Decision

Today I did something that I've been avoiding for what seems like forever.  I made excuses.  I was afraid.  I justified it with thoughts like, "this is what life is about now."  Then I asked myself, "is this what I want my life to be about? Is this what I've settled for?"  A lump rose in my throat and I felt that kick deep in my gut that screamed, "No."  I panicked, as you know, on Monday in response to these question and answer session with myself.  After talking with my therapist yesterday, I knew what I had to do. 

So today, I walked into work and handed my boss my two week resignation notice.  And just like that, I quit my job.  Of course, I will still need to work for the next two weeks in order to end on a positive note.  If I want them to recommend me or possibly be rehired in the future if this whole decision ends up backfiring, I need to do this the right way.  My boss was very understanding.  She even gave me my haircut tonight and we were able to have a conversation without any feelings of awkwardness.  

This has got to be one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life.  I quit my job with no other job lined up.  I have no real concrete plan.  Do you have any idea how terrifying this is?  However, I can't help but feel liberated.  For the first time in my life, there is only opportunity.  I just need throw a couple of "what about this" balls against the wall and see what sticks.  Those horrifying, "what if" questions echo in my brain.  

A part of it still doesn't feel real.  Probably because I do I have to go to work tomorrow, this weekend, and next weekend.  I'm tempted to partake in a media fast for my first week without work.  I really want to feel the length of the day without any distractions of television, internet, iphone apps, etc.  These are the same days that I will need to fill.  I need to determine how I want to fill them.  It can't just be with anything, can it?  The last thing I want is to wake up, sit in front of the tv, goof around on the computer, wait for Dave to come home, eat, sleep, and repeat.  I want to grow.  I want to accomplish something.  I want to discover a potential direction.  

Right now, I am still trying to get over the fact that I actually did it.