Body Image

Almost forgot to do this again tonight.  I was just thinking about heading to bed when I noticed my blogger tab on my laptop.  I'm becoming so boring with my writing angst.  Dabey just stumbled by me with the sleepiest eyes to lock the door in preparation for bedtime.   So I'm going to write this quickly so I'll be able to join him soon.  What to talk about?

As of this current moment, I am slightly nervous about money.  I don't know where it went and there is so much more left to spend my money on.  As of right now, I really need a new wardrobe.  I think I am finally coming to terms with my body.  Am I in the best shape of my life?  No.  Do I look the way I envisioned in my fantasies of "my" ideal?  No, I don't . Are many of my old clothes still too small.  Yes, but I think I need to be honest with myself.   I've dropped the excess that I was concerned about and I fit into some of my former clothes and I'm basically happy with the way I look.  Sure I will always be able to find parts of me that could use improvements; my tummy could be flatter and my thighs less flabby but I think I'm accepting myself.

 In order to lose more weight and get smaller than I am currently, I'd have to work out much for vigorously and pay far more attention to my diet than I'm willing to invest in.  At first my goal was to wait to buy new clothing until I got to that "ideal" size but that's not practical at this point.  Like I said earlier, I'm comfortable where I'm at now and it's something I can maintain.  If I were to reach my ideal, then I can only imagine the work I would need to do just to maintain it and I'm not a model or an athlete.  My job is not something that depends on the size of my body.

So now, I want to dress this body in clothing that will be most flattering.   Like I said, many of my old clothes still don't fit and those that do don't really fit well.  So yeah.  I'll be honest I'm a little sad to part with my old clothing because I've outgrown them physically as opposed to mentally.  That said, it's time for me to move on.  I still have clothing from my beginning years of college and even worse, even some left over from high school.  It's been almost eight years since my freshman year of college and I need to face the fact that my body is not going to continue at my college weight without much effort from me.  Today, I would be considered overweight... I can handle that so long as I don't go too far.

All I need now, is money to buy the clothing I desperately seek.

Whirlwind

Writing has been super difficult recently. For the past week or so I've felt closed off and reluctant to express myself in words. Therapy today was full of tears again but I have little desire to put it down on paper. Some times my feelings just flow onto the page with little effort on my part and other times (like now) it's like pulling teeth. I think part of it was not feeling so well. My intention today was to go into work and make up some extra hours so I wouldn't have to use a sick day. I'm not sure how many days I have and there is this whole upcoming wedding and honeymoon thing that I'm going to need days off for. However, after my therapy appointment the last thing I was up for was taking phone calls and putting on a happy face.

I determined that I needed to use my time for me today but at the same time I didn't particularly want to go back home. Our apartment is a mess and I knew I would be end up being overwhelmed by it all and I would just end up watching television and searching mindlessly on the internet avoiding everything that was recently discuss. Something that my therapist strongly cautioned me against today. So I did what I always tend to do and I drove to my special place in Gloucester, MA. I meant to stop there and think but I needed food so I ended up driving to the center of town and bought pizza at a place that was having it's grand opening. The slice was huge and delicious. Full and feeling much more calm, I went for a drive up to Rockport along the ocean. It was beautiful and calming and just what I needed.

Soon I was singing along to the radio and having a grand ol' time. It was gorgeous summer day and for the first time in a while, I felt like I was actually enjoying myself rather than just going through the motions. It was nice.   Just to be clear, my tears had little to do with Greg but for the first time, I started addressing what happened during college when I was trying to become a teacher.   For whatever reason, my mind feels like it's done enough with the whole relationship piece and has moved on to my failure in college. I knew eventually I would get here but I didn't quite expect it just yet. However, my most recent nightmares and thoughts before or just after sleep have shifted to the teaching/career situation. It's frustrating because it's like I'm beginning all over again.

Anyway, it's not something I wish to discuss right now. I just wanted those who read this to know that these thoughts have shifted. So yeah, good day overall.

Another sick day

Another sick day and another day of feeling guilty for not being able to go to work.  Why do I feel so guilty about taking a sick day?  I think there's always that part of me that thinks I should be able to just suck it up.  Today's just not a good day in general.  I feel down on myself and I'm glad I have a therapy appointment tomorrow.  There is so much I think I need to straighten out in this thick skull of mine.  I don't know.  I hate writing about this crap over and over and over again.  My poor friends always having to listen or read my nonsense.

I just finished reading Sense and Sensibility and I can't help but think of Elinor in these moments.  There was a time when I used to identify with her so much.  For so long she carried so much pain in her heart and yet maintained this masked elegance.  She was the protector of her sister Margaret and tried to shield her from her own emotional outbursts and the public opinion that may come her way.  Elinor didn't want to burden anyone with her heartaches and disappointments preferring to take the dagger to her heart in silence and secrecy.  I admired that about her and I identified with that.  My pain was mine and not anyone else's burden.  My relationship with Greg was something not to be discussed.  The things done in the privacy of his bedroom were my hidden secrets.  Now they are all out in the open.  I've allowed myself to be consumed by my pain and self disappointment.

Somewhere over the course of the past year and a half, I switched and became the Marianne archetype.  I've spent hours, upon hours crying in self-pity and wallowing in my pain.  Many more hours were spent in bed sleeping it all away or not eating or not taking care of myself.  Since when did all that become okay to me?  I get that maybe Elinor's way wasn't the healthiest way of dealing with her pain but neither was Marianne's.  At least Elinor's way was far more respectable.  Bleh, what happened to my strength and endurance?

Title Rebellion

I went home from work sick tonight.  All day I've had this headache that varies in the degree of pain.  While I was at work, it was a lot worse and compounded by this overall feeling of lethargy and nausea.  I kept feeling really warm and then cool too.  Luckily I don't have a fever and I'm hoping to be able to make it in tomorrow.  Not that I'm ever in the mood to be sick but I just found my general feelings of being unwell tonight irritating.  It still is.  I want to be active and fulfill my responsibilities and I was just bummed that I had to use some of my precious time off tonight for this.  I wish I could say now that I'm feeling better but in all honesty I'm not.  My headache still lingers and despite more than enough sleep I'm tired.

There are times in my life when I just want to do things.  I want to go places, complete a project, throw myself into something that interests me and my mind is currently in one of those modes.  My body on the other hand seems to be undermining it.  Sometimes I wonder if I only get inspired to do stuff when I know I am incapable to act.  When I was working in Wal-Mart I always wanted to write instead of mindlessly ringing up people's groceries.  I'd get home and have the time but the desire would be gone.  It seems like my mind and my body can't get in sync.  There are so many things I want to take care of at the moment that I'm also getting overwhelmed by them and at the same time excited.  Can one be overwhelmed with excitement?  Okay, that's enough.  I'm not feeling so hot again.  Time to go back and lie down.

This could be a good future post...

Naps are the best things.  Last night I got all of an hour and a half of sleep.  I went to sleep fine but was awake at 3:30 in the morning and just couldn't get back to sleep.   It wasn't as terrible as it sounds as it wasn't like I laid there staring at the clock; I think I did drift in and out of sleep between 3:30 and 6:30 but it wasn't a sound sleep at all.  Work went fine despite the lack of sleep and afterward Dave and I drove to Malden to take a look at a tiny plot of land with the tiniest house that was on sale for $109,000 before I crashed and took a very pleasant nap.  Though neither of us were actually intending on purchasing it; we couldn't resist taking the drive over.  Did the little place have a ton of potential? Yes, it most definitely did!  Do either of us have any experience or even minor skills related to construction or fixing up a home?  Absolutely not!  Sure it's only $109,000 but we're pretty sure the house is condemned and making the land livable would probably cost three or four times the amount that it initially costs.  For first time buyers who have really no inclination or need to buy a home yet, it's not worth the effort or the investment.

On our little excursion, we found this little urban pond and we spent some time walking around it.  I thoroughly enjoy urban centers and I love urban parks.  There are many people who would disagree with me saying that cities and their surrounding urban areas are crowded, dirty, and lacking all things to do with nature.   I see their point and city living is definitely not for everyone.  Like everything there are certain advantages and disadvantages.  There are many benefits to living in a more rural or suburban area and you can do things like have your own gardens and backyards to do with what you please.  However, I'm really optimistic about the urban green movement where cities are working to become more environmentally conscious.  Many times this includes meeting LEED requirements, making cities easily navigated by walking or public transit, and even includes things like buildings producing their own fruits and vegetables using top floor greenhouses.  It's a novel idea and one that I vastly support.  Boston isn't anywhere near there but there are signs that we are beginning to think about it. Sure, this is a super tiny step as it will actually only assist fifty to seventy people (hardly worth noting in some opinions) but for me it provides that glimmer of hope.  Perhaps we are heading in the right direction.

Short night, short post

It's on days like these that writing seems like a cumbersome task.  After working until 11 tonight, I need to be back at work for 7 am tomorrow morning and writing is the last thing I really want to do right now.  I just want to mindless search and play on the interwebs and zone out in front of the television before going to bed.  Trying to come up with something interesting to talk about right now just isn't a high priority for me right now.  Stupid blinking cursor; stop reminding me that I have nothing to say. You know I understand writer's block when you are trying to write something creative but when I'm just trying to write anything that comes to mind, what's up with my brain not thinking.

It was also one of those days that my heart goes out to other people too.  On Facebook, I saw that one of my close friends was going through a tough time.  I didn't get a chance to talk with her so I don't know if she was just having a bad day or if it was something more.  Deep down, I know that she is going to be fine but I still feel concerned.  Also, while I was working I was talking to one of my coworkers and she was having a rough night too.  We did get the chance to talk and I just feel for her.  She is such a good person and I can't stand that she is feeling such pain.  I think I'm just being super sensitive right now because I'm not usually so affected by what others are going through particularly when, in both cases, it could be completely fine tomorrow morning.  So yeah, hopefully in both cases everything ends up being fine and I'm just making something out of nothing.

Writing things to say I've written

Ah Friday, the day of the week almost everyone looks forward to and by the time 5 o'clock rolls most grumble about their sitting in traffic as they await to begin their couple of days off.  On the radio, you hear things like "it may be rainy and gross but at least it's 5pm on a Friday.  What was I doing at 5pm this Friday?  Sitting in the same traffic as everyone else only I was going to work and beginning my five day workweek.  It was quite a sobering experience.  But now Friday night is over and I'm one more day closer to Tuesday.

Speaking of, despite my initial "I need to get going on the wedding" inclination of earlier this week, I've made very few gains as far as productivity goes.  Instead, I chose to spend the past two nights just hanging out with Dave minus my anxiety.  It's strange, when we first moved into this apartment Dave and I used to sit on our little couch and watch movies and tv all the time.  Last night was the first time we've really done that since I had my nervous breakdown.  I think it made me a bit anxious going to bed last night because I had a hard time falling asleep.  How sad that we kind of lost that habit in my crazy.   Anyway, I need to redouble my efforts and really finalize some of my plans.  And actually make some plans that need to be made too.  So tonight is a short post while I now move on toward those kinds of thoughts.

Time... how many times to I use that word in this post.

As I write this post I am sitting next to Dave watching a Discovery Science show on the concept of time.  We've spent the last two hours watching episodes on blackholes and whether the universe is infinite or finite.  I absolutely adore these shows on scientific theory or philosophy.  For me these questions excite and fascinate me.   There is a part of me that loves not having all the answers.   Of course, I cannot actually watch this show and write at the same time.  I keep having to stop and I write during the commercial breaks that Dave tries fast forward since we prerecorded it with our DVR.  This show on time is what got me interested in having a Science show night.  I love contemplating the idea of time.  Is time an illusion that humans construct to make sense of this world?  Or is time real? It's something that Dave and I have spent hours contemplating and debated.

Are the past, present, and future all occurring once?  Is time really just snapshots of moments that exist in static motion and it's our brains that are translating it into motion?  It's cool that there are equations of physics that appear to debate both points.  Of course, then there is the whole question: Why is there time?   Really, watching these shows give us more questions than answers but that's never been something I minded.  I like contemplating the unknown.  I'm a thinker that way.  It's part of the reason I have such anxiety.  There was a quote from the show that we are watching that states,  "Sometimes when you say 'what ifs' you realize that making that hypothetical leap really helps us with all these problems we are having.  Others times it just gets you in a mess."  I couldn't agree more.   I honestly don't know if I've made any sense because there are so many theories jumping around and I'm trying to write about them at the same time I process them.   But yeah, that's my post for tonight.

It's always in the most unassuming posts...

I so forgot to write again and I'm super tired tonight.  Dave sent me an article about sleep and it actually didn't make me feel guilty.  So many articles I've read recently were telling me that sleeping more than 8 hours is unhealthy but this one really stressed that the amount of sleep you need is completely dependent on a variety of factors such as physical exertion, mental exertion, and diet.  Yes, I sort of already knew this but it mentioned that is can vary daily.  One day you might need 6 hours and another 10 dependent on a combination of the above factors.  It also stressed that mental exertion is just as powerful as physical exertion.  One doesn't have to do manual labor or exercise for hours and hours a day to feel tired; if one has a mentally stressful job or is suffering from anxiety or depression or some other affliction of the mind they too may need more than the usual 7-8 recommended hours.

It's strange.  In this society I feel guilty if I get eight hours of sleep.  If I get any more than that, well I'm just a lazy sack of crap.  I didn't always sleep this much.  God knows I considered five hours of sleep a "full night's rest" back when I was in college when I average 3-4 hours a night (no, that's not an exaggeration despite my usual propensity to do so).  Perhaps this is just what's necessary for me right now.  Sure I may not be having multiple panic attacks on a daily basis like I used to but I'm still struggling with both my anxiety, depression, anger, etc.  I mean really, have you read this recently?  My mind, though with the help of medication, has slowed to a rate I can tolerate, it's still constantly racing.  I'm not physically stressed out like I was in college or trying to cope with a difficult job.  This is an emotional stress though completely different from stressing over having to write a fifteen page paper in five hours but it can still be felt physically.  I remember after I wrote one of those papers or finished a big project for teaching, the tension in my shoulders was painful.  That was stress.  Today, that tension is almost a constant.  That's also stress; just of a different sort.

Everyday I'm learning to deal with my feelings.  I know that eventually I may find a better equilibrium with managing my emotional distress.  Anxiety and Depression aren't "curable" but rather managed.  Post Traumatic Stress can be treated and processed to a healthier mental place as opposed to be completely suppress or symptomatic but at the end of the day the trauma still happened.  It doesn't go away ever but it is integrated in a way that it doesn't continue to plague you.  Wow, the fact that I've written that sentence and actually trust it shows me just how much progress I've already made.  When I went into therapy I wanted to learn how to block it out, I wasn't naive enough to think that I could forget it entirely but I wanted it compartmentalized in my brain so I could close that drawer never to look upon it again.   Sure enough, when I got there that was exactly what I had been doing since it all happened.   Now the drawer had burst open and the memories were being thrown all over the room and I was racing to put them all back but couldn't.

Yes, that is a really strange metaphor but I think that is what I'm known for and it works.  When I went into therapy, the memories and feelings and physical responses were completely out of control and bouncing around the room that was my head.  Someone unknowing opened that toxic drawer that was already full to the brim begging to be noticed and there was no way I was going to get any of them back inside.  Therapy has helped me control the chaos.  Really, some of these memories and feeling just needed to be acknowledged.  Now that I have they settled down and no longer disturb me.  They are hidden anymore but rather have fallen asleep.  Every once in a while, one wakes up and pokes at me but I've learned how to handle it now. Of course, there are still quite a few bouncing around my room that I can seem to catch and deal with yet but I'm getting there.  I need to be kinder to myself.  It takes only seconds to destroy something that took years to build and may take years to rebuild.

Rambling Rambles

I'm going to write this now before I forget and then get all bummed out later.  I must admit that I'm really proud of myself for not losing my shit tonight while at work.  Really I was ready to punch a few people in the face tonight but I impressed my coworkers with my patience.  We can always tell when one of us is on one of "those" calls.   Honestly they wouldn't be so bad if they just were willing to listen.  At a certain point I literally said to him, "I've explained your options and I want to assist you but I don't know what you want me to do.  What would you like me to do?"  I felt like I was talking to a brick wall.  Finally, after a half hour he decided to allow me to help him and what do you know, I resolved his problem!  On the more positive end, I do think he ended up being super embarrassed after all was said and done.   I would probably just look at it as annoying but I'm sure this is will be the one call that I will be "coached" on and really I just don't want to deal with it.  It's bad enough having to do it once, but to listen to the whole thing all over again and be told "you should've done this and this" by someone who's never answered a single one of our phone calls is just really frustrating.  Ah well, it's over and I made me some money and that's what matters.

I was going to write more but I got caught up watching Amish teenagers experience a week with a modern British family on the National Geographic Channel.  It's actually very interesting to listen to their opinions regarding music and clothing.  There's something about the whole show that makes me feel good about people with completely opposing belief systems coexisting.  The overwhelming sharing without trying to convince that one side is right.  There have been times when I would see Amish people at amusement parks and wonder at it.  I was always fascinated by them and wanted to talk to them but didn't really know what to say.  I like listen to their accents for one and honestly, I don't disagree with everything they believe.  Personally, I do think that those who don't have "earthly attachments" as they call them are happier.  I think that so many of us including myself, especially myself depend on external factors to fulfill.  Also, I really love that they cook what they grow and build their own homes.  Sure, I couldn't actually live that way but I can definitely appreciate it.

Now, I'm just rambling... sorry guys.

Feeling rejuvenated!

This post will be another short one primarily because I've started reading Sense and Sensibility and I had already settled into bed with it when Dave asked if I had written today.  Unfortunately, my desire to continue my reading outweighs my desire to write tonight so I will not spend great lengths constructing sentences.  Anyway, today I once again slept too late but I woke up not caring.  I felt refreshed and energized.  Despite not particularly wanting to go to work, I wasn't all mopey during the hours prior like I can be when I've overslept.  In fact, not long before it was time to get ready I had already bored myself with fruitless internet searches.

At work, I found myself strangely motivated.  Even as I took call after call with hardly a few moments in between I didn't feel exasperated as I usually do.  Normally, if the calls are busier than normal, my Falcon work suffers.  Falcon is what our fraud monitoring program is called and though I don't like much about my job, I always prefer Falcon to taking calls or answering e-mail inquiries.  Others at my workplace would wholeheartedly disagree but I like it.  Like I said, if I do end up taking non-stop calls I normally get discouraged and lose motivation for working Falcon but not today.  I was on a roll and was a very large part of lowering our never-ending totals.  Sure, it's not the most interesting thing in the world but I still feel like I accomplished something, nonetheless.  Of course, having such a productive day leaves me worrying about just how disinterested I'll be tomorrow.

Due to my getting up so late and working, I didn't do the things necessary for the wedding that I intended on doing.  In fact, during the hours before work I spent my time discussing with Dave just how badly a vacation was needed for both of us (especially him).  This, of course, led us to a brief mention of our honeymoon.  We only mention it briefly and neither of us have really allowed ourselves to get excited because then we'd really begin to look forward to it.  Unlike planning most vacations, this one comes after a giant project.  When I think about counting down the days until Hawaii, I am in effect counting down the days until my wedding which is almost immediately followed by, "Oh my gosh!  We have so much to do in so little time!" It's kind of funny when you think about it.  Since coming home from work, I've decided that the best way for me to enjoy the honeymoon countdown is to totally get on top of what's still needed for the wedding.

Therefore, for tomorrow, I've made a mental "to do" list.  There is a part of me that should put it down on paper but honestly, I've already left my book waiting much longer than I wanted and feel desperate to return to it.  Good night everyone!  Or should I say, "good day" as very few of you actually read this or are awake just after I've posted.

Home and Family

Happy Father's Day!  Today I spent a good portion of the day with my wonderful dad.  There something really special about going home and being with my parents and my sister.  It's odd because technically, it's hard to call it "home" because I no longer live there.  Of course, to me and I'm sure to my parents, it will always be my home.  I know that if anything were to happen between Dave and me where we would need to take some time apart I would be welcomed back with open arms.  It's just strange.  I've been in this apartment for two years now and this year I was officially added to the lease so the house I grew up in isn't technically where I would now call home but it still feels that way.

I wonder if my father ever really got over it.  His mother, my Nana, still lives in the same house he grew up in.  He lived in that house his entire life and as kids we used to visit. He would tell us which room was his and try to convey probably what I'm feeling now but as a small child I just didn't get it.  In my mind, my father's home was my home not my Nana's.  My childish brain couldn't quite comprehend that he had any other home than the one that he lived in with us.  Like my dad, we never moved from the house I was brought home to a couple of days after I was born so I think that doesn't help with that weird feeling.

Regardless, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the whole concept of "home."  There are times that I think about Scarlett O'Hara in Gone with the Wind and how badly she fought for her home in Tara.  In the novel, Scarlett's father tells her, "Land is the only thing in the world that amounts to anything...for 'tis the only thing worth working for, worth fighting for--worth dying for." This same sentiment is repeated throughout the story but I really couldn't disagree more.  "Home" has absolutely nothing to do with the land and everything to do with the heart.  My home is wherever Dave or my parents are.  I will forever have two homes.  Mine own with my future husband and my childhood home and neither have anything to do with living location.  If my parents were to move to California, I'd still say I was going "home" when going to visit them despite having never been there for a  second.  My parents are not only my family but my home.  Without my parents, the house I grew up in would be just that.  A house.  As soon as my parents leave and some stranger owns it, it will no longer be "mine" in any sense.  It will be where I grew up but nothing more.

Of course, Gone with the Wind is all about the dismantling of plantations like Scarlett's Tara.  If some stranger tried to steal my house just because they are currently winning the war, I very well may fight for it with my life.  However, that's a different thing entirely.  For me, I think the most important part of my life is my family.  I've been extremely lucky to be blessed with two amazing parents, a wonderful sister, and the most amazing fiance.  My sister's boyfriend who I'm almost certain will soon be her fiance is part of my family now as well.  Dave's mother, his brother, and his brother's wife are my future in-laws and therefore new members of my family.  Of course, if I were to be entirely honest... there are a couple of friends who I would also consider to be "family" for something like family isn't bound only with blood or marriage.  The close friends of mine and Dave's (they know who they are) would also be in that category.  They mean the world to me and they are my everything.  I know that not everyone is as lucky as I am and I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am for it.

Not too much tonight

Today was a good day because I got to see both Katie and Alli!  I know I've said this before but I really regret not seeing them as often as I would like.  Though one could argue that it does make those rare times that we do meet more special when they happen.  Still, that's not a strong enough argument for me.  I'd rather see them more frequently like we did back in college.  Anyway, we had a good time.  We went out to dinner and played Settlers of Catan.  It's this super awesome strategic game along with a little bit of luck that I'm pretty terrible at.  Normally, you need a minimum of three people to play but Katie and Jared figured out a cool way to play with just two so I'm hoping to get some practice by challenging Dave to a game more regularly.  More than anything, I just love the simple conversations that we tend to have when we get together.  Really, I don't need dinner or even games.  I just like the conversation.

Sigh, I'm super tired tonight and I'm not sure why as I didn't sleep that late.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm just not in the mood to write tonight.  Honestly though, these past couple of days I've written an awful lot and dug into some very deep and heavy emotions.  I deserve a bit of a break, right.  My therapist would tell me that it's good that I don't have a ton to say at this exact moment because it's not good to be so full of such continuous emotion.  Okay, she might not say that but again, I don't care.  I'm just writing to fill space at this point.  So yeah, I think that's enough for today.  It's not much but it's something.

Gratitude

It's days like this when I am so thankful for this blog.  Really.  Without this blog, I don't think I would have ever expressed my fears and doubts about getting married.  It's something that is impossible to talk about to people but not so difficult to write, for me anyway.  Had I not expressed my concerns last night, I would never have receive the two amazing e-mails from Katie and my mother today.   Though I've read them both now, I still can't put words to just how encouraging and moving what they said to me.   Their heartfelt words of wisdom brought tears to my eyes and the only way I can think of responding is by discussing some of what they said.

For those of you who don't remember, Katie is one of my bridesmaids.  The only one who has already gone through the getting married process.  My mother and my father have been married for over thirty years and have been together as a couple for almost forty.  In both of their e-mails, they mentioned that there were doubts but no regrets.  Sure I heard that having cold feet is completely normal, but it's different when you actually hear that two people who have relationships you admire also doubted theirs at times. My mother even  said the nightmares are normal, "I just want you to know that I think everyone asks similar questions, especially as a wedding gets closer, they just often don't admit them. Nightmares are common too (maybe not as vivid as yours - LOL!).  It often happens when you are pregnant too." Thinking about it objectively, it totally makes sense but last night I couldn't see it objectively.  All I saw was my panic.  Katie brought to my attention that the majority of my worries are based in "What if" thinking.  I'm notorious for "what if" thinking.  My therapist calls it "catastrophizing."

Katie, also reminded me the exact way to combat it.  I need to live in the moment.  She wrote, "Who says that making a choice everyday to be with someone and soul mates are mutually exclusive? I make a choice everyday to be with my soul mate. I make a choice to live this moment. I make a choice to refuse to let the "what-ifs?" take it away from me."  Honestly, I couldn't agree with her more.  At some point yesterday I had made this distinction between choice and soul mate.  In my mind, you couldn't choose to be with your soul mate everyday. If that person was your soul mate, I thought that a choice wasn't necessary.  However, Katie reminded me that it doesn't have to be one or the another.  I can be both.  More importantly though, she emphasized how important it is for me to evaluate and make my decision based on how I feel now.  So much of my anxiety recently is a result of dwelling in the past or panicking about the future.  Doing this, I haven't really given myself anytime to just enjoy this process. 


Katie also addressed my fears regarding divorce making sure to remind me that if it does end up happening, it's nothing to be ashamed about.  It's true.  I don't feel like anyone should be feel ashamed that they went through a divorce and I would contest anyone who said that they "failed" at marriage.  Still, last night I was terrified that Dave and I would "fail" at marriage and there could be nothing more shameful.  I want to copy and paste her whole paragraph because it was so insightful.  She was totally right when she mentioned that "Statistics and reports love to scare us with the high divorce rate, but the fact of the matter is times of changed." It something you hear constantly when you are planning a wedding almost like there are people who are trying to dissuade you from making that kind of commitment.  Katie also said that there are many reasons that people divorce but that it's about choices.  How one handles a divorce is a choice too, "How to handle a divorce is also a choice. Honestly, its not the fact that its a legally binding relationship that makes divorce so awful, its the fact that this is someone you have most likely had in your life for years, possibly decades. If you and Dave break up in ten years its not going to be any less difficult if you're not married."  Just because Dave and I might choose to go our separate ways doesn't necessary mean that we become horrific people in the process.  


Finally, both Katie and my mom also emphasized the foundation that Dave and I have already established.  My other was quick to remind me, "Dave loves you very much and you love him. You are both honest, trustworthy, and respect each other. You have an ability to communicate that I wish I had when I was younger. Dave is supportive of your growth as a person, as you are for him.And you enjoy each other's company and have fun!"  Katie wrote, "finding someone who can handle your personal brand of crazy (and we all have it), who makes you feel content, who wants the same things as you is a beautiful thing. From the way you talk about Dave and the way I see you together I think you meet this criteria for each other." I love that one of her requirements is finding someone who can handle your own personal brand of crazy; it's so incredibly appropriate.  


Honestly, I feel like the only way to end this post is with Katie and my mother's words.  My mother ended her e-mail with, "There are no guarantees in life - that's what makes it such an adventure - good and bad."  Katie ended hers with, "You believe in marriage. You have wonderful role models. You're self-aware. You're a fighter. Don't let all the "what-ifs?" get in the way of the miraculous journey you're about to embark on. It really is an adventure worth taking."  Having a good nights sleep, reading both of these e-mails, and having a wonderful conversation helped me more than I can even begin to say.  I can safely say that my feelings toward marrying Dave have been reaffirmed.  I do want that adventure!

I've got some serious commitment issues

I failed at the whole waking up at 9am this morning.  Although I didn't have the Greg coming to the party nightmare again, my dreams were full of displeasure.  I had two back to back nightmares.    One was one of those typical nightmares where it was all about being possess by demons and was completely supernatural.  Think the dark side of Ghost Whisperer... I think that was actually how the dream started.   That one was disturbing because a lot of yellow eyes and evil was involved.  The other, had to do with teaching.  I have a lot of nightmares relating to teaching too.  This one consisted of me being forced to substitute and not seeing the teacher's lessons plans.  I end up doing a whole bunch of things completely unrelated and don't see the lesson plans until long after the day is over.   The teacher comes back and is super angry with me but despite this still wants me to teach the next day.  The next day I come in and I'm being watched and none of the kids will listen to me and I have absolutely no classroom management.

Gah, it was just frustrating and depressing.  I woke up super of late and end up being depressed.  However, then I ended up reading a practical wedding article entitled, The Wedding I Should of Called Off, and immediately proceeded to get anxious.  I think it was this quote more than anything that got me, "What is marriage after all, if not a day-to-day negotiation with someone who you decide to make a life with?...Marriage is a decision every day, every minute. Love is work, everybody knows that. Fairy tale soul mates are just that—fairy tales. Real love is deciding to be together over and over, even when it is hard, and we do love each other."  Honestly, that's exactly what I believe but this is how she convinced herself to marry a man she thought wasn't the best fit for her.  Later on she states, "My fiancé is my soul mate. Fairy tales do exist" as she refers to her new fiance.   So yeah, this article got me anxious about my relationship with Dave.  Does the fact that I don't believe in fairy tale relationships or think that real love is "deciding to be together over and over" mean that I just haven't met the right guy?  


I'm also reading this other book called, The Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss.  In her book she discusses that most people refuse to listen to their "Divine Guidance" or "gut feeling" because it's not convenient or too difficult.  Most of her examples consist of married couples who deny their deep feelings and only "listen" when they go through the hell that is ending their relationships.  Many of them say that, "it was hard but I'm so glad I did because I know that's what I was meant to do."  I had to listen to God and leave my husband.  Why?  I guess, this leaves me with two worries... one, why do so many people choose to marry if deep down they know the person isn't the right fit?  and two, "if they did love the person they married, why would God suddenly speak to them to leave it?"  I know that I'm probably reading it with my own biases but honestly, I can't help but get anxious with these kinds of discussions.  


As I was describing it to Dave.  Calling off the wedding doesn't scare me because I would still want to be with him.  It's the actual act of marriage.  When I initially met Dave, my thoughts were "He's definitely not Not the One. He could be the person I will marry one day."  Unlike Greg where is was "NO!" from the first date or Brian who was like, "He's what I need right now, but probably not forever."  At some point in my relationship with Brian, I realized that he indeed wasn't the right person for me (I quite literally remember that exact moment) but still stayed in the relationship. This hasn't happened with Dave but what if one day it does.  What if we get into an argument and I feel, "God, this isn't what I want anymore..."  What if he feels that way?  Then we are married and the only way out is a divorce; something so much more devastating than a traditional breakup.  Marriage is a lifelong commitment.  How does one know that the person they are marry is the right one and will continue to be the right one forever.  I've always heard the saying, "You just know."  But I don't "just know."  It feels right at this moment in time and I'm confident that Dave and I can last but I'm not 100% certain of it.  Should I be?  Is anyone?  Would it be better to call of the wedding as a whole and just stay together until one of us feels differently (if that happens)  just in case?  


These are the thoughts that worry me.  I can't control the future and I honestly don't know which direction we are each going to grow in the future.  What if we grow apart?  What will happen then?  I don't want to be one of those couples who get divorced.  It terrifies me.   More than anything, I don't want us to grow to hate and resent each other.  I love him more than I've ever loved any other man but I'm scared of that changing...

One step forward....

Okay I've got 15 minutes until my midnight deadline.  Let's write this!  First of all, I need to remark on the incredible Bruins Stanley Cup win tonight!  What a great game to watch!  Let me just say that I'm not the biggest Bruins fan.  I've always wanted to get into hockey but just never did.  Unlike baseball, it wasn't on every single day during the summer while I was growing up so I never got the chance to learn and love the game the same way.  My sister and her boyfriend are huge fans though.  It took a while to convert my sister; for years while she resented the game due to it being the reason for many missed date nights.  However, as the whole saying goes, "if you can't beat 'em, join em."   A couple of years ago she too fell in love with the game as well and they have religiously followed each game of the season even going to a couple of the playoff games.   As the Bruins scored each of their four goals, I cheered but more for my sister and Ben than the actual Bruins.  Who knows, maybe even  I'll become a "bandwagon fan"  in the next coming years!

In totally unrelated news.... after the thoroughly depressing post of last night, I actually take a step forward earlier this morning.  For the past couple of weeks, I've been having this recurring nightmare.  The dream begins while I'm at some random party where I know very few people.  At a certain point, everyone turns to greet someone and it's my long time friend Darcy.  Upon first seeing her, I'm really happy because it's been so long but then I realize that she brought him.  Immediately I freeze and try to find a way out before he notices me.  Of course, that is impossible and he ushers over to me, gets on his knees in front of everyone and begins sobbing telling me how sorry he is, what a monster he was and begging me to forgive him.  For those who never met him or didn't know me while I was in that relationship, that isn't a real apology not matter how sincere it looks.  I know that this is a show for everyone at the party.  It's his way of manipulating me; he's hoping that I'll flip out of him and seem like some crazy bitch so that he can then play the victim in front of everyone.

Knowing this, all I can do at first is stare at him like a frozen statue half furious that he do this again and half marveling at just how convincing he appears.  I feel every single one of my former defenses come back up and I feel that oh so familiar former feeling of detachment once again.  Like always, all I can think about is everyone around me.  Embarrassed, fearful, angry all I am able to utter is, "it's okay" before turning and racing for the door.  He tries to grab for my hand but I'm able to swing it away from his grasp and as run through the door I hear him sobbing something like, "Why won't she forgive me?"      Oddly enough, the first thing that comes to my head is that I will never be able to look at anyone who was in that room ever again because by the time they see me again, he will have convinced them what a terrible person I am.  For whatever reason, Dave isn't with me in this dream and I'm in the middle of Davis Square without a car.  Nervous that he may try and follow me, I determine that the safest place would be the police station so I set out in search of it.  As I open the doors to the station, I suddenly find myself back at the party.  The dream has lapped itself.  Within a few moments, he walks in and the whole dream repeats itself.

I can't even begin to tell you how many times this same scene replayed over and over again in my recent dreams.   When I told my therapist about it, she asked me why I thought I kept returning back to that scene; what am I not resolving.  I didn't have an answer at all so I just briefly recapped it again.  The second time she jumped on it saying, "but it's not okay.  What he did to you wasn't okay and your saying it is and walking out is keeping you the victim.  Why do you have to leave the party?"  I explain that it's because I don't want to cause a scene.  I know that if I say anything aside from it's okay and leave, he will contort it to make it seem like he was the victim.  He was the master of turning the tables on me.   I tell her that it's too scary to go through all that again. It's just easier to walk away.  Her and I discuss some of the underlying feelings around this imagery and that she reminded me that this why my dream.

My dream.  Why should I be victimized in my own dream?  Clearly my subconscious is trying to get me to face something.  Deep down, I'm begging myself to stand up to him and say what I really feel.  My therapist suggested that before going to sleep at night, I think about some of the things I would say the next time the dream occurred.  For the past couple of days, the things I came up with I also was able to counter with what I figured would be his responses and I just couldn't get past it.  However, this morning, while I was still groggy I thought about the dream again and this time I finally did it.  I finally thought the thoughts that I hope have moved me past this ridiculous dream.  This morning was different since it was the first time I've thought about it and haven't felt miserable.  I felt stronger.  I continued to replay it again, changing some of the wording when I was more awake and I felt even better.  By the time Dave left for work, all I could think about was that I needed a shower and after my shower I felt like a semi new person.

Of course, I'm still just hoping that this means my subconscious won't continue to put me through that dream.  I'm hoping that it was enough but if not, it will be another thing I can discuss with my therapist.   Ah well, even if I do have the dream again it still felt nice so feel so empowered this morning.  That's got to be worth something, right?

Frustration...

Another night where I am just going to write.  I had another therapy appointment.  Like every other appointment, I looked forward to my session for most of the week especially since I had a tougher couple of weeks but when I got into her office I felt all of my defenses go up.  Suddenly I was like, "I don't want to be here.  I want to go home."  Of course, I didn't go home.  I just started talking, in much the same way that I'm writing right now.   We discussed my new fears of looking at my personality traits inherent in me that had nothing to do with my abuse: like the fact that every time I'm anxious, I react with anger first.  It's something I've been doing for a super long time.  I'm sure even my parents remember me doing that when I was child but this isn't a quality that I'm proud to have.   Reacting initially with anger instead of the anxiety always gets a far more negative response from those around me.  In many ways, the topic becomes combative and things escalate to a full blown fight.   It's sort of horrible.

There's also that whole competitive thing that I have about me.  Although, it's gotten so much better in the past couple of years and I've made enormous strides there without even trying it's still a flaw of my personality.  Seriously, I've been competitive with super close friends.  It was a main reason my sister and I didn't get along for so many years.  I spent a good portion of my life feeling jealous and bitter toward her.  I've done it Jamie and Katie as well.  I'm not proud of it and I don't know why I do it but it's something I've done for as long as I can remember.   I get that it could be that I see what is amazing and talented and gorgeous about the girls around me and I get super envious because I can't see my own.  Still, that's no excuse for the way I've treated each of them in past years.  I'm surprised any of them, my sister included, still want anything to do with me quite honestly.  It's a horrible flaw and I hate it.  I don't know where it comes from.

The wise woman and I spent a good amount of time addressing the basic fear that I'm reluctant to look at these types of negative personality traits in myself because I'm afraid it's going to negate the abuse that I went through.  That it was those flaws, these absurd and awful characteristics within me that caused me to abused.  If I wasn't so a, b, or c then maybe he wouldn't have done this or that.  If I wasn't so strong-willed and caustic at times maybe he wouldn't have had the desire to manipulate and overpower me.   Maybe if I hadn't dressed like that or made that statement, he wouldn't have thought I "wanted it."  Ever the wise one, my therapist wanted to know what I felt so compelled to blame myself for his actions.   We discussed how a lot of the hope that I could go back and change things was my way of maintaining some semblance of control over a situation where I actually had very little control.  I can't accept the fact that there was nothing I could do at least not emotionally anyway.  And clearly, I can't let it go and just admit that I was victimized.

So I don't know... it left me with a whole lot to think about.  I think I need to let it settle further before any of it makes sense.   The whole thing is so frustrating.  I don't want to think about this anymore.  I don't want to be all bent out of shape all the time.  I don't want him to control me in this way anymore but I know that the only way it will go away is for me to accept what happened.  I can't accept and I won't accept it.  I won't accept that I was powerless.  Admitting that, fully accepting that means that it could happen again and I won't ever let it happen again.  It can't. I can't do it again...

Keeping schedule

Sometime I just need to write even when I don't have anything to say.  Honestly, I don't want to spend anymore precious time staring at this screen trying to think of something to try and write a couple of paragraphs on.  Despite having slept much too long again today, one of my goals is to try and go to bed by 1am even on the nights that I'm working until 11.   I don't necessarily have to fall asleep but I have to "rest" and let my body know that by this time every night, it was be bedtime.  

 In addition, I want to stay in bed until 9-10am.   If I wake up earlier, again I will stay in bed to let my body know that a 9am it's time to wake up. I have this tendency to wake up super early at like 7am after only a couple of hours of sleep if I've overslept the previous day.   What normally happens is that I stay awake until about noon or even 1pm and then am desperate to fall asleep again.  If it's a work night, I almost definitely bring myself back to bed and sleep until I have to go to work.  This only screws up my sleep schedule even more.  I'm well rested for work but I then find it difficult to go back to sleep at night. 

Thus, my new plan of attack is to force myself to lay down from 1-9 each night.  I figure if I can get to bed every night by 1am and force myself to wake up by 9am, I can condition myself into a regular sleep schedule.  Of course, from 9am-midnight, I am not allowed to take a nap.  I need my body to learn that I'm not going to let it sleep or wake up whenever it wants me too.  You can plan life around that.  People need a schedule.  Our bodies are actually meant to adapt to the schedules that we set.  So hopefully, I can keep this up and start to make myself a normal human being again.  

See that Denise, you just started typing and now you have another post.  

Randomness

I did a lot of thinking today.  They were good thoughts; productive thoughts and I feel good about them. Earlier, I made a list with the tasks that still need to be completed for the wedding.  Was the list still relatively long?  Yes, it was.  Did it make me feel overwhelmed?  Not as much as I feared.  There is a small part of me that's looking forward to some of the pieces.  Dave and I need to officially put up our Gift Registry.  Why am I so reluctant to get let it go?  So with that being one of the things on the list I'm reluctant to do, there are many other parts that I'm kind of excited about.  I'm excited to begin researching and putting together the ceremony.

In other news, when I got home from work I actually let it be my idea to go outside and play a bit of tennis with Dave. I do realize that was more than an abrupt change of topic but roll with me.  So when I say "play tennis" I mean that we each have a racket, a couple of tennis balls, and try to maintain any type of volley. I've never played tennis really and for the past few years, Dave has been trying to get me out on the court.  Unfortunately, he doesn't have any training either and as someone who likes to perfect everything I do I found myself really resistant to playing.  I wanted to learn how to play tennis the right way and not pick up any bad habits.  Being a figure skater, it was all about technique so just to swing the racket and hit the ball without any proper instruction bugged me.  But a few days ago, it just hit me that I don't have to be an all star tennis player and it isn't necessary to spend tons of money on lessons.  All I need to do is just play and like Dave I'll slowly get better and better until I can actually play games with other people.

Hmm... with all that random nonsense, I think I'm really not feeling this writing thing.  So with that, I'll write to you all tomorrow.

Just not enough time...

Please don't mind me, I just woke up from a nap and I'm a bit groggy.  First let me, just wish Katie a very happy birthday!  Sadly, I haven't had the chance to talk with her today but we do have plans to do something next Saturday for both her and her husband's birthdays which makes me super excited.  One of the major things I miss about college is the fact that I don't get to see my friends as easily.  It doesn't help that my schedule conflicts with everyone who has a normal job.  So yeah, I'm really looking forward to seeing them again.

Speaking of seeing people we never get to see, Dave and I did get a wonderful opportunity to see my future in-laws.  Ever since Mother's Day, I feel so much more hopeful about my future family and I can't even tell you how happy that makes me.  Kevin and Amanda are spending a weekend in Newport, Rhode Island.  Although I would also love a weekend away, work makes that difficult so Dave and I picked up Dave's mom and drove down for the day.  She had never been and she really enjoyed it.  We took her to one of the biggest mansions, the Breakers and marveled at the grandiosity of it all.  Later we met up with Kevin and Amanda for lunch and a wine tasting.  We had hoped to go shopping but were thwarted by the heavy rainfall but we have another ticket for a mansion, a date with our favorite pizza place, and lots of shopping to do meaning that the three of us will definitely be back.

 As always, the general consensus was that we don't do this nearly often enough.  That seems to be the overwhelming feeling every time we get together with family and friends.  We went to dinner with Dave's friends John and Bob on Thursday and left feeling the same way.  There just don't seem to be enough days in the year.  It really makes the whole idea of living in a commune more appealing.  Okay, maybe not a commune but I wish that all of my friends had the ability to purchase those condo homes like Jamie's mom and Johnny currently live in just because then we'd be surrounded by friends and getting together would be so much easier.  Not to mention, we'd have some super killer block parties.

There's just not enough days in the week to see everyone we love on a regular basis, work, and have some personal time for each other; never mind, finding the time to work for our living.  It's not fair!  I'll just have to add that to my list to future goals to somehow balance.   It must be possible! Right?  Maybe? Please?!