I felt so much worse this morning than I did last night. Thank goodness I didn't have to go in to work so I was able to stay in bed just about the whole day. Of course, it wasn't exactly how I wanted to spend my day off but at least I didn't have to go into work. I don't think I could have done that. My voice is almost gone. There's some weight in my chest too and it's really difficult to breathe but my hope is that I'll feel better by tomorrow as I've been really trying to make an effort to get to work and I don't want to call in sick again even if I am legitimately sick this time.
I've spent most of the day in bed either sleeping or playing Tetris on my phone. I can spend hours playing that game. Now I'm on the couch typing this and watching the t.v show, "I'm Having Their Baby" about women who have chosen to give up their babies for one reason or another. I'm interested to see how the show turns out. I like that there is a show like this out there. It helps people know that there is another choice between having and taking care of the baby yourself or aborting it. Of course, anyone who knows me knows that I am pro-choice and wouldn't judge anyone if that was choice that they made.
It's kind of strange. For the first time in my life, I'm not dreadfully afraid of getting pregnant. I mean, I don't necessarily want a little one any time soon but for the first time in my life I feel like if I did get pregnant by accident, it wouldn't be the end of the world. For years I was utterly terrified about getting pregnant. If my period was even one day late I would freak out. I was so afraid that I would be faced with the choice that I would not wish on anyone. Of course, there were times that I knew for sure what I would do.
Like right now, I know that if I were to get pregnant that I would have it. I'm in a place now that I feel confident that I could be a mom. That makes it easy. Having the baby and keeping it is what I've always wanted but there were times in my life when I didn't know if I could do it if it happened. My entire relationship with Brian and a good portion of my relationship with Dave I was really torn. Technically I knew that I was old enough to have a baby, I'd have the support from the dad, and abortion would've been an extremely selfish choice. However, I was terrified that was the choice I would make. Adoption would be really difficult. I know that I would get attached so quickly.
When I was Greg though, I knew that an abortion was the only option. I couldn't have that baby in high school and he would have never allowed me to give it up for adoption. There was no way I was going to leave my child with that man. I would have had to be involved. There would be awful custody arguments and in the end I know he would use my child to submit to any and all his wishes. There was no way I could do that but I was also so terrified about the consequences of abortions. He would've used that against me too. I'm so incredibly grateful that I never had to face that choice. However, because of my particular circumstance, I could never, ever be against abortion. I understand that sometimes there is no other healthy choice.
So yeah that was a random tangent. I'm so lucky that nothing like that ever happened. Dave and I are not emotionally or financially ready for a child right now but if it does happen, I will do whatever is necessary to be as wonderful mom as I could be. That's a little bit of progress, I guess.
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