Patterns

Life is all about patterns.  Sure, it can be chaotic and random but there are always patterns.  People are creatures of habit so it makes sense that patterns exist with or without our actual knowledge.  Just before sitting down to write tonight, I recognized another one of my own behavior patterns.   After a few days wanting to do anything else but write and forcing some type of written garbage onto the screen, I almost always end up wanting to write forever.  This would be okay except that I always want those words, those thoughts to be private.  I want to write but I want to write just for myself and I don't want anyone else to read it.  Clearly, during those days I don't want to writing I'm percolating on something (even if I don't know what it is at the time) and then it's like I just want to vomit it all out in words. 

Unfortunately, word vomit is not what I like to share.  When just spilling words out on the page, I might write things I don't mean or haven't fully thought about but if someone else reads them, I feel like I'm committed to whatever those thoughts happened to be.  Yeah, messed up sentence: it's the word vomit.  Of course, why I should feel committed to the thoughts and words during the frantic typing session when I don't really commit to other things that I've fully thought out is beyond me.  Seriously, I'm the most neurotic person I know and I mean that it the kindest way.  There are worse things than being neurotic; I could be an a sociopath and feel absolutely nothing about anyone or anything.  Yes, that would be worse: not being thoughtful and just accepting things as they are without question.  Sure, there are positive aspects to that but how boring and underwhelming the world would be to me.  

So yeah, I think I'm going to continue writing just not here.  Don't worry people, it's just things I'd like to keep quiet: it's nothing to worry about.