Giant Sigh

All the plans Dave and I had for today did not end up happening.  We had tickets to go see the new James Bond movie but when push came to shove both of us opted against going.  Sure we had to eat the cost of the tickets but I think we made the right decision.  I've been feeling kind of lethargic lately and just not in the mood to anything except lie around and do nothing.  I'm hoping it's because I've been pretty active recently and not because I'm pregnant.  I took another test today and that came out negative as well; however, I still have no sign of my period so I don't know.  Yes, I normally get lethargic, anti-social, moody, and all sorts of unpleasantness just before I get it but I don't know, I feel like I'm this pre-menstrual crap is going on forever.  

Truth is, I just sort of want to hole up in my apartment with my husband for the next three days until we go to Disney.  I don't want to do anything aside from pack and watch Battlestar Gallactica.  Yes, I know.  Don't judge me.  Dave and I were both wrong in thinking it was going to be really stupid and dumb but now find ourselves hooked.   I know I will have to venture out of my apartment at some point to buy the final supplies needed for our trip but that's really all I want to do.  I hate when I get into these moods.  I like people.  I like our friends.  I don't know why I will suddenly have the compulsive desire to be hermit inside my shell for a week or so and then be fine afterward.  It's weird.  

Really I just want my damn period.  My nerves feel frayed and I think more than anything I'm exhausted from the anxiety of the giant potentially newborn human "what if" answer.  So far I've been able to distract myself but I could really use the help of warm-weather DisneyWorld.  A part of me fears that if I don't get it by then that it's going to hang over us like this giant cloud.  I think I'm ready for myself to be with child.  I mean, as ready as I could possibly be at this point anyway.  A part of me just wants to know and the other part is saying, "you've got one more day of freedom" each time the test comes out negative.  I know I shouldn't look at having a child as a prison sentence but a part of me sort of does.  A baby changes everything.  It rewrites scripts and forces me to start looking at everything in a way I just don't want to yet.  

Things like finding a career I love, trying to save up to buy a home, hell even my relationship with Dave will be irrevocably altered.  In the end, once the child is here or even once I come to terms with the fact that I'm pregnant, I will feel like it's all worth it.  This just isn't how we want this to go.  A baby will be the end of my life as I know it.  It will also be the beginning of everything I may find enriching in my world.  I'm just not ready to make that transition.  I just want to go to bed, stay there as long as I can remain unconscious, and then zone out to television dramas.  I want to be selfish and I think that's why I don't want to socialize.  When you socialize, it can't be all about you.  It has to be about someone else too and all I can think about right now is myself, my husband, and this new family we might or might not be having.