Alli and her roommates had a Halloween party tonight that I was unfortunately unable to make. Not that I didn't want to be there but because I'm a moron. In the craziness of wedding planning I agreed to work tonight without realizing it was the same day as the party. Of course because I, myself am crazy I was super embarrassed and felt super guilty. How could I forget after everything that it was the same day. Again because I'm a nutcase, my embarrassment caused me to never actually let them know that I wasn't coming which makes it even worse. I mean, it's not one of those parties where you had to rsvp because they were spending money or anything like that but it's a respect thing.
So now I'm feeling awful. I did send Alli a text and left her a voice-mail but I'm sure she's too busy partying it up to have responded. My hope is that she's not too upset. She has every right to be upset with me but I hope I'm making a far bigger deal like I tend to do. It looks like there were lots of people going based on Facebook so I doubt I was missed in any major way. So yeah, I'm a bit nervous that I made someone I love dearly upset with me. I mean, it was just so silly of me and super immature. And I thought I was getting so much better about this kind of stuff.
On a more positive note, I am doing pretty well with the fact that I'm not there. One of my many issues is that when I can't make it somewhere, I tend to get really anxious that I'm missing out. When I was younger I was told that if I'm not present in group situations then they'll forgot about me. Because I was in middle school at that time of course what that person said was exactly what happened. Even though I know logically that's how things are in middle school and that the friends I have today won't just discard me because I couldn't make it (you know, if I'm a normal, mature adult who is straight up with them) somehow it just stuck with me. Since that day, I've struggled with it but slowly I'm doing so much better with it.
What's crazy is that I would be totally cool with those issues tonight had I not messed it up so royally. Anyway, despite how nervous I am I need to step back and let it be for now. There's nothing I can do at this current moment and hopefully I'll be able to talk with Alli and Beth later about it and everything will be okay. Or it won't and then I'll have to go from there and see if there is something I can do to make up for it. At least I have grown in that way.
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