  

Yes, I do still look at the fact that I'm not a teacher as a giant failure. Not all the time.  There have been times I've been able to put it into perspective.  It's true though.  I failed that student teaching and have allowed that experience to color the rest of my life.  Hell, here I am thinking I can be a writer instead because that's easier... I'm just fooling myself.  I can't teach, I can't write, I can't handle a damn call center job.  I'm fat and hairy and unfashionable.  Oh yeah, and completely mentally unstable.  I'm sure there's more but that's all I can bear to think about right now.  I'm going to go take a bath and try to will my period to come because I'm  sick of the pms.  Not to mention that I'd probably fail at being a mother and my kid will end up becoming a serial rapist or something.  

Productive

I found the trick to make me productive!  Dave just needs to write me out a "Honey Do List" and I do it.  I don't even think about not doing it.  The fact that I want to do these things doesn't seem to be enough.  His asking me though, that's a whole different story.  It's like, "I need to do this.  Dave does so much for me so this is nothing!"  Last night, he asked me to do a couple of things today and I told him to write them down.  I then placed it right where I would see it when I woke up and then did it all without thinking.  It felt good to have a plan and to follow through with that plan.  Eventually these might become habits and maybe I'll be able to do them without the request of my husband but right now that doesn't even matter. 

It took Dave all of 2 minutes to write my list and as a result, I refilled my prescription, did the the dishes and laundry, had my oil changed and battery replaced, called about getting new contacts, and made sure I ate properly.  In addition, I also met my hospice patient for an hour and got an amazing massage (not at the same time, that would be weird).  Overall, I'm very happy with the way the day went.  I can only hope that next week I can do the same thing.  

Routine

Finally went to the therapy this morning which felt good.  She never cancels but she had to cancel twice this last time.  It's not as big of a deal now.  There was a time that I would count down the days to when I would see her again.  From the moment I left her office I'd start counting until the next appointment.  It was bad and it's nice not to be in that kind of "crisis" anymore.  We talked a lot about my almost two weeks without a job.   She seems pretty happy with everything though she did stress the importance of my finding and sticking to a particular routine.

We briefly talked about the teaching interest that crept up last night only just touching upon my first student teaching experience.  I have a feeling that this is going to be an ongoing topic as I try to determine where to go from here.  Honestly, I feel a bit lost but I guess that's to be expected.  I mean, I really didn't expect to quit my job and have my life's dreams and aspirations line up in a row for me to just pick up.  Still, some clarity would be nice.

Again, it is a time for patience.  I just need to find patience.  Right now I need to work on establishing a routine then we can see where we can go from there.

No title tonight.

Okay, I'm going to type this super fast.  In the process of trying get Dave to go to bed, I decided I wanted to do the same but I can't until I bust this thing out so this will be short and stupid like some of the more recent ones.  I felt super clingy today for some unknown reason.  All day I just wanted Dave to come home and I felt really needy.  It's not normal.   My theory is that I felt guilty as a result of my antics last night and I'm pmsing again.  Seriously, these months move so quickly.  He said that I wasn't nearly as bad as I thought I was last night.  He's so incredibly forgiving and tolerant.  I suppose that would be a necessity of anyone who wanted to marry me.

Speaking of marriage and weddings.  Meg at a Practical Wedding is looking to hire an unpaid intern and I think I'm definitely going to apply.  It would be an amazing learning experience if I was the one she selected especially when it comes to the back end of writing a profitable blog.  Another weird thing, I found myself looking at the Burlington School website to about possibly substituting again.  It was only two days ago that I told Jamie's mom that I didn't think I would go back to it but honestly, why the hell not?  I can work basically on my own terms as I don't have to always go in when they call me.  I'm thinking about it.  Still doubt my desire to be a teacher but I don't know.  I'm still a work in process.  Maybe it was fear preventing me from teaching?  Maybe it is just a passing desire.  All I can do is take it one day at a time.  It will work itself out.

1st World Problems

So far, the last nine days of the diet have gone well.  We've been able to stick to it.  I've even managed eating out a couple of times without indulging in the stuff not on the plan.  Someone recently asked me if I wanted to kill anyone yet and I've been able to respond with a confident no.  Until tonight.  Tonight I threw a massive temper tantrum and truly wanted to destroy things.  A word to anyone dieting, do not go see Wreck-it Ralph.  Don't even think about it.  It is an evil, evil movie to anyone dieting and though I enjoyed it, it left me craving all kinds of candies, oreos, devil dogs.  In that regard, the movie was awful and it sent me into a rage later when we were walking through Stop and Shop and Dave refused to let us buy any of those wonderful things.

Seriously, I began throwing a temper tantrum and left the store in an angry pout.  I couldn't help but think of myself as a small five year old and that only made me angrier.  This diet has reduced me to a small child!  I was both thankful that Dave was able to resist the temptation and I was livid.  It was awful complete with the slamming of doors, throwing shoes, and screaming at no one in particular.   I was hungry and I wanted to eat what I wanted.  I was sick of this stupid diet and how the hell did I let myself get to this point where the only thing that seems to work is this damn diet.  How did I gain so much weight?  What the hell?  I just that tiny Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Sundae.  I felt like Wreck-it Ralph himself.

Dave stayed away and cut me a cucumber while I opted to zone out to Dr. Mario rather than destroy the stuff in the apartment.  When he left to take out the trash, he asked me not to break anything and that he'd be right back and all I could do was grunt.  The cucumber at least took the edge off the hunger but it was no sundae.  Dr. Mario took did calm me down a bit and I'm feeling a lot better.  I'm also super thankful to Dave for not letting me cheat and for tolerating my rage.  He's the best.

Snippit

I'm not really in the mood to write tonight.  I guess it's that I don't have much to talk about.  I spent the day with Jamie which was fantastic.  We went on a long walk, talked, and I gave her birthday to her.  If I ever win the mega millions, I buying land where I will build many homes or a bunch of condos. Then I'm inviting all of my and Dave's closest friends and family to come live in those homes.  That way, we could all see each other more frequently.  I've talked to Dave about this and he agrees that this is a fabulous way to spend our mega millions.

On a sort of unrelated note, I need to create a bucket list.  Well, I don't need to but it's certainly something I want to do.  Everyone has a list of things they want to do and I want to create mine.  That will be my task for tomorrow, I think.   I'm going to bed.

Week One Results

We completed our very first week of dieting so it only makes sense to share my results.  After one week, I've lost a total of 4.8 pounds or 2.97% of my body weight.  A part of me was a bit disappointed by this as I've been on and off the scale throughout the week and have received far better results.  Still, I tried to make sure that we did our measurements and took pictures at the exact same time that we initially took them so they could be most accurate.  I should be happy with almost five pounds and I am.  I just wished I hadn't stepped on the scale so often during the week.  For this week, I must definitely avoid the scale along with the carbs.

In addition, my body fat percentage is now lower and my total body water percentage has increased.  Both are good.  Our measurements aren't exact as we are just using a scale and not one of those devices you seem in the gym.  In addition, I seemed to lose an inch in my waist, hips, and chest which I'm also happy about.  I know it seems like I'm not all that excited about these losses and like I said, I think it's just disappointment over the prior readings on the scale.  I know it's stupid and irrational to be wish for more and that it just requires some patience.

It didn't take me a week to put on 30 pounds and it certainly is going to take some time to get rid of it all but patience has never been my forte.  I've had a great start and I need to just keep going.  If I stick with this and continue to be diligent with my food choices I can go back to eating more freely.  The more work I do now, the sooner I get to where I want to be.