Traveling

Now seems like the perfect time to write to this post as I’m going stir crazy on this final and longest flight to Maui.  The first flight was over in no time and the second flight seemed reasonable enough even though it was over four hours long.  I was able to get some decent sleep while on that plane which was never and not as tight of a squeeze.  Having Dave sitting next to me also helps as I take up a bit of his seat in addition to my own.  This flight however feels never ending even though it is just over five hours.  I shouldn’t complain, I’m on my way to Maui for goodness sake.  Still I can’t help but feel a bit restless. Looking out the window, there’s no little island in sight.

While I have the time and feel more awake than last night, I figure I can use it to describe my feelings now that the wedding is over.  First, I still don’t consider myself as a Mrs yet.  Actually for all the pomp and circumstance of yesterday nothing feels like it’s different.  Dave and I are still the same people; our relationship is still the same in all the things that matter.  Really we are just as committed and in love as before the wedding.  Now though we have rings and state/country/legal recognition of that commitment.  My feelings for Dave aren’t dramatically different than I did on Friday.

Of course, logically I expected this.  I always knew that there’s no magic dust sprinkled dust that changes who you are.  Still there must be some sort of message conveyed to woman that as soon as you marry, you are suddenly complete and have succeeded in life.  Somehow, despite my logic, I too, quietly had the belief that I would be the person I’ve been striving to be once I said “I do.”  I can why understand why many women experience what some people call, “post wedding depression.”  Don’t get me wrong, I am not experiencing this horrible side effect at all.  I’m incredibly happy (though I’ll be happier to get my feet back on solid ground).  Really, I’m more surprised by the fact that I was surprised by this emotional realization.  The fact that logic cannot shield my schoolgirl emotions always seems to take me by surprise.

The captain just announced that we are 195 miles away from Maui and that we should be landing in about a half hour.  How crazy that it only takes a half hour to go 195 miles when you’re in the plane.  The knowledge that we’ve already traveled almost 11 hours by plane only shows just how far away from home we are.

Married!

Dave and I are officially married.  Really I want to write about it because it was all so amazing but I can't even form the words as I'm so incredibly tired.   Of course, I will write a reflective post describing it in the most detail I can but there's just no way I can do it at this moment.

Instead, I think the best thing I can do right at this moment is describe exactly what's happening right now.  At the moment, Dave is contacting a taxi to pick us up to take us to the airport while I am resting here on the couch in our hotel suite. My hair is dripping wet from my recent shower.  Although my hair came out perfectly for the wedding, it was really stiff and sticky from all the hairspray and what not.  Now though I feel clean and fresh and just so incredibly happy, grateful, and full of love.

We have such incredible friends and family.  We always knew that but it wasn't ever felt in such a powerful way as we felt today.  Johnny actually just sent us a text saying that Aladdin just started on t.v. and that he thought it was a great song for our first dance.  Yes, we did dance to A Whole New World for our first dance and a resounding "aww" was heard from our guests.

It was truly, truly an amazing day and I'm so grateful for every moment.  More than anything though, I am super exhausted.

The wedding is here

I've decided to be smart about my blogging today and I'm writing this now rather than tonight when I'm with my girls in our hotel room.  My wedding day is tomorrow.  It's officially here.  In about an hour Dave and I will need to be on our way to pick up Katie and Alli to head over to the hotel where we will be going over the ceremony with everyone and enjoy having all of our closest friends and family together in one place.  It's sort of surreal now that it's actually here. 

I can feel myself begin to let it go.  Our time for shopping, planning, and packing is almost up.  After I write this post, I'm going to run to the store to pick up the last couple of things that we need.  Once that is done, I just need to let things be.  We just need to let things be.  We've done everything we could up to this point. Most of the important things are accomplished. Hopefully nothing major was overlooked in either the planning or the packing.  If it was, we will have to make do or if it's truly, truly important, make a desperate plea to a member of our bridal party to help us out.

My hope though is that it won't be necessary.  Strange, there's a large part of me that just feels calm.  Maybe that will change once I officially wake up and things become more in focus.   Right now, it's looking like we're going to have rain the day of and I'm very grateful that we prepared ahead of time with choosing the right venue.  The ceremony will be just as pretty indoors; possibly warmer too.  Really, I'm just hoping we'll have a few moments of clear skies or light rain so that we can go outside and take some beautiful photos there.

Whatever happens though, I'm ready to just sit back and enjoy it.  Something will go wrong.  There is no question about that but I can choose whether or not to make it a big deal.  I'm hoping that when the time comes, I'll handle it the way I'm hoping I will.  Alright, I have things to finish up.  The next time I post, I will be officially married unless of course I get super anxious tonight and need to write it out. 

Stowe

Dave has finally fallen asleep.  We're here in Stowe, VT and it's an absolutely gorgeous day.  It's warm and sunny and quiet.  There's soft music coming from across the parking lot and it's a nice respite from all the hustle and bustle of the last few days, as well as the next few days to come!

We made the trek up today to pick up the apple cider, the cider donuts, and the apple pies that we plan to have served at our wedding.  We originally wanted to have our wedding here in Stowe with all of the beautiful mountain peaks all adorned with foliage.  This whole place is a wonderful getaway.  The shops, the lodges, the town - all contribute to providing the visitor with a serene and semi-secluded escape.  Secluded to a city dweller at least.

At some point in the future, Dave and I really need to stay and visit here for a couple of days.  Our trips here have been little more than day trips.  I'd like to come here, relax in one of these beautiful resorts, and slow down the pace.  The pace here is certainly slow.  It would be nice to fully embrace it.  To walk through the state parks, bike the winding trails, maybe take a brief horseback riding lesson.

Dave thinks I'm writing a list of things to bring to Maui and I did try.  I was then overcome by the desire to put this moment down on paper.  Honestly at this precise moment, my time is better spent writing a post.  It is still productivity of some kind and it means I can check something off my list of a million things to do tonight.  A few more moments and we'll need to begin heading back. Gosh I love it here.

I need to stop talking and write

My goodness, the rehearsal dinner is over.  Not that I can really say that it was much of a rehearsal but ah well.  At first I was irritated because what we did today could have been easily done on a Friday or Saturday morning/afternoon so really I'm still not quite sure what their issue was but whatever.  Anyway, things seem pretty straightforward so hopefully everything will go relatively smoothly.  It's times like this when I'm really glad to have Katie to help me articulate what it is that I'm looking for if my event coordinator can't seem to understand.  While we were discussing the rehearsal, she was really thrown off that I wanted to do something different than what she normally does.  I didn't think it was that odd and I'm glad Katie was there to help me say what it was that I wanted.

The dinner went really well which was awesome.  It was a lot of fun actually.  Not that I expected it not to be but leading up to today, I was feeling anxious but it went super smoothly.  Our bridal party is amazing.  It makes me really look forward to Saturday.  Instead of expounding on it here, I actually just turned to Dave and discussed it with him for the past hour.  So now it's really late and I should stop writing.  I'm sorry.  There will be more written at a later time.  Now we really need to go to bed.

Planning Rehearsal Dinners

Both Dave and I are utterly exhausted.  We got a lot done today but it's 12:30 on Wednesday night (technically Thursday) and there is still so much more to do.   Tomorrow is the rehearsal dinner.  I hate that it had to be on a Thursday and 5:30 was the absolute latest to run the rehearsal.  It is completely inconvenient for everyone.  Personally, I don't feel comfortable telling my bridal party to take the day off work on a Thursday so they can make it to our rehearsal.  Even if we could do it on a Friday, then at least if people wanted they could take a long weekend. Sadly, that wasn't possible for our venue as they have weddings Friday nights, Saturday afternoons, Saturday nights, and Sundays.

Needless to say, we are basically having two as a result.  One "traditional" rehearsal at the venue with the onsite wedding planner, the officiant, and the nice dinner afterward.  Another on Saturday afternoon with just the bridal party not at the venue.  Basically something simpler that will just show everyone what they are doing.   This separate party is going to need to be fed as they will be understandably hungry so we will be going with the cheaper dinner of pizza.  I feel badly that all I can offer them is cheap pizza when they are taking not one but two whole days out for us.  That's not even including all the numerous hours each of them have put in helping us out in all the other ways.

More so, it killed Dave and me to have to tell our friends that they could not bring their loved one to the rehearsal dinner tomorrow.  It's one of those moments where I'm wondering if we should have just paid for it all but it's tough when you have eight members of your bridal party.  If each of them brought their significant other, that's one huge party and it would have been lovely to have them all but it would have killed us financially.  Of course, not every one of our bridal party members can come so maybe we could have figured out something but it's tomorrow and we've already told people no so I just need to let it go.  I just feel like maybe I shouldn't have been so selfish and cut back on something else in order to accommodate everyone.  Let it go Denise.  What's done is done and if this is your biggest regret, you will figure out a way to make it up to everyone.

So yes, it's officially two more days until Saturday when everything needs to be finished.  We can do this and what we can't will be okay.  Everything will be okay.

Aah wedding! haha

Okay, well I didn't get as much done today as I would have liked but what can you do.  I got some of the things done that I needed so I guess I should give myself some credit.  Mainly I responded to Katie and Alli as they had some questions.  Unfortunately, my electronic equipment failed me this morning so I didn't get back to them until much later.  I actually wrote Alli back while I was at work which I've never done, ever.  I really hope I don't get fired for it.  I could text her back but I didn't want to leave her hanging either.  Realizing that they couldn't possibly be the only ones with questions, Dave and I sat down and co-wrote a weekend schedule e-mail to everyone in the bridal party.   It took way longer to write than I anticipated possibly because it required us to actually stop think about details of everything as opposed to thinking in general terms.

Gosh, was that really all I did today?  Crap.  Ah well, it wasn't that long ago that I felt like I was missing having a deadline over my head to motivate me to do things.  There is a deadline alright and motivated I am.  Seriously, it's like I'm back in college though with more sleep.  I'm going to bed super late but I'm waking up super late too.  The same can't be said for Dave though.  I just had to turn to him and ask him if now is the best time to clip his fingernails.  Why do we do that? We know it's super late.  We know we're tired.  We know we have to wake up in the morning and yet we will stay up even later to do the most random things.  Things that could totally wait until the next morning.  Strange.  Luckily today was my last day of work.  Tomorrow is Dave's last day but I doubt either of us will actually relax until we're lying on the beach in Maui.

Man, Maui sounds really nice right now.  Just need to get on packing for that too!

Dave's gift is done and ordered... finally!

Holy Crap!  I finally finished Dave's wedding present.  The order has been placed and it will hopefully arrive on Wednesday; just in time to wrap it and give it to him on our wedding day.  I figure waiting until after we're married and settled into our hotel room would be a good time.  We accomplished some things today but really I'm so happy that his piece is done.  I'm really happy by how it turned out as it was a DIY project, well sort of anyway.   Though I got really, really irritated by the website that I used to help create it as it constantly crashed and I had to do things over a zillion times the final product is something I think I'll be proud to present.

Of course, now that this piece is over I can now fully throw myself into all the rest that needs to get done and by golly there's still quite a bit.  Still, I'm going to redouble my efforts and see if I can be slightly more productive tomorrow than today.  You know, achieve more than just one piece of the puzzle.  Also tomorrow is my last day of work!  It's going to be endless.  Even tonight I was really antsy.  It's hard when it's so close to vacation but it's even harder when you can't stop thinking about everything that needs to be accomplished before you actually leave for that vacation.  At 9:45, I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me because I would have sworn it was 10:45.  Alas, I had to sit it out for the hour and fifteen minutes.   Unable to do my typical stuff, I decided to organize for when I return.  I sorted through my e-mails and cleaned out my desk drawers.  I'm pretty much all set to go.

I just need to make it through six more hours.  It's super late and it's time for me to go to bed now.  Good night!

**I lied.  It will not be here in time for the wedding but it should will definitely be in by the time we come home from Maui.  Hey, when I realized that I went back and cancelled the 24 hour shipping which would have gotten it here on Monday and saved money so that's a plus, right?  Right!

The tech week of wedding planning

I'm taking a break from working on Dave's wedding gift.  Why did I wait so freaking long to do this?  Seriously, it was something I could have done at the beginning of the wedding planning process and yet here I am racing to finish it tonight so I can submit it, order it, and hopefully receive it before the wedding.  I'm so stupid.  I thought I had gotten so much better about procrastinating but yeah maybe not.

Yikes!  Dave and I were both very much OMG! tonight.  We still have so much more to do and I feel like the list is never ending.  For the first time in this whole process Dave and I looked at each other and said that we are excite for the wedding but we're also excited for it to be over.  I think we're partly tired of thinking about it.  I've gotten to that point where if I spend a few moments thinking about something other than the wedding, I feel guilty because I feel like I need to devote every moment in my brain to getting things done.

I know that this is the final leg. The part that can be the most stressful.  I also know that come the day, it will all be okay no matter what.  We'll be together, we'll be married, and we'll be surrounded by the people who love us most and who we love likewise.  On that day, all these little things won't matter.  You know what this feels like?  It feels like the Tech Week of a major show when the entire show feels like it's never going to go up and everyone stays for all hours to try and perfect both the big and little details.  It is the most beloved and hated weeks of all the rehearsal weeks.  People scream at each other, many times there are tears, and everyone is stressed to the max.  But then the show goes up and it seems like all those things resolve themselves.  No one notices or cares about the stupid mistakes that were made.  The things that were intended and didn't come to fruition weren't missed and the show is amazing.  Even the cast who made me composed of people who hate each other feel like best friends once the curtain goes up.

It's the culmination of the months and weeks of planning and stressing that make this so much more stressful.  People keep asking me if I wished I had eloped and even in this most stressed moment I have to say, not at all.  This whole process has been amazing and I wouldn't trade it at all.  Okay back to work!

The projects I didn't want to do

Quick post tonight after the mammoth post of last night.  Katie, her husband Jared, and Jamie came over to help Dave and me with wedding stuff.  And by help, I mean do for me.  When Katie contacted me earlier this week to ask if she could help I couldn't think of anything immediately but then I realized that I had two projects that I wanted to get done but in reality knew I was never going to actually do it.  With everything else, these two things weren't necessities but were really nice sentimental pieces that I wanted to incorporate.  Deep down, I kept telling myself that I would get around to it and deep down I knew it was never actually going to happen.

But Katie and Jamie saved the day!  I'm so incredibly grateful that they came.  It's weird to ask for help.  I felt especially bad because while they were working, I couldn't think of anything crafty that I myself could work on so I just sort of sat there setting up the cards that I want people to write for us to read five years from now.  It was really lame of me when they were working so hard.  It all looks fabulous; they did such an incredible job and it really helps me feel even more excited about the wedding.  It's officially a week away! I'm beginning to wonder when I'm going to begin to feel it because I don't yet.

After crafty goodness we meant to go to Unos for dinner except that we were also going to go see the  3D rendition of The Lion King in theaters at 9:20 and we had less than an hour.  So after much discussion we went to Stop and Shop and picked up some snacks with plans to go to Unos after the movie.  It was really cool seeing an old Disney movie up in theaters again.  The last time I saw the Lion King in the theaters, I think I was 10 or 11 years old.  I forgot how much I enjoyed the movie.  I know I'm a Disney buff and all but I do think they create some great movies.  Sadly, after the movie when leaving I suddenly remembered that Unos had stupid hours the last time Dave and I went.  It stayed open but the kitchen closed so I had Dave double check and sure enough they closed at 11:30 and it was 11:15.  Stupid puritanical state.  Sometimes I wish we were more like New York when it came to how late things stay open.

Overall, it was a good and productive day.  A good day for me at least and a productive day for the girls.  I really do feel super lazy for not knowing how to help them.  Everything looks so pretty and I can wait to see them actually at the wedding.

Music Inspires-- it inspired a novel of a post

Right now I'm sitting on my couch watching the I Heart Radio Music Festival live from Las Vegas.  I've been looking forward to this for quite some time now since I first heard about it way back about six months ago.  Had it not been for Dave and I getting married next weekend, I would've done just about anything to go to this concert.   I've been wanting to go to Vegas for some time now and this most definitely would have been a perfect excuse.  I'm so glad that they are streaming it live though because I still get to see it which makes me super happy.

 For those of you who don't know, I Heart Radio is a new online kind of radio thing and to help promote themselves they got some of the biggest musicians of today together on one stage including one of my absolute favs, Coldplay.   In addition to Coldplay, there's also Bruno Mars, Black Eyed Peas, Kelly Clarkson, Jay Z, Lady Gaga, Jane's Addiction, Kenny Chesney, Steven Tyler, Rascal Flatts, David Guetta, Sting, and many others.  For fans of current pop music, this seems like one heck of a Las Vegas trip.  I love concerts that put many artists on one stage.  Sure, you have the local ones that the radio stations throw but I do think part of the allure here was Vegas for me.  Really, my wedding or the wedding of a close friend is the only thing that prevented me from doing whatever I could to get there this weekend.  

Of course, Coldplay isn't probably going to go on until the end of the night which makes me super sad as they are the ones I really want to see.  A couple of years ago Dave and I went to go see them in concert when they came to Boston and they were amazing.  I love their music and we had such a great time so I'm excited to see them here.  I also have to admit that I'm interested in seeing the Black Eyed Peas play as well.  So much of today's pop is such a guilty pleasure for me.  I can't help myself.  It's just all absolutely absurd and it's impossible to take it seriously at all.  Not to mention that it also provides me with fun music to get my groove on.

Is it great music?  Not at all but I'm slowly beginning to realize that music is one of those extremely subjective things that people become super elitist about.  At this point, it kind of just irritates me when people get all high and mighty about whatever style they happen to consider "good music."   There's this implication that if you listen to what's popular today, you've sold out or have zero taste.  Since when?  There will always be those people who will say, "God, what is it with this music today?  It sucks! It was so much better when it was..."  This has been going on for generations and it will continue for generations.  People my age tend to look at the music of the 80s and 90s as so much better than what's out today but let's be honest, during the 80s and 90s when those songs were hits people were ranting and spouting the same "this music is crap" nonsense preferring the tastes of the 60s and 70s.

And before that people thought the music of the 60s and 70s was terrible.  Sadly today, few people even know the songs that were hits when my grandparents were my age.  Their music is just as legitimate.  Years from now, the music that people my age think are great may be completely unknown the way my grandfather's favorites are now obsolete.  The just interviewed the lead singer/songwriter for Coldplay who just basically that he's not into most of the lyrics he writes which is why he keeps writing new stuff which I think is totally awesome.   What's also great about music today is that we have access to so --

Okay, I know I didn't finish the sentence above but it was at that moment that Coldplay came on and I jumped off the couch have danced and cried to their set over the past twenty minutes.  To me, that's what makes music good.  If it causes you to stop whatever it is that your doing for even just a few moments to dance like you did when you were five years old, that's what makes music special.  It doesn't matter who causes it; it could be any genre, popular, unknown, something that everyone of your friends hate, if you love it, then that's all that matters.   I love Coldplay and I don't care if that causes some people to think I have incredible or horrible taste!  I love them!  They were just able to do that for me and I didn't even need to be at the concert to feel like I was dancing right next to them.

For so long, I've spent so much time hiding behind other people's interests.  I blend in and I take enjoyment from other people enjoying whatever it is.  I'm so passive about it.  I'm so insecure.  That's really what it comes down to: insecurity.  When I was living with Katie and Alli I preferred for them to choose our musical soundtrack.  There's very little that can't get into.  They would ask if I wanted to play some of my music but I never did.  Even now I dislike playing my music aloud.  I'm afraid of being judged.  I want everyone to think that I'm just like them.  I want them to think that they "get me."   If I put my interests out there for others to see be it in music, books, clothing, art, I'm afraid that they will see a few of the pieces of myself that I've carefully hidden.

Worse, they may think, "My God, I've been friends with her for so long.  I never knew... She's so much more different from me than I ever realized.  How can she like that? How does she not like this?  How did I go this long and not know that about her?  Does our friendship mean anything anymore?"  I hide behind a mask of being so forthcoming with the intimate details of my life and by blending in with the those around me about things that aren't so intimate.  Here's the thing:  I was so scared that someone else might see and judge me that I was afraid to express myself with full freedom.  However, by spending all these years hiding behind others, by insisting that my interests must correspond with everyone else's I've somehow lost who I am and what I'm actually interested in.  I don't know if I'm conveying what I mean but the truth is I don't know what I like anymore.

It wasn't other people I was hiding from; I was hiding from myself.  What else have I hidden from myself?  I don't want to hide anymore- at least not from me anyway. I'm sorry if this sounds like one of those "No one knows who I truly am" kind of posts.  That's not what I'm saying at all actually.   I hate it when people say that.  It's annoying.  If no one knows, it's because of you so stop whining about it.  I am exactly who everyone knows me to be.  I don't "act" around anyone.  I've never been a very good actress on stage or in real life.  What you see is what you get with me. It's just that I've allowed what others like to define my own tastes.  I've never sought out what I like on my own.  It's not to say that I don't like what others like, I totally do but when someone asks what my interests are or what I like and look for specifics, I fall completely short.

I love the band Coldplay and I don't care if anyone hates them.  I won't let their opinions affect mine.  I'm allowed to like who I want to like. Why did that take me until I was almost 27 to realize that?  Before Coldplay came on, I was about to say that the greatest thing about music today is its accessibility.  We aren't dependent on the radio to introduce us to artists.  There are so many artists out there that for whatever reasons don't get through the machine that chooses what to play on the popular stations.  However, we have so many ways to access music.  The internet allows us to hear small time local bands that we may never have known about otherwise.  I'm going to start finding music I enjoy, create my own playlists.  It's time for me to find movies I like, books, artists,and things of that nature.  What's "good" is completely subjective and I need to stop worrying about being judged for my interests and I need to be more compassionate about what others enjoy even if I think it's the worst.  

Okay, I've seriously written for over an hour at this point and this post really needs to end.  My therapist says that we will repeat the things we need to hear so something tells me that I'll be writing more about this topic in the future.  

T-minus 10 and counting

I seem to be on the mend, thank goodness.  I did come home from picking out flowers and needed a nap but I'm hoping to get plenty of sleep tonight so that I can be well rested for work tomorrow.  My wedding is just 9 days away and I can't get over it.  Dave and I sat together, drank the wine we bought at Kevin and Amanda's wedding, and read through our ceremony together.  I'm really happy with it.  There are bit more references to God than I was expecting which I don't necessarily mind but I get nervous about with Dave.   He tells me not to worry but I do.  I think it's becoming real for me and I'm finally feeling the nerves and the pre-wedding jitters that I really haven't felt during the rest of this process.

 I think we got it to where we want it and we did decide to keep the handfasting ceremony; we had thought of removing it to shorten the length of the ceremony but we like too much.  In the end, the ceremony may be a little longer than what is now considered the traditional half hour but honestly, it is the most important part of the day for me.   If it goes a little longer and it means that there's a little less time to party so be it.  My biggest concern for the ceremony is the temperature.  Ideally, I would love for it to be outdoors but I get so cold so easily and I basically have a sleeveless dress.  You would think all my years as a figure skater would have me conditioned but I'm such a wimp.  You never know until the day but I can't help be slightly concerned.  There's that and the sheer difficulty I have standing still for long periods of time.  I need to get into my shoes and practice that crap.

So yeah, we still need to complete our photographer's worksheet so that she knows what she's doing and I think that will be the last really major thing to get done.  After that, I'm pretty sure it's all little stuff that if we get to, we get to and if we don't, then oh well.  Then there's the honeymoon.  Goodness me, I forgot about the honeymoon!  Take it one by one.  We've got flights, we have hotels,  and we have a car to get around.  All that's really needed now is clothing and really what more do we need?

Feeling Better

When I woke up this morning, I felt like an entirely new person.  Okay, well not entirely.  I was still the same person and I still had a running nose and yucky post nasal drip but I felt far better than I have since Sunday.  For the first time I didn't wake up completely exhausted and I didn't feel like I needed to go back to bed after just a few hours of being awake.  Yeah, yeah, I know: "how convenient that I miraculously got better when I didn't have to go to work and I was able to do the things I had planned for the wedding today."   Here's the thing.  It was totally legit.   On the one hand I was glad to be feeling better but I actually felt a bit guilty.

I know I have absolutely no control over when I get sick or when I get better and I shouldn't feel guilty about it.  I don't know why I feel guilty, really.  It's because in the end, I really am way too concerned about what other people think of me and I don't like that this may look bad on my part because I never meant it to end up that way.  Though I was reluctant to cancel the final fitting tonight because I knew that Dave's mom had taken the time off work to be able to come see it and it would be really difficult to reschedule, I was ready to do it if I had to.  I was also ready to just get through it too.  Just drive down, pick up something quick to eat, and go through the fitting and possibly have Dave come down to bring her back home so I could come home to go back to bed.  I didn't want that to have to happen but I knew that it might because this cold certainly had it's way with me.

So yeah, I know how it may look but it was definitely anything that I intended.  That said, I had a really nice conversation with Dave's mom which made me really happy because we didn't exactly get off to a great start when Dave and I initially told her about both of changing our last names.  We did get the chance to discuss that too and I know how it made her feel but it definitely made me feel better about it.  I also tried to stress to her how important it is to me that she stay involved in mine and Dave's life and how much I want her to be there for us and if we ever decide to have grandchildren.  It was the first time since I first met Dave that she and I were able to talk alone and I just tried to be as open and honest with her as I could.  I don't know how much she trusts what I have to say as she doesn't know me as well I would like just before I marry her son but I intend to spend the many years ahead of us, showing her that my words are not empty.

Sickness and work anxiety

Today, I had a mild improvement.  I made it into work and lasted a whole hour before needing to leave from feeling that unwell.  My throat was sore which left me with almost no voice, my nose still ridiculously congested despite having allergy medicine, Rhinocort, Aleve Cold and Sinus, and DayQuil in me.  More than that though, I just felt so tired.  I slept until 3:30 pm today, downed tons of water, and took more vitamins, had some toast, and dragged myself into work but I just couldn't focus.  I kept trying to call out but it was hard for people to understand me without my voice and my inability to focus made me almost certain that I was going to make a costly mistake.

In the end, I went to my team lead and told her that I needed to go home.  Really, I felt like I would cost them more money than help them make money tonight.  When I go into work, I throw myself into it and I could see myself cutting corners in attempt to make it easier for me.  Still, I can't help but feel super guilty.  I really don't want them to think that I'm not coming in because my wedding is right around the corner and I'm doing stuff for that instead of meeting my obligations.  One of my big fears is that I'm going to come back from Hawaii and they're going to tell me that I'm no longer needed at the company because I've called in too many times, or I made too many mistakes, or I don't know.  Maybe I've done or haven't done something I don't even realize.  I also feel super bad because they are in need of a lot of help and I haven't been able to do anything for them recently and I'm afraid they're going to think I'm not being a good "team player."

So yeah, when we get back we won't be any further in debt by any means but I'm going to feel like I need to make money and fast.  In fact, I intend to pick up as many hours as I can when I get back to help replenish our Emergency Fund and create even greater savings to help pay back our debts.  So yeah, I don't know I'm feeling super worried about it right now.  Why did I have to get sick?  Such inopportune timing!  Yes, it will be better to deal with now than later but... I wish it didn't happen at all.  There's also that whole part of me that's never been fired before.  There was that one time that I thought I had been fired way back at my first job at CVS but I actually wasn't.   I was devastated when that happened and super embarrassed.  More than anything, both of my parents are such hard workers and they've instilled in me a great work ethic so I can't imagine anything more disappointing to them and to myself than being fired after all this time.

Dave thinks I'm freaking out over nothing but I can't help it.  I did come home and I went right back to bed and slept for 3 more hours.  I must say I am feeling a bit better.   Not 100% but a little bit.  Maybe I'll try and go in on Thursday night to make up for one of these days.   Maybe I'll work extra hours on Friday or maybe even see if they need me to go in on Saturday morning.  I want them to to know that I'm not just slacking off because my wedding is around the corner.  As of right now, all I can do is focus on getting better and keep planning my wedding and hope that I will be able to discuss this with them as soon as I'm well enough.

In sickness and in health

Called in sick to work again today.  I really hated having to do it but I could hardly talk without coughing.  My cold has now decided to pick up residence in my chest as well as my nose.  My voice doesn't sound like my own and I'm tired despite sleeping all day and most of the night.  Really, I'm exhausted which is super annoying because I can't do anything during the day because I just don't have the energy.  Nevertheless, I was able to get some work done on Dave's gift.

Blegh.  I don't want to write.  I just want to go back to bed and lay back down.  Sometimes laying down makes things worse and I've tried that and sitting but neither was really worse than the other.  Sitting just makes me feel more tired.  I really dislike not feeling well.  Dave seems back to normal so I'm hoping that I'll be myself in a week or so.  Regardless, so long as I don't get worse, I can still get married feeling like this.  Flying to Hawaii sounds like a nightmare in this state but maybe I'll be able to just stay in a NyQuil slumber for most of it.   Honestly, recovering on the beaches of Hawaii with my brand new husband doesn't sound like the worst thing that could happen.  

Really, in the end, so long as I get to marry Dave and I get to keep him in my life for years to come, I can deal with this.   Even if I'm congested, full of mucus, and generally feeling under the weather, it's not so bad so long as he's by my side.  I love him so much and even my sickness can't lessen my excitement about our upcoming marriage.  

Good intentions

I woke up not that long ago.  Dave's friend was supposed to come over to watch the Patriots game.  However, upon hearing my not feeling so well they decided to go to Johnny's house for the game so that I could come home and get some rest.  Now that I've rested and had some soup, I only marginally  feel better which is sort of irritating.  Like I said yesterday, I'm glad it's happening now but I'd prefer to have it not happen at all.   I feel like I've been sick a lot this year and I really hope that this is a tough yea and not a weird omen for years to come.  Despite having four extra hours of sleep, I'm still tired and run down and I'm not in the mood to do anything.  Not the best when in just weeks, I'll be walking down the aisle.  

I need to get things done.  There was a  whole bunch of DIY that I wanted to do for the bridesmaids gifts but I feel like I'm never going to get to it and that makes me super sad.  This tends to happen to me.  The quote, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" is an applicable phrase for me.  I always intend bring my decent ideas to fruition but I never seem to do.  Instead all I can think is "wow, that would've been a great gift or deed if I actually did it."  There's also the gift I want to give to Dave that I still need to order.  He noticed it on my own personal "to-do" list and brought it to my attention all concerned that he doesn't have anything for me.  I had to explain to him that he already got me my wedding gift when he gave me my engagement ring a year and a half ago. 

It's been almost a year and a half since we got engaged and the wedding is just around the corner.  I'm really excited about it.  There are certain things that probably won't get done at this point but many of the big things that I wanted will.  Like Katie says, no one will notice what you had planned but didn't actualize so there's really no need to stress about.  Ah, those good intentions... it's so easy to dream them up but so much harder to make them happen.  Maybe I should go work on some of them... 

Sickness

Good news and bad news at the same time which is always one of those weird situations.  Good news is that I think I caught whatever it was that Dave had.  Bad news, I think I caught whatever it was that Dave had.  My throat is a bit sore and my nose is super congestion despite taking the Rhinocort that normally helps.  At the moment Dave is pouring me a dose of NyQuil to hopefully make me feel better and help me sleep because I do have to go to work tomorrow.  Yeah, yeah, after giving Dave such a hard time about it, I'm doing the same thing.  I'm a one of those hypocrites that I tend to hate.

The good news is that I'm sick now which will hopefully mean that I'll be better for the wedding and honeymoon.  I think I might kill something if Dave and I end up passing this back and forth to each other.  Hopefully that won't happen though.  I just need to get some rest and try to take it easy.  So I should be up to snuff soon.  Again, I kind of need to be as we're sort of in the final stretch for the planning and stuff.  I got most of the things that I need to get done, done but I need to figure out what still needs completion.  Just maybe not now because I'm sleepy and stuff.

Enough said for tonight.  It's sleepy time for this soon to be bride.

Remind me to never not take my meds

I couldn't get home from work fast enough tonight.  In fact, I have a small confession to make.  For the past three days I haven't taken my medication.  It wasn't purposeful, by any means.  I normally take it at night and the past couple of nights I was all, "Crap I don't have anymore.  I need to remember to pick some up tomorrow."  Then tomorrow would come and I'd be running all over the place and I'd forget to pick it up only to remember when I go to take it again and it's too late to go out.  Dave picked it up for me tonight, thank goodness.

The downside to any of these medications is that you're not supposed to just stopped taking them.  You're supposed to slowly increase your dosage when you begin taking it and then slowly decrease the dosage to prevent the unwanted side effects.  Unwanted side effects like crazy dreams that prevent you from sleeping or napping properly.  Seriously, every time I wasn't doing something or going somewhere I was in bed trying to take a nap or to sleep but my crazy not so pleasant dreams prevented me from ever truly feeling rested.

However, the most profound side effect happened tonight and is still sort of happening (I've taken the meds now but I need to let them take effect).  I feel anxious.  Anxious and antsy.  Not panicky, though I feel like if I am presented with the wrong question or the wrong thought, I could easily overreact   What's crazy is that this is exactly how I used to feel before my collapse.  All throughout college and the first few years of Dave and me dating, I was in this high strung, anxious state.  It is no wonder that the smallest things would throw me into a tizzy.  Not realizing that it was anxiety at the time I would normally get angry or feel the need to start talking a mile a minute.  I'm sure Alli remembers the days when I would stop by her room and just pace and talk at her to help relieve some of these feelings.  Only recently did I ever make the correlation.

So yeah, I'm glad I remembered the medication tonight because I'd be freaking out without it.  Dave and I are supposed to go to the Big E tomorrow but something tells me that it won't be the day we had originally planned.  I had invited both Katie and Jamie to come along with us but then of course never reached out to them this week despite Katie's very reassuring voicemail a couple of days ago.  Or was that just yesterday.  These past few days have felt like a blur.   My thinking now is that if we do end up going we will just be going for a Maine baked potato and a creme puff. It's kind of a waste of money but I don't want us to run ourselves ragged.

Alright, writing this is not helping me to relax at all.   I think I need to lie down and see if that helps.

I better not get sick or so help me...

I am awake and I don't want to be.  I woke up to one of Dave's alarms that he must of forgot about and have spent the whole morning listening to him sniffle and sound downright miserable.  I asked if he wanted to take the day off to recover and he got all upset which just makes me more worried and anxious.  I don't want to be sick for my wedding or honeymoon!  I don't want him sick for it either.  Thing is, I always seem to get whatever it is he has and he is notorious for getting sick and better just in time for something I'm really looking forward to which means that I'm always sick for it.  Like Niagara Falls a couple of years ago.  He came down with a terrible flu about two weeks before and had recovered by a week after.  Sadly, though, I came down with it at two days before our trip causing it to have to be postponed by a day and even then I was there feeling awful for a good half of it and it just lessens it.

I don't want that to happen on such an important day.  He just stormed out of here because he's mad that I'm irritated and worried and annoyed that he won't take care of himself and get some extra sleep.  Yes, I love the fact that he has a strong work ethic and that his job is very important to him but it's times like this when I just want to scream at him.  When he had mono, he did this same thing. He forced himself to go to work, doesn't perform the way he can because he is sick, they get rightfully irritated because they don't know that he's sick, he's gets more stressed which causes him to try and work harder and for longer, making whatever it is that he has either a.) last longer or b) get worse.  Not once does it actually help him get better.  He swears by taking Airborne and things of that nature when he's sick but doesn't seem to get that sometimes the quickest and easiest way to feel better is by actually giving himself the rest his body is lacking.

Normally, this doesn't make me so aggravated but I'm be honest.  I'm a selfish bitch and my irritation is coming more from not wanting to get sick myself.  When this happens as it often does, I just tend to let things be.  I offer my suggestions and he can take it or leave it.  He's a big boy.  Then when I do catch it a week or so later, I handle it the way I think best to handle not.  It's not normally a big deal. It's a big deal now because we are almost at 2 weeks to our wedding.  Our lives are crazy.  I feel like we're constantly doing things and constantly working or thinking or planning which is fine; I don't mind that but it means that we're not resting and that means that if we catch anything, there's only so much we can do.  I hate it.  We never should have stayed up so late doing those stupid favors.

I really haven't felt that nervous about the actual wedding this whole time and people keep saying that it will come.  Well, it's here and I'm nervous because I don't want to be sick.   We were thinking about going to the Big E this Saturday but I'm not sure if I want to anymore.  I feel like I need to spend any time not working or planning resting trying to conserve my energies.  Walking around all day in a place that always makes my allergies worse and having to wake up at 7am on Sunday no longer sounds so appealing.  Not with being sick for my wedding looming over my head.   I want to go and I haven't missed it since Alli first introduced me to it back in college but... there are more important things than traditions I'm finding.  You've got very little if you don't have your health and everything good is never as good as it could be if you aren't feeling well enough to take it all in.

So boring bed rest it is.  If he won't do it for himself then I can only do it for me.  I can't make choices for him.   I can't force him to do anything or try to control how he handles being sick but I can do whatever I can to prevent myself from being sick.  If that means going to the store and buying lots of orange juice and taking Airborne and going to the bathroom every ten minutes then I'll do what I have to.  I will not get sick.  I won't.  I won't.  I won't!

Productively and "puppy love"

This week has been very productive thus far.  On Monday we ordered the favors which feels good because that took more work than I anticipated.  Yesterday, we ordered the pies and cider donuts from Cold Hollow Cider Creek.  I wrote thank you cards and delivered them to my coworkers for their amazing bridal shower.   However, today we really got things accomplished.  We got our marriage license, I had what will hopefully be my last fitting for my dress, Dave's purchased his groomsmen gifts, and I finally called the florist to rent our canopy and scheduled an appointment with them for my bridal bouquet.  We also choose our rehearsal dinner restaurant and went there for dinner tonight and I was more than satisfied with their food.  They had a wonderful selection of food that tastes really good and we can order for a reasonable price.  So that excites me.

Since Dave seems to be coming down with something, we came home and watched Aladdin!  We've been meaning to watch it forever now but for the past week we've hardly seen each other nevermind had enough time to watch a movie together.  There was a part of me that had forgotten how much I love that movie.  It made me want to watch the Little Mermaid (my second favorite Disney movie) and Beauty and the Beast.  There's something about Disney movies that makes falling in love so simple and innocent.  It does have that youthful, non cynical view of love that young people have before experiencing that first crushing heartbreak that shatters that view.  To me, there is something about Disney's portrayal that is wholesome and magical and there's a large part of me that sort of wishes love really was just like that.  Not to say that adult love is any worse.  I'd argue on a different day that experienced love is so much better and deeper and more valuable than the fresh take on it but today, I couldn't help but reminisce.

While we were watching the movie I started coughing and water didn't really do anything for me so I took some NyQuil and now I'm exhausted. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and I'm really excited for it despite not having a clue what to talk about.  Something good I'm sure.