So as many of you know, I've decided to look into hospice care and become a volunteer. In fact, I actually signed up for a Hospice training course taking place on Thursday mornings. I had my first class last week and liked it. At the class we received some paperwork including three reference forms that needed to be filled out by anyone other than family. I hate reference forms. I hate having to ask people to complete them for me so of course my initial reaction was, "who am I going to ask?"
Dave mentioned my coworkers and something about it just didn't feel right. Still, I thought about it and figured that they would be easy to ask since I see them so often. So last night I sent an email out to those coworkers on my team that I've had a decent relationship. They didn't respond. I knew then that I should just let it go because in truth, they don't understand what I've gone through recently.
Like most people I've encountered, they've tried to be supportive but really they feel like this is something that happened years ago and I just need to get over it. They see and probably resent that fact that I've had to call in because of my issues and think I'm not going to have the mental capabilities to handle something like hospice. Maybe I won't but I feel like I want to try.
Anyway, with these potential thoughts and feelings in the background, no one responded to my email. Of course, feeling vulnerable I pushed a little further when I just should have cut my losses and walked. Still I told them that the forms were on my desk and showed them what they looked like before I left for the evening. Today, when I came in I received two notes saying, "I wish you the best of luck but I don't complete referrals."
And there it was: I was being rejected, big time. In fact, these people who I thought I had established some sort of relationship with might not like me at all. I've spent all this time time justifying my job because of the people and I now realize that maybe that's all it is: a justification. Maybe it really is time for me to leave. I mean, sure when I move to first shift I will be leaving this team but maybe I really do need to start looking elsewhere all together.
Of the six people I asked, I had two people who came forward. Perhaps I should just focus on their wonderful responses. Still, it's hard to swallow that four people who I thought would be really supportive didn't feel like that could do this for me. Two told me no outright and two didn't respond at all. When I got home I cried at Dave for a bit and then distracted myself with another conversation topic.
At this point though, I've realized that I place a much higher value on these relationships I thought I had at work so I could justify my staying there. I haven't been looking for two main reasons: one is that I don't have any idea what I should be looking for and two is that I've been so afraid of interviews. I'm afraid of being rejected. I've stayed at this job because I thought I was safe from that kind of rejection. Now, though it's all changed. My coworkers, my team of almost two years just flat out rejected me.
I suppose rejection is a part of life. In a way, I can understand it from them. It's been a really tough year for me and they've picked my slack. There will be times that I'm sure I'll be rejected for far worse reasons. If I crumble with every rejection, I'll never get anywhere so I think its time for me to put myself back out there. I mean, what is my excuse going to be now?
No comments:
Post a Comment