Today was quite the day. I didn't get much sleep last night and the lack of sleep magnified everything. I was supposed to go hang out with Katie today at 2:00 and I had to cancel and I was so upset. Overall, I just feel so tired of dealing with crap; my PTSD and these allergies. I've just had it and I want to enjoy this process. Most of all I don't want to be a perpetually sneezing bride during my wedding and feeling "out of it" due to this ridiculousness. Seriously, I totally lost my shit this afternoon and I got angry at Dave and then angry at some random kid online. Then I made an angry post on Facebook and then finally I made one here. By the time Katie called, I was just so upset that I broke down in tears. Of course, she was super understanding and super supportive.
After I took my nap I physically felt better. Unfortunately I had a rough dream that has me slightly nervous. In my dream, I fell for some other guy. The dream consisted of dates with this person, the feelings of giddiness and nervousness, and ended with the two of us becoming a couple. There was a magic in that dream and I found it unsettling. By getting married, I'm deciding that I've found that person. When I first started dating Dave, I didn't know if he was going to be the person I would end up marrying but I do remember sitting in my car and feeling that the feeling that one gets when they fall in love. I remember thinking, "Remember this Denise. This could be the last time you fall in love." At the time, that idea excited me.
Now, however, I kind of feel a bit regretful. Yesterday, I drove past the large pond in Wakefield before going into work. While driving by I noticed these two women with baby carriages power walking off their baby fat. Some women may look at that scene and think, "oh I can't wait for that." Me, I looked at that and thought, "that's the next step" and immediately I felt repulsed thinking, "how did I get here already?" Please don't get me wrong, I am 100% in love with Dave and there are days that I do feel that magic. I think of our upcoming wedding I get excited and hopeful and everything. I'm so incredibly happy.
That dream just through me. Why am I dreaming about falling in love with someone else? Why did I wake up and feel the slightest tinge of regret that I won't ever feel that way again? Shouldn't I just feel ready to completely discard those feelings? I'm getting married in just under two months and I'm both excited and scared.
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