My posts are too short for titles

Trying to write early tonight but am already feeling sleepy.  This morning I woke up early with Dave and stayed awake:all day.  How sad is the fact that staying awake from 7:30 to currently 10:30 without taking a nap is an unusual experience for me?  I used to be the girl who could function really well with as little as 2 hours of sleep and now it's like I have to go to bed and sleep for a minimum of 10 or else I feel exhausted. Dave reminds me of the article that speaks of the study where emotional stress and activity is just as draining as physical activity and stress and therefore requires more sleep than normal.  I need to stop being so critical of myself right now regarding this.  My life has never been like this prior to now and it won't continue like this forever.  

Earlier today I went to Rockport, Ma as a day trip.  The weather was gorgeous and I just wanted to go for a walk and do some window shopping.   Oddly enough, I'd be better of going to Newport, RI for window shopping if I'm looking for a seaside shopping day as the stores are far better.  Rockport is more of an artist town which turned out to be just what I needed today.  I thoroughly enjoyed walking from one artist's studio to another and gazing at their work.  There's something inspiring about it.  With my writing daily, I've stopped dabbling in other types of artistic expression.  While I was walking I couldn't help but long for talents of my own.   I hate not having something that I feel talented in or even passionate about.  I've always been average at many things but never great at anything.  I want a niche of my own.  

Nothing

I am super exhausted this evening though I don't have a clue why as I slept most of the day today.  I can't believe today is only Tuesday (well, technically now Wednesday) but I'm glad as I have quite the to do list for this week and have yet to check anything off.  Last night I spent the majority of the evening on Etsy finding independent merchants who make a variety of hairpieces.  It was fun and I found a lot of things that I really like for the wedding and otherwise.   I really don't want to write right now as I'm far too sleepy for this and I have nothing to say.

And just like that it's become one of those posts.  I'm sure I've mentioned this before but two of my friends also have personal blogs and everything they write is always so well written.  Tonight I read one of their posts and it makes me envious that I can't write like them.  I'm so babbling and straight forward and boring in my writing.  My writing lacks poetry.  I get that not all writing should be poetic and beautiful but everything they seem to write is and I want that too.  After reading what they write, I'm always glad for the  few minutes and feel satisfied by their wording.   Sadly, they get stuck wasting a few minutes of their life reading whatever mundane thing I've written about today.  Sorry guys!

My favorite word

Is it time to go to Maui yet?  Right now I'm sitting here on the couch with my legs lying over Dave while he plays Angry Birds on his new iPad and I write.  It's something so simple, so comfortable, so natural.  Honestly, I miss him and I'm super excited to have him all to myself for ten whole days.  Although I love our friends, need our jobs, and have to deal with our other responsibilities they all take time from just us hanging out and doing what we want when we want it.  I know that much of this feeling of lost time has a lot to do with the fact that we don't share nights and weekends anymore.  When I was working days like a normal person, we had that much needed time to allow us to continue to grow in our intimacy.

Intimacy or intimate is a word that I really enjoy.  I like the fact that it has different levels of meaning.  Much like the word love.  Many time people think of "intimate" moments are sexual or erotic in nature and it's not inaccurate.  It is a classy way to talk about sex without using words that some might find lewd, inappropriate, and unnecessary.  However, the word intimate can be used in so many other discussions.  A parent can have an intimate moment with their child and no one considers the word sexual in nature there (at least I hope not, ew).  One might have an intimate and candid conversation with a lover or friend. A concert with many people can still be deeply intimate.  There are times when people don't even realize they are being intimate while in public and you get that warm joy of being intimacy's witness.  Plus I like the way the word sounds.  It just rolls off my tongue.  I've never really had a favorite word before but I think I've found my first one.

Alright, I'll consider this post written for the day.

Stuff

This afternoon Dave and I gathered our plates, bowls, cups, and other kitchenware to give to one of my coworker's family members who lost everything in an apartment fire.  I think that people forget about apartment insurance thinking that because they live in such a big place or get confused thinking that it's the landlord or the apartment complex's responsibility if something happens.  Thinking about it, it obviously seems silly that they'd be responsible for your stuff in an accidental fire but that's the thing few people actually think about it.  Anyway, since Dave and I were planning on donating what we have when the things from our registry come in helping these people replace what they lost seems like the perfect obligation.

Purging our stuff felt good and it's motivating me to attempt to tackle our apartment again.  This place is a complete disgusting pit.  I absolutely hate it.   This evening Dave and I had the battle of the bugs.  I think we won but it's got me feeling super icky and gross.  Something tells me that the fact that our apartment is a mess isn't promoting bugs but still... dirty and bugs go hand in hand with me so I feel like I need to clean like crazy.  There also the inevitable move pending just after the wedding and honeymoon.  We will have approximately two weeks to find a place, pack up our stuff, and move it to the new place.  It's not a lot of time.  How nice would it be for us to not have to worry about it while we are on our honeymoon?  It's hard enough coming back to work and home life without the added stress of moving all our crap.  With everyone looking to rent these days, it seems impossible to find a place with anything available until a month (maybe two) ahead.  I'm hoping to find something by September.

Alright my head is pounding.  The switch in allergy medicines has its side effects.

Six Flags

Six Flags today was an awesome good time had by all.  Actually Jamie and Ian are still here.  Ian is giving Dave guitar lessons, Jamie is observing, and I'm kind of in the background making sure my presence is known with frequent sneezes.  At some point on the ride home my allergies decided to strike with a vengeance.  Seriously, it's a perfect angry WTF moment.  I don't see Jamie and Ian often enough to be dealing with allergic plague.  Plus, it be nice to write a post where I'm not complaining about something or other.  Haa! We just had a sing along as Ian just played the music to Free Falling by Tom Petty.  This post may be a bit disjointed as we are hanging out but oh well.

Though absurdly expensive Six Flags is the theme park to go to in this area.  We have a couple of smaller ones but they are as almost as ridiculously expensive and don't have nearly the attractions and fun stuff of Six Flags.  One must admit though, if you're not a thrill ride kind of person or have small children, Six Flags isn't worth the price at all.  However, as the four of are thrill ride people and do not have any small children, we spent more money than we probably could afford but had great time doing it.  In my personal opinion aside from the roller coasters the best part is the adjoining water park.  It really is a full on water park complete with a wave pool, a lazy river, and water slides a plenty.  

As it was freaking hot out when we got there, we decided to hit up the water park first.  It felt good to go swimming for the first time this summer.  Yes, that's very sad, I know.  We also managed to get ourselves a good bit tipsy from drinking Mike's Hard Lemonades with no food really to speak of in our tummies.  Slightly inebriated, we thought it best to wait in a line for a water ride and I can safely say that by the time that was over, we had sobered up a good deal.  Due to a line for the lazy river, we only went around once but it was still a good time.  By the time we had our fill of the water park, it was already almost 6.  A basic nightmare had we not spent a small fortune on whatever they call their "Fast Passes" (I will forever be a Disney girl).

To wait in line on this gorgeous Saturday evening for all the rides we wanted to go on would have taken forever.  However, with our passes we were able to get every ride without waiting in a single line.  We would finish one ride and be ready for another, bypass that line, and enjoy that ride.  Like I said, it was pricey... too pricey for most people but we only go to Six Flags once a year and I want to do everything while I'm there so it's all good.  I would write more now but I'm officially done.  I haven't stopped sneezing since the car ride home and I've had it.  I'm going to attempt to sleep and I'm changing medications first thing tomorrow as clearly what I'm taking now is no doing nothing to fend off the plethora of dust everywhere that I'm reacting to.

Self Conscious

Tonight I'm feeling bummed, self-conscious, and anxious.  Tomorrow Dave and I are going with Jamie and Ian to Six Flags.  That should have me excited and enthusiastic but before any kind of summer activity for me there is the inevitable "grr. argh" moment.  Today I sort of had a double whammy because I went to the bridal shop with my mother and tried on the sample of my dress again (I'd explain that more but it's not what I'm in the mood to talk about right now).

Everyone has their physical insecurities, I get that no matter what I'd be insecure about something.  Still, this is something I've been dealing with for my entire life.  I can't even begin to conceptualize how much money has been spent trying to lessen this particular flaw.  No, it's not weight or anything weight related.  Truth of the matter is I'm a hairy beast.  I have lots of body hair; in fact I've never met another female who has even come close to the amount of hair that I have.  It's long, thick, black, and everywhere: my face, my arms, my back, my stomach, my legs, my feet, and even my fingers and toes.

In elementary school, kids would howl at me as I walked by imitating a werewolf which was their insult of choice.  Though by the time fourth grade came, I had grown a thick enough skin to not let the taunts and jokes to affect me outwardly but it's always been something that lies within.  Normally it doesn't surface until I'm forced to face it.  For example, at Six Flags there's a water park which mean a bathing suit.  Anytime a bathing suit is involve there a minimum of forty-five minutes to an hour needs to spent preparing to wear it.  What I would give to be able to jump at the opportunity whenever Dave (or anyone for that matter) says, "hey this is a great beach day... let's go.  Or hey, what to take a dip in the pool?"  For me, the first question that I always ask myself at that proposition is "when did I last shave?"

Most of the time, because continuous shaving is irritating to my skin causes all sorts of red itchy bumps and splotches I tend to avoid shaving unless I have to.  Many summer days, you'll see me in jeans.  I've grown into wearing t-shirts (for a long time I would wear long sleeves in the summer just to cover my arms).  I hate having to be like, "oh some other time..." whenever someone asks but I'm not about to just strip down with hair all over the place.  I'm sure most people would be grossed out the way they tend to be if they see a woman with any armpit hair.  I get it and I agree: it's totally disgusting.  I just can't help but wish it wasn't sometimes.

Looking in the mirror today while wearing the dress all I could see were the long black hairs on my arms.  My mother asked if I wanted to wax them a few months ago and at first I was reluctant.  I've never waxed my arms as I've always been too afraid of what they would look like as it was going back in.  Initially, I was just going to bleach it like I used to do in school.  Sure it caused a lot of questions regarding why the hair on my arms was blond and my hair black but the majority of the attention got diverted a bit.  However, looking at it today I began to reconsider.  Maybe I'll schedule an appointment to get my arms waxed and see how it turns out.

Anyone want to give me a couple thousand dollars for more laser surgery.  I've already had a gazillion treatments along with electrolysis and I need all the help I can get.

Paranoia

I had an absurdly hard time waking up this morning.  For a while there I thought I was doing so much better as I was waking up a reasonable hours but it was like I slipped back into my issues.  Whatever.  I'm not going to beat myself up over it as it's not like I can go back in time and wake up properly.  Tomorrow I'll just have to try again.  As of right now, I'm propped up on pillows in my bedroom.  I mentioned that I needed the tv yesterday but tonight I just had zero desire to be on my couch mindlessly gazing at whatever mindless nonsense was playing in front of me.

I'm debating whether or not I should go into the real reasons why I'm not sitting in front of my television right now.  It relates to an "experiment" my therapist has asked me to attempt for this week.  So far, I've been very good about it but tonight I really wanted to slip back into it.  At my last session, I brought up to her my recently new found interest in "crime" shows.  Initially when I started having my freak outs about nothing I couldn't watch shows like Criminal Minds and whatnot; it was too much for me.  However, within the last year I guess, that's what's captivated my interest.  Recently, my repertoire consists of shows like Criminal Minds, Law and Order: SVU and Criminal Intent, Dexter, "Who the Bleep did I Marry?", Snapped, I Survived...., and the most recent series Escaped.

Something about it all this week made me try and figure out where this new found curiosity originated.  It was the series "Escaped" though that totally did me in.  The entire show focuses on one person who was held captive for a period of time and how they eventually managed to escape.  Watching this show, I felt myself totally engaged.  When I brought it up, it came under the "they all had it far worse than me" guise which does make me feel better.  After watching what these other people go through, what happened in my past seems like a minor paper cut.  I figured that would be where our conversation would end but of course she said something that made far more sense to me.

She brought up how I feel constantly on guard.  Today, just my phone ringing while I was hanging out with Katie caused me to jump.  Every time I'm out in public I constantly sizing up the situation.  I know where I am and where anyone who might be a threat is.  During the day, when there are construction workers outside, I'll avoid going in via my side entrance to the apartment and instead walk all the way around to the front of the building so they won't see that they can access my apartment from that entrance.  You know, in case one happens to be a serial killer or something.  Every night I find myself double and triple checking the locks.  If something unexpected happens I react like it's an actual threat possibly even screaming in fear.  It's not natural.  Normal people don't do that.

She of course knew this from past sessions and brought it back up saying that because I was once "victimized" that I am looking for it just about anywhere.  I keep expecting it to happen again.  My watching crime shows is my way of trying to anticipate what might happen the next time as if it's preparing me for it.  If I know what's happen to others I'll have a better idea of what to expect when it happens to me.  At that this point, it feels like it's not an "if it happens," but more of a "when it happens."  She over simplified it with an analogy: when you buy a Ford Focus, you suddenly recognize all Ford Focuses that pass by when you wouldn't before.  At this thought, it was like something clicked.  That's totally why I watch those shows.  I want to know what else is out there.

Of course she brought up that though it may seem like it's making me feel safer that it could actually be perpetuating much of the jumpiness and paranoia.  At the end of the show, I feel better but it's the long term effects of it that could be hindering my healing.  As an experiment she's mentioned me eliminating the watching of these kinds of show for a certain amount of time and seeing how it affects me.  Like every request, she doesn't actually expect me to be doing that this week but I felt like taking it on. What she said made a lot of sense to me so I'm trying to see it's affect.  Right now though, it just feels like there's absolutely nothing else on television.  I still jumped at my phone so I can't say the effect is immediate at calming my general nervousness but... maybe it will get better.

I am excited to bring it up to her the next time I see her.  I want to recover as quickly as possible.  It's not fun living like this.  Even now, as I write this I'm thinking, "oh my god.  What if some crazy person on the internets reads this and decides to make some of the things I fear a reality?"  I am actually questioning whether or not I should post this because of that thought.  Seriously, I've got such issues.  Luckily I can at least say that I am getting help.

Meh

Tonight my allergies are acting up again which is irritating.  Both Dave and I think that our apartment might have some mold as a result of the leaks of earlier this summer.  Of course, this makes my desire to write about a large as a pencil eraser.  A much larger part of me would prefer to lay down and read and fall asleep.  Instead I sit here watching Nat Geo's programs on Crocodiles and try to formulate sentences to create paragraphs that will satisfy a day's worth of writing.  I watch too much television but I don't particularly care about that right now.  To me, I have a hard time just playing on the computer.  I like having something going on in the background and music just doesn't cut it for me most times.  There's something about the mini story lines within an episode of television that make the background noise a bit more to me.  Not to mention that it provides an alternate series of images to look at when I want to look elsewhere.

Yeah okay, I'm really at a loss as to what else to write about.  My appointments today went well and I'm looking forward to hanging out with Katie tomorrow.  I'm also vaguely aware of everything that needs to get done but am not interested in thinking about it all right now.  It's more the immediate tasks like dishes and laundry that I'm avoiding more at the moment and than any actual wedding plans.  Though, my thinking is that after chilling with Katie tomorrow, I'll leave feeling far more motivated than I am now.  Her thoughts and plans always get me re-interested in my own wedding again.  Hopefully tomorrow will yield better writings.

Schedules

To say that Dave and I had a difficult day would be an understatement.  I can't really get into it now out of respect for him and what's going on.  Again, I'm reminded why a lock feature is a good feature to have because sometimes you do just need to write to yourself.  Before you get concerned, Dave and I are totally fine.  We are healthy and we are in love and we are happy.  What made today difficult actually had nothing to do with our relationship.  We didn't get into a fight or anything like that.   It was more related to something personal for him and although I don't mind blabbering on about all my issues and problems and stresses, it's not my place to discuss his.  In the end, the day just wasn't one of the better ones but we can take solace in the fact that today is now just about over and tomorrow will be a new one.

I had plans to hang out with Katie tomorrow but we had to reschedule until Thursday because I'm a moron and forgot about the appointments I scheduled months ago.  This calendar tool will really is a necessity.  I think I used to avoid it because I hate the idea of "scheduling" time with my friends.  I'm always reminded of that, "oh let me pencil you in" saying because clearly my life is just so busy that I don't have really have time for you.  That's how I've perceived this for a really long time.   That's why I haven't kept a calendar.   It's time to get over that now.  I mean, had I not received the reminder calls I would have missed these appointments and been charged penalties for doing so.  For someone who is so into finances, that's the easiest way to throw money down the drain.  Not to mention the simple fact that at the beginning of the week, Katie was totally cool with either Wednesday or Thursday. If I had the appointments written down in a place I could easily reference them, then I could have just as easily said Thursday and not had to reschedule.

Plus, as much as I hate the idea that I'm "scheduling" time with my friends, I feel that it's an inevitable side effect of getting older.  There's also that whole idea that if I make time for my friends after my job (sorry guys I need to money to live and eat and stuff) then I would actually be scheduling all my other crap around them.  Errands and appointments are necessities unfortunately and we are no longer the relatively carefree college students living with or next door to each other anymore.  We've moved on from that.  They have jobs and lives; so do I.  And that's right now; once you have kids it becomes even more difficult.  Then you find that you literally have to "schedule" time to just be with your husband nevermind anyone else. Schedules aren't bad things, in fact most of us feel better when we have them.  Already, I've benefited from the schedule I made with my mom.  I've kept up my appointments and I've checked off the things I've needed to do and I feel good about it.  When I know what's happening and when, life suddenly becomes a whole lot easier. Who knew?

too tired for a title

Quick post tonight as it is super late because Dave and I have spent the last few hours talking.  I wish I could say it was about wedding stuff but in reality our upcoming wedding is only a small piece of our connection.  Planning the wedding is something that we have to do; it's become a series of small tasks to check off on our to do list.  Decisions must be made when this sort of planning occurs.  Some legitimate action needs to take place and let's be honest both of us would prefer to have a long deep conversation about general things.  These general discussion where no planning or action needs to take place allows us to continue to get to know each other and our individual perspectives on what's surrounding us.  Though I love the feelings of accomplishment after completing a task, it's not the same as what I feel after a long, thoughtful, and insightful conversation with a lover or friend.  Doing things and making decisions gives us a sense of camaraderie and connection but discussing things that mean something deep to you gives us a sense of intimacy.  Both are valuable but... I don't know, I'll assume that you know what I mean without my having to complete that thought.

With all of that said, I did get some things done today.  We paid some bills which is always a good thing and we scheduled a meeting with our officiant.  I tried to call about my dress but the store wasn't open today so I'll try again tomorrow.  Also, I had another therapy appointment which gave me some more things to contemplate and further insights.  Maybe I'll get into that in another post as I've thought about it far too much today.  Finally, I'm most proud of finally going to the local library and getting myself a library card.  I've been meaning to do this for months and I finally just went and did it.  I'm hoping it will help curb my whole book buying issue; even spending $2 on a book that I could otherwise borrow isn't money well spent. While at the library I checked out a few books on planning a wedding ceremony along with others that were an anthology of potential readings.  It wasn't much but it was a little bit.  Creating the calendar with my mother was hugely helpful in keeping me focused and on task.  It makes things manageable and we're getting a little more done with each day.

Work and stuff

I took a nap today and dreamed about my job.  Dave was playing a computer game with friends and he was talking into the microphone and that somehow got converted in my sleep to an irritated cardholder asking me why his card was declining.  When he came in to wake me up, I asked him to come back but in my head I put him on hold so I could research his what was going on with his card.  Then I seriously continued to dream about going into Falcon (our fraud monitoring system) and finding nothing tried researching the AOV and COV tables as I rapidly tried to determine what I was going to tell this guy.  I know that what I just said means nothing to any of you but when I woke up I realized that somewhere along the way, I totally committed to this job. 

Before I would listen to the cardholders and most of it I would brush aside as complete absurdity.  I used to keep a little notebook and right down the stupid things that many of them used to say to either myself or one of my coworkers.  Like today, my coworker got a call and the guy told her that he used to be on the board at the bank and he couldn't believe how downhill they've gone since.  He then continued saying that he hopes that she gets a better job because she was totally going to lose this one.  It's people like that who you really want to give a snotty retort back like, "Obviously they eliminated you from the "board" because you clearly don't have a clue buddy."  Of course, you always just end up smiling and telling them to have a nice day.

Again, I used to be able to laugh at these people and let it go but recently I've found that these same people I'd prefer to punch than laugh at.  I'm also easily irritated by some of the procedures we have in place.  Today we got a call from one our huge clients and his card was declining.  We tried everything we knew but it wouldn't work and we called our manager who gave us the go ahead to escalate it above so we called, left a bunch of messages for people who didn't call us back.  Meanwhile, the client is justifiably upset because he's trying to run a business and can use his card and there's nothing we can say or do except tell him that we're working on it.  Finally, it turns out that it might be an issue with MasterCard only allowing $100,000 or $200,000 to be charged in one day.  Okay, it might not be us but is there a reason why this is something that no one knows.  How are we expected to service large clients when we don't have a clue about certain things that are pretty important? 

Waking up this afternoon I realized that care way too much all of a sudden.  This is the second Sunday in a row that I've come home feeling exasperated, irritated, and frustrated.  When did this happen?  I had to call in sick a few times this year and all of sudden I'm concerned their going to give me a hard time about taking the time off for the wedding and honeymoon.  Before I used to just think, "well I'll be married so it won't be as necessary..." but now I'm freaking out because I don't want to lose my job.   Really Denise?  You're terrified you might lose a job that you dislike anyway?  On the other hand, it's not the worst job in the world and it pays kind of awesome for a part time job so I don't want to lose it.  However, I won't make it if I continue to care this much.  Before I left today, I looked at the calendar and counted down the days of work left before I get married.  I have 46 more days of work left before the wedding.  Yes, I actually did that.  

I'm going to talk to them about taking the time tomorrow but... sigh.  Once I'm married, I can really throw myself into something new.  I hope.  I hope I haven't gotten myself trapped in a dead end career already.

It's the end of the world as we know it... and I feel fine

Why are people so fascinated by Apocalyptic stories?  There are so many people who think that the Book of Revelations is actually in the process.  I don't know how I feel about it actually being the in the process as of now.  It's just so crazy that there are so many television shows that discuss it so frequently.  There's also that weird contradiction of these shows being aired on the History channel.  I get that much of the things that could destroy us have come from the past.

Though we don't know for sure but the overwhelming evidence points regarding the destruction of the dinosaurs came from a giant asteroid.  We do know that there are thousands of unaccounted meteors and asteroids that could hit earth and have a similar effect.  The scariest for me is the threat of plague.  I don't know what scares me more; the idea that I feel like it is far more likely than an asteroid or the fact that it could be created by the very people it would kill.  You'll never see me regretting our scientific advantages and discoveries.  I'm totally for the continuous study to understand ourselves and the world (universe, multi-verse) around us. However there is the unfortunate side effect that many of these same discoveries have enabled us to not only kill each other but actually have the capacity to destroy us as a species.

Even as I write, "why do we watch these things" I sit here watching "Seven Signs of the Apocalypse."  I try not to be too hard on myself as I know I can't be alone in being curious about what may eventually destroy us.  We are all fascinated by what we may eventually die from; it's the strange desire to seek out media regarding it.  When I was thirteen part of what initiated my religious fervor was the Left Behind series written about the Apocalypse.  Sorry I know this is going to sound disjointed but sometimes I wonder why it is so necessary to state the obvious so repetitively: "If a person is bleeding out and they can't get to a hospital, they will die.  Even the modern buildings designed to withstand earthquakes aren't fool proof..."  Really, there a resounding "duh" happening in my head right now.

Humans are fascinated by what we most fear.  What most of us fear is our own mortality not just as individuals but the mortality of our species, our planet.  The idea that even our sun will eventually die is terrifying and intriguing in almost equal measure.  We despise admitting our own vulnerability.  I know that first hand and my life was never at stake.  The truth of the matter is that we are a very vulnerable species and in the end there are thousands of things that can destroy us permanently.  It's good for us to contemplate these different possibilities because in the end we want to feel alive.  I've heard it said that people tend to desire sex after going to a funeral.  Confronting our own mortality causes us to do the very thing that makes us feel most alive in addition to it being the very thing that also produces life.

Contemplation of our destruction captivates our interests only slightly more than the contemplation of my purchasing that cell phone.  We may die sometime soon but we should most definitely die in style playing angry cats on our smart phones.

It's all about timing

Had another productive day today and was able to check off a couple of things off my list.   Tomorrow I'm hoping to get a bit more accomplished so that's good news.  Something about being busy though makes me unwilling to write.  I think part of it is because when I'm busy I become so focus on what I'm doing that I don't spend as much time thinking about the other random things that I end up writing about at some point.  Now that I think about it really does make sense that all the crap that has come up over the past year happened.  Sometimes I wondered why it had to come up at all but honestly I have the time to process it right now and did.

When I was in college constantly trying to get this or that done in between trying to hang out and have a normal social life and work at part time jobs, it would've been impossible.  I never would've had the time to let any of it arise.  After I saw that theater group that came in and they had the therapists waiting in the back of the room in case we found it too much and needed to talk, I felt something then.  That was a huge wake up call to me actually.  It was too much and I sobbed like a crazy person the entire way through it.  Anyone who looked at me must have known that I had been through something.  It was intense but I wasn't ready to talk about it.  Instead I went back to the dorms and to my ex but he was never someone I could really talk to about anything more serious than what I did that day.

He wasn't a bad guy quite the opposite actually.  As a boyfriend, he gave a girl a lot that she could want but he just wasn't the right match for me.  I wasn't the right match for him either... possible even less of a match for him. I have always been a thinker; questioning and analyzing just about everything.  He wasn't that way at all.  Every time I tried to go beyond the surface or the face value of something, he always said, "You think too much."  Sometimes I hate to admit that he wasn't entirely wrong, I do think too much but that's who I am.  If I had wanted to discuss the play and my feelings and maybe think about my past, I didn't feel comfortable enough with him or think that he'd really understand.  Between my being so busy and a boyfriend who was hard to communicate with, I couldn't deal with these things.

It wasn't until Dave and now.  Dave never shied away from deep conversation and he loved the fact that I thought so much about things.  I was never shy about admitting the abuse and the other crap but when it did come up it didn't scare Dave.  He allowed me to think about in small pieces at first.  Then once I went from full time to part time I suddenly had all this time on my hands.  That and a pipe dream that I thought I wanted to pursue but really didn't.  All of them just sort of came together and though it's been really tough I'm so glad it did.  I'm not through it yet, hardly but I'm getting there.

Wedding plans with mom

This evening mom and I met to discuss wedding planning and it was good to sit down and lay everything out in front of me.  I'm not as bad off as I thought I was when it comes to getting things done.  We went through my list and wrote down appointments for me to get things down.  In addition, I also made some needed appointments.  Unfortunately we didn't hear back from our officiant yet but hopefully tomorrow.  I'm also going to send an e-mail to my venue to ask some questions such as when should we be scheduling our time to come in and talk through the day off, when should we decide on the menu, do you know the price of your "in season" items yet, and do you provide regular white linens and chair covers or do we need to rent them?  You know, things of that nature.

At the moment the most complicated has been hair and makeup; actually more just hair.  Overall Sunday is a far cheaper day of the week to marry than Saturday with the exception of hair.  Unfortunately most salons are not open on Sundays and therefore it is far more expensive to have one's hair done by a trained stylist.  I've talked with two salons and both of them are looking at approximately $75 for my bridesmaids to have their hair done and honestly that's absurd.  There is no question that I will be getting my hair done and my sister said that she was willing to do hers but our hair isn't the easiest to style on our own.  I will not be forcing my bridesmaids to get their hair styled because they are all capable of making their hair pretty without having paying $75.00.  That said, if any of them don't mind the cost and want it then I won't stop them but it will not be a requirement.  I will discuss it with each of them at a later date but at this point I think I've ruled it out.

As of right now, Dave and I are still planning on getting two hotel rooms. One for the guys and one for the girls.  Because I will be getting my hair done, the girls and I will probably end up staying in Haverhill and then driving to Bedford to get dressed.  Right now, what I'm figuring is that I will wake up for a 7am hair appointment and my sister will have hers done after me.  My hair will probably take a solid hour or so and while my sister is getting hers styled, I can go back to the hotel room and help everyone else with their hair and purchase some bagels and  coffee(?) for the hotel room. If they decide to have their hair done professionally, that will be alright too as we can just add another hair stylist and bring the bagels, coffee, and donuts to the hair salon.

Luckily the majority of my friends are used to waking up early.   A 1pm wedding pushes everything ahead and I think we decided that we wanted do some pictures before the ceremony so we won't be too long after the ceremony during the cocktail hour.  One of our large investments was in a photographer so I think we really want to make sure we get lots of photos.  The downside is that it just means everything needs to be done so much earlier which I'm sure will be much harder for me than anyone else as I'm the one who can never wake up in the morning.

All and all, it was a good, productive night.  I'm satisfied.

Update to last night

Thank you to everyone who wrote to me after my post last night.  Tomorrow I have plans to go and meet with my mom to go over everything, make a list, and create a plan.  Katie and Jamie both sent me fantastic e-mails listing some of the things Dave and I need to focus on.  Last night I did follow through on creating a honeymoon registry and this morning Dave posted it to our registry page.   I don't really know what I was so worried about when it came to creating it.  It was super easy to create and I really feel like it covered everything I needed.  So with that said, that's one more thing to check off the list.

I meant for today to be super productive but it wasn't as I allowed stupid things to distract me.  Actually once Dave came home, I allowed him to distract me.  He was more for doing things tonight but all I wanted to do was talk with him and cuddle and pretend like we were already married.  Is that weird?   We had a really interesting conversation (well, to me at least) and I dislike the fact that I feel like all of the time we spent connecting was a "waste" because it didn't involve us doing more for this wedding.   We did send an e-mail to our officiant to schedule a time to meet him.  I figure that will give us a deadline for us to flush out the ceremony.

Today is just more difficult for me... even this post can't hold my interest.  I can check two more things off my list and I hope to go over a lot more with my mother and those of you involve in the wedding will hopefully hear me from me really soon.  Love you guys so much and thank you again for your support.

Foreboding dreams

For the past few weeks I've been having these dreams where I am back in school.  They are really strange because I've been out of school for so long and I was really beginning to wonder where they were coming from. At first I thought they were under the "career" dreams that I've been having like the ones when I'm the teacher or the substitute teacher and things go awry.  Now though, I'm not so sure.  In these dreams I'm not the teacher but the student and they seem to be focused on the worst part of all my experiences as a student.  In each of the dreams I'm super stressed out about getting a good grade.  During some of the dreams I might be taking a test or trying to complete a project.

The ones that really freak me out though are the ones when I'm walking around completely and utterly confused. For example, sometimes I'm wandering through the halls knowing I'm supposed to be going to a class but I have absolutely no idea what classes I'm supposed to be taking.  In all the dreams, it's the middle of the semester and I feel like I should know where I am going but I don't have a clue.  There are similar dreams where I am on the way to a particular class but am too afraid to go in because I've skipped too many classes and I have absolutely no idea what I've missed or what is due.  I'm afraid that when I go in the teacher is going to say that I've missed too much and have failed the class.  Finally I have the dream where I'm packing up to go home from school and I'm at my locker trying to determine what I need for homework but again I forget what classes I'm taking or what's due for them.

The overwhelming feeling in all of them is this deep sense of foreboding.  There's that anxious feeling that I used to get when I knew I was behind in my classes and how would I explain it to my parents when I got the D or F in my classes especially when I had nothing else was going on in my life.  In these dreams, I don't have a job and the only thing that I have to focus on are my classes and yet I was going to fail them.  How would I explain to others that I woke up one day in the middle of the semester and had no idea what was going on and was completely lost and confused?   I signed up for these and I've been going to them for weeks and now I don't know which classes I'm taking of what I have to do for them, how is that possible?  Luckily it is just a dream.

When I wake up in the morning I feel very disturbed by the details of the dream and despite the frequent reminders that I am no longer in school or that I'm not enrolled in a single class I can't shake the feeling of anxiety that dreams produce.  Like I said before I've been trying to figure out the meaning of these dreams and how they relate to my waking life.  I am a believer that when I have recurring dreams like these I'm trying to tell myself something.  I feel like the repetition of such dreams is a way of saying, "Hey, something is totally bugging you that you're not paying attention to so how 'bout you figure out what it is and deal with it already?"  While I was at work today, I had a few moments to think about it when it finally came to me.  These dreams represent my feelings regarding planning my wedding.  I bet a few of my friends are thinking to themselves, "I could have told you that, Denise" but sometimes these kinds of things take longer when it's your own issues.

The honest truth is that I do feel overwhelmed, behind, and somewhat lost when it comes to my wedding plans at the moment.  I feel like there is so much to do and I'm afraid I;m not thinking of something.  I know I'm behind but I'm unsure how to catch up or where to begin.  Like the "how am I going to explain the D" anxiety I'm anxious that I'm not thinking about something critical and when the day arrives everyone is going to be like, "oh, how did you not know to do that?"  On the surface I feel calm about it but deep down I know I'm totally stressed out and avoiding it the way I would when I had a major paper or test coming up.  However, wedding planning is nothing like writing a paper. For one, I've written a gazillion papers and taken so many tests but I've never planned a wedding before.  In fact, I've never really planned any kind of party before.  This is totally new territory for me.  With a paper, I also know that I will eventually I will sit down, put my nose to the grindstone, and bust it out.  My wedding is not something that I am doing all by myself; there are multiple moving parts.  There are many people involved in a wedding who aren't just going to jump when my eventual freak out is bound to happen.

I need to get on board this train now and start making things happen but again where do I begin?  I promised myself on this blog that I would get the honeymoon registry up tonight so that's probably a good start but then what? I need to schedule a fitting appointment for my bridesmaids, I need to purchase linens for the tables, I need to contact our officiant, I need to plan our ceremony, choose the readings, contact our venue, decide on flowers, figure out hair/makeup, the list goes on and on and I don't have that much time.  Add to all this and I'm worried I'm not going to have enough money at the end of all this.  Clearly, I can see how every aspect of those dreams apply now.

If any of you have any words of assurance or ideas on what to tackle first, please e-mail me.  I'd say call but this would be one of those things that I want to really remember and by the time I get off the phone I've forgotten too much of what was said and I don't want to waste your time.

Happy 4th of July!

I truly hope that everyone's 4th of July holiday was just as wonderful as mine turned out to be.  The combination of exhaustion, disappointment, and a general sickly feeling (stupid allergies) led me to feel super emotional last night.  I wrote the post in the car on the ride home from my parents and by the time I finished it I was so upset that Dave actually had to be the one to post it.  After spending more than a few moments iin tears, I tried to fall asleep.  Unfortunately my allergies were in rare form, though I'm sure my crying didn't help matters, and I spent the entire night awake, shifting positions, and constantly wiping my nose as it running like left-on water faucet.  Finally, I had enough.  By seven in the morning, it had been more than 24 hours since I last slept and in half frustration, half exhaustion I stuffed my nostrils with tissues and settled on the fact that I would have to breathe through my mouth.

As Dave woke up, I finally fell asleep (tissues in my nose and all) but found that I was unable to wake until close to 2:30.  Normally, on the fourth I like to get into Cambridge by 2:30 or 3:00 so we were already late.  Like most mornings after a day/night of being over-emotional I determined that it was better to not care too much this year.  I resigned myself to getting less than prime seating and felt determined to have a good day anyway.  To be honest, it was pretty easy was Jamie and Ian arrived and we found a somewhat decent spot.  It was ridiculously hot and that did take up a lot of our conversation until we were approached by both the Globe and the Herald to take pictures of us and our pinwheely headbands.  Lauren also was able to stop by and say hi and it was super great to see her since I've only seen her once or twice since Paris.

Really the best part of the day was when we found my sister's good friend Andy.  Like me, he was super shocked that both my sister and my parents decided not to go but wanted to go himself.  He had brought his group there and had found an ideal spot by forcing them to arrive by 2:30.  Listening to him talk, I felt like I had found someone who cared as much as myself.  At some point, we determined that there was room for us to join them and in the end, we did get to enjoy prime seating location.  As an added perk, my parents did come and it felt like old times.  As always the fireworks were incredible.  Normally, I'm not a fan of the song selection but the choices for this year and the synchronicity of the fireworks were perfect.   The threat of bad weather amounted to nothing and no acts of terrorism to be had (I hate to admit it, but just before the fireworks begin I always think about it and this year more so now that I'm a crazy person with my anxiety and  the fact that it would be the perfect opportunity for revenge of our killing of Osama Bin Laden).

I was so truly grateful to Andy today.  In a way, it sort of rekindled my passion.  I thanked him immensely for finding such great seats and allowing us to join him and could only say that it was the least he could do after all my years of treating him to such great spots.  I told him I'd owe him for next year.  Overall, I am truly, truly happy about how it all went.  I'm so glad that Jamie's spirit was there to help me feel that the tradition was still alive as she has come with me for close to ten years now.  Her being there lifted my spirits and my parent's arrival made it all the better.  I feel like I've learned a lot in the past twenty-four hours about myself and those I care about. It's days like these that really help one grow as a person.

The End of A July 4th Tradition

As everyone knows tomorrow is the 4th of July.  Every year with the exception of when I was nine years old my family has always gone into Boston to celebrate.  Now, I'm not what you would call the most patriotic of citizens but over the years the tradition grew to mean as much to me as Christmas means for others.  It wasn't just my family but we would recruit friends and neighbors and it was like having a giant lawn party only our backyard was the Cambridge side of the Charles and our music, the Boston Pop's Orchestra.  It's funny, I can organize my memories around the fireworks saying things like, “oh that was the year the Irish people came and there was a monsoon” or “that was the year we brought the caravan of 30 people and there was no wind so we watched a giant cloud of smoke change colors.”

Somewhere along the way, it seems that those who said that they would always go have decided against it.  It's not all that surprising.  It's a long day to sit out in the blazing sun or the pouring rain just to watch a half hour of explosives illuminate the night in celebration our nation's sovereignty.  People's lives change.  Babies are born, people become ill, and sitting with thousands of others in the city becomes far, far less alluring to even those who always swore they would never miss it.  However, I must say that this particular year seems more disappointing than most as even my parents are not sure they are going to actually make it.  My sister and Ben decided against it which was initially shocking as the only year my sister hasn't joined us was in 2002 after September 11th.

My parents though; my dad possibly not going is the most shocking of all.  I've never been to a fourth of July celebration without my father.  There have been one or two years that my mother was unable to go but my dad was always there.  Of course, I can't fault them.  The weather this year is supposed to be miserable and it's on a Monday night with work the next morning.  Honestly, bringing it to national television was the worst thing that ever happened to it.  I'm not one to ever claim that anything was better before it became huge but I can't deny that our tradition was far more convenient before everyone in the nation needed to see it.  As a result of the nationwide broadcast, the fireworks that used to go off at 9:30 now don't go off until 10:30.  Not a big deal if it didn't take over an hour to get out of Boston and get home.

We've been lucky the past couple of years as it occurred on the weekend.  Even last year when it was on a Sunday, most companies put the holiday on Monday.  This year though, getting home after midnight is just too difficult for those who are unable to take the Tuesday off work.  With my father working at a temp job now, he can't take any days off anymore.  I don't blame him for not wanting to sit in gross weather until 10:30, get home after midnight, and be up to work the next day; especially when our family friends or my sister aren't going to be there.

So needless to say, I can't help but be disappointed.  Every year since I was in high school I've made a big deal about not working on the fourth of July because it was a big holiday for my family.  Huh, after writing that sentence I realize just how little I've budged with a career but that's a different whine for a different day.  But yes, every year I've made it a big deal; even worked Christmas last year and Thanksgiving this year so I wouldn't have to work it.   Deep down I always knew it meant far more to me than it ever did to anyone else, but I guess I never realized just how much more.  Thankfully, my best friend who has gone since sophomore year of high school with me (except for that year she was in Hawaii) and Dave will be there.   If there is a terrorist attack, at least it will be just us.

Summer Lovin'

What is it about Saturdays that make me exhausted by 10:30 at night?  Is it really just the simple fact that I have to work so early in the morning on Sunday?  Seriously, I feel utterly exhausted.  I'm never this tired at this time except on Saturdays and maybe on Sundays if I end up not taking a nap during the afternoon.  Eh, that's was terribly worded sentence.  What's crazy is that my mood is totally dependent on how sleepy I am.  Perhaps I did get grumpy and irritable when I was tired during college and I just never realized it.  That's not to say I never got grumpy at that time; I was just as much of a moody pain in the ass as anyone but I don't think it was related to how tired I was at any given moment.

If I put my current moodiness aside for the moment and actually reflect on my day, I can safely say that Dave and I had a really great day.   Our conflicting work schedules and Dave's particularly constant schedule haven't given us the amount of time together when one of us isn't falling asleep that we would like.  Again, another terrible sentence.  Ah well.  Recently Dave's been feeling frustrated and overwhelmed by the  plethora of "things to do" at the moment with work, the wedding, and knowledge of the upcoming move that is on the back of our minds.  The other day he came up to me upset and down because he felt that we were missing out on summer and because we have so much left to do, we'd never be able to enjoy it fully.

However, today it felt like the old days when we used to something special regularly.  The two of us haven't really sat down and looked at our honeymoon options since we initially purchased our tickets back in March.   So the two of us took the guidebooks we purchased months ago, drove to Gloucester, and sat on the grass by the ocean writing down activities that we may be able to ask friends and family to help us participate in with a honeymoon registry.  Everyone seems to be asking me about the registries recently so it's become my priority number one.  I want to get that done once and for all and stop thinking about it.

After spending a couple of hours by the water and under the sun, we had a solid list going and we were even more excited about Hawaii than we were originally.  Of course, there are a couple of activities that will require reservations in advance so we may have to purchase a couple that we definitely want regardless of whether or not friends and family choose to pitch in.   I have a bit more to research because I want to make sure that what we ask for is what we really want to do but I've made a commitment to get it up by Tuesday.  Dave doesn't know that yet but that gives us tomorrow afternoon and Monday where we will be seeing Jamie and her mom, both of whom have been to and loved Hawaii.   For sure, our honeymoon will be a topic of conversation this 4th of July (if Jamie and her mom are willing).  Then it's just a matter of posting it to our website.

So that's that.  I had more to say but I have written enough for tonight.

Secret Fantasies

The world in my head is sometimes so much better than reality.  Sometimes I am surprised by my own age because I have the imagination and the fantasy world of a twelve year old.   There are no limits in the world of fantasy.  I can be anything I dream of, even have supernatural powers if I chose.  It's too bad I can live in that world.   There are times though that I wonder if I could actually be capable of the things I imagine (the more realistic ideals).  They aren't all that far-fetched but they seem that way sometimes.

Dave and I were discussing a couple of them and he asked a valid question. "Do you think these fantasies and dreams hold you back?"  At the time I said I didn't think so but I'm honestly not so sure.  There is the chance that I could be living too much in my head and that it's preventing me from actually going after what I wanted in reality.   He asked if I thought I should bring this up to my therapist and get her thoughts.  At the time I was reluctant but now, I'm not so sure.  She did help me figure out my "superhero" fantasies.  It also can't be denied that much of what I'm dreaming about is career related and I am currently dealing with some of what's holding me back there.  Maybe there's some significance.

I don't know.  I'd go into more detail to explain myself better but I'm not quite ready to reveal these thoughts.  They are too personal, too ambitious, and too impractical.  Everyone has certain pieces of themselves that they aren't willing to share with others.  Normally, I've prided myself on being an open book.  I didn't have secrets and I wasn't afraid to talk about anything.  Truth of the matter is, everyone has at least one or two things they wish to remain secret: dreams, pieces of their pasts, etc.  It's not about people trying to hide their true selves like I used to think.  It's so much more than that and it's something I think I finally understand.