Self Loathing

The fact that Dave is so honest is a double-edged sword sometimes.  I totally appreciate it and would rather him be honest with everything.  If he is, then I know that whatever opinion he has about something is real and not a guess at what he thinks I'm going to like.  That Sagittarius brutal honesty though can be just that: brutal. Like tonight when we were driving home from a friend's 30th birthday party and he said that I was the second prettiest girl there.  I hate that I can't let it roll of my back like when he told me earlier that I do look better without my glasses.  No, I'm not the oversensitive type but his comment tonight was just like "zing, he thinks your second best."   It doesn't help that this girl kind of looks like me (only prettier), is a third grade teacher, and a dance teacher.  She's the me I want to be but can't because I'm a failure.  

Yes, I do still look at the fact that I'm not a teacher as a giant failure. Not all the time.  There have been times I've been able to put it into perspective.  It's true though.  I failed that student teaching and have allowed that experience to color the rest of my life.  Hell, here I am thinking I can be a writer instead because that's easier... I'm just fooling myself.  I can't teach, I can't write, I can't handle a damn call center job.  I'm fat and hairy and unfashionable.  Oh yeah, and completely mentally unstable.  I'm sure there's more but that's all I can bear to think about right now.  I'm going to go take a bath and try to will my period to come because I'm  sick of the pms.  Not to mention that I'd probably fail at being a mother and my kid will end up becoming a serial rapist or something.