Dreams

Waking up this morning was terrible.  I struggled hard core.  Dave was working from home this morning and every time he came over to wake me up I felt supremely annoyed.  I didn't want him near me, I didn't want him to wake me up, and I just wanted to be left alone.  He said I wasn't that bad so a lot of it must have been in my head.   Really, he was interrupting a dream.   It was another dream in a series, it seems.  I don't know what to make of them.

It is said that your subconscious speaks to you by way of your dreams.  In her book Sacred Contracts, Caroline Myss argues that the divine may also try to speak with you through your dreams. She talks about her dreams regarding an airplane and how she had many dreams with the same theme. She kept trying to take her flight but there was always something that prevented her.  She understood the message, then.  I don't know what mine are trying to tell me.

Months ago, possibly a year ago, I had this reoccurring dream where I would be in high school trying to get to my next class but I had no idea what that class was, where it was, or what was due.  There was this overwhelming fear that I hadn't done the work and my grades were going to suffer but how can I do work for classes or go to classes when I don't even know which classes they are?

Later, I had another couple of dream where a Chemistry test was looming.  Each time I was unprepared and each time something came up where I didn't have to take the test.   Of course I eventually did have the dream when the test was administered.  Despite the prior dreams where I felt relieved each time it didn't happened and vow to study,  I still wasn't prepared for the test at all.   Instead I completely flubbed my way through it.  There was something about forgetting my book at school over the weekend and therefore couldn't study.   This dreams happened a couple of months ago.

Then last week, I had dream where I got my grade.  I had bombed it with a score of 52%.  On the bottom my teacher had written, "you will be receiving a letter about graduating early.  You can disregard that letter now."  Everyone around me did much better and embarrassed me during the class by alluding to my horrible scores.  I felt panicked.  I tried to explain but he wouldn't listen.  I then became angry.  He doesn't know why I did so poorly;  maybe something terrible happened to me earlier that day... maybe I was raped.   A stellar student on course to graduate early fails one test and you don't wonder why?

Even waking up I was angry.  As my world came back into to focus I remembered that I've already graduated from high school and college.  That made me angrier.  I achieved both despite being raped.   It wasn't until much later that I even questioned what my being raped had to do with anything.  Why does that matter?  Who cares (aside from myself, that is)?  As the day progressed I remembered the previous dream where I was never prepared so why the heck was I so angry?  I didn't study so it would be make sense that I wouldn't pass.

This morning I had another dream where it was our last day of school and we were going through each class recapping the four years.  I remembered how much fun it all was and how sad and terrified I was for it to end.  All I could think about was how everything was changing and I would need to go to college and do it again.  Even in my dream though, a part of me knew I had already done it and I had a blast.  Still I was overcome by fear.   When I finally did wake up I was soaked in my sweat and just kept thinking... "College was fine.  You did it and it was a great time too."

Yesterday I dreamed about going back to work at The Body Shop.  Now, I thoroughly loved working at that store.  I only really left because I was tired of working nights and weekends for such small pay. During this dream, I couldn't do it.  I kept ringing things in twice completely messing up orders.  My managers kept stepping in and I was completely useless.  In addition the store was so much bigger and it never seemed to close.  All the other stores closed but ours.  Finally there was something about a dress code and a roller coaster tied into it at some point.

So I don't know why these things that I've already accomplished and were relatively successful coming up in my dreams again?  Especially in such a way where I'm lost and failing and afraid.   It's not making sense to me.  I wonder tonight's dream will be.