Online Community

I tackled my Google Reader today and began to edit.  There are so many blogs that I'm subscribed to that no longer influence me.  The number of unread posts just grows and grows.  I'm not interested to see what they've posted today or what they are writing about.  Perhaps they are too established.  Their businesses are these blogs and between the guest writers and advertisements and references to entries past, it feel like it's just too much.  Even one of my favorites is not a business and it's changed.  I liked it so much more when it was just one person writing about her thoughts and feelings on a subject and there was a small community around it.  It was an illusion but I felt like I was part of that community.  Now, however, it just seems so big.  The idea of getting her attention feels like it would be like soliciting notice from a famous person.  

This is not to say that I find fault in her turning her blog into a business.  In fact, I feel just the opposite.  In so many ways it's inspiring.  Here was this one girl who sat down to write about the stresses of wedding planning and it grew into something that she could actually live off us.  That's amazing.  Of course, I also know that it requires a lot more work and effort.  It was never my intention for this to become anything famous; it's far too personal. I think I'd be more comfortable naked in Times Square than having this blog be read regularly by more than my few trusted friends or the unknown passersby who don't really care about my rantings.  I've purposely chosen not to give out this address to anyone other than a few select people.  So, no my feelings in the first paragraph are not a result of competitiveness or jealously.  Is it bad that I always ask myself if I'm secretly jealous or resentful when I complain because I know my competitiveness has clouded my opinions in the past?  

I will admit that I am somewhat envious about not belonging to an online community.  Though I never intended to create my own community with this blog, I feel like I never found the ability to be part of anyone else's online community.  I'm slightly jealous of those who can read someone else's blog and within months or days become a key part of that person's circle.  How does one even do that?  A friend of mine met one of her closest real life friends through an online community and I know she is not the only one.  I just wouldn't even know where to begin.  My feelings stated in the first part of my writing have little to do with the fact that the blogs I used to read are now too big but more from the inability to believe the illusion that I was ever a part of their communities. 

It's really weird and kind of embarrassing to admit but I feel sort of left out. Don't get me wrong; I was never a follower of their blogs when they were in their infancy.  I came in when the were well established with a generous following but before every other post was written by someone else because it became a business thing.  I never felt like I was on the inside but I never felt like I was on the outside either.  Now, I feel like I'm an outsider and I feel super naive that I believed that I was also part of that community.  It's silly really to write an entire post about this but it happens.  Who knew that unsubscribing to a couple of blogs would have such a big effect.