Words to fill the screen

I'm going to write early tonight because I have a feeling that I'm not going to want to later.  For whatever reason, I just haven't been feeling like writing recently.  I don't know what it is.  It's like I go through these phases of writing super long posts multiple days in a row and then now wanting to write anything at all.  Although, my forcing myself to write now is in line with my forcing myself to do the many other things recently.  I know from experience that forcing myself to do it now will promote me to keep it up later.  Like anything else, some days are easier than others.

Work today dragged on.  Why is it that some days seem to go faster or slower?  It's the same number of hours but there are just certain days that seem to never progress.  I know it's just a matter of perspective so depending on you mood, what seemed to move quickly the week or the day before moves at a snail's pace.  Ugh on a totally unrelated note, there is going to be yet another singing competition show airing soon.  Really?  How many versions of the same show are we going to have on the air at the same time?  I've never really been the biggest fan of these kinds of shows despite singing throughout high school; it's just a bunch of people belting and it gets really old so quickly.  At least for me anyway.  I suppose there plenty of people who could easily ask me, "what makes this show about so-and-so murdering someone different from the rest of the shows you watch?"  The answer: Nothing.  It's a matter of motive and how but even that can get become rather routine as these are stories that actually happened and there aren't any writers behind the scenes scripting different reasons for a wife to kill their husbands or different methods.  Still, I find them fascinating so who am I to judge anyone who enjoys the singing competitions?

Okay, that's enough of this post!

Early to bed

I might turn in early tonight.  Tomorrow is Sunday so I have to wake up super early for work and I've come home from Katie's not feeling my best.  Of course, I had a wonderful time as I knew I would but I'm sad because I'll never be able to own cats.  Ever.  Katie and Jared's kitties are adorable and I want to pet them but my allergies forbid it.  Within a half hour my nose was completely congested and I was rapidly losing my voice.   I wanted to stay longer, linger a while more, but knowing I needed my voice for the phones tomorrow so I left sooner than I anticipated.

Now that I'm home, it's like I've hit a wall.   I haven't spoken much so I'm unsure of where my voice is at but I just feel exhausted.  So I think I just might finish this episode of "Scorned: Love Kills" before going to bed.  That's a good idea.  I will do just that.

Small post

Got through work again!  I think I was on a caffeine high for the majority of it which is so much better than the anxiety.  Maybe I can conquer this thing, whatever it is.  Also, I began reading a book that I've read many, many times already but haven't read in a while.  I've been meaning to read it again but just never got around to it.  I'm actually reading it really quickly as I'm already halfway through and I forgot how much I enjoyed it.   It's one of a giant series that I never finished but the books took too long to come out when I initially started reading it.

Alright, that's about all I got tonight.  I'm so not in the mood to write tonight.  I mean, I am but I don't feel like I have much to say.  Yeah, I'm done.

Baby Steps

I made it through the dentist this morning.  I'm just chock full of tiny successes in overcoming my anxiety issues.  During the day these past two days I've spent my time at Barnes and Noble reading about Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, trying to be proactive about it.  Truth is, I've allow it to get the best of me recently.  I got so tired of fighting that I just stopped.  I gave up and stopping trying.  For the first time though, I am not blaming myself for it nor am I blaming anyone else.  I've been struggling for over two years now and I was bound to get overwhelmed and give up at some point.

However, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf.  I've got to get to work tomorrow.  I made plans with Katie, Jared, Alli, and Nate for Saturday night which I'm also proud of because I've recently allowed myself to become a hermit.  Dave is going to a bachelor's party that night so I originally just planned to stay at home and watch movies and have a night to myself.  Had I still been in my "I give up" state, I would've tried to find some excuse to not go to Katie's and just stayed at home like a hermit where I am most comfortable.  It's not that I don't want to hang out with them but I've felt like I haven't been all that much fun to be around. That plus the effort of getting up or getting off the couch to actually interact and engage with others rather than mindlessly avoiding everything with movies or t.v. shows seemed too much to power through before.

It's still requires a lot of effort; my new mindset hasn't changed that fact yet.  However, now I'm working diligently to get through it.  Does it leave me feeling exhausted?  Yes.  Do I feel fatigued? Yes.  Do I just want to curl back into bed and not deal with the world?  Most definitely but I can't.  That only perpetuates the problem.   Of course, there are going to be times when it gets to be too much and I have to listen to my body and not try to push myself to hard or too fast into things.  Having a massive panic attack in public, at work, or with friends would be super counter-productive.  I haven't had one outside of this apartment yet and I'd like to keep it that way.

I have the tools though.  I have my medication, if I need it.  More than that I have really decent people who will understand if I reach my limits and can no longer be there.  My work gets it and will allow me to go home if need be.  Katie and Alli certainly won't force me to stay longer than I'm comfortable though I know that they would both prefer to be there for me.  However, I hate panicking.  Dave's the only one who's seen it and that's only because he lives with me and has no choice.  I still hate that he's seen it, that he's had to deal with it.  In reality, I know that once I get to Katie's I'm going to have a great time so I don't really have anything to worry about.

So yeah, I'm hoping that I can continue with my successes.  As small as they may be, I need to start somewhere.

Happy Birthday Dad!

Happy Birthday Dad! Although my dad is not the biggest fan of reading, I do think he reads this so I can give him a shout out here.  I didn't make it home today to wish him a happy birthday in person which I feel badly about but I'm planning to visit him on Sunday after work to celebrate.  It's weird, this year my parents are exactly double the age I'll be in November.  I learned that in Canada on a Niagara Falls trip one year.  There's some formula that I can't remember now that I thought was cool when I first saw it and then realized just how logical it was.  So, that's the random tidbit for the day. 

Anyway, my dad is super awesome.  It's amazing how much you appreciate your parents as you get older.  I mean, I loved and respected my father a great deal when I was a teenager but we certainly didn't always see eye to eye.  I'm really grateful that over the years I've grown closer to him and would count him as a good friend who also happens to be my dad.  What's also great is the change in him as he too sees my sister and I in a similar light.  Sure, he is still our parent but he's not actively parenting us the way he used to when we were younger.  I think he views us more as actual adults entirely capable of making our own choices and leading our own lives.  He's now able to act like a friend in our lives as well.  

Okay, I hope that wasn't too long dad.  I know you'd rather not read so I'm not going to go on forever.  I love you and thank you for being the bestest dad ever!

Breathe

In my last entry, I wrote about my work being a "safe" place for me physically and mentally.  I didn't expect to be challenged so quickly.  Today would have been a day that I would have called into work due to my anxiety.  Instead, I called to say that I was going to be late, tried to gather myself together, and got there about an hour after I was scheduled.  I mean, that's better than calling in all together right.  On the bright side, I made it through the six hours without panic, dying, or needing to leave early.  On the dimmer side, I spent the entire six hours working there a complete and utter nervous wreck.

I think I did a really good job masking it.  I faked it and I made it so I should be happy right?  My goal was to go in no matter what and really try to overcome the anxiety while I'm there.  I mean, when this all began I would panic just walking into my apartment, trying to sleep next to a man I wasn't sure I loved, trying to figure out what was real and what wasn't.   During that time, I had multiple panic attacks a day.  Still, with medication and therapy and a lot of work trying reconnecting with myself, I got through it.  It was hard and it was terrifying and I broke down numerous times.  I need to expect that it is going to happen with work, I mean, until I figure out what's triggering it.

It's amazing how you can forget something that was a normal not that long ago.  I've forgotten just how exhausting and long six hours is when you feel like everything inside is just screaming but you're unable to express it.  Instead you paste on a smile, pick up the phone, and happily, "Thank you for calling card services.  My name is Denise.  May I have your name, please?"  Luckily, you've got this routine down pat so you can say to yourself, "It's okay.  This is a safe place.  You've got this" while the person on the other tries to explain or freaks out about their problems.  You hang up the phone, take a deep breath, notice there are still three calls in queue, and you do it all over again.   I got through the day.   I answered forty phone calls, QC'd the giant pile of yesterday's work, and made another 45-50 fraud calls and I did it without crying or screaming or panicking.

I was myself and I wasn't at the exact same time.  When I left work, I was proud of myself.  I didn't let my panic and anxiety control me.  Hell, my cramps even came back and I didn't have any more Advil left causing bringing myself almost to the point where I thought I wasn't going to make.  My heart racing, my palms sweaty, my feet feeling the slight tingle.  Still, I managed to keep my control.  I was proud of myself.  Now, though, I just feel angry.  I'm frustrated, angry, irritated, and exhausted.  Now, I feel like I didn't do the right thing.  Now that the day is finally over and I achieved what I needed to, I feel more confused than ever.

Safe place

I went back to work for the first time since I spoke with everyone about my life.  Well, technically I went to work yesterday but no one is there on Sundays with the exception of 3 of us so I'm not counting that. I must say, I think that talking with them and sharing what I was going through has taken a huge weight off my shoulders.  Waking up today, I didn't feel as anxious about going to work.  It's also a very, very comforting that I have Thursdays off again.  I think the split weekend was wrecking me.  It's amazing how important those two days off are especially when working late into the evening.  

One of my coworkers talked with me last Tuesday and shared that she also suffers from severe anxiety.  Though not exactly the same as mine, there was a lot I could relate to.  One of the major things she said that really stuck with me was that she has made work her "safe" place.   She said that she enjoyed coming to work now because it's one of the few places where she feels safest.  I know that might sound really weird for those who don't have anxiety issue or even for some who do but that made so much sense to me.  I too, could easily work to make where I work feel "safe" for me.  

Already, I felt so much better walking in today with that in mind.  It's true.  Because we have so much personal information, our security is actually pretty top notch.  After a certain hour, the whole building locks down and she need an access card to just get into the building.  More than that though, to access our company, you need your fingerprint as the door will only unlock if you scan the finger that is on file. Anyone not employed by the company must be escorted by someone who is and must be signed in.  Not every company is so secure and that obviously is key to my feeling safe.  

Of course, "safety" isn't all about being physically safe for people with anxiety like mine.  It's about feeling safe mentally as well.  That's really what I've been struggling with recently.  I've been afraid of some of the callers, what they'd say, how'd they say it, how I would respond, etc.  In addition, my anxiety about making mistakes has gone up and I just want to do my job well.  More than anything, I've been anxious about being anxious.  It's so much harder handling the calls and the aggravated cardholders when you feel like the world is shaking underneath your feet.  Then, of course, there's always that chance that you're going to lose it and just outright panic, in front of everyone.  

Since my conversation with my boss and my team lead as well as my email to coworkers those feelings have somewhat abated.  Not entirely, of course (I wish it was like switch) but I'm getting there.  Just knowing that people are aware of what can or could happen and that they are understanding of it has really helped me feel safer mentally.  Like I said, I can't change everything overnight but I am certainly working to try to make my work a "safer" place for me to work.  

Accomplishments and luck

Good news!  We paid off the student loan with the largest interest rate today.  It certainly wasn't the largest one we had but it was definitely costing us the most to pay back so I'm happy about that.  I wish we had it in our power to pay them all off this year but I need to be satisfied with the fact that we'll be paying back about half of them (so long as nothing terrible happens).  Truth is, though we are saving a good bit, we could totally be so much better.  I know people think that we are super frugal and don't necessary understand how we can tolerate this tiny basement apartment and what not but both Dave and I feel that we are totally living in the lap of luxury.

We're really quite lucky.  I personally think this apartment is just right.  I mean, would we really be much happier if we had a nicer window or better kitchen?  I don't believe so.   Sure, our bathroom is a bit small but I have a bathtub that I soak in regularly.  We turn on the heat or the air conditioning when we need to without worrying that we won't be able to afford it when the bill arrives.  Personally, I think it's great that we even have the A.C; not many New Englanders have that because of the expense.  Also, we never worry about going out to eat or buying that one item that we might want.  Are we rolling in the money?  Of course not.   Are we poor or living paycheck to paycheck?  No, and that's a lot to be said today.  There are so many struggling and we were just able to pay back one of the many debts we owe.

Yes, I'm very proud of us.  We did and continue to make a few sacrifices to allow us to these moments.  However, I have to say, though logically I know we've made the concessions I don't really feel like we have.   I don't find myself longing for more or for something bigger.  If we can be lucky enough to continue living like this, I think we'd be very happy.

Saturday

Why is it that every time my monthly friend visits, my nose also decides it also isn't going to cooperate? As if the bloating, cramps, irritability, and exhaustion aren't enough to deal with I also get nasal congestion and sneezing fits.  This does not make me a happy person.  What a way to spend a Saturday!  It didn't start out badly though.  Actually, overall the day was pretty decent.  I'm just feeling kind of crappy now.

This morning I woke up early (for me anyway) and drove back to my hometown to hang out with Jamie and get my car looked at.  I was in need of my 60K checkup, an oil change, an inspection sticker, and my windshield wiper was still in disarray.  I've needed this for a while but was dreading it since Dave's recent checkup cost us a small fortune.  However, mine was manageable considering all that was done.  Inexpensive?  No, but I don't feel like it's going to break the bank.  It's nice to go in and not hear about a zillion other things that need to be done that you weren't expecting.   So, my car is in good shape again so that feels nice.

Also, I got to see Jamie.  She and I haven't had the chance to hang out or even talk for ages.  Really, I think it's been a month or something.   After she helped me drop my car off we went for breakfast, had a wonderful conversation, then walked about in Newburyport.  Of course, as we were arriving I started feeling all those lovely symptoms and things slowly went downhill from there.  Despite everything, I did have a decent time but found that I needed to end things early.  I just kept feeling worse and worse and though she said she couldn't tell, I felt like everything coming out of my mouth sounded wrong and cranky.

When I got home, Dave put me to bed and I slept for a bit which felt wonderful being snuggled up to him and my new stuffed Uglydoll I bought earlier.  We had some dinner and I mindlessly perused the internet while my sneezing increase and my nose got more and more congested.  Now, I find myself typing this so I can crash in bed within the next few minutes.  I need to get up early tomorrow so I need to get my rest.

I want a puppy

Sometimes I get really scared.  Fearful of the world.  Fearful of myself.  Fearful that Dabey is going to lose his shit over trying to make homemade cookies.  Okay, I'm not really fearful about the last one.  He just likes to swear at the things he doesn't understand.  Luckily, he understands me.  I think he understands me better than me sometimes.  Other times, I feel badly for him because other times I feel like if he truly understood then he'd run so far away in the opposite direction.

Damaged goods.  Yes, that's what I am. I'm the product that was jostled too many time during the commute to the home that by the time that it was received, it was only able to function at 47% instead of 100.  Perhaps it wasn't made strong enough to begin with?  Maybe it was defective long before they packaged it up and sent it to the consumer.  I don't know but these poor consumers, well they don't know any better.  They never experienced anything like this product.  They don't know that they are getting just barely more than 53% usage out of it.  They don't realize just how happy they'd be if they had gotten the quality stuff.  They accept it because that's all they know.

Sometimes I get angry.  Like really, really mad.  I get mad at myself.  I get mad at my friends.  I get mad at my family.  I get mad at my government.  I get mad at myself again.  I never get mad at him.  Is that bad?  I idolize him in so many ways.  I'm not really mad at anyone else.  I am just mad at myself.  Wow, a lot of sentences in this paragraph started with the letter, "I" maybe I'm narcisstic?  I can't spell it but I don't want to click on the little red squiggly underneath it and get the proper spelling because I'm a lazy writer.  Yeah, lazzzzzzy.  Drunk and lazy. 

I love my husband.  More than the world.  I think if I had to choose if the world would be destroyed or that I would lose him.  I choose the destruction of the world.  Then he would get mad because I was so selfish and chose him over the world and he'd leave me anyway.  Hopefully, I'll never have to make that choice because either way I lose.  Le sigh.  Sometimes I'm glad he sees me differently than I see myself.  Like now.  Like right now.  He's battling over homemade cookies and I'm just sitting here typing away. Typing nonsense. 

My dad's probably going to get worried again after reading this entry.  Don't worry dad.  I love you and you did make a decent daughter.  Two of them actually.  No need to worry.  I'm good.  Just drunk.  Just drunk and thinking and needing to write my post before I eat cookies.  Bad combination, if I say so myself.  I'm good though. I'm not going to do anything dumb except eat lots of cookies.  I appreciate that you love me enough to worry though.  Mom too.  I'm so incredibly lucky to have such amazing parents.  So many aren't so lucky but I am and that makes me happy. See I'm happy now too.  Happy, sad, fearful, angry.  It's all better than numbness.  My therapist would consider this improvement, I think.  I'll ask her at the next session, if I remember.  I'm going to go help Dabey now. 

Love you all especially Dabey and my parents and my friends.  Yeah, I love love. tap tap tap.  Dabey making music with the spoon and the bowl.   He's such a cutie.

Affirmations for the Self

I've been doing a lot of reading on Self-Esteem.  As you all know, mine requires a bit of work.  Many times I am too hard on myself and I always think about what I could do better over what I've done well.  Sadly, I'm not alone.  There are many of us out there that struggle with liking and appreciate ourselves and what we have to offer.  Too many of us are quick to knock ourselves down and slow to recognize our successes.

According to Glenn R Schiraldi, the author of The Self-Esteem Workbook, self-esteem can be improved vastly with cognitive therapy arguing that those with self-esteem think about personal failings and challenges differently.  Therefore, by challenging negative thought patterns and creating a "habit" of positive thinking, people with initially low self-esteem will begin to feel better about themselves and their behavior providing positive reinforcement toward all future actions.   He states that "by focusing on what is 'wrong' with themselves, people without self-esteem feel deficient and inadequate.   They become defeated, losing motivation and the joy of experiencing oneself as worthwhile.  If they do push themselves to grow, they do so with perfectionistic standards, in a driven and joyless fashion that paradoxically impairs success.  People with self-esteem, by contrast, acknowledge the rightness of the core, despite the rough edges and imperfections.  By focusing on what is right, they motivate themselves to grow with a carrot, not a stick."

In his book, he provides many positive sentences to say to yourself on a daily basis through meditation that he details.  Of course, I've found modern day meditation to be a bit challenging.   Sitting in silence and focusing on each thought multiple times will be very difficult for me.  I'm not good with sitting still for very long with a long lists of positive affirmations to reflect on.  However, I'm very good with prayer: a form of meditation in it's own way.   So I've tried to take many of his sentences and ideas in his book as a whole, reword them and move them around a bit, to create a "self-affirmation prayer."  My hope is that through constant reading and rereading, I'll be able to find a flow and structure to the words to the point where it become part of memory.  That way, during difficult times, I can (hopefully) recite it without needing it in front of me.  Really, that's sort of the point of most meditation anyway.  I'll more than likely have to reword it further and change it's structure.  Formulating poetry and prayer is not one of my strongest suits but hopefully, I'll figure out a way to make it work.  Anyway, here is what I came up with for now.  Remember, most of these words are his, not mine.  What's mine is the formatting.    Feel Free to use it to make it work for yourself though.

Affirmations for the Self

We are all born with infinite, eternal, and unconditional worth.

Since worth is internal, it can never be strengthened nor diminished. 

Since worth is equal, it is not comparative or competitive.

Since worth is stable, it cannot be lost, taken, or destroyed.

All worth exists in the core of a person.  It doesn’t have to be earned or proven. 

Our core is beautiful, lovable, and full of potential. 

I will feel stable and secure inside because I rightly regard my core worth.

I am a worthwhile person. 

I am aware of my strengths and I respect them.

I am capable of applying the time, effort, patience, training, and assistance needed to live well.

Criticism is external: I examine it for ways to improve but it doesn’t affect my worth.

My behavior is not my core: I examine it for ways to improve but it doesn’t affect my worth.

I notice and enjoy each sign of achievement or progress, no matter how insignificant it seems.

I enjoy new challenges and don’t get upset when things do go well immediately.

I accept myself because I realize that I am more than my foible, mistakes, or any other externals.

I generally show sound judgment in relationships and work.

The work I do is generally good quality; I expect to do many worthwhile things in my life.

I can usually earn people’s trust and affection through sincere and respectful treatment; if not, that’s okay.

I expect others to like me; if not, that’s okay too.

I can influence others with well-reasoned viewpoints that I can present and defend effectively.

I can make a difference in people’s lives by what I contribute.

I enjoy making others feel happier and glad for the time we shared.

I like myself without comparison to others.

I am glad to be unique.

I have many attributes and qualities to offer to others.

I can laugh at some of the ridiculous things I do.

Overall, I think well of myself: this is good.

Mental sickness

Well, my test results from my physical came in the mail today.  Everything was normal.  On the one hand I'm very happy about that as it means that nothing is physically wrong with me.  However, there is a tiny part of me that kind of hoped for something other than it being purely psychosomatic.  I knew that it was but now I just have to accept it.   My sleeping problems and my waking problems are all in my head... just like all my other problems.  Can I cut my head off and get a new one please?  This one is defective.  Sadly, we don't have that technology and how could I even determine what kind of new head to get?  Where would it come from?  Could the make a replica of my current head but without all the weird glitches or would I have to get some dead person's head the others get their organs?   Okay, I took that way too far.  Sorry about that.

Anyway, armed with that recent knowledge, all I can do is continue trudging through my mental trenches.  When I'm caught up in the battlefield of my past while dreaming, I need to just make myself get out of bed.  Maybe splash some water on my face or brush my teeth or eat or something and then see if I'm still tired enough to go back to sleep.   I can no longer delude myself with "there might be something physically wrong with me" to justify my sleeping longer than necessary so we'll see.  Hopefully that will work out.   I'm tired of my psychological issues.  Earlier today, I sat down with my parents and it's hard to hear them say they feel helpless.  Of course, if I were them, I'd feel the exact same way but sometimes support and encouragement is all you can give until the person can gain the tools to help herself.   For a portion of our discussion, I explained all that I had learned about trauma recovery and how it can be a long, arduous process with many setbacks to some.  It was weird saying that what I was going through was normal in this strange world but it's still hard.

Mental illness is treated so differently here.  If I had gotten into a terrible car-wreck and hurt my back few would question my slow recovery or the recurrence of symptoms that creep back up due to a simple sneeze.  Even if that sneeze happened years later and caused the prior injury to deliver a fresh brand new wave of pain, no one would question my inability to go to work or to get out of bed or to get back into bed.   Especially if I was seeking treatment and received a written confirmation that due to my symptoms there are days I would be unable to do perform my daily responsibilities.  People understand physical injuries.  They can put themselves in the person's shoes somewhat.  No one would ever say, "my back wouldn't be affected by a sneeze years later" and certainly no one would ever ask, "God, that happened a long time ago.  Can't you just forget out about and put it behind you?"  No one says these things about physical injuries but they are so quick to say them about the mental injuries.

Luckily, that analogy has helped many people understand a bit better when they ask me a question like that.  People who experience panic truly understand.  The get how incapacitating and scary it is.  They know how your hands clench with numbness and you lose sensation in your feet.  However, for those who never experience that can't possibly understand.  I certainly didn't until I had my first one.  I'm not blaming anyone here.  Mental sickness is still relatively new and only just beginning to be accepted and it's very difficult to understand.  I'll never understand what it would be like to hear voices (at least I hope not) but that doesn't make those who do hear the voices "less strong or less capable" than me.  It's a sickness, like physical sickness.  Luckily though, mental illness tends to not be as contagious as the flu.  God, that would a CDC nightmare!

Work

At work tonight I spoke to my boss about what I'm going through.  It's been very difficult for me recently and I was super nervous about approaching them.  Luckily she was super understanding and our talk went so well that when I got back to my desk and wrote to my team giving them the very brief description of what I was going through.  The response from them was super heartening and it really helped me out a lot.  My anxiety somehow began being associated with work.  I kept feeling afraid that I would have a panic attack in the middle of my shift and expressing that fear to my colleagues and hearing that they are so supportive is actually making me less anxious about everything.  I feel like I've opened a window and got some fresh air into a very stale room.   Who knew that expressing my fears would be so liberating.   I'm so lucky to have their support.

Writing

I had a horrible day today.  When I woke up, I felt like death, had a panic attack just before work, called in, and sat around all day feeling sorry for myself.  Luckily Dave spent the evening at Feis's and I was able to throw myself a bash of a pity party without anyone bearing witness to it.  Finally, I ended up watching Dr. Phil and Judge Judy.  Yes folks, I stooped to that level where I needed the morons of television to lift me up and make me feel better about myself.  "At least I'm not them," I kept thinking.  How terrible, right?  At some point during the 5pm news I dosed off and felt slightly better after waking to the first part of my mother's day gift arriving.  I turned off the news, completed a bit more of my paint by numbers to help center myself, and eventually took a bath.

Then something strange happened.  I started brainstorming about different writing projects and found myself making use of my newly created office for the first time since we established it.  Instead of Dave coming home to a sobbing mess of a person, he found me writing diligently at my laptop.  It's nothing creative yet but it could have some promise in the future.  In many ways I'm happy to have started writing something beyond my daily blog entry.  I thought about writing here first, afraid that I'd have little to say once I finished my other writing but then thought better of it.  If I had written here first, I very well could have burned whatever energy spurt I had and gone back to doing nothing.  It was nice.  I left what I was writing unfinished, not exactly happy with where it was going, and hope to return to it tomorrow before going to work.

I think my allergies are getting the best of me.  Or my psychological feelings are creating worse symptoms than usual.  Despite the numerous hours of sleep, I'm going to go to bed early tonight.  I need to go to work tomorrow.  I can't keep allowing my personal pain and anxiety to prevent me from earning a living.  I'll get there.  This is just a small hiccup in a long scheme of things but in reality, I'm ready for it to be over and for me to be back to "normal"- whatever that is now.

Goals

My word! I was just about to go to lie down for bed when I realized I hadn't written yet.  My mind's been racing all day budding with future good intentions that I'll probably never bring to fruition.  Wow, that was a bit of a downer comment but it's also true.  Sadly this writing everyday thing is really the only "goal" I've followed through on.  I guess that's not entirely true.  I did graduate from college and completed a second student teaching experience despite the hell of the first.  I also found a great man and have a wonderful relationship after the hell of that first too.  Hmm... the fact that my first real job wasn't hell mean I'm doomed to get just by?

However, those are things I don't really count.  I had to get through the second student teaching experience.   I don't like to think about what would've happened to me if I had allowed the first one to defeat me.  I'm nothing if not a fighter which is both a blessing and curse depending on any given moment. Not to mention that I had dreamed of being a college graduate from the time I was in elementary school.  Yeah, some little girls dream of weddings.   I dreamed of the doors that I thought would open for me once I graduated.  Maybe they are open and I'm just not looking hard enough or at all.  In regards to  Dave, well he was just pure luck.  That wasn't me setting a goal and going after it.  He came into my life like a storm and blew me away and challenged my way of thinking then like all decent storms provided the sustenance needed to breath new life.  Like I said, that was just luck though.

In reality, this blog is the one thing I have for me and only me.  It's my own creation and it's the one goal not driven by luck or some external factor that I'm really accomplishing.  I did actually accomplish it.  Technically this is bonus but it's one of those things that I feel won't be done until the work on myself is complete and as I'll always be a work in progress, this blog will not come to end either.  Of course, I do have Dave to thank for helping me stay motivated when I didn't want to continue or I just wanted to sit the written dance with myself out.  It's okay that he's helped too.  It doesn't lessen my own accomplishment.  Rarely do people do great things by themselves.  I mean, these a reason why award speeches are timed.  I'm grateful to Dave and I'm proud of myself for this.

Now, I want to bring another dream to life, too.  I have to remember how many false starts I had with journaling.  Since I learned to write I've tried various diaries and journals but never got around to writing every single day the way I do now.  It was something I always wanted to do; I hated that I only seemed to write when I was depressed but not so much when I was happy.  It took almost 20 years for me to get here with writing on a daily basis.  Perhaps I should stop pressuring myself to accomplish my other dreams.  Sometimes they just happen (like Dave), other times you have put on a suit of hypothetical armor and plow through (student teaching), and other times it's just a matter of finding what works for you.  That skin that helped you fight other battles will be invaluable during the pitfalls but when you have a method that works with your way of doing things it makes all the difference in the world.

Meetups

When am I going to learn that I should write earlier in the evening than later?  Thankfully, Dave understands how important this is to me even if I forget sometimes and he coaxes me to sit down and type something out before falling asleep.  Earlier today, Katie had her baby shower.  It was nice to see her family again, many of them I haven't seen since her wedding.  Because Alli and Beth were also there and I haven't seen them in ages either, my attention went towards them more than the others but it was nice to see her family as well.  Michelle, Katie's sister, did such a great job putting the shower together.  The food was delicious and the our craft was fun.  Overall, I think everyone had a good time.

Katie's friend from when she worked in Disney also came up for the shower which I think was totally awesome.  I hadn't seen her in years and it was wonderful to see her.  I got her email address so that I can contact her while down in Disney when we go in December.  Even if we just get to see as a "friend" of a character, that would be enough.  Personally, I would love a lunch or something but working/living in Disney World is different than vacationing so depending on her schedule we may or may not be able to arrange something.  Anyway, it felt really good to see Katie, Alli, and Beth all at the same time.  It's strange how comforting just being in their presence can be.  Living together in college created a bond, at least on my end, that allows me to take down many of my barriers and just be myself.   That's a feeling that I should try to cultivate more.

I was going to type more but I think that's all for tonight.

Kid's furniture

We went and picked up a couple more things for Katie's little one just because I wanted to add a bit more for her gift for tomorrow.  This was my first time really "baby shopping" and I am in so much trouble if more babies enter my life.  They are going to eat my wallet up!  The tiny little outfits and things designed specifically for these little people are a total weakness.  I love small things: small houses, small marshmallows, small cars, small everything.  Children's clothing, toys, and furniture fit in with my taste incredibly.  The furniture really kills me though.  It's so incredibly useless and a waste of money but I love it a lot.  I love the little chairs, couches, tables, beds, play kitchen set, all of it.

Again, completely impractical but I know I will totally want to give my kids a little house with little furniture.  I can so see myself taking a small shed and making it a kids house filling it with a ton of the things from Pottery Barn kids.   I mean, I could give them a little kitchen (though I'd get the non-pink appliances because boys can love the kitchen too).

So while I was writing this and getting pictures from Pottery Barn Kids, I saw that we could design a room and I jumped on the opportunity.  I looked up some inexpensive sheds on Sears.com and found one that was reasonably priced and got the appropriate dimensions and then created a room based on those measurements.  What you see below is what I created.  The bed is a bunk bed with open space underneath where I placed a desk and chair.  I also incorporated "living room/playroom" with a craft table, bookcase, mini kid's sofa, chairs, and storage that can also double as seating.  And of course it wouldn't be a little home without a kitchen and dining room set.  

Yes, I'm utterly ridiculous but all the more reason for me not to have children any time soon.  No children means no temptation to design play homes out of backyard sheds.  Luckily for me, I have a husband who would never let me get away with this even if we could afford it.  This would be the epitome of what he would consider indulging or spoiling our children which he has no intention of doing.  Even as I he helped me with putting my room design on this blog, he made the statement: "we're never going to do this by the way."  You know, just in case I had any other intentions.  

Reflections after therapy

After my therapy appointment, I couldn't bring myself to work extra hours today.   It was an emotional appointment that left me feeling a need to process it.  So I found myself driving around aimlessly for hours half listening to NPR and half trying to process what was discuss during our session.   Driving around is so incredibly therapeutic for me.  It's one of those things you have to be present for; you can't take your attention off the road.  That focus somehow allows me to think about our discussion without being overwhelmed by it.   There is the ability to maintain some distance without dissociating and try to incorporate it to determine where to go from here.  

What do I do with what we discussed today?  That's always the hardest part after my therapy sessions.  So much of it is working to change my thinking but that's so much easier said than done.  I know that I'm safe and my husband is someone I can trust; however, I don't always feel that way.  Sometimes I'm convinced that there's something I'm missing about Dave.  It's like I keep waiting for me to find out that he's betrayed me in some way with secrets or an affair so something.  Isn't that terrible?  I'm a horrible wife, I know.  It's like I'm living in a flashback in some way.  Logically, I know I'm safe and everything is okay but it feels like I'm still living it.  So now, it's just a matter of using "self-talk" whenever I get into those modes.  

After driving for a while, I found that I wasn't content with just using the positive self talk.  I wanted to do something more so I made my way to the closest Barnes and Noble to do some more reading on the topic. There I found a book that was different than many of the others I read.  This book came at PTSD as both a biological and psychological disorder.  Of course, by biological he was referring to legitimate brain damage from many concussions or some other sort of head trauma which doesn't affect me.  However, he gives some ideas on how to heal or repair the brain through sleep and diet.  Some of it overlapped with many of the other things I read but I don't know it, this just sort of sat with me.  Maybe because while I was reading it, I thought more of my cousin than myself so it wasn't so personal.  I sat there, took notes, and though I'm still not sure if I'll be implementing any of it, I felt like I was doing more than just trying to utilize self-talk.  

As much as I wanted to go into work, I'm glad I didn't and took the time to care for myself.  

Gifts

Got my physical completed.  I'm officially okay to begin an exercise regime.  Is it weird that I asked her that?  Ah well.  I can't say I'm not medically cleared so I'll need a different excuse.   Laziness is still the top contender.   Speaking of laziness, I also got some lab work done to see if there may be a physical cause to my excessive amounts of sleep.   Personally, I think that it's all in my head but I wanted double check just to be sure.   I really like the practice that I go to and am thinking about switching just about everything I can to there.  I want to do further research of the ObGyns.  Since Katie's pregnancy, she's got me thinking about all the different ways there are to go about giving birth and I would like to be with a doctors who's affiliated with a hospital that is open to more than one way of doing things.   At least, that way, if or when I do get pregnant I'll feel more confident in who I'm with than only just beginning to question it.

Officially ordered the rest of the mother's day gifts and it's going to get here before then.  Way for me to plan ahead.   Now, just to wrap what I have for Katie and try to give it a little something special.   Buying for babies/parents-to-be is a whole new frontier in the world of gift giving.  Having never had a baby myself and not being close to anyone who's recently given birth, I feel lost.  I'm also not one who's actively planning for when I have my children so it leaves me totally clueless.  Katie is kind of my first real venture into this new world of adulthood.  She was the pioneer on the wedding front too.  I kind of feel badly that I'm learning the ropes through her.  She's getting the worst of me as I try to muddle through it for the first time.  After her wedding, planning a bridal shower and assisting other potential brides became so much easier; however, she got the wide-eyed, ambivalent girl trying to plan hers.  It's similar here.  I know I'm going to end up being so much more creative when it comes to others having children but  poor Katie is getting that raw, unwise person.  

Dave's going to read this and think that I'm being too hard on myself again but it's not that.  It's more that Katie is incredible at these kinds of things.  That girl knows how to plan a party, give gifts, walk with someone as they travel into a new part of their lives.  I can't even begin to convey all of the amazingly creative and awesome parties and gifts she's given me.  Also, if it were me giving birth first, she still know all about the industry and what's helpful, presumptuous, or unnecessary.  She would walk next to me, researching and guiding me in whatever way she could if it was me.  I, on the other hand, feel like I'm running to catch up tripping over myself when attempting to assist probably causing more problems than helping.   I want to be on my A-game with Katie because she means so much to me and I always feel like she drew the short end of the stick.  

Maybe I can make up for it with hours of babysitting?  Hopefully?

To add to this, our friend Beth possesses exactly what I'm looking for.  Having never been married herself or had a child, that girl has already planned the weddings of many of her friends and has this adorable collection of amazing baby ideas.   So no, the fact that it hasn't happened to me yet isn't really a justification; I'm just very egocentric and wish that I wasn't so I could be as helpful to Katie as she is to me.  

Another daily documentation

It was such a busy day at work.  The calls were crazy and fraud was rampant.   There was lots to do and oddly enough, I didn't find myself getting anxious, irritated, or flustered like I normally do.  I think it helped that it was making the day go by more quickly.  It's absolutely awful when it's super busy and the day drags anyway.   Also got a few of the days that I wanted off.  I didn't ask for much and I'll probably need to request more so I don't lose any of the hours that I've earned.

Like yesterday, I slept for far too long and only woke up with just enough time to throw the dishes into the dishwasher and drive to work.  I was determined to get up in time for the dishes.  I don't think I've ever done that but Dave is doing so great with maintaining our apartment.  He did the laundry the other day, he makes sure things are picked up and thrown away.  His discipline is making me stick to it too.  It's so easy to get lazy and let things sit but I don't want to go back there and he doesn't either.   This is good for us.

So yes, I had little productivity before work but since I've come home I've finished the mother's day gifts.    I bought my mom her gift last night too which makes me really happy.  I'd like to get something else for Dave's mom as well but aren't really sure what.   Also, my dad's birthday is just around the corner and I need to get him something so I've got figure that out.  I did get things for Katie.  All I need to is to put them together.   All in all, we've had a few special dates coming up.  Oh yeah, there's also Feis and Becky's wedding gift too.  We're almost there.   I enjoy gifting though and I think I'm getting better at it.  It's always been so hard for me but I'm making those little steps.  I'll be a great gifter some day!